latest obsession(: [#1]

The first time i watched porn, i was 11 years old. This isn’t another one of those turn on stories, this really happened and i have no one to tell it to, but i have to get it out! All names in this are changed of course. And for the sake of my secretsy, I’ll go by the name of Allana.

Ok so anyways, I was 11 years old and i was on my moms computer. my parents had divorced when i was 7, and i thought it was because my dad was abusive. My parents met in high school, sterotypical I know. except they met in the 10th grade at an alternative school called Chapparel. My mom was there for doing drugs and cutting class to much, and my dad was there for fighting to much. My mom was an outcast, my dad was a jock. Obviously those two shouldnt be together at all, but the more you knew them, the more you realize they were horrible for eachother. No one wanted them together, which i guess made it fun and was what intrested them in eachother. they both were rebels, and neither of their parents approved.

It was no suprise when my mom became pregnant at the age of 15, which is my current age. My mom had a total of 9 miscarriges, and 3 actual kids. Im the middle kid, and the most responcible. My sister has my dads attitude, but my moms bad habbits. My brother is only 12 and hasnt began to show any signs of personality yet, so theres not much i can say about him. as for me, im your average 15 year old, except my life is anything but ordinary.

Growing up in a broken home made me who i am. most kids cant honestly say that they’ve not only survived custody battles that dragged on for 7 years, (was just finished last summer), but also abuse, rape and cancer. When the divorce first started, we were sent to live with our mom since our dad abused me, and only me. I have a huge heart, which is my down fall. I am optomistic in a world of hate. and i smile when tears stream down my face.

I have what you would call ugly duckling syndrome. growing up i had really crooked teeth, and i wasnt fat, but i wasnt skinny either. my hair was always really short, and i myself, was realy short. my personality has always come of strong, thats just who I am. but in order to attract guys, i relied on my inner beauty. but then i moved to Colorado to live with my abusive dad (long story, big mistake). When i was 13, i grew quick. I grew 4 inchs taller, grew hips and boobs, and a butt that my friends called ghetto. my hair had grown out, i had gotten braces, and i had become very thin. So not only is my body great, but my personality is too. but no one really knows me. kids at school dont know anything about my life. Im popular in a social standing kind of way, but im alone inside.

Sorrry I keep getting distracted; so anyways, i was 11 years old surfing on my moms computer. I was on google images, trying to figure out what a mature womans body would look like. Come on, i was 11! haha. i had typed in “13 year old naked” expecting something to show up, all i got was images of people having sex. up untill i was 11, i always thought having sex was giving a blow job, boy did i have alot to learn.

I had foound many, many websites and watched alot of videos. i was 11 years old the first time i was horny. i was sitting on the chair sidways so that it would push against my vagina. the more i write in these diaries, the more you will learn about that incounter, and the more you will learn about how i have been scared. I’m not gunna say exactly what had happened, but my dads friends son who was staying with us, who was 13 at the time, had raped me after walking in and seeing the computer screen.

I have been raped 3 times by him. once at 11, 14, and 15. yes 15, as in he had raped me again a few months ago. but i have a very very good friend, and as stupd as this sounds, we have had sex once, and we are going to again in a few hours when he gets back from skiing. i like watching porn, but i hate fingering myself and having guys touch me because it only reminds me of being raped. but my good friend has taken all my fear and has helped me develope a new obsession; sex.

i will write another entry tomorrow if anyone wants to hear about what will go on later tonight(: and if i get alot of responces i will tell you more about me and i will tell my first time, and how much i love sex now!

GRR it says i have to have 5,000 words to submit, so here I’ll just tell you more about me. my boyfriends call me prude because I am not yet comfortable with alll that sex stuff, and after being raped, it has delayed all that. My first time having sex willingly was on december 21, 2008. i was IMing my good friend, who i will call Drew, on yahoo IM. he was saying how much he misses his girlfriend, who lives 300 miles away. he was saying he had something to tell me but he didnt want me to think any less of him, what he had to tell me was he was horny. Drew is the only person i have slept with after being raped. and i will tell more about that event in my next entry(:

comment if you wanna hear more about me(:
i will answer ALL questions you ask(: