My first entry
Introduction:
I figure it’s about time to keep track of this stuff…
I suppose you should know a little about me. Well, this journal is intended to be stories about my past. I’m 28 years old now. I’m gay. I like a dominant man, and I figured that out when I was 18. I’m still horny as all hell…just like I was as a kid. I didn’t know what I liked or didn’t. At the time, I didn’t know I was gay. But, even then, the word penis turned me on. I always wanted to see another guy’s penis.
I didn’t have that opportunity until I was 18. I had decided not to go to college, but to get a job instead. So I had moved into the city with a reasonable job that covered the bills. Of course, the economy slid, and so did my job. I was left with no choice but to leave my apartment and find someone to room with. The landlord of my old apartment let me stay an extra month for free so I could land on my feet.
That last month was nothing but a disaster. Sexually speaking. I was trying to find situations where I could shack up with a guy and do things for him in exchange for a bed. I had met with several men, all who had rejected me. In the case with the first two, we had met in public places, realized it wouldn’t work, and went our separate ways. The third guy had me come to his house in the outskirts. He had ordered me to take off my clothes and show my penis to him.
I did that, but it was rather awkward. He came over to me, studying my penis. He slapped my scrotum, and the pain made me collapse on the floor. Suddenly, another guy was there, picking me up and carrying me out of the house. He threw me on the front step (I still have a little scar from hitting the concrete landing), naked, and then tossed my clothes on me and told me to never come back.
At that point, I had a week to find a place to live. I fell into a depression at that point. But the one thing that was haunting me was that last guy smacking my balls. It had turned me on. I started watching all kinds of gay s&m movies on line. I wasted my time jerking off, rather than finding a room, let alone a new job. I have to admit though, my cock was so stiff that week. I’m surprised I didn’t rub it raw.
It pointed the way though and led me right to my first true sexual experience. I replied to an offer on Craigslist for a live-in servant. We had a few emails back and forth, but he was very insistent on me meeting him. He told me that as his live-in servant, I would do what he wanted me to do at any time of the day, whether that was sexual in nature or not.
My penis told me to go for it. I wanted to be someone’s sub. It didn’t even matter to me that it meant a roof and shelter, either. I wanted a man to control me, order me around, punish me. In his last email before I met him, he sent me simple instructions on what to wear and how to act. He said:
“Several things. 1) Wear a button down shirt, shorts, no underwear, and flip flops. 2) When you come over, approach the door with your head down, hands behind your back. 3) Do not masturbate unless I tell you to.”
Two days later, I came to his apartment in the city, exactly as he said. He opened the door, telling me to close my eyes. He immediately put a blindfold on me. He pulled me further into his apartment. He told me that the clothes that I was wearing were the only clothes I was allowed to have. He told me that I would normally be naked when doing anything for him, and only on special occasion would I wear any clothing beyond the collar I would have to wear at all times.
He unbuttoned my shirt and pants, and revealed my naked body. Actually, from that moment until I left, it was his naked body. He reached down and squeezed by penis and scrotum and he said one thing…that they were his, and his alone, and only he could allow me the opportunity to cum, by my hand, his hand, or any other means he saw fit.
I mumbled a yes, sir, but he smacked my scrotum a little. I responded a bit louder, which had made him happier.
This is a man who I grew to eventually loathe and hate. The things that he proceeded to do to me from that day on were some horrible things. But, I never said I didn’t want that to happen. It’s funny how I ended up resenting him, though. In hindsight, he gave me exactly what my penis wanted – a long term, harsh beating.
My mind is really what grew to resent him. I guess because for that time in my life, my mind didn’t control it’s decisions – my mind let my penis and my sex drive do that. And reality is, I don’t resent him as much as I do myself. For letting that happen. It was a horribly degrading experience. But, there’s a part of me that loves it.
And let’s be honest, as I’m writing this journal entry, my penis is erect. Things that happened in that time period do turn me on…it betrays my mind, but the feeling is just so good. In that time period, I did what grew me in unique ways.
And I’ll write about some of that next time.
