I’d Never View it as Cheating–Part 1

This is a story unlike anything I’ve ever written. It describes a family’s struggle to deal with a major health issue and a wife’s total love for her husband. If only women like Lizzie really existed.

“Cum, baby…fuck me…flood my pussy.”

“UNNNNGGGGHHHH! UNNNNGGGHHH! UNNNNNGGGGHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!” My head fell to lie on her supple breast as her fingers ran through my hair and my orgasm ebbed, leaving me in post-coital heaven.

“You okay?”

I lifted my head so I could look into those clear brown eyes. Smiling, I replied, “Isn’t that supposed to be my line?”

“Normally, it would be, but this is an unusual occasion. You’ve had an emotionally difficult and challenging day…and you haven’t answered my question.”

“Yeah, I’m definitely okay…better than I’ve been in more than eighteen months…better than I’ve been since this whole nightmare began.”

“I’m glad and I assume you’ll want to do it again.”

“Oh yeah…and, hopefully I’ll be able to last long enough to do something worthwhile for you, too.”

“I’m not worried. I know it’s been a long time since you had real sex. I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did.”

“I’ll get off you now. I don’t want to hurt you with my weight.”

“You’ll do nothing of the sort,” Toni told me. “I like you right where you are. Maybe next time I’ll ride you. When I do I’ll expect to lie on you before, during, and after.” I looked down into those eyes and smiled as I was taken back to our first meeting.

ONE MONTH AGO

“Geez! You look like you just lost your best friend.” Looking up from my Glenlivet 18 Year-old single malt, neat—a double–I noticed for the first time the woman who had seated herself next to me when the bar was almost totally empty.

“That’s exactly what happened, except it’s even worse.”

“Why don’t you tell me about it? I’ve found that talking about a problem sometimes helps.”

“It’s really kind of personal. I don’t think you’d find it at all interesting, but thanks for the offer.” I turned back to my drink, but she didn’t leave.

“I’ll have a Chardonnay and another for my friend,” she told the bartender. “Can you bring them to that table?” Next thing she had my arm and was turning me toward the rear of the bar. She led me to the booth and pushed me onto the bench before taking the one on the opposite side. She introduced herself once the drinks were served. “I’m Antonia…Toni.”

“I’m Chuck…er, Charles…er, whatever.”

“I’d say it’s a pleasure to meet you, but you’re obviously not having much of a good time tonight. I also see you’re married. I try to stay away from married men.”

“That’s who I’m mourning—my wife.”

“Oh…I am sorry.”

“No…I’m sorry. I’m not being very clear. I’m just so upset. She’s not dead. It’s worse than that.”

“Why don’t you tell me about it? Start at the beginning. Go ahead; I have all night.”

I finished my drink and set the glass aside before picking up the second. Closing my eyes for a minute brought me back almost twenty-five years.

CHAPTER 1

Starting at the very beginning I allowed my tale to slowly unfold. “I had just graduated from college. Initially, I thought I’d become a doctor, but I learned pretty quickly that I didn’t have the self-discipline to do all that studying. I changed after first semester of my sophomore year, opting instead to study education. I had three younger sisters I often helped with their schoolwork and I had enjoyed working with some of the young kids at a junior high as a volunteer tutor while in college.

“My summer job kept me on the beach as a lifeguard for the State Park Commission. It was a relatively easy job and one I enjoyed a lot more than working for my dad as a part-time plumber’s helper. I knew that being a plumber was a good-paying job, but I hated it. I liked the men who worked for Dad, but the work was always dirty and much worse when I had to work on someone’s sewer problem—something my dad always seemed to find for me. The beach was clean and I had gained some important people skills I’d find useful in my teaching career.

“There were preliminary interviews in the placement office at school and I’d been invited to a formal interview at a high school near my family’s home during spring break. No Florida vacation for me; I’d be working in the plumbing business the entire time except for the day of my interview. It was also the day I was hired for my first professional position.

“Once I had graduated I returned home to the plumbing business until the park was officially opened for swimming. I’d had a good summer right up until the last week of August when I had to attend three days of new teacher orientation. Most of it was just as boring as I had imagined, but on Friday they took us by school bus to a county park where we were treated to a party and picnic on the beach. That’s where I first met Lizzie. She was a second-year teacher who had been enlisted to help out at the party. We played horseshoes and even swam in the ocean together. Of course, I made sure she was safe the entire time. I’m sure you know how dangerous the ocean can be around here.

“Lizzie had asked me about my swim suit. ‘That’s kind of a funny looking suit. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it.’

“’That’s probably true,’ I told her. ‘ You can’t buy a suit like this in a store. I get two of them free every year.’ I explained that I was a lifeguard and that this was the official New York State suit—navy blue with a wide gold band on each side. Those suits were almost skin-tight, made by Ocean Champion—a company that’s out of business now. Think Speedo, but not as skimpy. A tight suit is more important than you might think. First, you can swim faster—there’s less drag through the water. Second, there’s less for a drowning victim to grab on to. Yes,” I continued, “I had to jump in for a rescue more than a dozen times that year.

“Lizzie was a social studies teacher at the same high school where I taught ninth grade science so we ran into each other fairly often. She was tall, about five feet nine, and slender with smallish breasts and nicely developed hips, weighing about 125 pounds at the time. I thought she was really hot. Our first date consisted of only a pizza and sodas—that was all I could afford–before going to the high school’s first home football game. That was the first week in September. After that we dated every weekend and even saw each other on several Sundays. It hadn’t been love at first sight for me, but I knew she was the one I’d want to spend the rest of my life with by the end of October. I proposed in mid-November and was shocked when she agreed immediately.

“Teachers made peanuts in those days. I couldn’t afford a ring, but Lizzie didn’t care. She clearly wasn’t marrying me for my money. I did manage to buy a cheap cubic zirconium ring, promising to replace it with the real thing as soon as humanly possible. That turned out to be years later. That alone should tell you a lot about her.

“We were married the Saturday after the school year ended—Lizzie was a beautiful bride– and moved into a small one-bedroom apartment after a week-long honeymoon in Bermuda. The following day I was back on the beach with my new wife to share my breaks. Money was tight the first five years with anything extra going either to pay for graduate school at night or the down payment on our first house. We moved in when we had been married five and a half years. We both had master’s degrees which helped financially especially two years later when our first child was born. Lizzie stayed home to care for our children and there was no doubt that we were completely in love. We spent every possible moment together, making love four to five times a week, something that has continued until recently. I think you’ll understand why when I get to that.

“Lizzie must have seen something in me because she suggested that I return to graduate school to study school administration. She was right; I loved the course of study, staying to complete a doctorate, and found a position as an assistant principal five years later once I had finished my degree. Three years after that I had my first principal’s job. I was forty when I accepted my current job as high school principal in what I think is one of the area’s better school districts. (I wasn’t prepared to share the name of the district at that point–something I later realized was silly.) Both of our kids attend an excellent university and I doubted things could have been better. Then, when Lizzie turned forty-five, it all fell apart. That was a little over a year ago.

“I had walked into the house on a Thursday afternoon, surprised when Lizzie didn’t return my greeting as she had done every day for the past twenty-plus years. I was a bit concerned when I walked into the kitchen. Then I was in a state of almost total panic. Standing there in the middle, conscious–but seemingly confused and unresponsive–was my wonderful wife.” I paused for a few seconds, taking a lengthy sip of my drink. There were tears in my eyes when I looked up at Toni. I was surprised when she leaned forward to kiss them from my cheeks.

“I thought at the time that she’d suffered a stroke. My arm still around her waist, I pulled her to the phone on the wall, holding her tightly while I pressed 911. I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth fast enough and then there was the horrible wait for the ambulance and the police to arrive. Later that night after I called our kids I sat alone in her hospital room while she was being tested. My emotions were out of control when she was wheeled in and placed into the bed. If the nurses knew anything they weren’t saying. Lizzie just laid there, her eyes open and still not moving, when the doctor finally walked in to see me.

“He was Dr. Thompson, a neurologist. He was slow and patient as he explained that Lizzie had not had a stroke. He thought it was something I’d learn to dread—Early Onset Alzheimer’s. I asked a lot of questions and he tried to answer all of them. I learned that night that thousands of men and women as young as forty are stricken every year with a condition for which there was no cure. Earlier that evening I had prayed that Lizzie hadn’t had a stroke. Later I prayed that she had…anything other than Alzheimer’s.

“Lizzie came out of her…I still don’t know what it was—spell…trance…episode, something like that I guess. I really don’t know and neither did the doctors. I learned later that she’d had many small short-duration spells over the past months, but had hid them from me in fear of what might be happening to her. She had medicine that made her wired, but at the time I thought that was preferable to the times when she was out of it—when she couldn’t recall the simplest things in our life like who I was or the names of our children. At least I could speak with her and hold her. Yes, I know what you’re thinking—make love to her. I didn’t realize then that all the medication did was to buy a little time. She’s still taking medication, but who knows if it’s doing any good. I can’t see any visible signs that it is.

“She kept slipping away and, worse, she seemed to realize what was happening. The frequency of the spells began to increase and their duration was longer. Her memory sometimes seemed to completely disappear as she became more and more disoriented. I came home from work several times to find her car in the garage but the house empty. I can’t begin to tell you how frantic that made me.

“One of our ideas was to have a party with our neighbors. Once everyone had a drink I asked for quiet and began to tell them of Lizzie’s condition. I could hear the gasps as I described what we, but mostly she, had been through. I finished by asking for their help. Several of the wives were home during the day. Would they be willing to keep an eye out for her? I wasn’t at all surprised that everyone volunteered. In spite of that there were still times when she disappeared. A few phone calls brought together a neighborhood posse, all dedicated to finding her and bringing her home safely.

“Eventually, after about a year, she was spending more time out of it than in. I worried every time I went to work. I wanted to speak with her about what to do, but she….” I had to stop. I realized that I was bawling, tears flowing down my face. Toni patted my shoulder then rose and walked to the ladies’ room, returning with some wet paper towels for my face. I was amazed when she washed my cheeks and cleaned my eyes.

I took another deep swallow of my drink, but turned down the waitress for another. Toni did the same. “I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. Believe it or not, the food is fairly decent here. Will you join me?”

“Of course; I know you have a lot more to get off your chest. I don’t want to seem nosy, but I can see how this is a catharsis for you.” She reached across the table to rest her hand on top of mine, removing it only when the waitress returned with two menus. I suggested the onion soup knowing that it was home-made and the steak sandwich. Toni followed my lead. My story continued once the waitress was gone.

“Finally, one Saturday morning Lizzie was lucid and we talked about what was happening and of my concerns. ‘I’m terribly afraid that I’ll come home some evening and find you dead here in the house or I’ll get a phone call that you’ve wandered away and been killed crossing the road. I don’t know what to do.’

“’You’ll have to put me someplace where you know I’ll be safe. I’m glad you have my power of attorney. I trust you, darling. I know you’ll do what’s best for both of us. I have something for you to look at under my bras, but not until you’ve found a good place for me and I’m there full-time. Now I want to make love with you. I know you won’t do it when I’m somewhere else and I need to know how much you love me.’ It was the last time–our last time—almost a month ago.

“It was wonderful, just like every other time, but when we finished I could see that she was gone again. I began looking that very afternoon, checking online and the yellow pages. I phoned the hospital; Dr. Thompson was on duty and was kind enough to speak with me for almost fifteen minutes. He phoned back about an hour later with several suggestions, all in our area.

“I dressed Lizzie Sunday morning and we went to visit, skipping church for the first time in years. They were all decent, but one stood out. Lizzie would have her own room and she’d have an electronic monitor on her wrist that would tell the staff her condition and location 24/7. She couldn’t go outside without an alarm sounding. The room was fairly large, bright and airy, with its own bathroom, a small closet, and a dresser.

“We ate with the residents and the food was pretty good. The director explained that everything was prepared fresh daily and that their dietician set up meals for each patient based on their needs and capabilities. We’d purchased long-term care insurance a few years ago fortunately because having Lizzie there is terribly expensive. Of course, I’d make any sacrifice for her.”

“I believe you would. I can see how much you love her even after all the years together.”

“Not ‘even after,’ Toni—‘because of’…because of all the years we’d spent together.” I paused for a few minutes when our soup arrived.

“This is pretty good,” Toni told me. “I never would have expected…you know, in a place like this.”

“All bars in New York have to serve food—it’s the law. Some just serve sandwiches and burgers, but others like this one actually have a real chef in the kitchen.” Our dinners arrived a few minutes later so I delayed telling about the heavy stuff until we were done. I continued once Toni had laid her knife and fork across the plate. I had finished sooner, the result, I had often told Lizzie, of dining in my fraternity where fast eaters were often rewarded with seconds.

“Dessert,” I asked.

“No, thank you; I’ve already eaten too much. Thank you for dinner; it was really quite good.”

“You’re welcome. I guess you know how glad I am for the company. Shall I continue?” I did once she nodded.

“I had to take a few days off to get everything settled. It’s hard for me to take time from work during the school year. The work just piles up and the problems are only put off until I return. Luckily, the superintendent is a really good guy. His uncle had Alzheimer’s so he’s very sympathetic. It was Thursday by the time I had all the paperwork and insurance straightened out. I dressed her and fed her breakfast, taking time to wipe her face after almost every spoonful. She didn’t know me and didn’t respond to anything I said.

“I knew then that she was lost to me…maybe forever. I only knew that I would treasure every moment I was able to spend with her. After breakfast I drove her to the home, bawling every second. That must be a common occurrence; the staff never mentioned a word. I wanted to stay with her, but the nurse said it would be best if I left. I walked into school just after ten. Even the biggest asshole kids knew enough to stay out of my way. I felt that my heart had been ripped from my body—I still do.

“I go to visit her every afternoon in the hope that she’ll recognize me, but she doesn’t. She sometimes asks me, ‘Do I know you?’ I tell her I’m her husband and she tells me she’s too young to be married. She’s only twelve, after all. Those are the good days. She’s like a zombie on the others—totally unresponsive. Those are the days when I pray I’d had the courage to kill her…to strangle the life from her body just so she’d be free of this.”

“What about you? Wouldn’t you be free, too?”

“Me? No…I’ll never be free. This will haunt me until the day I die. I went home after seeing her this afternoon and remembered her telling me about something under her bras. I went to our bedroom, opened her underwear drawer and found these.” I reached into my jacket pocket, removing three DVD’s, each in a paper envelope. They were marked “CHUCK,” “CARL,” and “HER.”

“Who’s Carl?”

“My boss…Dr. Carl Parker, the Superintendent of Schools.”

“And…Her?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I will once I look at the DVD for me.”

“What? You haven’t looked at it yet?”

“No…I’m afraid of what I might see. Suppose her last message to me is something crazy…something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.”

“You mean like not viewing it is haunting you now?”

I couldn’t help myself. A wry smile came to my face. “Touche! How about you tell me something about you? You already know just about my entire life story.”

“Changing the subject—that’s your answer?”

“No…I’ll watch it when I get home, but I admit to being intrigued. Why’d you sit next to me? The damned bar is almost empty. Why’d you spend,” I paused to check the time on my watch, “almost three hours with me? I don’t think it was for the free dinner. Your bracelet is worth maybe a hundred times more than the twenty-five bucks I’ll spend on your meal. So, I repeat…why?”

“Curiosity, I suppose; you’re right about the bracelet. It cost me more than $3500. I work in the family court system. I see misery every day, but I doubt I’ve ever seen anyone as miserable as you were earlier tonight. I have to go now. Thanks for the dinner. Will I see you tomorrow?”

“You coming here again?”

“I think not, but why don’t you give me your cell number? I’ll call you and we can decide when and where.”

I gave her my number. She leaned down to kiss my cheek. “You’re braver than you think, Chuck. Go home and watch the DVD of your wife. I’m sure she’ll tell you how much she loves you. That’s what I would do.” She leaned down and kissed my cheek again.

“How come you’re not taken?”

“Who says I’m not?”

“No rings…at least, not on the right finger.”

“I was married, but he didn’t love me enough—nowhere near as much as you and Lizzie love each other. ‘Night, Chuck, I’ll try to phone around noon when court is adjourned. That’s the time I usually throw up after watching how people who are supposed to love each other repeatedly prove they don’t.” She turned and walked out of Fred’s Bar and Grill. I paid the check and left a few minutes later.

CHAPTER 2

Twenty minutes later I walked into our big empty house. We’d had so many wonderful times here over the years. Somehow, I doubted there’d be too many good ones in the future. I missed my wife something awful. A minute later I was in our bedroom and I was crying again. “Oh, Lizzie,” I thought. “I need you so badly.” Hanging my suit in the closet, I dumped my shirt and underwear in the hamper and walked naked to the shower. Even here I missed Lizzie. We showered together often, expressing our love for each other in just one more way. Once out and dry I donned a tee shirt and running shorts, put the DVD into the player and leaned back onto the bed to see what message Lizzie had left me. Her picture appeared; it was obvious that she’d made this on her laptop.

“Hi, Chuck—first, I want you to know how much I love you. I know you’ve missed me when I’m off in my special world, but I’ve missed you just as much. If you’re watching this it means that I’ve taken a turn for the worse and you’ve found me a nice place to live where I’ll be safe and well cared for. I trust you completely with every aspect of my life.

“Now I want to get to the point. You’ve shown me every day how much you love me. Now I need to show you how much I love you. We used to make love as often as we could, didn’t we? How many people in their forties make love four to five days a week? Not many, I’d guess. How often have we done it since I became ill? Not enough, that’s for sure.

“You’re a man, Chuck, with a man’s needs and I know that you’ve suffered greatly since this happened to me…to us. I know you would never have relations with me while I’m ‘elsewhere.’ You’d think it was like rape, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, you know I would,” I answered my wife’s image on the screen.

“That’s why, Chuck, you need to find someone who will help you with this. You need to find someone to have sex with. I know what you’re thinking now, too. You’re thinking it would be cheating and you’d never cheat. I’d never view it as cheating, darling. It’s something you need and it’s something I want for you.

“I know you’ll be reluctant, but I want two promises from you—that you’ll do it for me and that when you find her you’ll bring her to meet me even if I can’t respond—even if I don’t recognize you. I’ll want you to take her to dinner and shows just like you would if she was your girlfriend—just like you would do with me. I made the other two DVD’s with this in mind—one for Carl so he’ll know you have my permission and blessing when all those busybodies in your school district call him to complain and one for her so she’ll understand what I’m willing to give her.

“I pray for the day you come to visit me to find I am back with you. On that day we will make the most wonderful love even if we scare the living daylights out of the staff. Goodbye, my darling—I wouldn’t trade my life with you for anything. I love you, Chuck, more than I can ever tell you.” The video ended then—just as well, I couldn’t see through my tears. How could Lizzie love me so much that she’d give me away to another? I brushed my teeth and went to bed knowing that I’d sleep just as poorly tonight as I had every night since this nightmare began.

The following morning I phoned Carl to ask for an appointment. He told me to come right over. Carl was seated at his desk, but rose to shake my hand the instant I walked through the door. “How’s Lizzie, Chuck?”

“Worse; you know I had to place her into a home for Alzheimer’s patients. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do…even worse than when John Riley committed suicide and I had to tell his students.” I reached into my jacket for the DVD’s and gave them to him.

“What’s this, Chuck?”

“They’re messages from Lizzie. I watched the one she made for me last night. She knows how much I’ve missed her. She wants me to find someone to fill the
void…someone to socialize with and someone for sex. I’m pretty sure yours will tell you that she gives her blessing.”

Carl turned and placed my DVD into his desktop’s drive. It told him exactly what I had described then he removed it and replaced it with his. A few seconds later Lizzie’s face filled the screen. She told Carl that she wanted me to find someone to fill my social and sexual voids. Once she had finished with that she asked Carl to promise that he’d cover for me when people complained. “You know how small-minded some people can be, Carl. Don’t forget that this is what I want for Chuck. I wish it was me, but fate has intervened in a horrible way. Thank you, Carl for your friendship and support. I doubt I’ll be able to tell you again how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for us.”

“I’d like to hold onto this for a few days, Chuck. I want to share it with the Board then I’ll return it to you. You’re so lucky to have that kind of love. Few people do.” He shook my hand again and I returned to my school.

Toni phoned my cell a bit after noon, telling me what a difficult day she was having. “Yeah, tell me about it. I watched the DVD last night. I’ll tell you about it at dinner.” We made arrangements to meet at an Italian place I knew of about fifteen miles from where I lived and worked.

I was out the door at four on the dot, taking work home with me so I could spend as much time as possible with Lizzie. She was in her room, seated and looking out the window when I walked in with a big bouquet of flowers. Her smile warmed my heart, but then she asked, “Do I know you?”

“Yes, you do; I’m Chuck—your husband.”

“Oh! Have we been married long?”

“Yes, we have…almost twenty-five years. We love each other very much.”

“Oh!”

I talked with her for more than an hour then I asked if I could hold her hand. She let me although she was a bit uncomfortable at first. I told her about our life together, about our two children, and our friends and relatives. Once I was done with that I told her about my work. I took a chance and hugged and kissed her when I had to leave at 6:30. Lizzie’s only response was the vacuous smile that told me once again that she was lost.

Toni was waiting for me when I walked into the restaurant’s lobby. The place was crowded, but we were shown to a table almost immediately. We ordered drinks as we checked over the menu. Lizzie and I had been here a few times, but clearly Toni was a regular. Several of the wait staff stopped by to say hello. I welcomed their interruptions. I was nervous—much more so than I had been last night because I knew we’d talk about Lizzie’s DVD and what it might mean. Toni looked to be about forty; she was attractive with what I thought of as a good body and she was obviously intelligent. On the other hand she’d probably freak out when she learned what Lizzie wanted me to do.

I’d had a couple of good long sips of scotch before venturing into Lizzie’s message. “You know,” I began, “you don’t have to….”

“Stop, Chuck; I want to hear what Lizzie wanted to say to you. She began by telling you how much she loves you, didn’t she?”

Once again, I couldn’t help myself—my eyes began to tear. “Yes, her whole message was about her love for me. She told me that she wanted me to take a lover…a surrogate for her to give me what she knows I need but won’t get from her. I could never take advantage of her in her current state and she knows it. I’d think of it as being a form of rape even though she’s my wife. She asked me to promise that I’d follow through.”

“Did you…promise?”

“Yeah, I did. Of course, there’s no way for her to ever know.”

“But, you’d know, wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah, that’s the problem. I think of myself as an honest man. I don’t lie or cheat so a promise made is a promise kept even if the promise is only to myself. She told me she doesn’t view it as cheating. I gave Carl his disc this morning. We watched it in his office. She asked him to understand and to protect me when people raise concerns. He’ll show it to the Board of Education in private. His uncle had Alzheimer’s so he’s very sympathetic.”

“What about the ‘HER’ disc?”

“I was afraid you’d bring that up,” I said with a chuckle. She joined me a second later. “I’d have to really know someone before I could even think of asking. Let’s face it—the situation would be kind of bizarre.”

“Why? Twenty or thirty years ago I might have agreed with you, but not today. There are all kinds of relationships out there and many of them are based primarily on sex. You’re a handsome, intelligent, and obviously caring man. I doubt you’ll have a problem.”

“Well, there are plenty of single women in my school, but I remember something my dad once told me–‘Don’t eat and shit in the same place.’ What he meant was work is no place to fool around. There are so many pitfalls and dangers—sexual harassment is not something I need to be associated with. Of course, I’ve recently met an attractive and intelligent woman, but I have no idea if she’d have any interest.”

“She might, but like you she has to know the person really well before taking such a step. I think we danced around that pretty well, don’t you?”

“God, I can’t remember ever being so nervous.”

“You’re in good company.” Toni laughed as she placed her hand on top of mine. We changed to lighter topics as our first course arrived. I continued on a more serious note once our coffee had been delivered.

“You haven’t said you’re not interested.”

“No, I haven’t even though I know you’re married and will only love your wife until the day either of you dies. I’ve already said you’re an attractive and intelligent man, Chuck and you look to be in good physical condition. I’d much prefer a single man, but I’m willing to consider a relationship with you. I believe you’re trustworthy and you’re obviously honest, too.”

“I like you, too so…what’s the next step?”

“I had thought to go into the city tomorrow, perhaps to one of the museums, but I think you’d prefer to spend the day with your wife. Why don’t I see if I can get some last-minute theater tickets? I insist on going Dutch or, at least, sharing expenses until we know where we’re going with this. I’ll phone you as soon as I know. I’ll check Newsday to see if there’s anything on the Island. Is that okay with you?”

“Perfect; thanks for realizing that I need to spend some time with Lizzie even if she doesn’t recognize me. It’s just something I have to do.”

“I know, Chuck. I doubt I’d have any interest in you if you weren’t so thoughtful or caring. I only hope I find someone who will love me as much as you and Lizzie obviously love each other.”

The rest of the meal was like two old friends meeting for dinner. We explored and tried to get to know each other better. I was pretty sure that she’d be the “HER” Lizzie had described. I thought at the time that Toni felt the same way. All we had to do was get to know each other.

CHAPTER 3

And so began the weirdest “courtship” ever known to mankind. Okay, maybe that was a bit of a stretch, but it was certainly something both Toni and I agreed was strange. We never made it to Broadway that Saturday, but we did find our way to dinner and a movie—a chick flick—on Saturday evening. She teased me terribly afterwards—“The things men will do for sex,” she said.

“Yeah, but we don’t even know if that’s in the cards, do we?” We both laughed. Being with Toni was fun and if anyone could use some fun it was me. The past months had been nothing but one downer after another.

I spent almost all day with Lizzie talking about school and how David and Beth—our children—missed their weekly phone conversations with their mom. They would visit with me once their school year had ended. Unfortunately, they were both more than six hundred miles away—too far for a weekend visit unless there was a dire emergency. Lizzie and I had often flown to them for a few days, but neither of us wanted to interfere with either their academic or social pursuits any more than necessary. They were young adults who deserved the opportunity to live their own lives.

I saw Toni several nights a week, even going to her house for dinner and having her come to Lizzie’s and mine, as well. We did all the things that dating couples did, but we usually did them far from her community or mine. Probably the highlight occurred on a Friday night in early May when the Yankees hosted the Mets for yet another game in what had become known as the Subway Series. I knew I could almost always get tickets for a Yankee game because of my grandfather who had been a famous Yankee manager and for whom I was named—Charles Dillon. My family had even called me “Casey’ as a kid.

Grandpa had been dead for years, but I had a special phone number that connected to the general manager’s office. All I had to do was ask and I’d have tickets right behind the dugout. I always offered to pay and I probably did about fifty percent of the time. I’d attended dozens of games, many on the owner’s dime. Toni jumped at the chance to go and when I picked her up I saw why. She wore a Mets uniform shirt with the name and number of her favorite player—Mike Piazza. Of course, I wore my Yankees cap.

I knew she was a Mets fan—she’d told me several times—so I knew we’d have an interesting experience. However, I was really surprised when she pulled her glove out of a brown paper bag halfway to the train station. Not to be out done I pulled mine from the trunk after parking in the Long Island Railroad’s huge Ronkonkoma Station lot. We rode the train in to Penn Station then north on the subway to the Bronx—the A-train to 59th and changing to the D. After the game we settled in for the long ride back to Suffolk County. Ronkonkoma was the last stop on this line. Toni elbowed me several times en route. I couldn’t hide my grin: Yanks 5—Mets 2.

Carl had shown his DVD to the Board of Education. He told me it was received with open mouths and stony silence until he advised them that he planned to support me completely. He related his uncle’s history and his aunt’s difficulties in coping with the challenges of living with someone who recognized neither his wife nor his children…nor anyone or anything else from his life. “Remember who Chuck is –the kind of man he is–and remember that this is Lizzie’s idea.” Eventually he did win them over despite their initial reluctance.

Knowing that I had their acceptance, if not their outright approval, I arranged to bring my “friend” to the school’s spring season athletic banquet on a Friday night in late May. We were to sit with Carl and the other administrators along with two members of the Board. “Are you sure this is a good idea,” Toni asked me.

“No, but I don’t think we have anything to hide. We’re socializing…that’s all. I’d love to take Lizzie, but that would be a disaster. You’re not planning to hold hands or kiss me, are you?”

“Not in the catering hall with all those people around…no, but maybe later if you’re a really good boy!” I laughed as I drove the car into the parking lot, found a spot near the entrance and helped Toni from the car. We were on our best behavior as we entered, walking directly to our table. We were there for about ten minutes when Carl joined us.

I had just finished the introductions when my two assistants and the athletic director approached. When the two Board members joined us the table was deadly silent until Toni commented, “I don’t bite, you know.” We all laughed and the ice was broken.

Later, after the speeches and more than a hundred handshakes for the student athletes, we were in the car laughing about the tension at our table. “I can understand why you like Carl. He’s a very caring person, but I’ll bet he can be hell on wheels when he has to be.”

“It goes with the job—just like mine. There are times when I have to be strict and demanding, and not just with the students. Sometimes I need to be tough with the teachers, the parents, even with my own administrators. There are times I have difficulty remembering that I do all this for the benefit of the students.”

“What about when you have to suspend someone?”

“Especially then; everyone needs to understand limits. Isn’t it better to learn that lesson in school rather than out in the world where a major screw-up can destroy your career or your life?”

“Yes, you’re right, Chuck. I suspect you’re really excellent at your job. Why don’t you come in for a night cap?”

“You know I don’t like to drink and drive.”

“Who says you’re going to drink or drive? I think I ought to get a peek at that DVD you’ve been holding for me. Is it still in your glove box?” She leaned forward to open it, finding the yellow disc envelope clearly marked “HER” right on top of all the junk that glove boxes seem to accumulate.

I must have had a million questions, and even more doubts, at that instant, but they were silenced when Toni reached over to place her hand gently on the back of my neck. Fifteen minutes later she led me into her living room. I sat on one end of the couch while Toni turned on the TV and loaded the disc into the player. I wasn’t at all surprised when Lizzie’s face appeared on the screen. Toni sat next to me and took my hand in hers. We sat silently as Lizzie began to speak.

“We haven’t met, but I think I already know a lot about you. You’re tall and slender, probably with dark hair. I’d bet that your breasts are suitable for your body, but not big like a D-cup or larger. You’re attractive, but what Chuck really likes is your intelligence.” Toni glanced at me as I smiled and nodded. By then Lizzie had continued.

“I’m sure you know by now what has happened to me. I have Alzheimer’s and I’m in a home for Alzheimer’s patients. I love and trust Chuck so I know it is a nice place where I will be well cared for and safe.

“You may think that you’re doing Chuck a big favor, but you’re not. You’re doing it for me. You see, I love Chuck so much that I want to see that he is as well cared for as I am. He needs someone to talk with and he needs someone for sex. You will find him a most considerate lover. He always took excellent care of me so I am sure that he will do the same for you.

“I asked Chuck for two promises in another DVD I made and I’d bet my life that he has agreed. First, I asked him to promise that he would seek you out and follow through on having sex with you. Second, I asked him to bring you to meet me. I doubt that I will recognize Chuck—I haven’t when I’ve been ‘somewhere else,’ but it will mean a lot, especially to Chuck who will, despite my words, think that he is cheating on me. He’s not; this is what I want for him. Will you please help us? I will be forever grateful.

“Chuck, I know you’re there with her so I want to remind you that I love you. I always have and I always will. We believe in God and in Heaven so if we don’t get together again here on earth I’m sure we’ll be able to spend eternity together. Bye, my love.” The DVD ended and Toni moved closer to kiss the tears from my eyes. I was bawling again like a baby. Oh Lizzie, why did this have to happen to us?

I was on my feet and following Toni down the hall before I even realized what was happening. Once in her bedroom she began to undress me, carefully placing my clothes on the back of a nearby chair. My socks were placed into my loafers when Toni moved up to kiss me. It was our first really passionate kiss and, despite my concerns, I must say it was fantastic. Toni gave me her tongue and after a few seconds I gave her mine.

She broke the kiss after a few minutes to whisper, “Your turn now.” She turned around to give me access to the tiny buttons on her blouse. Opening them reminded me of the times I’d done this for my wonderful Lizzie. After lifting it over her head I carefully removed her bra. She moved back into me, grabbed my hands, and led them to her soft tender breasts. Automatically, I leaned down to nuzzle her neck. “That feels nice, Chuck, but how about getting me out of this skirt? I’d like to have you in me.” Three minutes later, I was.

Toni somehow knew that this wasn’t a night for a lot of foreplay. For one thing, I probably would have come to my senses, dressed, and gone home. I would have spoiled the one great thing in my life. Instead, she pulled down the blanket, laid back—her legs up and open—and pulled me to her. I was hard for the first time in months. My distress over Lizzie’s plight had made it difficult for me to even jerk off. I hadn’t had a full erection in months until tonight when Toni had worked her magic on me. Neither of us was surprised that I didn’t last very long.

“Don’t worry—tomorrow is another day. Pull up the blanket and let’s go to sleep. I’m always horny in the morning.” My God! I was staying the night. Toni snuggled up next to me, her butt pressing against my cock. She pulled my arm around her, allowing it to lean on her breast as we prepared for our first full night together. I leaned forward to kiss her neck then relaxed on the pillow, sleeping better than I had in months.

The sun was high in the sky when I finally woke. I looked over for Toni, but she wasn’t there. That’s when the aroma of fresh coffee and frying bacon hit me. My feet on the floor, I stood slowly and stretched then I walked slowly to the kitchen. Toni was there cooking breakfast and setting the table for two in a short thigh-length robe. “Morning,” I croaked. I never was any good until my first cup of coffee.

Toni turned and giggled as she took in my naked body. “Funny, isn’t it? Gravity takes over once you hit forty.”

“I wasn’t laughing at your body. I think it’s great, besides I saw it last night, didn’t I?”

“Then…?”

“I was giggling at this.” Her hand found my engorged cock. “It looks even nicer in the light.” Then, getting serious, she continued, “Don’t worry. I’m not looking to marry you. I know you’ll only love Lizzie. Why don’t we eat, then we’ll clean up and go back to bed. After that I think we should shower and go to your place so you can get some casual clothes before going to see Lizzie together. I know you promised her that.” She reached up to kiss me before asking, “Scrambled okay?”

“Yeah…great; have any ketchup?”

“Of course, look on the refrigerator door. There’s a shelf there with a bunch of condiments.”

I opened the fridge and found it immediately. “Want anything while I’m in here?” Toni shook her head as she placed a hot mug of coffee on the table. I sipped carefully while she finished the bacon and eggs. I laughed a few minutes later when she served the meal. She had given me two-thirds of the eggs and more than three-quarters of the bacon.

Toni laughed at my expression. “You’ll need your strength to get through the day. Trust me.” I shrugged my shoulders and dug in. Ten minutes later we were done and I helped her clean up the kitchen. Working together we had the job done in no time. We’d made small talk all the way through breakfast and the cleanup, but now we were silent. I couldn’t bring myself to utter little endearments like the ones I had always whispered to Lizzie and still did even though she was incapable of responding.

Toni dropped her robe once we were in the bedroom and turned to me. She was exactly as Lizzie had thought—tall, slender, in good shape, with moderate breasts. Her dark brown hair was cut short and had subtle blonde highlights. Best of all was her obvious intelligence. She had listened to me our first night together with incredible understanding and patience. She hadn’t said what she did in the family court system, but I could easily see her as a counselor or psychologist or even a guardian ad litem.

She came to me, wrapped her fingers in my salt-and-pepper hair, and mashed her lips into mine. I was more receptive this time, opening my mouth as our tongues danced with desire. My hands found their way to her back, her ass, and finally to tease her hardened nipples. We moved together as though dancing, except that I was pushing forward and she was pulling backward toward the messy bed with sheets and blankets askew.

Slowly, Toni fell back, pulling me down with her—onto her body—as I rolled over to pull her onto me, just as she had told me last night. She moved up and down, rubbing her hot moist slit over my hardness. We both knew it wasn’t love, but it certainly qualified as unbridled lust even after our hot session just last night.

We had continued the kiss throughout our maneuvering across the bed. Now Toni broke it to shift her attention to my cock. Her hand ran gently over my balls before gripping me firmly, lifting her body and sliding slowly down my shaft. She moved back down to kiss me again before moving her hands to my chest to balance and begin a slow determined rhythm on my organ. We moved together for perhaps five minutes—I didn’t know, maybe it was ten–before we felt the need to go faster and harder. Our lust had reached the point of no return. I drove into her with incredible force as Toni rocked and rubbed her hard clit into my abdomen with only one thing on her mind—to cum and cum and cum.

“Yes, Chuck I want to cum badly, but I’m also thinking about you filling me. I love the feeling of semen gushing into me.” We had talked about the possibility of Toni becoming “HER” several times. She had told me several times that she’d been on the pill ever since her periods began when she was twelve. “I had such terrible cramps and my period was so irregular that my doctor thought she’d be able to treat me more effectively if we knew when to expect it. Taking the pill changed my life. My doctor was shocked when the cramps virtually disappeared. They only recurred during one time when I was trying to get pregnant with my husband. Then I found that he was spreading his seed around with two other women. He gave me Chlamydia. I became sterile and divorced the bastard, but I still need the pill. I’d get fired in a minute if I missed work every time I got my period.”

Of course, I told her about my sexual history—or, rather, the lack thereof. I was a virgin when I first met Lizzie. I’d had plenty of opportunities, but I was religious and I believed in the sanctity of marriage, beliefs I still maintained. I’d be celibate for the rest of my life if not for my solemn promise to Lizzie just as I’d never fall in love with another woman. I couldn’t—not as long as Lizzie was alive. There was room in my heart for only one woman and she was it.

Lizzie had also been a virgin. We’d talked about sex while we were dating. Her blood on our wedding night confirmed her honesty. We were tyros—raw beginners—and we explored each other together. There were things we loved and things we didn’t. I never would have thought of cumming in Lizzie’s mouth, but she wanted to try it and—surprise!—she loved it. Truth was—there wasn’t much she didn’t love so long as it was with me.

I remembered one time we went dancing and some guy asked if he could cut in. I graciously stepped aside, allowing someone I erroneously thought was a gentleman to hold and touch my wife. Imagine my surprise—and his—when Lizzie kneed him in the balls. I still recall her exact words, “Only my husband touches me there…asshole!” as she stomped off the dance floor toward our table. She stopped me from giving him the beating he deserved, whispering to me that she’d already taken care of it. I never allowed anyone to dance with her again.

Now I was fucking another woman, but I was doing it not only with Lizzie’s permission, but at her insistence. I’d missed sex over the past few months and Lizzie knew it. Well…she knew it during those fleeting moments when she had her consciousness under her control. I still prayed nightly that she’d come back. If there was a God in Heaven, maybe there was a chance.

I returned my attentions to Toni. Her body revealed the state of her passion. She hadn’t cum yet, but the tremors running through her body combined with her rapid irregular breathing told me she was very close. Good thing, because I wasn’t far behind her. Moving my hand from her hip to her clit, I pinched and twisted, throwing her over the edge and down into the abyss of a mammoth orgasm. She was shaking from the convulsions when I filled her with my cream. We were still breathing heavily when she collapsed onto my chest.

“See,” she told me a few minutes later, “I knew I’d lie on top of you before, during and after.”

I chuckled before replying. “I do remember before and after, but during…no way!” Leaning down slightly I kissed her hair, something I had often done with Lizzie.

“You know, Chuck I think it would be a good idea to keep a small bag with some casual clothes in your car for times like this. I have a spare toothbrush and some razors and deodorant you can use. I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay over during the week, but Friday and Saturday nights…. C’mon, let’s get into the shower so we can go to your place for some clothes. I want to meet Lizzie. I think it’s time.”

We showered and I shaved using a razor Toni usually used for her legs while she did her face then we made the bed together and I dressed. We were out the door for the twenty minute drive to our—Lizzie’s and my—house. Toni sat in the living room wearing a simple teal top and tight black Capri’s. I dressed in a golf shirt and khakis. We were back on the road twenty minutes later.

I was glad the home was nearby. Every minute spent driving was one less I could spend with my wife. Our house was only ten minutes from the school where I worked and the Alzheimer’s home was half way between. I parked in the visitors’ lot just after 11:00 that splendid Saturday May morning. I signed us in and led Toni down the hall to Lizzie’s room.

She was seated again by the window, basking in the sun’s rays. Her face showed the peace she was experiencing; mine once again showed the stress I had felt over the past months. “Morning, Lizzie,” I called out.

“Oh, hello…do I know you?”

“Sure,” I replied, trying to sound upbeat. “Remember from yesterday afternoon?” I knew she wouldn’t, but I’d try every day to jog her memory. I’d asked Dr. Thompson months ago and he had seen no downside to it. I continued a few seconds later, “I’m Chuck, Lizzie…your husband. Do you remember what I told you about us yesterday afternoon?”

“Um…no, sorry.”

I walked over and kissed her cheek. “You don’t have to apologize, honey. I brought someone to visit you. This is Toni. She’s a good friend.”

“Oh…hello; have we met before?”

“No. Lizzie, we haven’t, but Chuck has told me all about you and I saw you on the DVD you made. You asked me for help and I’m giving it to you. I started last night and I’ll continue as long as necessary. I’ll do everything I can to help you…and Chuck, too. It’s a pleasure to meet you at last.” Toni held out her hand and Lizzie shook it, but—once again—it was clear she had no understanding of what she was doing.

I had received permission to take Lizzie outside when I visited yesterday afternoon. “C’mon, Lizzie—let’s go for a walk before lunch. Let me get your jacket for you. It’s a bit breezy outside.” Toni helped her up as I pulled the jacket up her arms. Holding her hand I led her outside to the nurses’ station to let them know where we were going and for how long.

There was a large lawn with several paths behind the home. We walked slowly down the hill toward the pond at the bottom, Toni with a bag of stale bread in her hand. We sat on a bench—Lizzie, me in the middle, and Toni. I opened the bag, handing a slice to Lizzie and then to Toni. Lizzie looked at me, questioning with her eyes, until I broke off a small piece and tossed it into the pond. The ducks flocked to us in an instant. It was the first time I’d heard Lizzie laugh in months. I would have cried had Toni not squeezed my arm and kissed my cheek. We spent more than an hour there laughing until it was time for lunch. I helped Lizzie up and, as I did, she said, “Thank you; I had a wonderful time.”

I couldn’t help myself. I hugged her and kissed her cheek. “Thank you, Lizzie—being with you today has been so special for me.”

“For me, too, Lizzie,” Toni added. “You two are so lucky to have each other.” We walked back up the gentle slope, my arm around Lizzie’s waist and holding Toni’s hand on the other side. Lunch was grilled cheese sandwiches and iced tea with gingerbread and whipped cream for dessert. I had to pay for Toni and me, but I didn’t mind. I treasured every second I spent with Lizzie. Toni and I left around five to my house where we decided to bring in a pizza.

We were ready for sex once we cleaned up. “Toni,” I began hesitantly, “please…I don’t want to offend you, but I can’t take you to our bed—Lizzie’s and mine. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

“I don’t want you to, Chuck. Some things are and should be sacred. Why don’t we go back to my place? Bring some clothes. Do you want to go to church tomorrow? You never did tell me what religion you are.”

“Lizzie and I are both Methodists. What are you?”

“Antonia Maria Di Nardi? Take a guess.”

“Catholic; how stupid of me not to realize. Would you like me to accompany you? I’ve been to Catholic Mass several times.”

“That would be wonderful. Thank you.” I grabbed a sports coat and shirt and slacks along with a golf shirt and shorts with my usual toiletries. Fifteen minutes later we were back in the car on the way to Toni’s place in a neighboring town.

She held the door for me twenty-five minutes later. We headed straight to the bedroom where Toni hung my good clothes in the closet before stripping me and leading me to the shower. We washed each other and kissed, but we both knew that no one but Lizzie would occupy my heart. Naked and still dripping slightly she led me to the bed.

“I had such a good time with you and Lizzie today, Chuck. Your love for her is so obvious. I feel like crying when I think of what you’re going through.”

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried over the past eighteen months. Before that I only cried at the occasional funeral.”

“Would you mind if we skipped sex tonight? I’d like to snuggle up against you, okay? I’ll take care of you tomorrow…either before or after Mass. Incidentally, I don’t think of this as a sin. A priest might disagree, but I think of it as an act of God. I never go to a bar after work, but something made me stop at Fred’s that night. I’d never been there before; it’s not even on my way home. I was three blocks off so I have no explanation other than God wanted me there. Does that sound strange, Chuck?”

“Strange? Yeah, it does, but this whole thing has been strange right from the beginning. Why Lizzie? She rarely drinks and never that much. She never smoked or did drugs. It was all I could do to get her to take aspirin or Tylenol. She lived a healthy lifestyle so…why? What on earth did she ever do to deserve this?”

“I don’t have any answers, Chuck. Why don’t we go to sleep so we’ll wake up early enough to enjoy each other?” She moved back so her butt was pressed against my cock then pulled my hand to her breast. I was more at peace than I’d been in a very long time. I prayed for Lizzie that night just as I had every other night since this nightmare had begun.

True to her word, Toni woke early then woke me up with a start by licking me to hardness then taking me completely into her mouth. It was several seconds before I realized where I was and what was happening to me. Once she knew I was fully awake Toni rose to straddle my body. I watched in amazement as she slid slowly down my pole. Up and down Toni moved, stretching her pussy and increasing her pleasure. As much as she seemed to enjoy it only moments later she began rocking, driving her clit into my abdomen. I thrust into her with every rock, lifting her slender body with mine and driving deeply into her tunnel.

We continued for what seemed to be seconds, but was really almost ten minutes before I felt the rumbling in my core and the tiny tremors in hers. It happened in an instant. We came together, something so rare even among experienced lovers. Toni collapsed onto my chest, sexual sweat pooling between our bodies. She lay there for almost ten minutes before lifting her head and smiling. Toni kissed me then and rose, pulling me again to the shower.

We were intentionally early for church so Toni could go to confession–something I had heard was waning in importance among Catholics. Several friends had told me that they never went yet received communion virtually every week. I slid down the pew when Toni returned, kneeled, and prayed what I assumed was her penance. I enjoyed the service, hugging Toni and shaking the hands of others nearby, even singing a few hymns, but sitting when others knelt. Methodists aren’t big on kneeling.

I took Toni out for brunch then I dropped her at home and went to spend the rest of the day with Lizzie. I would have brought her with me, but Toni had explained that she had some work that couldn’t wait. The last thing I had told her as we parted was that I expected David and Beth—our two children—to arrive home the following day. I told her I wasn’t sure what I’d say to them until she advised, “I find that honesty usually works best. Good luck, Chuck. Please call me after dinner.” She hugged and kissed me good-bye as I entered my car for the drive to the home.