Gender issues all my life, finally found a fit.

. I grew up in a middle-class family, the usual life of a young boy. I played baseball and had a few friends. My family didn’t have any sexual openness, there wasn’t obvious flirting between my parents, and my first impressions about my body were clouded with shame.
. My sister and i played often and we tried to stay out of moms hair, and dad was disinterested with young children, that would change later. We were just, “what i truly consider”, a normal nuclear family.

. I had some friends who constantly spoke about sexual things, and as i have said, i knew nothing about any of it. My friend Glen had tricked me once with his far superior sexual intellect. He was asking a group of us, each in turn, which way we preferred to, “Jack Off” which is one way he put it. I believe, at that time, i had never achieved an orgasm via masturbation. I had, however, realized that when i woke up in the morning, laying on my belly, i got a very pleasant sensation when i pushed my pelvis down against my mattress. I would squeeze my butt cheeks together and hold my penis hard against my bed. No ejaculate, no intention, i just happened upon it. So there i was being peppered with questions from Glen, he asked: did i do the reverse bicycle pump? He made some silly attempt at a believable scenario. Then he asked if i kept to the old standard ( sperm count)? At the time non of these made an ounce of sense to me. Hindsight, the sperm count seemed to be the proper choice. But that day, i just played along and agreed with everything he said, he called me on it too. He made me feel unfit to be in his presence, i was sub par, immature, TOO young, and every other term he could possibly say. Suffice it to say, i felt goofy and out of place.

. I was a solid boy of 10 years when, one morning my neighbor was tapping on his window at the rear off his house. He could see me on the side of our garage that faced his backyard. I looked up and he smiled and motioned for me to be quiet with his finger to his lips. There was nothing that caused any alarm inside of me. I waited for him to give me my next command. I knew that Herb was taking care of an older family member of his. This was the white haired man that i often saw sitting on the porch with Herb. The only thing, at that point, that i knew about myself was, that i felt shame because i liked to look at my friends mother’s and, if i could, i would sneak into their hamper or laundry or drawers to touch the feminine undergarments. I did experience some type of arousal when i touched the panties, slips, bras,etc… I had also been caught, by mom, using her razor on my legs. I didn’t even have hair, i just knew that when is seen mom do it, i liked what i had seen. So that’s about it, and now my neighbor is motioning me to come through the hole in the wooden fence that led into his yard. I pointed and asked if Thurs was, in fact, what he wanted? He smiled and nodded his head up and down, kinda like I’d be doing in just a few more minutes. I headed through the broken fence, and i walked up to his widow. Again, he used the finger to his lips signal and pointed for me to walk around to the other side of his house. I did, and the side entrance opened up. It wasn’t much of a surprise when herb poked his head out. He asked, do you likeplay those video games, like they ones at the fish & chips restaurant? I said yes, he knew the names of both games. I told him which is liked better, and he seemed to want to know more about them. He asked me if I’d like to come in, maybe i could help him with a couple things and he could see to it that i get some coins to use on those games. I said sure herb, and walked up the steps into his house.

. The house was a little dark, kinda dirty, and there was a smell, i think it was the smell of two less than manicured men, living without the aid of a woman’s touch in the home. The scent wasn’t repulsive, on the contrary, it was thick and warm, and i was led into the living room area. The older man, with white hair was sitting on his chair looking at me and grinning. When i looked back at herb, he was smiling TOO. I felt relieved that everyone seemed to be happy and i was happy about that. At the time i always wore very long white socks, up past the knee actually, my father used to pester me about it. I was also wearing a khaki colored pair of shorts as a tank top. As i stood there in front of these 2 herb asked if it’d rather scrub the kitchen floor, for the money, or something else? As he was waiting for me to decide, he squeezed in behind me and sat on the arm of the couch, when he did he very lightly laid his hands across my chest and made a slight swirl on my nipples with his palm. He then maintained a gentle finger tip grip on my left nipple, gently rolling it, back and forth and tugging on it. I didn’t protest at all, it felt nice and because i didn’t struggle with this he turned my hips so that i could step back into his lap. One of his hands covered my belly and the other pushed my head back ave to the left so that i was looking at him over my shoulder behind me, his groin was firm against my back. I could feel him pushing into my back while he pulled my belly toward him increasing the amount of contact between he and i. Just then he asked which chore was ideal for me, scrubbing the kitchen or doing the dishes, i was about to open my mouth and say scrub the floor, when he said, you might like the other idea more. He referred to the uncle, herb asked the older man, if he thought that i might like to get twice as much money without doing either the floor or the dishes? The uncle nodded his head, yes, so i was asked if i was ok, i replied that i was and he said that his uncle loved watching me play catch with my friends. He told me that his uncle taught him to throw a ball when he was young like me. Woke he was telling me Thurs, he undid the button on my shorts and he lowered the zipper and my shorts slid off as my shirt went up and over my head. I was standing in front of herb with my back against his, now hardening cock, and i was facing the uncle head on, IMMEDIATELY, the uncle reached into my underwear and flatly rubbed under my genitals and into my ass with the tip of one of his fingers. He wasn’t forcing anything, yet.

. The next thing i know, herb or the uncle spun me around, now i was looking directly at a swollen cock pointing under my chin, herb pushed my head down on his cock with one hand and the other was aiming his shaft into the back of my mouth. I couldn’t say anything, only muffled noises were emanating from me. The old man had torn my undies down past my ankle and used one of his feet to step on them while he grabbed my leg and lifted it through one side of the undies. Having my legs freed up and my ass facing him the old man leaned forward and picked my ass up to his hot mouth. It felt strange but very good having my ass eaten out. The man’s hands were big enough to hold my ass open and keep me elevated into positron for his attention. I wasl scared now, i had herbs cock in my mouth and his uncle’s tongue was deep up my ass, aside from not being able to breathe freely because of a mouthful of dick, i rather enjoyed the uncle fastidious tongue working in my ass. I didn’t feel like my body was something shameful, and the sounds coming from my molesters seemed to affirm that i was having a good affect on them both. For the first time, in my young life, i was experiencing what it means to feel sexy and desirable. On many occasions i would return to the arms of these men who got me to feel us about myself and my body. I was used in every way imaginable over a couple years time. It wasn’t, but 2 more visits before, i was fucked by both men, and i really liked having either of them feed me their cum. They were gentle, generous, and airways willing to give me what i asked for. I did learn quickly that what had happened between us, was a no no, and, that they were anxious to keep our secret solely between the 3 of us.

. I played lots of asteroids and Pac man during my molestations by these two. I had learned how to take advantage and tease them about telling or story to my dad. I think they know that i would never, ever do it. As a matter of fact, my father caught a neighbor boy up on the porch with them, i never knew about, but my dad had brought the news to the boys father, which created quite a rift of denial and anger about the whole scene. My father would know nothing about this at all.

. So, what was i to think? I had been molested, i really enjoyed it. I had grown up into the age were one expects to her more and more about sex. I knew, in my mind, that i had swallowed cum from 2 men, and that i had taken both cocks up my ass on many occasions, and they had deposited cum in my ass, as well. I began hearing terms being used for people who do these things. Fag, homosexual, etc. The words were being used in negative connotation and it hurt me to know that i had done these things as that these derogatory uses were pinned directly, on me, by me, 27th the help of my molesters. I wasn’t ever angry, i was shamed again, hiding things about myself. Never wanting anyone to know what i had, not only done, but learned to thoroughly enjoy.

. Throughout my early teens, i was acutely aware of my ability to be, a bit closer, to other boys than most felt comfortable being. I also had noticed the feelings of femininity welling up inside me. Not an over the top femininity, like a super gay male, but a real longing to be seen and used, as female. I looked at women through a lens of discernment, i was really watching to figure out, how they did what do.. So, NOTHING else sexual took place for many years, not even heterosexual endeavors. I was 15.5 years old when i got to have relations with my first girl. But on so man occasions i would’ve happily fallen into any situation with a number of young boy friends that i had. But it never happened.

. In high school, my sophomore year, my band was beginning to pay shows and my hair was getting really long. Life was very exciting and full of opportunities for adventure. One Halloween myself and another member of my band decided to take a dare and dress like girls and go annoy some shopkeepers, we were very successful, we bugged all of them. Consequently, putting a dress on and wearing makeup and pigtails really lighted a fire deep inside me. For whatever the reason, i felt that i was being honest with myself about myself and that connection only grew into burning desire for me to learn to express myself as a woman.

. I started stealing clothes from apartment complex laundry facilities, friends houses, even finding clothes on the side of the road or in dumps out in the desert. No stone was left unturned, i was ALWAYS hunting, always trying to find new ways to feminize myself. I had scars on my ribcage from using super glue to stick myself into a bra so that my fresh won’t move out of position. When it cane time to take the bra off, i literally ripped my skin off with it. This didn’t happen just once, by mistake, no no, it happened over and over again because the super glue really did hold my chest skin into the bra, much like a real breast. I have learned better ways since, but the list of insane measles that I’ve taken to me a girl, is quite long.

. In my early 20’s i was married to a fantastic gal. She was such a brilliant thing and petty, and loyal. This relationship would be the first of many that would be strained by the bend in my psyche. She, as would any woman, came to believe that i was cheating on her when in actuality i was learning, exploring, and even cheating in order to understand what i couldn’t. I found far away dark places, power line access roads, tops of hills, back sides of mountains, riverbeds, to remote desert regions. I preferred to be in flat open areas where i could see for miles around so that I’m forced to be witnessed or hurried to change form. But sometimes, time just wouldn’t permit it, and I’d have to go somewhere less ideal. For instance: i went to one of the closer options to explore my lady locked inside, i went up just to the side of the main highway. I was getting into it pretty heavy, i was using the dome light inside the car, which makes me totally visible to anyone avid everyone outside the car. I was probably doing since makeup on the mirror when i got a funny feeling in my stomach. I reached to turn the light off and just as i did, my door was opened and my eyes hadn’t enough time to become adjusted to the dark outside. So there i was, very panicked and quite afraid, blind, thinking that i might me getting killed at any moment. I pushed outward on the door as hard as i could, it only went open a bit further. While my arms were extended out of the car, i was grabbed on both of my wrists by 2 extremely strong hands. They clutched my wrists together and i heard a man’s voice tell me to calm down, no one’s going to hurt you. I just couldn’t believe it, so i tried to get free from his grip again. It didn’t work, again. I was yanked up and out from my own car, the ground was cold and my ankle twisted when he flung me back around toward the car. I felt the cold paint from the car touching directly against my thighs, i had a very short skirt on. I shrieked, ahhhhhh I’m scared, i said as my eyes were still unable to see anything. In my mind i figured, i hadn’t been hit or stabbed, so when he asked me to put my hands down on the car, i did as i was told. But i heard him say something quietly, not directed at me, STILL blind i started to push myself up from the hood of my car, I was grabbed from across the hood, my hands being pulled over toward the other side. It couldn’t be the guy behind me, he’s still pushing me over the hood, boobs flat against steel thighs touching the side of my car, his body pinning me against and down on the hood. Yes, i figured it out, there were two of them and i was stretched out across my own cars hood. The man behind me learns into my ear, he’s big, and heavy, he says that i look really sweet as he’d like me to ask him to fuck me. I wiggled just a tad, i really couldn’t move, as the other man pulled me harder TOO. He told me to do what he says, i said, please don’t hurt me, i agreed to do whatever they, as i stressed the word BOTH, as i said it. Whatever you both want me to do.

. I was rough fucked up my ass for an hour, one would cum, the other would watch fur his chance to rape my ass. I thought it would never end, i was excited but also a little hurt TOO. They ended up tying my hands behind my back then i was forced to mount a cock while the other fucked my mouth. I was actually enjoying thugs part, i could feel the speed of the thrusts going up my ass increasing, i knew that he was trying to cum in my ass again. The other guy was getting harder in my mouth as started to shudder and twitch uncontrollably. I thought you myself, I’m going to be in whore heaven if they both go at the same time. I did everything that i could to help secure both loads into my holes at the same time. I learned as far forward as i could without coming off of the duck I’m my ass, i pushed my neck and head out as straight as i could do as to allow the man in front of me to really neck fuck my throat. It worked prefectly, i received a simultaneous blast of cum I’m my mouth and my ass. I was so turned on that i begged to be untied so that could get myself off. They agreed as long as they could watch me one in each side of my face. So i pulled in my cock until i knew they, at least one was going to blow in my mouth. I went home all salty and sticky, i was so happy to be a girl that night.

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