Can’t say no

Day 1, Thursday

When I woke up today I didn’t know who I was and where I was. I just felt sick. Sick like I’ve never felt before. The pain didn’t come from a specific part of my body, rather from everywhere at once. My head, my arms, my legs, my stomach – everything felt like it was burning and melting at the same time. I cringed and groaned in pain for what felt like hours until I fell to sleep again and had a nightmare of flames, blood and my parents.

When I woke up the second time my mouth was dry, my face was pressed down on my pillow as if I tried to suffocate myself, my cheeks were sticky with my drool. I recapitulated on the feeling I had this night. Does it feel like this to have a blood poisoning? A dialysis? Memories came back to me and realized that I not actually ‘never felt sick like this before’. It was just another night.

I raised my head, got my sight on my alarm clock – to which I had set no alarm – and sighed. Eight a.m. meant that I wouldn’t be late to algebra lecture if I hurried. I toddled into the bathroom and washed the spit off my face, took two or three painkillers, no time for my daily staring contest with my reflection, only to comb my shining black, straight hair a bit, take on a little make-up and a lot of perfume to cover the smell of my sweat.
Then I got back into my bedroom, opened the Thursday-shelf and put on what I had there, slip, bra, socks, black leggings, white shirt, a look in the mirror told me that it was… I didn’t know, I just hurried to get a small snack, a banana, nothing more, then I put on my denim jacket and sneakers and headed outside.
The problem with being unable to say ‘no’ is that the word ‘yes’ loses all of its meaning. And as everything I say thereby is meaningless I decided to rather say nothing at all as often as possible. But there is my next problem: I can’t meet decisions either, in this case meaning that I too often trick myself into saying things that I regret immediately.

That said, I made it just in time to meet John entering lecture hall. Oh boy, if I just had come late.

“Hey Ally, you look tired today! Is everything okay?”

The only good thing about him is that he always says what he thinks, making our conversations much less embarrassing.

“Yeah, I felt a little down this morning…” I lied. I feel down all the time.

“Huh? Don’t let yourself down, Ally!” Jerkass.

I am used to ignore everyone around me but John is the one person that always has to start talking to me, and I never say ‘Go fuck yourself!’ but just let him follow me around all day or even follow him. I hate him for that.

I hate this as much as I hate his nature, always jolly, always telling everyone to be happy with themselves, and he has this arrogant attitude to himself, as if he could help everyone with that. Of all people there are the one guy I hate the most is my only ‘friend’, maybe even has a sexual interest in me or something. But the worst part in it is myself. I can’t say no. I can’t say John how much I hate him and how much I want to be alone with myself. I can’t.
John and I took place next to each other as the professor came in. What was her name again? I couldn’t concentrate more than ten minutes, John said something to me but I couldn’t understand it as well. The world shrank down to the size of my body. I was sticky by sweat and I smelled, although this couldn’t be possible by the amounts of perfume I took, so I guess the smell was just in my head. The worst part was my crotch. I am always a little wet, I just can’t help it, even in the least arousing or most painful moments, I am always like this. My slip was already drenched with the slime, my head started to ache.
When I woke up, only John sat by my side.

“Hey Ally, wake up! The lecture is over!” he grinned. I looked up into his eyes, then raised my body. John didn’t seem to notice how yucky I felt. I guess I’m better off if people don’t see me like I see myself.

“Wanna get some lunch?” he smiled.

“Uh sure,” was everything I could respond.

On our way to the cafeteria I had a hunger flash so when it came to it, I really tucked in.

“If you always sleep in the math classes, you’re never gonna pass!” John said eating.

As if I cared.

“Well, I bet YOU could make it even if you slept all the time!” I spoke with my mouth full. ‘Great Alice, now you are already feeding his ego, why don’t you just ask him to bring your relationship to the next level?’ I cursed myself.

“How do you know that I don’t sleep if you always do?” Ha-ha.

Josh came by and took place not far from us. ‘Not far from us’ as in he left enough space for two or three persons to sit between us. I liked Josh, he reminded me a little of myself. Unfortunately this included being as shy as me, which meant that we never got to talk. I casted a glance at him, he was wearing an awfully ugly brown pullover and a quite stylish cornered glasses. He was tall and slender with medium-length black hair, the absolute average nerd.

“Hey Josh!” John greeted.

“Hey Johm,” Josh responded, calling John by his silly nickname, which for some reason everyone but me kept using.

“Hey Ally,” he said in my direction.

“Hey,” I said blushing and continued to eat.

One of Josh’s greatest ‘strengths’ was that he always knew the silliest stories:

“Have you guys heard that thing that Michael pulled yesterday? He managed to convince Hannes that the exam questions are stored in the staff bathrooms and guess what Hannes did! He sneaked into the female staff bathroom to cheat and was caught by Miss Enelda!”

Miss Enelda was the professor whose name I forgot earlier, thank you, Josh.

“Looks like somebody is in trouble,” John commented, while I just devoured another sandwich.

“You say it, Johm!” Josh’s tone was a little too joyful about this in my opinion.

The two of them then had a debate about something political, about which I couldn’t care less. John talked a lot about ‘values’, whereas Josh seemed to be a fan of ‘equality’ and ‘justice’, which sounded a little smarter in my ears, but as I said, I couldn’t care less.

“I don’t get how you manage to eat as much as two bodybuilders and yet stay in shape!” John said when Josh was gone. The trick is simple: Most of the time I eat almost nothing, these hunger flashes just occur like once per week, so I go perfectly fine with it. Yet comments like these make me uncomfortable in two ways: At first, I am afraid that John could find out how sick I actually am, which wouldn’t be that bad I think, because he couldn’t irritate me more than he already did if he tried to help me… and second, much scarier, they confirm my suspicion that he likes me in a sexual way. What am I thinking? He is a man and I a pretty young woman, of course he wants to fuck me – also he always wants to spend time with me and I don’t even have the guts to say how I feel so he probably thinks I love him or something.

But now our ways split as the two of us had different subjects the rest of the day, I somehow managed to get my thoughts together and had quite the nice day. The only person requesting anything from me was Mel, who came to me when I wanted to go home, so that I would be gone when John would be finished. Mel was absolutely irresponsible and ignorant, which to led to everyone slandering behind her back that she would have ‘mistaken college for a bar’. I found this a little unfair as I thought it suggested that Mel would be some kind of slut, but although her always wearing fancy dresses – which is her good right – to me she seems to be rather chaste. That didn’t make her innocent of being a dumb bitch though, I already knew what she wanted before she asked.

“Hey Alice, could you help me out? I missed the biology lecture yesterday, that one about the viruses, and I don’t understand the notes on it. I already asked Liz, but she said it wasn’t her business…”

She was right about that, if Mel wasn’t there it was her own fault and if she didn’t get it from the notes, how was she planning to pass anyways, but of course I said,

“Well, okay, no problem!”

Since my parents’ death I have been unable to meet any form of decision, no matter if it was what to wear for a day or what to do with my life. The simply solution to the clothes-dilemma was to create a plan what I would wear every day of the week, for example Thursday, at which I always went out in denim jacket, shirt and leggings, whereas I would wear a white blouse red skirt combination every Friday and so on.

For ‘what to do with my life’ it wasn’t that simple, here I am, studying a stupid combination of subjects I am neither sure how I first came to it nor interested in the slightest bit, not expecting to actually use them but just to have somewhere I have to go, so I wouldn’t stay home all day. I am not working either and without the heritage I would pretty sure have a serious problem. But the worst thing is saying ‘no’. When I am alone, it is no problem, I practice saying it in front of the mirror hundred times a day, but if I have to say it to someone else… I’ve never done it since the day. I get talked into things every day, be it doing extra work, going to parties I talk to no one on or just being around John. My life is determined by what people suggest me to do, especially by John.

Speaking of which, after explaining everything to Mel, which took an eternity – how that dumb bitch even passed grade school is an enigma to me – John was also finished for the day and headed straight to me, looking kind of nervous.

“Hey”, I said with a fake smile, noticing that his face was really red… He wasn’t…?

“Ally, I have to tell you something…” he said with an uneasy voice.

Oh my god, this couldn’t be happening! I could imagine only two things he would say and I was pretty sure that he wouldn’t say ‘I am gay’, so I wanted to flee very badly, but of course, I couldn’t.
I was panicking, but before he could say anything else, his phone ringed and after a short call he said,

“Oh shit, I have to go! Sorry, see you tomorrow!” looking disappointed and hurried away.

I pressed my back against a wall and slid down to the ground, where I sat for about 20 minutes and thought about what just had happened. John wanted to make a step toward me and if he would try again, I surely wouldn’t have the same luck I had today and we all know how this would end. I had to prevent this! But I couldn’t think of a way to do it, not in the college floors and not on my way home. Whereas…
I could drop out of college and move, maybe live in my parents’ house… but that would be even worse, wouldn’t it? I’d rather stick with John than with the building that reminds me of my guilt every day…

When I was home, the first thing I did was to strip off all my clothes and examining my nude body in the mirror. I let my hands run down my body, from my shoulders over my C-cup breasts, along my waist and my hips, down my legs to my feet. My skin was smooth but still felt sticky, today I would sleep in the whirlpool, I decided. I picked up my slimy, soaking wet slip, sniffed on it and pressed my lips together. ‘Fucking wetness’, I thought, my hand wandering to my crotch, every other issue was wiped off my mind. I went to the bathroom, let hot water into the whirlpool, massaged my feet and legs while waiting, looking into another mirror. I got to many mirrors in here, I thought, not wanting to look into my own eyes, but bound to my reflection. The person I hate the most… I spent the whole day looking for them in my life, only to realize that she sat right here, in my bathroom, again staring into my eyes for hours. I didn’t avert my eyes when I got into the steaming water, washing the sweat off my body…

There she was, so pretty and sweet, with her innocent-looking blue eyes and the pure pale skin that now turned red from the waters heat… Another 22 years old girl that wastes the heritage of her parents because of hedonism. Her parents, who are only dead because of the same hedonism of hers… That terrible person was me. But of course I could only be this terrible person as long as I was home, outside I was determined by others… I decided to call this facet of myself – my true self – home-me.

I didn’t towel myself down when I got out, just let the water drip to the ground until I stood in a puddle, which I then dried with a towel. Nude as I was, I went to the kitchen of my apartment and kneeled down on the tiles, with my insteps on the ground, my heels touching my butt and my feet pressed down by my weight. I put my hands on my knees and closed my eyes to meditate, focus on the good things. About how other people wouldn’t even have the possibility to live in an apartment as big and luxurious as mine, about even if I wasted my life I could very well live to the ends of days by what I got. Also, I was pretty wrecked down and stuff, but at least I wasn’t drug addicted or something. Just the other thing. Thinking of it made chills go down my spine and heat build up in my belly and crotch. My casual wetness yielded real lust. I got up on my feet, went to my bathroom another time and took the required steps to make sure all my body parts were clean enough to do it.

Then I got my toy box and my laptop, kneeled down on my bed, then laid on my back legs spread and went on the net. I read some hentai, which I liked more than real porn because of my dislike to other people. First I read kinda romantic lesbian issues (although I wouldn’t actually want to do it with another girl), which consisted mostly of talking, hand and tongue action. Kissing, Pussylicking, Asslicking, I wondered how this felt in real life while playing with my left nipple. I was a virgin in the classical sense, meaning that I never had a real dick in any of my holes or even kissed another person, but over time I have grown into a disgusting pervert maniac, you know, home-me. I let my hand go down into my slimy crotch, running over my bare, flesh pink lips, as I switched to some harder material, the stuff that home-me got off to. I played with my clit jerkily while reading some gangbang issues, then some bukkake. What sick minds the authors had, I hated the dialogues in the comics and everyone but me would have been disgusted by the thought of being treated like these girls covered in sperm… The drawn body covered in cum made me wonder… I googled what men’s cum tasted like but got no real answer, there was anything from sweet to bitter or even sour… depending on diet… not even Google could meet decisions for me.

I put the laptop away and spread my legs, let my right hand’s pointer and middle finger slide deep in my cunthole until they were all slimy, bending them a bit when they were in, finger fucking myself, my left hand still switching between my nipples, I drooled on my tits and spread the sour smelling spit on them while pleasuring my pink, my ass cheeks were contracting with my finger thrusts, stronger and stronger the more the electric feeling wandered down my spine. I thought about being fucked by some random guy, nobody in specific, just anyone who would want me. I smiled and a moaning escaped my lips. I knew that everyone wanted me, my looks were the one thing about me that aren’t disgusting. I let my fingers spin inside my pussy, feeling a hot cold between my legs, wandering up from ass to pussy, I sped up my finger thrusts, imagining how it would feel to get filled up with cream, feeling the lewd boiling between my hips. I moaned and closed my legs as I felt the lust breaking out from my little volcano and the lava spreading over my thighs and sheets.

I sighed in relief as I opened my legs again and looked down on me. My girlcum was drenching my bed, running down my crotch and moistening my ass, my thighs were gooey as well. I got my hand to my face and sniffed it, then put the fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. It tasted disgusting. I loved it. My other hand now wandered down my crotch, but it didn’t stop at my just erupted cunt, it explored the flow of my juice until it span around my anus. I gently pushed two fingers in and let them circle in there, my tight hole greedily sucked them in, like my mouth sucked on the fingers I had in it as well. I closed my eyes and thought of tongues or dicks in my holes. I established a steady rhythm fingering my asshole, of course, this wouldn’t make me cum but keep me in a constant aura of lust. I turned around, kneeling in doggy position, spreading my fingers against the walls, pushing a third one in my after and a whole hand in my mouth. I moaned, not because I had to, just because I wanted. The moments I love myself are the only ones I do not hate me.

After a good manual spreading I thought I was ready for the next stage. I pulled my hands out my mouth and ass, again smelling them. The one from my mouth smelled sour, the one from my ass like nothing but the pussy juices, I had done a good job cleaning. I opened my toy box and got my hands on two items, the anal beads and the throat dildo were what I felt like today. I felt my mouth watering as I lubed the beads slowly, generous and careful. I let my ass hang down from the edge of the bed, legs wide spread and inserted the beads one by one. It is said that they have their greatest effect when pulled out – what is true – but I already love the stuffing, the feeling of my asshole stretched against its nature, the little pain that comes with it. I couldn’t wait to pull them out, I just sat on the ground doggy style, got my fingers into the handle and… Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. I started breathing fast and flat about the unexpected intensity of the feeling that came with the wet clicking. My asshole felt like it was melting and vibrating at the same time, the cum already hang down from my cunt and I pressed my face to the ground, my cheeks were burning, even the heated floor was cooling them down, but my ass screamed for another round. I put the beads in again, a little faster this time, then resting in anticipation. This time I laid on my back as I popped them out, bead by bead, every single one of them sending a quivering down my spine. When I was done with them, I felt tired, although I hadn’t come a second time, so I just let them hang down from my hand and rested like this for a couple of minutes. Then, I put them in a third time.

I had not in mind to pull them out yet, instead I took the dildo I used exclusively for oral play and kneeled on the ground like I did to meditate earlier. I jiggled my ass cheeks a bit to feel the beads in my anus, then pinned the throat dildo on the wall in front of my face. It was black, shaped like a real cock with a length of 25 centimetres, it even had balls. I just started to lick and kiss it from all sides. I let my lips and my tongue play with it, continued to suck the balls, having just the tongue tip pleasing it and finally holding the tip between my lips. I didn’t spent much time actually sucking on it, I just pushed it straight down until it reached my throat. I gagged as it entered and my eyes welled up with tears but I pressed my head down on it until my lips touched the balls. My widened throat ached and I could barely breathe, but that was exactly what I wanted. Gagging and spitting, I placed my hand in my crotch and started pleasuring my pink, playing with my clit as the dildo stimulated my mouth. I shove some fingers in, imagined that there was an actual dick down my throat, painfully mouthfucking me. Actually this was all I wanted, I felt like a useless slut and I wanted someone treating and fucking me like one, not caring if he would hurt me. Someone that understood me and hated me as I did myself. The spit was running down my lips, dripping from my chin to the ground. Again I caught myself asking what male cum tasted like. I wanted someone to cum in my mouth so badly, to feed me with his babyware! I wanted someone to fuck me, to use me and throw me away, was it that hard?

At that moment, I felt like my whole body was connected, my watering mouth sent chills down my body to my crotch and I felt my second orgasm coming and my fuckhole already contracted, I got the fingers out of my pussy and grabbed the anal handle. Like that of a grenade, I pulled it out and let myself explode.
I cringed so hard, my ass spasmed as if it had an orgasm as well and I arched, then slumped, never letting the 25 centimetres out of my throat. I wanted to scream, but my screams were muffled by the fake dick in my mouth, I felt it raining from my crotch to the ground and on the hand I pressed on my opening. I didn’t want it to be over yet! I finally fell on my back, the dildo still pinned onto the wall, I was pleasured with myself, but I didn’t want to let go now. I had my hand at my crotch again and caressed my clit until I feel to sleep on the ground.

Day 2, Friday

When I woke up I was just a little dizzy, nothing compared to my nightmare yesterday. I sat up and looked down on my body. My upper body was full of dried spit, my crotch and thighs were gooey of cum, the beads rested between my knees, forming a crescent. Tilting my head back I saw the dildo still sticking to the wall, drips of saliva hanging down from it. The room stunk like there had been a gangbang taking part, not just a girl masturbating. At the thought I felt my pussy still being wet. ‘Nothing new’, I thought, putting two fingers in it to play just a little until they were all juicy, sucking the liquid off of them to get another taste of it. A mixture of the smell of a zoo exhibit and pure sourness, that described it well. Sighing I got up, took the beads and the dildo and went to the bathroom to clean them with boiling water. Then I was showering for half an hour, today I could get rid of all my sweat, I continued rubbing my skin until I smelled all clean. I also tried to wash the juice out of my crotch as every day, but having the water spurt between my legs excited me a bit, so I stopped trying. After towelling myself I intensively observed myself in the mirror. I turned my back to it, with the head over the shoulder and started kneading my ass. Yeah, that bitch yesterday gave herself what she deserved, that fucking slut! My hands ran down my slender legs, then up along my waist and kneaded my tits a little. After shaving and lotioning my skin and putting on make-up I headed for my bedroom which still was filled with the smell of sex. I opened all the windows, had to change all the bedclothes and then knelt on the floor, scrubbing it until my hands were sore. It was 7 a. m. so I had plenty of time left. Time for home-me to make place for casual-me.

I got hands on my ‘Friday’ clothes and let myself time with putting them on. At first, I slowly pulled the white slip up my legs, jiggling my butt to get in, then looking at me in the mirror another time. The slip was triangular and covered like the half of my butt cheeks, also it was rather tight, so it almost immediately started sticking to my wet crotch. Then I imprisoned my twins in an likewise white bra, I hated every other colour than white for underwear, and put on white socks. The fourth object was white as well, it was my blouse, that finally covered more than my private parts. It was long-sleeved and tight around my wrists, and I felt really sexy when I put on the red knee-long skirt and stuffed the blouse into the waistband. For a moment I felt like touching myself again but then I focused. I really sometimes annoy the shit out of myself, I had to wait until I came back from college to get myself some more fun.

I sat down in the kitchen and got myself a ‘real’ breakfast today, consisting of a banana, an apple and a bowl of walnuts and hazelnuts. I slowly peeled the banana, always took tiny bites and yet chewed everything good. It took me almost half an hour to finish my meal like this. In the hallway there were ten different pairs of shoes, but I just put on the sneakers everyday – I forgot the shoes when making the dressing plan and I haven’t come to overwork it since. Stepping out I smelled the fresh spring air and felt the warmth of sunray tickling my skin. I felt surprisingly good today, as I hadn’t in months.

“Hey, Ally!”

Oh my fucking god. I had totally forgotten about John and what to do about this! I panicked a little when I heard his voice as I left the subway station. It would be another five minutes until we arrived at college and I had no idea what I would do if he came up with what I thought he had in mind. But luckily, he didn’t.
“Sorry that I had to leave so suddenly yesterday, Mark had seriously messed up with our landlord. I came just in time to prevent us from getting kicked out!”
Obviously, Mark was John’s flatmate. By what John told about him he was a steady high dork who always ‘messed up’ things in a very bad way. John said that Mark also studied at the same college as we did but I never saw him around. Maybe he didn’t even exist, maybe he was a projection of John’s subconscious mind? The person calling him could as well have been the landlord, who knows?

“Well, what did he do?” I just asked, now honestly interested a bit.

“I’m telling you all in the cafeteria later, too big of a story for the ears of just one person,” he replied.

Well okay, I could wait, in fact it wasn’t that important… John and I had different lectures, so when we arrived at college we split and when I took place on my chair I was surprised to find Josh sitting down next to me afterwards. He looked really cute today, had his hair out of his face and was wearing a proper shirt, not that pullover he wore yesterday. I caught him staring at different parts of me a couple of times, but when he noticed, he quickly looked away, I was too shy to smile back or say anything and so, we didn’t change a word all lecture. Only when we got out, Josh tried to make some conversation.

“Wow, I really could’ve stood up two hours late today and it would make no difference! Did you learn anything from this shit lesson?”

Josh was more than right about it, Professor Rohlen was already somnific when he talked about subjects that could evoke something similar to interest. But that hour was a disaster, I already forgot what he had actually talked about. I could have said all these things or have said Josh that I thought him to be kind of sweet and that I would like to meet him one of the next days. But of course I didn’t say any of this, just,

“Yeah, you’re right.”

He didn’t say anything else, what meant awkward silence until I finally thought of something I could say.

“John said, Mark did something really stupid yesterday and wants to talk about it in the cafeteria, maybe you want to listen?” Wow, so smart, this would bring a lot of intimacy between the two us.

“You mean Stoner Mark, Johm’s flatmate? Have you ever seen the guy around?” Yeah, exactly that person that never has seen before.

“No, never,” I just replied, out of anything to say.

“Ally, why don’t you call him Johm like everyone else does?”, Josh asked out of nowhere.

Because I’m not as stupid as everyone else is and I don’t want to sound like a five year old and even less want to be casual towards John.

“I don’t know, I just don’t like the name.”

When we entered the cafeteria, John was already chatting with some other students. Mel approached and thanked me for helping her out yesterday and then, together with Josh and me, took place on the bench where the others sat.

“Ah, Ally, there you are!” John started. “What was it that I wanted to tell? Oh yes, Marks clash with our landlord.”

Everyone looked more or less interested, especially Josh, as silly stories were exactly his case. Mel was the only one seeming to not be listening, she just let her elbows rest on the table and scrubbed her pink finger nails together. Seeing her like this, I had to think about something I ‘read’ yesterday, where a girl… ah goddammit, I couldn’t think of these things in school, my home-me should stay home, so I just focused on what John had to say.

“For those of you who don’t know, Mark is my flatmate, he also studies here, maybe one of you has seen him around… Anyways, Mark is the definition of a pothead, I don’t even know when he is high and when he is not as he seems to always be on weed, yeah? And our landlord is a grumpy, reeaaally old man who absolutely hates stoners and he also owns this old cat that is grey and really fat, and I mean it, okay?”

I couldn’t bear to listen him, so I just went on to surveying the faces of his listeners. I didn’t know most of them but I knew that I didn’t like them. Especially this one fat guy that reminded me of landlord’s cat in John’s story, who always would laugh really stupid, although John hadn’t even made a joke. Josh and me exchanged looks but he seemed honestly interested in John’s boring story, so I decided to listen to the remaining bit of it as well.

“And when I arrived, Mark just sat there staring into the void and our landlord was already waiting for me and he was really pissed! He tried to imitate Marks reaction to him catching him, like this:”

John stood up and tried to look like an old man and raised his hand.

“He ho-old Billy up in the air at hi-is tail and said, ‘Don’t worry, Mister Garner, let me take this out for you!”

Everyone laughed, except me.

“Really don’t worry, guys, the cat is okay, but I had to convince Mister Garner that Mark was not stoned but retarded to keep him from kicking us out!”

After a while everyone stood up and left cafeteria, when Mel left, only John and I were remaining. I couldn’t look away from Mel for some reason, today she was totally fascinating me, she looked really hot, almost desirable. But then, John started talking.

“Ally, about this… thing I wanted to tell you.” Oh-oh.

“Yeah?”

“I think it would be better if I told it to you somewhere else. Maybe we meet up at my place after lecture?”

Anything but that! If we were alone, who might imagine what would happen? I had to do something.

“Uhm, okay, why not?” I said, exactly knowing WHY not.

John seemed really relieved about my answer but it felt like all the nervousness and anxiety he had before had moved over to me.

“Well, okay, see you later then!”

I spend the next four hours thinking of a way to get out of this. I couldn’t just go home before I was done for the day and John would be finished earlier than me so he could simply wait and catch me. In my break time I went to the bathroom, staring into the mirror and talking to my reflection.

“No. No. No. No.” As simple as that. “No. No. No. No.”

I repeated the word for minutes until another girl that I didn’t know came in. At the moment she entered my lips were sealed. She didn’t even notice me but I wanted to scream at her, tell her, that she looked like a slut and ask how she dared to go to college like this, although she didn’t even seem brash or something. I spent my last lecture mumbling ‘I hate you’ so nobody would hear but it didn’t help. When I left the building, John was already there.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I smiled, although I felt nothing like it.

“It might be that we meet Mark, please be kind to him if so,” John said when we got going.

“Well, depends on how he looks,” I joked although I also felt nothing like joking.

I didn’t even know where these words came from, I am not the type of person to joke around.
You might think by what I already told about myself that I am totally socially incapable, which is not the case. I hate people and forget their names, yes, also I don’t start conversations with them, but if we’re already at it, I can be quite funny, although I don’t want to be.

John looked insecure about the joke I made and just smiled, he started to tell me about his day, I hadn’t much to tell about mine, what seemed to irritate him. I already felt a little bad for him. Somehow it was my own fault that I couldn’t tell him to piss off, wasn’t it? Time seemed to get slower and slower the longer we walked, it felt like an eternity since we passed the subway station which normally would lead me home. Just as I wondered if we would ever reach John’s house, he stopped.

“There we are.” There we were.

John lived in the second floor and to my surprise, when he opened the door there actually was a young man standing in the corridor putting on his jacket. Was this Mark? I couldn’t believe it. I had imagined him like you would imagine a pothead, with tousled, dark hair, bearded, scruffy… But this man looked more like a lawyer than like a person who would mistake an angry cat for a bin bag, he seemed cold, calculating, slick.

“Hey Mark,” John said, “Where are you going?”

Mark smiled audacious and said,

“I’ll be at Julie’s place today, helping her out in the garden, if you know what I mean… Safer than doing it here and risking to trash Billy again.”

He then got to see me and slapped his hand at John’s shoulder, grinning,

“Whoa, you finally brought home a girl too, bro, I already thought that you casted an eye at ME or something!”

Although Mark implied what was the worst for me I couldn’t do else than giggle about him embarrassing John, who was obviously uncomfortable with what Mark said.

“It’s not like-” was all John could say before Mark headed down laughing, seeming to be in a real hurry.

“Was he talking about Weed or Sex?”, I grinned as I stepped in.

If I go down, I can at least do it in dignity and not with this awkward silence that ruled me all the day.

“Uhh, what?” John asked, as if he had only heard the last word.

“Mark, when he said he would go gardening, was he talking about Weed or Sex?”

“Uhm, I never know for sure myself, but considering that he mentioned Billy… most probably both!” he grinned back.

Yay, we had some real vibes ongoing. I sat down in the kitchen as John brew tea. I looked around. It was an average two-person flat, no comparison to where I lived. John didn’t even know how rich I was, nobody knew. I looked around and found it pretty cute, I caught myself imagining how it would be to be married and live together in a flat like this. Not with John! Josh maybe, I would even prefer Mel over the situation I was in! But how events kept going it looked that I pretty likely would end up with John, no matter how bad I wanted to prevent it. I felt powerless. At least I didn’t feel afraid when I felt like there was nothing I could do. John handed me over a cup of tea and started to stir his. We didn’t talk until we both had taken our first sips.

“Well, now I am interested, what is it that you have to tell me?”

John froze, then looked me in the eyes. All the vibes had gone and he became insecure again.

“I don’t know if- maybe this isn’t- we- I think, I don’t know if I can really tell you.”

I couldn’t do else than giving him a caring look, I tried to focus on my hate towards him, but the words still ran over my lips.

“I think I already know what you want to tell me.”

He swallowed.

“Yeah? What?”

“I want to hear it from you.”

He trembled in nervousness, swallowed a second time and started speaking.

“It- It’s just that… you know, although we always spend so much time in school, I barely know anything about you, heck – I don’t even know if you like me! But I know that I really like you… you know, different than other people… I don’t know, if it’s- You probably already have someone who deserves you more than I do anyway…”

I swallowed. I knew for more than a day that this moment would come and I had prepared myself for it. This was the moment. My last chance. I could prevent myself from getting into something I wouldn’t get out of easily afterwards. And, no matter how much I hated him, I also wanted John to know how it was set to hurt his feelings as little as possible. I just had to say the right words. Concentrate, think about what you practiced, Alice! I took a deep breath, opened my mouth and said:

“No.”

Did I just say ‘no’? I said no! In front of another person, the first time in years! Had I done it? Had I managed to prevent the worst?

“No John, you are wrong.”

I stared into his eyes, don’t noticing a reaction.

“What you said, about me, nothing of it is true. You might think that I am such a great person and that everyone loves me, but the truth is, I can’t even love myself.”

I don’t know where the words came from, but they sounded great. If I wanted to reject him, this way I could give myself the blame and even if I had planned to confess my love, this was a great, although a little sappy start. For a moment I didn’t know what of these two things I wanted to do.

“In fact, there is nobody who cares about me, but you. I am so lonely.”

Oh no. Of course I was lonely, but that was the way I wanted it to be!

“You- You mean…?”, John stuttered with shining eyes.

I didn’t answer, I just leaned in and kissed him.

My first real kiss, and I hoped it was first as well, because I don’t think I did any good. Our noses touched and I pressed my lips on his, shoving my tongue between them until it met his. I closed my eyes to let the two muscles play with each other, his mouth tingled on my tongue and he bit it gently. As I pulled it out I opened my eyes again, just staying like this for a while, I smiled.

“Where do I have to go to find your bedroom?”, I seductively asked,

he grinned and answered,

“I’ll show you the way,” and took me by the hand.

On our way to the bedroom I came to my senses again. What I was doing was the exact opposite of what I had in mind! Why was I doing this? I was about to give my virginity to the man I hated the most! Was that how I was? Suddenly I realized the terrible truth. The girl who had control over my body right now was home-me! The person who was so disgusted by myself, who wanted herself to suffer, to be humiliated… I now had the chance to punish myself for who I was.

I sat down on the edge of John’s bed and crossed my legs, my right foot pointing towards his crotch.

“You have to earn what you see here,” I smiled.

He just grinned back and knelt down, taking off first my right, then my left shoe, then proceeded to do the same with my socks. He kissed and massaged my right foot, showing passionate devotion. I believe he really loved me. He sucked on my toes and massaged my other foot for a while, he let his hands wander up my tired legs. I let out a pleased sigh, which motivated him to let his mouth wander up as well, until he kissed the hollow of my knee, which made me quiver. His head slipped under my skirt, kisses went up my inner thighs and I couldn’t do else than spreading my legs a little until my knees rested on his shoulders. He intensely sniffed at my panties.

“Oh my god, you already are all wet down there!” he said astonished and put two fingers on the wet part of my crotch, then using them to pull the slip down.

“Make the best out of it,” I sighed with a mendacious smile, raising my legs so John could raise the soaked underwear over his head.

“Upon anything that is sacred to me, I will!” he said, shoving his head back into my crotch.

I don’t know what he saw down there, but he must have liked it. His fingers first ran down the smooth, shaved skin that surrounded my pussy, then squeezed my clit, he seemed to roughly know what he had to do but he was a little clumsy doing so. But I couldn’t think about this anymore as soon as his lips touched my crotch and he first kissed my pussy. I moaned and shoved my left forefinger between the lips of my mouth as I felt him sucking out all the slime from my cunt. He carefully shove his tongue into my cave, tickling me with every move while his fingers still circled around my clit. He had his fun down there, eating out my snatch, and I couldn’t say I didn’t like it. My right hand wandered to my breasts which I now gently kneaded as the greedy, excited tongue run over every fold of my honeypot and I began rocking down and forth my hips. A tongue felt so different than fingers, it was rough, wet by itself and wide, I had never felt something like this before. He didn’t dare to do anything to my asshole but accidentally running over it with a finger of his other hand, which was enough to make me jump a little in excitement and my anus wanted to suck in whatever it could get but John used his hand to knead my ass cheeks. I was totally relaxed as he licked me and for a moment I forgot what situation I was in. Home-me couldn’t hurt me with what John did to me.

“Ally, you are so tasty, I could eat you out all day,” John mumbled trance-like.

I raised my legs to spread them wider and John decided to let tongue and fingers switch roles, guided his tongue around my labia to the small hill, which he licked clean in a silly manner and then took between his lips to suck on it, while he pushed the two fingers into the opening, imitating a small cock. He bended them a little, so they would stimulate the walls on the upper side, where I was a little more sensitive than at the others and kept fingerfucking me this way. I had never thought that John was actually in love with me, willing to please me rather than to fuck me, and this was all different than I had imagined my first time. Home-me surely was pissed now, where I had someone loving me going down on me and eating me out, rather than using me and throwing me away as she wished for me… The thought made me moan and shiver, not loud and overdone like actresses did it, just a little, merely louder than sighing, but more frequent. My breath stopped for a second and my legs clutched on John’s head as I felt an orgasm approaching, my wetness flew down my crotch as John now no longer sucked the liquid out of my snatch. I felt electric shocks running through my body as I erupted in John’s face, I almost fell from the bed because of me fidgeting.

When I sat up, I had to laugh. John had fallen onto his butt, his face was sticky with my girlcum, his tongue licked it off every place it could get on, he himself gazing into my crotch as if it was the moon and he would experience his first clear night.

“You really gave everything you had,” I giggled, “I will have a hard time cleaning that skirt!”

“Hehe,” he responded, “Actually I had no idea what I was doing, this was my first time licking a girl.”

“Well, it was also my first time being licked, so I guess we are equal.”

“For real? At your looks you are a virgin?” He looked honestly surprised.

“I haven’t found someone worthy taking my first time yet,” I grinned.

Oh, come on! That had to be even too cheesy for John, I thought, but then I remembered that he was a man and was just doing foreplay with an incredibly good-looking woman. Anything I could say would have made him hornier, I could already see the bulge in his pants. I don’t know if it was home-me or I myself who wanted to say the following sentences.

“Well, I am ready for another first time… You put so much effort in pleasing me, I think I have to return the favour…” I smiled while slowly falling onto my knees.

My lips touched his again and we kissed, I could taste my crotch from his mouth and he put his hands on my breasts, feeling them, kneading them and he sighed happily, revealing a giant spectrum of emotions.

“Get up honey, I want to do to you what you did for me,” I sighed. My butt rested on my bare feet and I was ready to get something tasty into my mouth. As John stood up, he unbuttoned his pants and let them fall down to the ground, his penis only covered with his boxers now, looking at me a little troubled.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”, he asked in a caring voice.

I was not sure, but I just laughed.

“You just sucked my pussy, didn’t you? If I get to suck your dick it’s only fair!”

I pulled down his boxers and watched his dick bouncing up and down. I was fascinated. I got my hands onto the flashy stick and surveyed the feeling. At the outside it was soft and fleshy, but when squeezing it I could feel that the middle was really hard, making the whole thing stiff. It was what I thought to be average sized, maybe 15 to 17 centimetres, another defeat for home-me, as this meat wouldn’t make me gag painfully as she wanted me to. The cock had this funny foreskin that I could move with my fingers, which made John jerk a little and revealed the pink head of his rod. While fondling his balls and thereby discovering that the sack had two little egg-like things which seemed to be very sensitive in it, probably the actual ‘balls’, I sniffed on the cock head, which stunk incredibly bad, making my mouth watering of anticipation. I held John’s dick in my hand, right in front of my lips and looked up in his eyes. He couldn’t say anything, he just stood there, I just hoped I did everything right.

I tried to start slowly by licking the underside of the prick, which caused John to sigh a bit, so it couldn’t be that bad. I spread kisses all over it and then went on to take the balls in my mouth, holding the shaft in my right hand while I was sucking the sweat off the balls until they were all covered in my saliva. Accompanied by John’s moans my tongue wandered up along the shaft until it hit the pink head. It felt totally different than the rest of the cock. Everywhere else the skin was smooth like at any other body part, but the pink was rough and fleshy, it also tasted sour. I made eye contact with John again and tightened the grasp of my hand, holding my lips onto the dick, signalizing that I was ready to suck. A small approving nod by John was all I needed to shove the cock into my mouth.

I tried to do what I read about sucking cock, I covered my teeth with my lips, I used a lot of saliva so the flesh could easily slip in and out and I always kept staring into John’s eyes while giving him a blowjob. Sucking the dick tasted like… well… sucking on flesh, I don’t know what I expected, but it made me hungry. If John would cum in my mouth? I could finally find out how cum tasted if so, I smiled upon the thought. My hand was supporting the motion of my head bobbing forth and back, but I had less and less fingers on the cock as it wasn’t really hard to suck off. It felt totally different than a dildo, too, soft and full, almost tasty. Giving my first blowjob was equally exciting as getting my first Pussylick. I always imagined sucking cock as an act of submission, something sluts would do in clubs to impress boys and something I could do to degrade myself. But now it felt like an adventure, an act of trust between lovers, a proof of respect. I never wanted it to stop and now took my hand completely away. I slowly shoved all the cock in my mouth and gagged just a little as my lips touched John’s balls, still looking into his eyes. At this point, my pussy brought in her opinion.

I let the rod glide out my mouth with a smacking noise, spit hanging down from my lips and his shaft and I could see how the vision drove him crazy. I forgot about the wish to taste his cum, grinned and spoke,

“John, I want you to take my virginity!”

He was visibly excited by the sentence and breathed heavily, then said,

“But I don’t have any condoms… I didn’t think that the two of us would actually…”

“No problem, I’m on the pill,” I lied.

I was struck with the horrible realization. Home-me laughed up her sleeve. In one second I realized all that I had blinded out, how I didn’t actually love John, quite the opposite, and that yet he already was the first one to suck my pussy and the first one to get his dick sucked by me and how I didn’t want him to be that person. And now, he would also take my virginity without using any protection, what he didn’t even know. He was just a horny man, how should he suspect that I was dishonest with him?

He stripped me off my blouse, I undid my bra and John raised me onto his bed, pulling down the skirt, leaving me completely naked on my back, to lure him in I spread my legs for John, who kneeled in front of me, placing his dick onto my cunt.

“Are you ready, Ally?”

“Always, John,” I whispered accepting my fate.

He slowly guided his cock in, as if he expected me to be hurt by it, but the soft flesh just caringly opened and widened my pussy, as if was made to perfectly fit. Well, in a way, it was. As John saw that I could take it he slowly started to penetrate me missionary, with every thrust I felt his nude flesh penetrating my walls. All these years I had imagined how the first time would fell and now I had it under this circumstances, I was paralyzed in fear as he, who loved me, fucked me. And it didn’t even feel bad, no matter how much I wanted to hate him, the worst part of me wanted all this and I just couldn’t hate him anymore. The feeling of being raped was just a lie to myself, as I was the one who offered him the sex at all, I felt more bad for him as I did for myself. He clearly had trouble not to cum already but he gave his best to pleasure me and I had to moan so badly. He fucked me for good and if there was anyone who deserved me, it was him, wasn’t it? Didn’t he always want the best for me? Who had I left without him?

“Yes, come on! Harder! Fuck me like a good girl!” I cried, half in ecstasy, half in sadness.

He followed my order, held my ass up a bit so he could reach deeper into my hole which he now fucked balls deep. I imagined the cock I had sucked earlier in my cunt, every edge of it stroking against the walls of my fuckhole. His cock now made a smacking sound like it did when I let it out my mouth every thrust, the pussy juice spreading all over John’s balls and my crotch. My boobs jiggled in the rhythm of me getting fucked until John got his hands on them and caressed and kneaded their lower and outer sides. My body felt like an accordion of which he knew just what buttons he had to press. Maybe I could get stuck frozen in this moment, John forever fucking my pussy and nothing else, the world around us didn’t matter. I sank in an ocean of lust and felt nothing but my pussy tightening around the meatstick ready to shoot its load and the hands that made my titties feel so good. I felt the waves driving me on the water getting bigger and bigger and I knew that it would soon be over, when I came, John would also no longer hold back. But maybe, if I was lucky, he wouldn’t even want to cum inside?

“John, I want you to cum inside my pussy!” I moaned.

“A-Are you sure?” he asked with a trembling, almost orgasmic voice.

“Of course, as soon as I cum, release!”

I was powerless. I felt my arms, then my legs flinching, then my hands, feet and hips, I let out one big moan when I reached the edge, my mind went blank and I felt nothing but my pussy contracting and heard nothing but John’s moans.

The next other sensation I felt was the hot liquid in the deepest depths of my body. I sat up and looked down on me, right in time to see John pulling out, thick white cum flew out of my opening. Home-me had her little very own orgasm when I saw what she had done to me.

“I love you,” I smiled to John, wanting to cry.

“I love you too, Ally,” he panted, smiling back at me, then looking around in the room.

“What are you looking for, Johnny?” I asked him, Johnny definitely sounded better than ‘Johm’.

“Just something to clean my cock from cum…”

“I’ve got a better idea,” I spoke licking my lips.

“Hehe, you are quite kinky for a freshly deflowered girl,” he grinned.

“Oh, you got no idea…”

His cum tasted bitter, like a combination of black tea and washing powder, I found out while sucking it out his cock. The shaft now was a little smaller and much softer and it took force to suck out the white liquid, like from a candy. When I was done, the two of us kissed a last time and he hugged me from behind, his dick pressing between my ass cheeks, making it a little hard again. We said nothing until he fell to sleep.

I was lying awake a long time, but when John fell asleep, I could finally start to cry.
Out of shame, out of fear, I thought at first.
But the longer I cried, the less I knew what I really felt.

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