Such is Life 7
Introduction:
Continuation
So as I attended the academy and worked, I found time, and a real Hawaiian tattoo artist. My grandma was a direct descendant of Hawaiian royalty, out of respect to the Kapuna, (kah-poo-nah, elders) I will not use their names here. I had one full sleeve on one arm, and a half sleeve and a band on the other. My sleeves flowed right into my chest, back and shoulder tattoos. My back tattoo went from my shoulder blades and flowed into a v all the way down to my ass crack where the point of the v was. My entire upper body looked like I just had one gigantic tattoo, with two small ones on one arm, and one on my stomach area. I had one tattoo that completely covered my leg from just above my knee to my ankle on one side and the other had triangles and a band. The triangles went from my armpit all the way down to my ankle on my left side. I also had a lot of shark teeth in my tattoos to honor the families amaukua. It told the story of my grandmas entire family from many generations before her time, to the time I lost Janine. Yes, she was included in it. The large band on my left arm was all about her, her heritage, her life, and the love we shared for each other. I had all of the tattoos done the old traditional way.
I graduated the academy at the top of my class and I had departments everywhere that wanted me to work of them. As a result, I had a long list of places to choose from. My buddy that worked for a department in the city I grew up in, was now engaged and had started his new job for a sheriffs department a little over 100 miles away, I didn’t know where. As I looked through the list of choices I had a very difficult time deciding where I was going to go. There was this one sheriffs office that seemed to beckon me. Like I was being told that, that was where I needed to be. As several days passed, that feeling grew stronger and stronger. I started smelling Janines perfume every time I thought about that particular agency. So I finally applied.
I was absolutely amazed at how fast things moved after that. Mom and her partner moved down with me and purchased a house in the pretty decent sized city. I went through the testing and passed with flying colors. I was called in and hired. Here is the best part. My buddy worked for them! He was amazed to see me walk in for my first night of training.
“What the fuck!! Holy shit you did it!!” He said as he walked up to me and gave me a manly hug.
“What did you not think I would?” I asked.
“I hate to say it, but after Janine died I really didn’t think you would.” He said.
“Surprise asshole.” I said as we both laughed.
“You look awesome! It’s nice to actually see you in a uniform.” He said as everyone watched us and listened.
“Yeah I know. I’m one of you now.” I said.
“You have always been one of us.” He said.
He then told them the story of what happened. How a kid had the best of him and all he remembered was seeing the suspect flying away from him and heard a loud thud. He then showed them the video from his body cam and it showed everything. He also told him how we had been friends ever since. Before my training began, they had to special order my uniforms, my vest and my duty belt. The uniforms were cool as hell! They were all black and just looked sweet. Luckily I only had four percent body fat so it wasn’t to hard, sort of.
As I stood in the briefing room I watched the captain walk in with a few deputies. The first thing they did was start pairing us with our field training officers. I was the third one to be paired. My FTO was this tiny female.
“Deputy Jensen, you’re with deputy Burbank.” The captain said.
“Yyyyyyyyyyyes!!” Deputy Burbank said as turned to the other deputies and lunged at them. “What now? What are you going to do, huh?”
“As tiny as you are, you need to be with him.” Another said.
“Whatever.” She said as she walked up to me and shook my hand.
“Just so you know, we’ve all been arguing over who got to train you.” She said as we all laughed.
“Well, it looks like she won.” I said as I pointed at her.”
“Shut up rookie.” One said with a sarcastic look in his face.
“Don’t be mad, it’s going to be ok.” She said.
“I already like the guy.” Another said.
She and I hit it off from the very second we were introduced. The other rookies were timid and nervous and it showed. I was nervous as hell until all of that happened. All of the candidates and deputies were amazed at how big I was. My FTO, and I immediately started joking around about my size. After our briefing we walked out to the crown Vic and I just stood there looking at it.
“You uuhhhh, you know you’re going to have to cut a whole in that roof right?” I asked.
“Oh shit. I’m not sure you’re going to fit in the damn thing.” She said as we both laughed our asses off.
She was right. It was a very uncomfortable, painful first shift ever, especially since the car had a damn transport cage in it! My knees and back hurt after that. My FTO and I laughed about it the entire shift. She loved the looks on the faces of some of the assholes we arrested that night after they got a good look at me. They got really cooperative, really quick. During our patrol we entered the city that I knew. I didn’t know it as in all the streets and stuff, but I knew where I was. I didn’t realize that it was the same town that Janine and her family lived, until I saw the sign that welcomed us to the city. My FTO saw the look on my face and knew that I had something on my mind.
“So what’s with you? All of a sudden you got quiet.” She asked.
“My girlfriend lived here.” I said.
“What’s her name?” She asked.
“Janine.” I replied.
“Where is she now?” She asked.
“She is buried in that cemetery right there.” I said as we drove by the cemetery.
“Oh god. I’m so sorry.” She said.
“It’s ok. She is in a better place.” I said.
“What happened, if you don’t mind my asking.” She asked.
“She had very aggressive brain cancer.” I said.
“I am so sorry. How long were you two together?” She asked.
“Almost two years.” I replied.
“How long has she been gone.” She asked.
“It will be three years in March.” I said.
“You still miss her don’t you?” She asked.
“Well, it’s not as bad as it use to be, but yeah, I still have my moments, you know, kinda like now.” I said.
“You loved her didn’t you?” She asked.
“Yes I did. I wanted to marry her.” I said.
“You still love her don’t you?” She asked.
“I probably always will. She was my first.” I said.
“First love?” She asked.
“Yep, my first love.” I said.
“Well, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for your loss.” She said.
“Thank you.” I said.
“So is that why you decided to be a cop?” She asked.
“She and my mom were the reasons I wanted to do this. Janine was the one who really made my mind up actually.” I said.
“That’s really cool. So what happened that made you want to do this?” She asked.
“Do you remember, or even hear about the guy that almost killed his wife and then shot two cops.” I asked.
“Yeah and he was shot and killed in the process. One of the cops that were killed was my cousin.” She said.
“Oh my god. I am so sorry. That guy was my dad. I was the one who found my mom.” I said.
“No shit?!” She asked.
“Nope. I’m really sorry about that.” I said.
“Don’t be, it wasn’t your fault. I just think that it’s incredibly cool that his son didn’t turn out like him. More so since he is a cop now! That’s fucking awesome!” She said as she punched me in my arm.
“Yep. Dad was a piece of shit, and I know I shouldn’t say this, but I’m glad he got killed, at least I knew that my mom was safe.” I said.
“So when did you realize that you wanted to be a cop, was it after your mom almost got killed, or was it after your girlfriend got sick?”‘She asked.
“It was after my girlfriend was beaten so bad that she ended up in the hospital. She and I were good friends then and it didn’t work out well for him. He was arrested and released on bail. Then he went to the school with a gun and planned on killing her in front of everyone. He wasn’t expecting me to be there. Let’s just say that he was in the hospital for quite a while. I have zero patients or tolerance for men that beat women.” I replied.
“Well, I’ve only been with you for a day and everything, but I’m going to tell you straight out. You are going to be a really good cop. I have never said that about anyone before. You have this thing about you that I can’t figure out. All I know is that I am going to do everything I can to get you off of probation and on your own. You’re going to do really great.” She said.
“Well, thank you.” I said.
That night I handled my very first domestic disturbance and many other calls after. She just sat back and observed. I got a lot of constructive criticism, and used them as learning tools. The part I hated was the damn paper work involved. My second night there, they put my trainee and I in a different patrol unit hoping that I could fit in it better. It wasn’t bad. A few weeks later, I was doing all of the driving and most of the work. During my training I studied the policies and everything else I needed to be able to be out on my own. I went from FTO to FTO to learn all of the zones. After a long than usual training period, they finally told me that I had passed my training period. Apparently I did far better than any other rookie they have had there in years. That made me feel really good.
I was issued my other stuff and a patrol unit. What I didn’t know, was that our patrol units were take home vehicles. I was lucky because I got a brand new GMC Sierra with a crew cab. They put a shell on it, it had a custom made diamond plate heavy duty bumper on the front. It looked really bad ass! I would have gotten one of the old crown vics, but I didn’t fit in those. They had to do it basically. They had to have the seats modified for me and everything. Basically, my FTO wouldn’t be able to drive it without some books to sit on. It was the first and only 4 by 4 that was pursuit rated the the department had. It was pretty bad ass actually. Now my only issue was getting my personal truck home. It worked out because mom helped me get it home. She got to ride in my patrol unit and everything.
Time went on and I was finally off probation. I was a full fledged deputy and Janines town that I held her in as she died, was in my zone. I decided to surprise her mom one night, but I wanted to go visit Janines grave first, it just so happened that I was on duty. I went and got a bunch of her favorite flowers and went to the cemetery. It would have been her 30th birthday. As I kneeled at her grave and placed her flowers there, I heard a car pull up. I didn’t look up, I was too busy looking like a crazy man as I talked to Janine. I stood up and promised that I would be careful and turned around. There was her mom. She froze and pointed at me.
“Adam?!” She asked as I smiled at her.
“Hi mom, surprise.” I said as she looked at me.
“Holy ssshhhhit! When did you start doing this?” She asked as she walked up to me.
“Oh about six months now.” I said.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me you brat!” She said as we hugged.
“I’ve been busy trying to get off of probation.” I said.
“Why were you on probation?” She asked.
“Because I’m a rookie. I just started a little over six months now.” I said.
“Wow, you look really good! You know she would have loved to see you in that uniform.” She said.
“I know.” I said.
“So are you here for good?” She asked.
“Yeah for a while anyway.” I said.
“Good, now we can see you more.” She said.
“Yep! How are you all doing?” I asked.
“Oh as good as we can be I guess.” She said.
We stood there and talked for several minutes before I caught a call. I had to take off in a hurry to a robbery in progress.
I lived with my mom for a while and figured that since I was 21 and had a good job and everything, it was time to get my own place. I found a really nice town house in a very nice Appartment complex. I purchased the place and moved in. It was a three bedroom, two of which had their own really nice bathrooms, so it had three full baths, and one “powder room.” The basement even had a full bath in it too. My favorite part of it was that it had two very large wood burning fire places. One in the bacement, and one on the main floor. It had a fully finished basement and it was extremely nice! It was a foreclosure so I got an amazing deal on it! I paid 60,000 for it and it was worth a HELL of a lot more! Let’s just say that there would be no way I could have afforded it any other way, unless I was rich. One thing I learned from an early age was that I needed to stay out of debt. The only debt I had now was my town house.
I had saved money from the time I turned 13 and now I was going to use some of it. My mom helped me buy stuff for my house and she and Janines mom helped me decorate it. The way we got it set up, you’d think that I was a millionaire. But everything was purchased at thrift stores and stuff, just not the living room and dining sets. I was excited and felt like I was accomplishing something in my life! I was excited as hell. We had a little party there and everything. A bunch of my fellow deputies came over and joined us, two of which were on duty. My new neighbors were cool as hell, and quite a few of them came over too. They loved seeing my patrol unit sitting in my driveway. As the next few weeks passed I got settled and comfortable.
Then the end of summer was getting close and they were getting ready to close the pools. I didn’t have a chance to really enjoy it yet mainly because I was training for the swat team at the request of my superiors. But I finally had a few days off before I was to go do my fire arms qualification for the swat team. So I decided it was now or never. But it wasn’t just that. I woke up and smelled Janines perfume and knew that she was trying to tell me something. I had this overwhelming feeling of urgency, as in it was urgent that I go to the pool. I didn’t know why. You know when you have this strong feeling that you have to do something, and it just nags you till you do it? Yeah, it was like that.
Just as I got my swim trunks and t shirt on, I grabbed my towel when all of a sudden I had this feeling that I should wait a little. I got confused, why the urgency if I had to wait. I started to shake my head because I thought I was going crazy. After almost an hour of sitting and watching tv, I started to doze off. I woke up when I could have sworn I heard someone say now. I shook it off thinking that I was going crazy. I grabbed my stuff and headed to the pool. I just hopped into my personal truck and headed for the nearest pool, but I then I could almost hear, “not that one.” Oooookk, I thought as I bypassed it and went to the main pool.
“Fuck I’m loosing it.” I said to myself as I got out of my truck.
I walked into the pool and realized that there was a pretty decent sized crowd there. There seemed to be a little party going on right inside the gate. As I walked in, I noticed a lot of people staring at me. I had been working out for about four hours every day so I knew it wasn’t because I was fat. I had an 8 pack and a “really hot” body. I was ripped like crazy and had built a bunch of muscle over the years. Then it clicked, they haven’t seen a man that was 7 foot 4 inches tall before. I found a quiet little corner of the pool area, now I had to get there as everyone stared at me. I even heard quite a few people say “good god he is tall!” Or “he is fucking huge!” All I did was smile to myself and question why the hell I had to come to this damn pool. I was about to find out why.
As I walked I saw a group of young girls, probably anywhere from 17 to 19 years old, I have no idea how old they were, but they were walking towards me. They all stared at me, but there was one girl that seemed to be either mesmerized by me, or she might have recognized me. She had her long red hair pulled up in a high pony tail. She looked like she was only anywhere form 14 to 16. She looked really young, however there was one thing that I saw about her that made me realize that she had to be 18 at the very least. She was covered in tattoos. She was really really sexy.
“Oh whoa!” One said.
“Heeeelllooo.” One other girl said.
“Who is that?!” Another said.
“He is huge!” Yet another said.
“Oh my god!” Yes, another girl said.
“Who the fuck is that?!” Again, another girl said.
They were all saying it at the exact same time, except one. That girl just stared, she seemed mesmerized and didn’t say a word. She just stared at me for a few seconds. Then it clicked, I know her. How the hell do I know her. She looked very, very familiar. I walked past them and said hi to them. This girl was extremely, extremely gorgeous. She looked like she had been through hell, but oh my good god! She was about 5’2, she had long very straight red with dark brown hair, big hazel eyes, and these very kissable juicy gloss covered lips. Her body was really amazing. She had pale white skin with freckles all over her body and face. She had a small little bikini on, really, really small. She had small tits, they had to be an a cup.
She had ear rings all the way up the curve of her ears. She had a little tiny diamond stud in her nose and her belly pierced. She had one full sleeve tattoo on one arm, and half sleeve on her other arm. She had a tattoo that went down her entire left side, on both of her legs, which were almost completely covered. She had them on her back and on her belly. She didn’t have any on her chest or her neck area. She looked very familiar. Her face caught my attention really fast and I knew that I knew her. She had an extremely cute face, oh my god! She had to be the cutest, most beautiful red head I had ever seen in my life! There was just that one thing, I knew her, I know I did. She was extremely hot, and gorgeous, but I knew she looked very, very familiar. I just couldn’t quite put my finger on how it was that I knew her.
We made eye contact and we smiled at each other. I turned and walked to the corner that I had my eye on and put my stuff on the chair. I turned around as I slid my t shirt off and tossed it on the chair. That whole time I was trying really hard to remember where the hell I knew that girl from. It started to bug the hell out of me that I couldn’t figure why she looked so damned familiar or where the fuck I knew her from.
“Oh, oh my god!” I heard several of them say as I pulled my shirt off.
“Oh yummy.” Another said.
I was so looking forward to jumping into the pool and just relaxing. When I looked up I saw a bunch of eyes on making me feel very awkward. I looked up to see if I could see the girl that I just saw, and she was standing there watching me.
“Come on, let’s go.” One girl said.
“I know him.” The sexy red head said as she looked back at them and pointed at me.
She had thee softest, sweetest voice I have ever heard, one that sounded very familiar.
“No you don’t, you only wish you did, we all wish we did, now come on.” One of her friends said.
“Hold on.” She said.
I watched her turn towards me and start walking to me. Her friends just stood there watching her. She walked right up to me and stood less than a foot away.
“Hey um, I’m really sorry about this… sorry, I’m little drunk and nervous, but, you look very familiar. Is there any chance that your name is Adam?” She asked looking like she was going to embarrass herself.
“Yes my name is Adam.” I said.
“Did you have a girlfriend named Janine? She died from cancer and she had a really young, really hot boyfriend that looks just like you. She was 26 and he was only 18 when she died.” She inquired as all of her friends approached us.
A couple of them gave me a look like they didn’t like me already. As though I was invading their space.
“Yes, I do know a Janine, and yes she was my girlfriend.” I said as I looked at her.
“Do you remember me?” She asked as she started smiling.
Just then I got the chills. The hair on my neck stood up as I realized who it was. Holy sssshhhhit! She grew up big time!! When I saw her last she still looked like she was eleven or twelve, even though she was 15! Oh my god! All of that ran through my head all at once.
“Courtney?” I asked as my eyes got big.
“Hi, oh my god! She said as she lifted her arms to hug me and wrapped her arms around me.
“Wow, good god, I almost didn’t recognize you! You look amazing! I don’t remember you having tattoos.” I said as we hugged.
“I knew it! I almost didn’t recognize you either! You look really good!” She said as we continued to hug. “And I was only 15 when I saw you last. I like your tattoos a lot too!”
“Oh my god! How the hell are you doing girl?!” I asked.
“I’m ok, how are you?” She asked as she let go and backed off.
“I can’t complain I guess.” I said.
“Wait, so how do you two know each other?” One of her friends asked almost defiantly.
“Her sister was my girlfriend.” I said.
“Oh, well I don’t believe you, I just think you’re trying to get into her pants.” The friend said.
“Shut up Allie, it’s true, she died in his arms.” Courtney said.
“I’m so sorry about that.” She said.
“It’s ok, I already don’t like her anyway.” I said.
“Really? You don’t even know me.” Allie said defiantly.
“Shut up Allie.” Courtney said.
“Yeah well, you don’t even know me, yet you have already assumed that I was trying to get in her pants, so I guess we will just call it even.” I said at the same time.
“Whatever.” Allie said as she turned and walked away.
“You don’t hold back do you.” Courtney asked as she smiled.
“Nope, I don’t. Your sister brought that out in me.” I said.
“She was always like that.” She said.
“Yeah she was. That’s one of the many things I loved about her.” I said.
“So what brings you here?” She asked asked.
“I got a job here.” I replied.
“Really? Where do you work?” She asked.
“I work for the sheriffs department.” I said.
“So what, you’re a cop?” She asked.
“Is that bad?” I asked.
“No, no it’s not. That’s actually really cool, I actually know one now.” She said.
“Yeah I like it.” I said as I sat on my chair. She followed me and sat on the chair across from me.
“So do you remember that book that you gave me at my sisters funeral?” She asked.
“It was a little pink one wasn’t it?” I asked.
“Yeah that one. She said a lot of really, really nice things about you in that book. In fact that entire thing she wrote for me was all about you.” She said.
“Really?” I asked.
“She really loved you, you know that right?” She asked.
“Yes I do.” I said.
“Do you still miss her?” She asked.
“Not as bad as I did before. I still think about her a lot. In fact I was on patrol last month and I stopped to visit her grave. She would have turned 30 that day.” I said.
“I still miss her too.” She replied.
“How have you been doing with all of that?” I asked.
“Honestly, not very good. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s been several years and that I should just get over it, but it’s hard. I just don’t want to talk about it right now, too many people.” She said.
“That’s perfectly fine. I didn’t do well for the longest time for two reasons. One, I really loved her. I wanted to marry your sister and start a family. But mostly because she died in my arms. That still gets to me.” I said.
“So you still struggle with it too?” She asked.
“Yeah. I do, but not as bad as I use to. I haven’t had a girlfriend ever since.” I said.
“Wow. Have you at least have sex with someone?” She asked.
“Wow, you’re just like your sister, you don’t hold back either.” I said as I laughed.
“Is that bad?” She asked.
“Hell no! I love it! And no I haven’t had sex since I lost her.” I said.
“If I was in love like you two were, and I lost the love of my life, I don’t think I would for a very long time either.” She said.
“Do you live here now or are you just here with one of your friends?” She asked.
“I live here now.” I said.
“Really so do I!” She said.
“Where at?” I asked.
“Over there in the apartments. What about you?” She asked.
“I bought one of the town homes over on the other side.” I said.
“Ooooo, money bags.” She said teasingly.
“No I just got a really good deal.” I said.
“Hey Courtney, we gotta go!” I heard one of her friends shout.
“Ok I’ll be right there!” She yelled.
“So um, can I, is it ok if I get your number?” She asked.
“Perfectly.” I said.
“Ok, I’ll be right back I’m going to go get my phone.” She said.
She got up and all but ran to the other side of the pool and dug through her purse. She walked back over as she looked down at her phone, it looked like she was doing so something on it. She came back and sat back on the chair in front of me. She smiled and handed me her phone. I took it from her and entered my phone number for her. I handed her the phone all the while, she was flashing her beautiful smile at me.
“Is this really your phone number?” She asked.
“Call it.” I said as I smiled.
She smiled at me again as she called my phone. She heard my towel ringing and hung up.
“Great, I’ll call you some time soon, we really need to get together sometime.” She said.
“I would like that.” I said.
“Good. I’ll see you soon then.” She said.
“You promise you’ll call me?” I asked.
“I promise, I’ll call you don’t worry.” She said.
“Ok, I’ve heard that before and it never happened. So I’m going to hold you to it.” I said.
“Well now you have my number, so if you feel like I’m taking too long, feel free to call me, trust me, I won’t mind at all.” She said.
“Deal.” I said.
“You look really good by the way.” She said.
“Thanks. So do you.” I said.
“Ok, I gotta go now.” She said.
“Ok, stay safe.” I said.
“I will.” She replied as she turned and walked away.
I watched her for a minute and saw one particular dude mean mugging me as he watched me. I didn’t care at all, I wasn’t worried about what his problem might have been. As I climbed into the pool again, I started thinking about her. Was she just flirting with me? I didn’t really know, but as gorgeous as she was I was kind of hoping she was. Then it hit me, this was the first time since Janine that I was actually hoping for something like that. As I swam around I couldn’t get her out of my head. Good god she was beautiful. She was just as beautiful as her sister was.
She was right, I didn’t have to wait too long to hear from her. She and I talked for hours that night. She reminded me a lot of Janine. The way she talked, her sarcasm and her pessimism all screamed Janine. Her pessimism was just like Janines before she and I hooked up when I was 16. My heart started to ache for her. She told me that she felt like she knew me really well because of everything that her sister said about me. She felt very comfortable telling me things that her best friend didn’t even know. She was struggling with her sisters death far more than I anticipated. It was bad. God I wish there was a way that I could help her. Two nights passed and we spent a lot of time on the phone together. But on my last night off she called me up sobbing.
“Hello?” I asked at the silence.
All I heard was her sobbing.
“Courtney are you ok?” I asked.
“No. No I’m not. Can I come over?” She asked as she sobbed.
“Yes please do.” I said.
“Which one is your place.” She asked.
“The one with the sheriff patrol unit in the driveway. Do you want me to come and get you?” I asked.
“No, I just want to walk over.” She said.
“It’s raining its ass of hun, are you sure you don’t want me to come and get you?” I asked.
“Yeah I’m sure.” She said.
I sat and anxiously waited for her. I stepped out on my porch and waited for her, hoping against hope that nothing would happen to her as she walked over. I started to really worry about her because it was taking so long. Soon I finally saw her walking down the street. After another minute or so, she walked up to me reeking of alcohol. She tucked her arms against her chest and pressed her body against mine and rested her head against my body. I just wrapped my big long arms around her and held her tightly as she sobbed for several long minutes.
“I miss her.” She said as she sobbed.
“So do I. Come on, let’s get you inside and get you dried off.” I said.
“K. She was right. You do give amazing hugs.” She said as we walked into my house.
She was slightly hammered, and sadly, I knew why. She didn’t even have to tell me that she missed her sister, because I have been to the point that I almost started doing what she does. I just hurt for her, I genuinely felt sorry for her. I took her into the bathroom of one of the bedrooms, but not mine. I gave her a towel and one of my t shirts. I told her to dry off and get dressed and let me know when she was done. I walked out and stood by the door and waited. After a little while, she let me know that she was ready. I took her to the living room and had her sit on the couch and went to make some coffee for her. She let me know how she liked it, so I made it that way for her, and I brought it to her. She tucked her knees tightly against her chest, resting her feet on the couch and wrapped her arms around her knees, holding her coffee with both hands.
“Is there anything I can do to help you?” I asked.
“I don’t know, I’m not sure I can be helped.” She said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Before Janine left to go teach, she and I were very close. I use to call her all the time and talk to her after she left. She always knew what to say to make me feel better about everything. Now that she is gone I have no one. I feel very alone.” She said.
“I know the feeling very well. I felt very alone and empty for the longest time. She did the same thing for me after she and I started to date.” I said.
She then started to talk about her sisters death and how much it had been affecting her. It was like she had been holding all of this in for all of these years. All her sadness just poured out of her as she kept talking. I just sat there and listened to everything she said. I didn’t say a word. I just sat there and looked in her eyes and soaked every word that she spoke in. I know this sounds crazy and stupid, but I could almost feel her despair flowing from her as she vented everything out that she seemed to have been holding in for the last two and a half years.
It was very sad to me to know that she didn’t have anyone that she could talk to. It was sad to me that she had been in so much pain for so damn long. I didn’t give her any advice, I didn’t even think about what I could say to her. Even when she started to bash men I just sat there and let her go. I didn’t even feel any ounce of animosity towards her as she did. All I wanted, was for her to let everything out, I wanted her to feel some sense relief, no matter how little, I just wanted her to feel better.
This went on for hours. As she talked she started to sober up. The more she sobered up, the more clearer she thought. She then started to really pour her heart out to me and sobbed as she did. During all of this, I was sitting next to her on the couch, and she looked over at me a few times. She didn’t even realize that I had turned my tv off so I could focus on her. I gave her ever single bit of my attention, I had to. She needed me to. She went on and on about everything she had been through since her sister died. She started drinking right after Janine died and had been in several abusive relationships with both men and women, her friend Allie being one of them. She dropped them like bad habits mainly because of what her sister wrote in that little pink book.
She still didn’t believe that she deserved better, so as a result she had been single for the last six months. All of the abuse she had gone through just compounded on her sadness like crazy. After four hours or more, of her just venting, she got quiet. She took a really deep breath and exhaled slowly, almost like a really long and big sigh, and then I watched her shoulders dropped. You know how people say that it feels like they feel like the weight of the world just lifted off of their shoulders? I think I had just physically witnessed that first hand. It was a very beautiful thing to see. After almost five minutes of silence, she looked over at me and into my eyes.
“Can I ask you something?” I asked.
“Yeah you can.” She said as she looked over at me.
“When was the last time you talked about any of this?” I asked.
“I never have. This is the first time I have ever talked about any of this.” She said.
“Oh my god girl. I am so sorry you had to carry all of that for so long.” I said.
“Is it ok if I hugged you?” I asked.
“Yes it is.” She said as she leaned to her side and onto me.
As I held her she continued crying. I just let her go, like I said, I wanted her to feel some kind of relief, no matter how little it was. She turned her arm over and held onto my arm and we just sat there like that for quite a while. She cried while I held her the entire time. She was crying so hard that her tears dripped on my arms. The poor girl shook as she sobbed.
“Why haven’t you talked to anyone?” I asked.
“Because, every time I tried I would get yelled at and told that I needed to get over it. Mom and dad were already grieving so I didn’t want to bother them with it. My brothers didn’t want to even talk about it. None of my friends even care. That’s why I feel so alone.” She said.
“Jesus. You have me now.” I said.
“I know.” She said as she cried.
“How did you get through it?” She asked.
“Shit I don’t even know. I like to think that Janine helped me through it.” I said.
“Really? Cause sometimes I feel like she is around me. It feels like she is with me.” She said.
“She more than likely is Courtney.” I said.
“So when I don’t feel her around me, she must be around you.” She said.
“Yeah, I think so too. But right now you need her more than I do, and I think she knows it.” I said as she sat up, turned and faced me.
“Can I ask you something now?” She asked.
“You can ask me anything.” I replied.
“Ok, I already know about how she told you, and how she thought she was pregnant with your baby. She told me about all of that in the book. What was it like for you after she died in your arms?” She asked.
“Oh god. I thought my world was crashing down around me after she told me she had the cancer. Nope, not the case. I was holding her when she took her last breath and during that time I felt at peace. I was so numb through her funeral and everything. But after I got home. I don’t know. I can’t describe it. I had never experienced anything like that in my life, not even when my mom was in the hospital. That took the whole “world crashing down around me” to a whole new level. I really don’t really know how to explain it.” I said.
“So how did you deal with it?” She asked.
“I didn’t for quite a while. I slept all the time. I spent an entire week in her Appartment taking her hydro codones and drinking her alcohol just to try to take the edge off. It worked, but once it all wore off, I was back in the dumps.” I said.
“Kind of what I do now. So how did you finally get out of it?” She asked.
“I’m going to sound like a crazy man here, so keep that in mind.” I said.
“That’s ok.” She said.
“After a while of severe depression I was ready to end it all. I wanted to die so I could be with her. That’s all I wanted, that’s it nothing else. Your sister had an entire bottle of muscle relaxers left. I planned on taking all of them after I drank 2 fifths of vodka, and the two cases of beer that I found in the garage. But I was so drunk that I passed out. I woke up with a massive hangover and took a bunch of aspirin and went to bed again. I slept all day, and all night. I woke up and took a piss and went back to bed. As I slept I had a very lucid dream, a very very lucid dream. She was in that dream. She actually talked to me. She said some things to me that basically snapped me out of it I guess.” I said.
“What did she say?” She asked.
I sat and told her everything that Janine said to me in my dream. As I did we both started to cry like crazy. It was as though she needed to hear those words too. Like I said, I hold those words very sacred so I will not share them here.
“After that I was faced with a decision. I could do one of two things, I could let it ruin my life, and let it kill me, or I could take this experience and use it to help others. The more I thought about it the more I realized that Janine would want me to take the second route, which was to use this to help others. But I needed to heal first, and the only way I could do that was get off of my ass and live. Not only would she want me to live, she would want me to succeed. But the thing was, after that dream I had about her, and her saying what she did, I wanted to. I had to.” I said.
“Why didn’t she come to see me?” She asked.
“I’m not sure. The best explanation I can come up with is that maybe she thought you were stronger than I was. I almost killed myself just to be with her.” I replied.
“You really really loved her a lot didn’t you?” She asked.
“Yeah I did.” I said.
“So how are you doing now? Are you like, still struggling with it or have you come to terms with it?” She asked.
“After well over a year, I finally came to terms with it. I personally watched her suffer. I knew she was in pain, I was there with her. I was holding her and sleeping with her. After seeing all that, I now know that she is in a better place. She isn’t sick, and she isn’t in pain. In my dream she was glowing, and she was really happy and at peace.” I said.
“Thank you.” She said.
“I didn’t do much.” I said.
“You did more than you will ever know. And thank you for sharing that with me.” She said.
“Look, I am going to sound all cliche and everything and I really don’t mean to, but you need to know that you are not alone Courtney. I am here now, I have been where you are now, I know what it’s like.” I said.
“I know. My brothers keep yelling at me and saying “do you honestly think that you’re the only one that lost her” and then they would keep yelling at me, saying that I was just being selfish.” She said.
“They are grieving too. I’ve come to terms with her death so it’s a lot easier for me to sympathize with you. If I hadn’t come to terms with it, I probably wouldn’t be. Hell I wouldn’t be here right now, I would be dead.” I said.
“I’m really glad you did, because now I have someone I can talk to.” She said.
“Yes you do. Just promise me that if you need to talk about it you come and talk to me.” I said.
“I think she wanted us to meet again.” She said.
“I’m almost positive that she did.” I said.
“Thank you so much for listening to me.” She said as she hugged me again.
“You are very welcome” I replied as I wrapped her in my arms and held her.
“She also said that you are a really really good listener. In fact I don’t think she even said one negative thing about you.” She said.
“How much did she tell you?” I asked as we let go of each other.
“She told me a lot. That book has been the only thing that has kept me from even thinking about suicide. I read that little book all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I have read it. She said.
“So how are you feeling now.” I asked.
“You know, I feel very relieved. I haven’t felt, I don’t know, I can’t even describe it. I just know that I haven’t felt like this since I was 15. Now I’m just tired.” She said.
“I’m tired too.” I said.
“Can I ask you one more thing?” She asked.
“You can ask me anything.” I said.
“I hope I’m not intruding or imposing because I really don’t mean to. But is it ok if I, uuumm, if I just stay here tonight? I mean not in your bed or with you or anything like that I swear. I’m not trying to sleep with you. It’s just that it’s very…..I mean, it feels very peaceful here. I haven’t felt this in years.” She said nervously, like she might have stepped over the line, with the cutest look on her face I have ever seen. “I’ll sleep right here on the couch, I mean if you say no I swear I won’t be mad about it, I understand.” She said.
“Why sleep on the couch when I have two other fully furnished bedrooms you can sleep in?” I asked.
“I didn’t know you had three bedrooms.” She said.
“I do, and you are more than welcomed to sleep here tonight.” I said as I smiled.
“Thank you so much Adam.” She said as she hugged me tightly. “God no wonder my sister loved you so much.”
“You’re very welcome. Let me get those clothes out of the bathroom for you and I’ll wash and dry them for you. You are also more than welcomed to take a bath if you want. It’s a jacuzzi tub and you really need that, it’ll help you relax even more. Just make your self at home. You’re welcomed to anything in the kitchen, my house is yours, is that ok with you?” I asked.
“You’re going to make me not want to leave.” She said.
“I would be ok with that too.” I said.
“God. I’m really, really starting to understand why Janine loved you so much. I’m starting to see what she was talking about.” She said.
“Thanks.” I said.
“You’re welcome.” She said.
“If you’re ready I’ll take you to your room.” I said.
“Ok.” She said as we let go of each other. She smiled and got up.
I walked her to her room and showed her where everything was. Our moms had made sure that there were things for a female, why, I have no damn clue, but it paid off. I showed her where the remote to the TV was and told her that I have wifi in case she wanted to surf the net. I gave her the password for it and everything. After several minutes I started to head out and she walked me to the door. As I turned around, she seemed to be glowing. She had a grin on her face. Her eyes, oh my god her eyes. I turned to jello because of the way she was looking at me. She was a completely different person than the one that came over almost 6 hours ago. Just as I stepped out she said good night and started to close the door but stopped.
“Hey Adam.” She said.
I turned around and looked at her.
“After meeting you again, talking to you, and after reading that little book my sister wrote for me a million times, I feel like I know you very well. That being said, if I knew you then like I do now, I would have been honored to have you as my brother in law.” She said.
I just walked up to her and gave her another hug.
“Thank you so much for saying that.” I said.
“I really mean it.” She said.
“Thank you.” I said.
“You’re welcome.” She said as we backed away from each other.
She closed the door and I took her clothes to the laundry room. I started to wash them for her. I did notice her extremely tiny panties and bra, but I didn’t even give them a second thought. As they washed I went ahead and started to watch tv. As I sat there I started to realize that I was thinking about her. As I did I grinned and thought about how absolutely gorgeous she was. God damn it she was beautiful. Then I started to think about Janine and started to worry about what she would do if she knew that I was thinking about her little sister.
“God Janine. I hate myself for liking her right now.” I whispered to myself.
I no sooner finished saying what I did when I smelled her perfume again. It was as if she was saying that she wanted this to happen. I could almost here her saying it. I then felt very warm and peaceful, like there was nothing to worry about. It’s ok, just went through my head as I sat there. Then all of that stopped and I started thinking about Courtney again. I then realized that I had no clue as to what I was watching. After a little while I got up and put her clothes in the dryer and dried them. When they were finished I folded them up nicely and put her bra and panties between her shirt and jeans. I placed them on the table all neatly so she could find them when she got up.
I was so tired that I couldn’t keep my eyes open. So I left a few lights on for her and went to my room. I had already taken a shower so I stripped down naked, as I always did and went to bed. But before I fell asleep, I went to my social media page that I hardly ever checked. I found a friend request from Courtney and immediately accepted it. I messaged her and told her that I hoped she felt better and that she would actually get some sleep. I went to go to sleep but was urged to go look at her profile more. So I did and found a lot of poems that she wrote. My good god was that girl hurting!
I also read the latest status she posted. It read: just when I think that I’ve lost hope, I find someone like him. The sad thing is that I’ve known him for many years but I was to caught up in myself to realize it. Not only that but he lived far far away. Now he is here. I never thought that I would get to see him again after my sister died. Girls, there really are great guys out there, I know, he is one of the very few. I then started reading the comments and they were all inquisitive comments. One girl tried like hell to get her to tell her who the guy was. She responded by saying that she will later and that she didn’t want to jinx it.
After that I put my phone down and just grinned. I knew who she was talking about, there was no doubt in my mind about that. At that moment I knew that she was feeling better. That alone made me happy. I some how accomplished my goal for that night, I’m not sure how, but I did. That was all I cared about. As that all went through my head I somehow passed out. Oh my god did I sleep good. When I finally woke up, I realized that it was pretty late, it was almost noon. I got up and got dressed and went out to start making breakfast. I normally had a protein shake and would go to the gym for a few hours. That day was different, I wanted to make breakfast since it was clear that she was still there. Her clothes were still on the table.
I didn’t know what she liked, so I made a buffet basically. I made waffles, pancakes, eggs, bacon, hash browns, biscuits and gravy and a bunch of fruit. You name it, I pretty much made it. I made coffee and orange juice. As I set it all up she came out and I didn’t even realize it. I was having too much fun cooking that I just got lost in it. I then saw movement in the corner of my eye and it scared the holy fucking shit out of me. I looked at her and froze, I then jumped like crazy and all but screamed. She just started laughing her ass off at me.
“Ssshhhhit! You scared the hell out of me!” I said.
“I know.” She said as she laughed at me.
“Are you hungry?” I asked.
“You should have seen the look on your face!” She said as tears started streaming down her face she was laughing so hard.
“Was it pretty funny?” I asked as I started laughing.
“You just froze and stared at me for a few seconds. You looked terrified….then you jumped! Oh my god…oh god.” She said as she doubled over from laughing so hard.
“You scared the shit out of me. How long were you standing there?” I asked as I laughed with her.
“10 minutes.” She said still laughing.
I stopped laughing and just watched her roll from laughter. All I could do was smile as I watched her. God she was a cutie! She was so beautiful, how any guy, or girl could treat her like some did slays me. She stopped laughing hard but was still laughing. She walked up to the bar and sat down as she wiped her tears from her eyes.
“I’m starving.” She said still laughing at me.
“Well, I don’t know what you like so I just made a little of everything.” I said.
“I like all of it, I’m not sure I can eat all of it though.” She said.
“Don’t worry, I’ll help.” I said.
“Good.” She said as I handed her her coffee and some utensils.
I started to serve her and she just pointed to what she wanted, which was pretty much everything I had made. I had to get a different plate for her biscuits and grave. We sat there and joked around like we had been friends for many years. She and I were both surprised that we both had really great senses of humor. We had a little food fight that she started. It was cute how she threw food at me and looked at me like I was going to flip out on her. Once I threw a biscuit at her, she realized that I was not going to flip out at all. I was actually really enjoying myself. It had been a long time since I had had that much fun with a girl. And all we were doing was eating breakfast. After a while we both just sat there quietly for a few minutes. She sat there looking at me with a little grin.
“What?” I asked as I smiled.
“Nothing.” She said.
“Are you sure, because it doesn’t look like nothing.” I said.
“Nothing.” She said as she picked up some eggs and threw it at me.
“Hey. Thank you. I haven’t felt this good since before she died.” She said.
“Not a problem. I’m not sure what I did, but you are welcome.” I said.
“You did a lot for me.” She said.
After we ate breakfast, she helped me clean my kitchen. That’s when I realized that I was attracted to her. My t shirt kept sliding down her shoulder exposing her shoulder and back. If she was facing me she would I probably would have seen her tits. She caught me looking at her and smiled.
“What?” She asked.
“Nothing.” I said as I smiled at her.
“Didn’t look like nothing.” She said.
“I just think it’s funny how my shirt swallows you whole.” I said as I laughed, trying to hide the fact that I was quite literally checking her out.
“I know right? Look, it goes down past my knees.” She said buying what I had just said.
“You should probably tie it up behind your neck to keep it from falling off. I said as I laughed.
“Oh don’t act like you wouldn’t like to see all of this.” She said just before she grinned and bit her lower lip.
“Well, you got me there.” I said as I shrugged.
“That’s what I thought.” She said as she giggled.
“So what do you want to do today?” I asked.
“I have no clue. We could go to the fair down town.” She suggested.
“Ok, but we better hurry, I have to work tonight.” I said.
“Ok I’ll go get dressed.” She said.
She ran off and grabbed her clothes. She disappeared and after a while came out dressed. We ran by her place first so she could grab her purse and stuff. Her room mates all stared at her like she was an alien. They had never seen her act like she was acting. Even when she was dating someone, or at least that’s how it seemed. She didn’t take long at all, she ran to my truck and we were off. That day was so much fun, we had an amazing time! After a few hours I had to get home and get ready for work. Once I got to her house to drop off, she got the cutest look on her face. It melted me like butter. She looked like she was about to ask something that she really didn’t want to.
“Uuuuummmmm, can I, can I stay at your house tonight?” She asked.
“You’re welcomed to anytime.” I said.
“Are you sure? I just feel at peace and safe there.” She said with a pleading look on her face.
“I’m very sure. In fact hold on a second.” I said as I turned my truck off and took my extra house key off.
“Here, just in case you don’t make it before I leave, take this. Make sure no one else touches it. I’ll text you the alarm code. Does that work for you?” I asked.
“Thank you so much.” She said as she hugged me.
“I had a really good time today.” I said.
“So did I. It’s been so long since I’ve been this happy, I almost don’t even know what to do with myself.” She said as we held each other.
“You deserve that Courtney, and you’re very welcome. I am really glad that I ran into you.” I said.
“So am I.” She said.
She got out of my truck and she looked really really happy. She was glowing. She turned around and smiled as I drove away. I was really happy too, I was on top of the world. I got home and took a shower and cleaned up. I put my uniform on and got all of my equipment on, loaded my weapons and started getting my lunch ready. Just as I finished packing my lunch, she came bouncing in. She took one look at me in my uniform and froze for a second.
“She would have loved to see you in that uniform.” She said.
“You think?” I asked.
“Oh yeah she would have.” She said.
I walked up to her and hugged her just before I grabbed my duty bag and my rifle.
“This is just as much your place as it is mine. You can do what ever you want so long as I don’t have to respond out here.” I said with a grin.
“Ok. You be safe ok?” She said.
“I will, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said.
“Ok.” She said.
She watched me walk out the door and I look at her very nice car. I looked back at her and gave her a thumbs up. She just smiled at me. I loaded my stuff up and headed to head quarters for the briefing. That whole night I was working I thought about her. I was worried that I might start developing feelings for her way too soon. She didn’t make it easy to keep that from happening. She was gorgeous, oh my god she was beautiful. The way she looked at me sent chills up my spine every time. Her smile, god. Her personality, the way she moved, the way she spoke, her voice, her eyes, and her little quirks. All of those things never left my mind. I caught myself grinning many times as I thought about her. And the thing was, it was a very busy night.
