God is a Slut Chapter 6: Jesus is a Douchebag

STORY SO FAR

Chapter 1
Lucifer and God are both women, and both very sexually active. They make a bet, where God tries to create a human of ultimate purity, and Lucifer (called Lucy), tries to corrupt that child. Rachel is the main character here, a god-fearing, virgin, college freshmen with a killer body. She gets sent to hell, much to her shock, and is given the details of her quest. She agrees to do it, and misinterprets God’s slutty nature as a test of her faith. The first trial in Lucy’s seven-day fuck fest, is to resist the temptation of the succubi. God decides to join in, and instantly falls prey to the demon’s seduction, because God is a total whore. Rachel, however, believes God’s fall from grace is an act, and wills her way out of the seduction, passing the first test, but not after having some lesbian fun. Lucy pays her debt to God by getting fisted in the ass.

Chapter 2
Lucy tempts Rachel with Rachel’s darkest fantasy, which just happens to be fucking her brother, Jake. Jake is brought down to hell, and falls prey to the seduction of the devil (Lucy). Jake and Rachel fuck, and Rachel almost gives in to Lucy’s temptation, but is stopped when she realizes that Jake only had sex with her because Lucy corrupted him. God makes Lucy have sex with Jake as penance.

Chapter 3
Rachel is turned into a hermaphrodite, a beautiful creature that combines the best assets of a man and woman. She grows confident, and has the best sex of her life with the queen of the hermaphrodites; Kaitlyn. God gets jealous that she’s not getting any action, so she tries to join in on the fun, only to get borderline raped by Rachel and Kaitlyn. Rachel revels in her new confidence and power, a theme that will persevere throughout the series. She ultimately rejects the temptation of the hermaphrodites, because she sees God’s jealous attempt to regain her affection, as a sacrifice to show her faith in Rachel. In reality, God just wanted some dick. Lucy is forced into a mechanized sexual contraption to pay off her bet.

Chapter 4
Lucy desperately searches for a way to turn Rachel to her side, and seeks the help of sexologist Alfred Kinsey, and psychologist Sigmund Freud. They come to the conclusion that the best way to get to Rachel, is to make her feel like God can’t help her. God agrees to play along, and her and Rachel are kidnapped by Lucy and a gang of demons. God and Rachel get gangraped, and God pretends to be corrupted and subservient to Lucy. Despite seeing her God so humbled, Rachel decides she rather be raped for ever (as she’s very much enjoying it now) than join Lucy. The facade falls, and it is revealed to Rachel that they were just filming a porno the whole time. Despite this, Rachel had given up part of her soul to the darkness in her lust for power, power to become the mistress of the demons that would be her rapists. Lucy must star in a sequel to the porno to pay off her debt.

Chapter 5
God and Lucy notice that Rachel has a hint of corruption in her soul. The diagnostic says that the corruption is a desire for power. Lucy decides to tailor her next test to take advantage of this. God, Lucy and Rachel go back to earth, where Rachel is still a college freshman at ASU. Rachel is now much more confident than she was before she left, and she uses that to her advantage. Anna Patterson, the woman who tortured Rachel throughout her childhood and teen years, invites Lucy, God and Rachel to a party, because the trio are getting all the attention of the boys Anna likes. Rachel turns the party into an orgy with the help of Lucy, and Lucy gives Rachel the ability to corrupt souls. Rachel seduces Anna (actually, she kind of publicly rapes her), and in so doing, corrupts Anna, and makes her Rachel’s slave. But such debauchery comes with a price, as Rachel’s inner corruption grows inside her. God tells Rachel it’s over, but Rachel isn’t having any of that shit. She risks her immortal soul to stem the corruption, scaring the shit out of God and Lucy in the process. She stops the spread, but that corrupted soul is now part of her. God and Lucy both partake in penance for their contribution to Rachel’s state, and Anna Patterson voluntarily becomes Rachel’s slave, because Rachel’s pussy is just that good.

And now, we continue with our story.

LUCIFER

I was in my usual black leather corset, black leather boots, black skirt, and fishnet stockings. Only now, my corset was pulled down to my ribs, my black skirt was hiked passed my hips, and my garters were digging into the fat of my ass as I was taken from behind. My full, crimson thighs were spread in a “v,” my supple glutes rippling from the force of the pelvic blows that were dealt to me. My spine was arching so concavely that my navel was level with my clit. My shoulder blades protruded from my straining back as my arms shook in their straightened positions, my hands gripping the stones of the wall in a white-knuckled grasp. My head fell between my outstretched arms as a bead of sweat dripped down my brow and fell from the point of my nose. I panted and moaned in rhythm with the cadence of Jesus’s thrusts, my eyes widening with each bout of increasing pleasure. Two thousand years ago, I had fucked Jesus much like this for his final test, and he denied me. He was every bit as good now as he was then.

“You said she was half-way gone?” Jesus said with a firm slap on my scarlet ass, “Partially corrupted? Shouldn’t she already be yours?”

“Yes!” I cried out, savoring his full hardness driving through my tender depths, “But she stemmed it!”

“How did she do that?” Jesus asked, his slapping hands now sinking their fingers into the fat of my backside.

“She damn near killed her immortal soul!” I shrieked, my head flinging upward, sending my black hair swinging in an arc, “She fought herself until her soul resolved into two halves of a whole; I’ve never seen anyone do that before!”

“You’re desperate,” Jesus laughed cruelly, “you must be, to come to me for help.”

“I am!” I conceded through a yelp of pleasure, my back arching so violently that my breasts and face pressed against the stones of the wall, “Rachel has denied me at every turn, even when I had her!”

“And now you’re whoring yourself out to me for favors?” Jesus laughed, and covetously squeezed my breasts, the soft flesh of my bosom protruding from his grasping fingers.

“You won’t take any other currency,” I smiled back at him, one side of my face grinding against the wall while the other revealed my mouth gaping in pleasure, “and I don’t mind in the least.”

“I want you at my beck and call for a month,” Jesus said, “and I get to decide what we do.”

“A week,” I groaned as I pushed my juicy ass into his pelvis, “and another week after, if Rachel comes to my side.”

“And I get to do everything I want to you.” Jesus growled, squeezing my breasts until they hurt in just the right way.

“Anything!” I screamed as I felt myself climaxing.

“You know,” Jesus laughed as he plowed into my quivering pussy, “you could have just asked. I would have gladly dissuaded Rachel from playing God’s stupid game for free.”

“Aaaaaaaah!” was my only response as my face wrenched upward and my eyes widened in ecstasy.

“But since you’re paying me so generously,” Jesus panted as his cock pulsated inside of me, “I’ll make sure to really try.”

My body convulsed in a crescendo of ballooning pleasure that radiated from my pelvis and spread outward. I rigorously backed my ass into Jesus as I felt him throbbing uncontrollably inside me. I screamed out in euphoria as the rising pressure released in a wave of felicitous expansion. Sweat poured from my crimson flesh and my lips trembled. Jesus roared out behind me and blew his hot cum deep into my violated pussy. I felt his seed rush into me and seep into the depths of my womb. The last desperate throes of lust left me, and I breathed heavily as my heart pounded in my ears. Blissful satisfaction took over me, and I pulled from Jesus, savoring the feeling of his cock sliding out of me. I turned around to my newest partner and smiled wickedly.

“What are you going to do to poor Rachel?” I asked him, my hand entangling in his wavy curls.

“Nothing,” Jesus smiled back, “I’m just going to be myself.”

GOD

“…and she’ll do anything I say, won’t you girl?” Rachel crinkled her nose at her new pet.

Anna Patterson had her tongue out, her eyes large and submissive, her mouth curled in a smile, gaping open and panting like a dog. She nodded to her master, her collar jangling, her nametag reading: “Rachel’s bitch.” Rachel patted her pet affectionally on the head, brought the college freshman’s face between her legs, then leaned her own head back, closed her eyes blissfully, and sighed.

“You know you’ll have to release her once you pass Lucy’s final tests,” I said, watching my favorite daughter being eaten out by her slave in the lavish living room, “right?”

“I know,” Rachel sighed, giving me a faux pouty-face, “but for the next two days, she’s mine. Aren’t you girl?”

Anna nodded up to her master, her eyes full of adoration and unconditional love, her platinum blonde hair done up in pig tails, her blue horns glistening in the sunlight, and her leather-clad slave outfit clinging vulgarly to her trim, tan frame. Rachel smiled down at her, hiked up her own dress a bit further, and guided Anna back into her depths.

Rachel had changed so much over the course of Lucy’s test. I liked her more this way, on a personal level, but it worried me that she may be too far gone to pass the final two tests. Lucy always saved the hardest for last, and she already had corrupted half of Rachel’s soul. Even watching her now, I could see Rachel’s dark side lying dormant, waiting for a chance to take over her better half. I would have to really try to set a godly example for her; something I had failed miserably at for the last five tests. No, I could no longer be the slut I truly was in front of Rachel. Even if she believed the entire thing was an act to test her faith (and I had no idea how should could be so naive), seeing her lord and savior filled to the brim with cock and lapping up cum like it was candy was probably not a good perception.

I’m going to have to be the god she thinks I am, I thought, or she’ll become the whore she wants to be.

Is it really fair to deny her what she wants? Lucy’s voice rang in my head, Wouldn’t it be the more godly thing to let her be herself?

It was you who corrupted her, I smirked back, she would be a nun by now if it weren’t for you.

If it weren’t for US, Lucy retorted, you could have left Rachel alone on earth, but you made her for this exact reason.

Why don’t you come down here? I asked, Isn’t you conjugal visit with Jesus over by now?

I’m going to be limping for a week after that one, Lucy laughed, he sure resents me.

Not as much as he hates me. I frowned.

Lucy appeared in a puff of black smoke, her black hair a disheveled mess, her bra strap hanging over one of her red shoulders, her obsidian lipstick smeared, and her corset torn down the middle. She twirled her hand in an unnecessary bravado (always one for theatrics, Lucy is), and her messy demeanor righted itself perfectly.

“Hey Lucy,” Rachel said with a slight wave and subtle moan as her new pet buried her tongue between her folds, “God said you were just planning my next test.”

“I was,” Lucy smiled warmly at Rachel, “and I think you’re going to love it.”

“Tell me,” Rachel said, motioning for Lucy to come over, “and share Anna with me; God has decided not to test my faith today.”

“Interesting…” Lucy smirked at me and searched my eyes, “I wonder what changed.”

“Testing her faith seemed so cruel after what we put her through,” I said curtly, “she doesn’t need two deities tempting her.”

“Maybe…” Lucy said as she strutted over to Anna, before looking over her shoulder and smiling at me, “or maybe someone is more afraid of losing than they’re letting on. Rachel,” she said, turning her attention to the pure child, “I’d love to share Anna with you.”

Lucy slid next to Rachel on the couch, and spread her legs. Rachel slid her hands between Lucy’s thighs and dipped her fingers into the devil’s slit. Lucy’s pouting lips curled into a grin, and she eyed me over Rachel’s shoulder as she leaned in to accept her kiss. Anna continued her dutiful licking as Rachel swapped spit with Lucy and explored her insides. Lucy let out an unintentional moan and her eyes flashed open and stared at me.

She’s getting really good at this. Lucy’s telepathic voice moaned in my mind, Like, really good.

Don’t mind me, I said, I’ll just sit over here and watch…by myself…flicking the ole’ bean.

Lucy didn’t respond. Rachel had slipped her free hand beneath Lucy’s corset and undone the stringing that held it up. The devil’s large, perfectly shaped crimson breasts popped out in a delightful bounce. Rachel’s lips left Lucy’s and trailed kisses down her long neck. Lucy’s eyes closed and her head tilted upward as a blissful moan escaped from her black lips. Rachel continued kissing Lucy down her body until she reached her breasts; Anna licking her master’s slit the whole time. Rachel took a red nipple into her mouth and began to suck ardently. I heard the soft sounds of slurping mix with Lucy’s increasingly desperate tenor. Rachel beckoned Anna away with a gentle movement of her thigh, and then began to straddle across Lucy’s lap before she was stopped.

“Rachel,” Lucy gasped, her eyes half-mast in lust, “only fingers, honey; we can’t have sex.”

“Why not?” Rachel asked in a wining voice, “God and I had sex, but you and I only ever fisted each other and kissed.”

“Because…” Lucy trailed off, “reasons…”

“Oooooooh,” Rachel smirked, “I see; you’re the final test, aren’t you?”

“Damn,” Lucy laughed, “I was hoping to make it a surprise.”

“Do you really think,” Rachel teased as both her hands slid down Lucy’s exposed torso and toyed with the devil between her legs, “you’re a good enough lay to turn me from God?”

“Mmmmm,” Lucy moaned, “maybe I’ll give you a quick taste, just to put you back in your place. You’ve been getting so uppity since your last test.”

“Bring it, bitch.” Rachel smirked in an uncharacteristic display of profanity and defiance. Lucy raised a single eyebrow and smiled out of the corner of her mouth. Five seconds later, Rachel was on the floor, writhing in the throes of unbelievable ecstasy, her screams echoing through the room while Lucy’s fingers danced inside her.

“You were being such a little cunt, Rachel,” Lucy giggled, “you’re good, very good, but Honey, I was made for this shit.”

“I’m sorry!” Rachel screamed, her dress hiked up past her belly, her juices squirting from her exposed slit in a fountain that Anna dutifully caught in her mouth.

“So, Rachel,” I said to the orgasming mortal as I lit a cigarette between my lips, “now seems like a good time to tell you what your next test will be.”

Rachel stared up at me, her mouth motioning like it was trying to say words, but only guttural, primal sounds of euphoria flowed from it.

“I think she’s had enough, Lucy; you’ve made your point.”

“DON’T STOP!” Rachel managed to scream. Lucy laughed merrily and motioned for me to continue.

“Lucy calls this test ‘Don’t Meet You’re Heroes,’” I continued, blowing out a cloud of smoke, “and in your case, your hero happens to be-”

“JESUS CHRIST!” Rachel screeched in ecstasy, though I didn’t think that was her guess.

“Well, yeah, actually.” I chuckled, “That’s him.”

“Did you hear that, Rachel?” Lucy laughed as she clutched Rachel’s crucifix in one hand, while the other worked the mortal into a frenzy, “you’re going on a date with Jesus.”

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” was all Rachel could say as she orgasmed for the third and final time. Lucy giggled, withdrew her hand, and greedily sucked Rachel from her fingers as she watched her recover. Rachel panted for a moment on the ground, her legs splayed out, her chest heaving, her pale breasts rising and falling with her desperate gasps. Finally, she regained control of herself. She sat up, stared at Lucy with a level, wanting gaze, and then leaned forward for a kiss. Lucy smirked and accepted the mortal’s mouth, her right eye staring tauntingly at me as her snake-like tongue entwined with Rachel’s. When they were done swapping spit, Rachel looked at herself, and then looked at me.

“I think I need new clothes if I’m going on a date with Jesus.” She said.

RACHEL

God had me dressed up in a strapless pink dress that revealed a tasteful amount of cleavage. I had diamond earrings and conservative makeup (Lucy wanted me made-up like a whore, but I declined). Lucy was in an elegant black gown that highlighted her impressive curves with a bodice that barely stopped half-way down her areolas. God wore her typical cream dress with the plunging neckline that revealed the inner portions of her ample bosom. God and Lucy were chatting across the table and smoking as the waiter served us. I declined a cigarette from Lucy; I didn’t want my breath smelling like an ashtray when Jesus arrived. It wasn’t lost on me that I’d changed quite a bit since my first day in hell, and I was straining to be on my best behavior for Jesus. I would be the perfect little Christian girl for him, and then…then I’d fuck his brains out. God, I really had changed.

C’mon Rachel; you’re nothing but an innocent little catholic girl, I thought, at least, pretend to be one for just a few hours. Then when the lights are off and the music is on…

“Is that Ghandi?!” I whispered to Lucy, pointing across white-table cloth of the up-scale restaurant we were in.

“Yep, that’s him.” Lucy said, turning over her shoulder to see the bald spiritual leader.

“What is Ghandi doing in hell?” I asked.

“Oh,” God said, narrowing her eyes, “he knows why he’s here.”

“There’s Julius Caesar,” Lucy motioned with her fork, “and there’s Attila, and Alexander, and Mother Theresa-”

“Mother Theresa?!” I exclaimed, “Does anyone get into heaven?”

“Sure,” God said, “if you’re not an asshole, you usually get to go. Mother Theresa had some demons, Rachel; best not to discuss them.”

“Jesus is late,” Lucy said, looking at the gothic clock on the wall, “again.”

“He’ll show up,” God said, patting my hand reassuringly, “he’s just bad at keeping schedule.”

“We both know he’s fashionably late on purpose,” Lucy said, “because he’s a self-entitled douchebag.”

“How can you say that?!” I gasped, “Jesus Christ is our lord and savior!”

“Yeah…” Lucy murmured, “We’ll see how you feel about him after a few minutes.”

“HELLO, BITCHES!” a boisterous, deep voice yelled from the entrance of the restaurant. I turned around to see a bearded man wearing a white sport’s coat, dress pants, a gold chain, and Ray Ban sunglasses, burst into the room. Everybody in the restaurant collectively groaned.

“Oh, this asshole!” Ghandi yelled as he threw the napkin down on the table and got up to leave.

“Hey now, my hairless Hindu hell-raiser, why the animosity?” Jesus smiled at the fuming Ghandi.

“Fuck off, you fucking piece of dog shit!” Ghandi yelled in a thick Indian accent as he stormed past the messiah.

“Hey,” Jesus yelled back at Ghandi, “I’m telling your manager at Xbox customer support that I am not satisfied with your service!”

“That’s Jesus?!” I whispered to God.

“Yeah,” God sighed, “that’s him.”

“Hi Mom!” Jesus yelled as his gaze zeroed-in on God.

“Hello, Jesus,” God said, “please don’t call me ‘Mom.’”

“What,” Jesus smiled as he sat down in the empty chair across from me, “do I embarrass you?”

“Mary is your mother,” God said, “and you should call her; it’s been a century since you two talked, and she’s always nagging me.”

“Yeah, I’ll get on that.” Jesus said, rolling his eyes, “Hey Lucy, can I bum a smoke?”

“Sure,” Lucy said, and handed him a cigarette, before motioning to me, “Jesus, this is your date.”

“Oh yeah!” Jesus exclaimed before looking at me, “So you’re Rachel, huh?”

“Yes.” I said meekly, too star-struck by Jesus to care that he was an arrogant prick.

“Another one of God’s pet-projects,” Jesus smiled, “trying to become my replacement.”

“I…I’m not trying to replace you.” I said, fearing that Jesus saw me as a threat to his holiness.

“Sure, you are,” Jesus laughed, “that’s the prize! You win, you become the messiah. Let me tell you something Rachel: it’s better to lose.”

“Are-are you testing my faith?” I asked through a stutter, “Because I will not fail you! I will not fall to the temptations of evil, you have my word!”

Laying it on kind of thick, aren’t we? Lucy laughed in my mind.

Don’t be a cock-block. I responded, glaring at her.

“Am I testing your faith?” Jesus laughed, “Your faith in what?”

“In you,” I said, searching around the table for someone to back me up, “in God.”

“Why would you put your faith in her?!” Jesus laughed, “In case you haven’t noticed, God is a shameless slut.”

“It’s all an act,” I said, staring at God’s embarrassed face, “it’s all just to test my resolve.”

“Let me tell you something, honey.” Jesus said, leaning in, “I used to be like you. I devoted my entire life to God. I was celibate, I hardly drank, I didn’t gamble, I let everyone walk all over me. Then one day, I get dropped on my ass in the middle of hell, and Lucy here tells me I have to pass seven tests to become God’s chosen child. So, I’m super stoked, you know? Who doesn’t want a chance to prove their worth to the almighty? So, I go through with it, passing test after test, resisting the greatest temptations hell had to offer. And you know what my reward was? Getting nailed to the fucking cross and bleeding to death for six hours. Trust me, Sugar, it ain’t worth it.”

“B-but your sacrifice,” I stammered, “you absolved us of sin!”

“Ha!” Jesus laughed, “I died with shit all over me, begging our holy mother here to save my ass, but she was preoccupied at the time. What were you doing again, God? Was it getting spit-roasted by Nebuchadnezzar and Ramses? Or were you taking it in the ass from King Bera?”

“Jesus,” God growled, “you’re making an ass of yourself in front of your date! And you know damn well it was Lucy that convinced the Romans to crucify you.”

“Don’t blame Lucy for being the devil,” Jesus said, “you could have helped me. You could have at least given me some real fucking superpowers! What was I supposed to do when the Romans came for me? Turn their water into wine and sprint across the nearest lake? Why not some super-strength, or at least nail-proof skin?!”

“Holy shit,” Lucy laughed at my horrified face, “this is going so well!”

“And another thing,” Jesus continued his rant, “you chastised me for fucking Mary Magdalen, while you were getting double penetrated by Moses and Noah! How am I supposed to take that Mom?! Was I supposed to overlook the hypocrisy, or just accept it as divine privilege?”

“You done?” God growled, “You finished with this little tantrum of yours? Because it’s been two-thousand years, and I’ve more than made up for it!”

“By getting everyone to wear the instrument of my torture around their necks?!” Jesus yelled, pointing at the cross that I’d proudly worn every day of my life, “How is that making up for it? Every time I take a peak down at earth, I’m reminded constantly of the worst day of my life.”

“Oh, fuck you!” God yelled back, “You’re such a fucking narcissist, Jesus, you love the attention. ‘Oh, he was so brave. He was so holy. He died for our sins! What a great man he was.’ You eat that shit up like it’s candy. I’ve got a billion people wasting their Sunday mornings going to church and singing boring-ass hymns about you. People on the west-coast sacrifice NFL kickoff for you, so don’t say I didn’t show gratitude!”

“You know what?” Jesus said to the fuming God, “I don’t need this shit right now. C’mon, Rachel, let’s get out of here.”

I stared dumbfoundedly at the flustered face of God and the grinning face of Lucy. This had to be a test. Lucy and Jesus planned this ahead of time to test my faith. It must be. There’s no way Jesus was telling the truth…

“You should go,” Lucy smiled, patting my shoulder, “you kids have fun.”

“OK…” I said, getting up from the chair and taking Jesus’s arm. Jesus walked us briskly out of the restaurant and onto the streets of hell.

“Can you believe the balls on that woman?” Jesus said angrily as he gave the valet his ticket, “Calling me a narcissist, when she makes people like you and I literally go through hell just to prove our devotion to her?”

“She’s a good woman, she’s our holy-”

“Don’t make excuses for her,” Jesus said as his Ferrari pulled up, “she uses people for entertainment, and then casts them aside when she’s bored with them.”

Jesus held my hand as I stepped into the passenger’s seat of his Enzo.

“You think you’re so special?” Jesus growled as he jumped into the driver’s seat and turned the key, “Even if you do win all her little games, she’ll only dote on you for a few years and then forget you exist.”

Jesus turned the car over and smashed his foot on the accelerator. We zipped through the streets of hell, running through every stop sign and light.

“Look out!” I screamed as we barreled right at a line of crossing pedestrians. Jesus just gunned the engine and sent the poor souls flying over his hood.

“Why did you do that?!” I shrieked in horror.

“Have you forgotten where we are?” Jesus laughed, “You can’t die twice, Rachel.”

I ignored the irony of the resurrected messiah saying that, and looked back to see the people Jesus had run over at one-hundred miles per hour dust themselves off like nothing happened.

“So, what do you want to do?” Jesus asked, “I’m baby-sitting you for the day, and since Lucy’s paying me in ass, you get to decide how we party.”

“I…I don’t party.” I said.

“Sure you do!” Jesus laughed, looking at me and not the road, “You already had a lesbian orgy with the succubi, you fucked your brother, you became a hermaphrodite and sodomized God, you starred in a porno, and you enslaved an entire party of undergrads. You fucking party, Rachel!”

I stared at Jesus, dumfounded and mortified that he knew all of this.

“What, do think I live in a box?” Jesus laughed, “I don’t judge; I had to go through a lot of the same tests as you. And I know another thing about you, Rachel: you’re half corrupted with sin. So, this ‘innocent-little-Christian-girl’ act you’re playing can stop now.”

“Fine,” I smirked, “I thought you’d go for chicks like that.”

“Nope,” Jesus laughed, “holy chicks bore the living shit out of me. Give me a sinner with a drug problem any day of the week. So now that we’re on level ground, what do you want to do?”

“Well, to be honest, I was kind of hoping to lure you in with my innocence, act like you were showing me great, new experiences, and then fuck your brains out in the hotel room,” I chuckled, “but since we’ve got the pretense out of the way, why don’t we just skip the foreplay and fuck right now?”

“Wow,” Jesus said with raised eyebrows, “so this is the real Rachel, huh?”

“In the flesh,” I smiled, and unhooked my seatbelt, “so, are we going to bang, or…”

“I’d love to, Rachel, I really would,” Jesus said as he hit another pedestrian, “but I’m drunk and on way too much coke right now, so I’ll be useless to you.”

“I’m sure you could just send a little unholy prayer to Lucy,” I smiled as I crawled over the center council and placed my chin on his right thigh, “and she’d get you all sorted out.”

As if the devil were watching from below (which she most definitely was), the limp bump in Jesus’ dress pants became a rock-hard bulge. My eyes widened at its size, and my mouth watered. I looked up at Jesus’ bearded, handsome face, and my lips curled in an evil smile. His eyebrows raised and his mouth also smiled, though his expression was of surprise.

“You know, Rachel,” Jesus said as I tenderly undid his belt and fly, “you would be right at home down here; I don’t know why you want to get to heaven so badly.”

“Mmm, a sense of duty I suppose,” I said as I covetously pulled out the long, thick cock of my lord and savior, “and if I’m being really honest: power.”

“Power…?” Jesus probably had more to that question, but my lips wrapped around his tip and my tongue tasted the sweet foulness of his shaft. Did I have a misguided dream of outcompeting Lucy for this man’s lust, and bringing him to my side, maybe even marrying him? Yes, yes, I did. I didn’t care that he was an arrogant prick with a drug problem, he was the idol of my childhood, the symbol that kept me secure in my darkest hours. Not only that, but, (if I’m being honest with myself), the idea of stealing Lucy’s ace-in-the-hole from her, of holding that kind of power over the devil, excited me. Maybe I was simply feeding the darker side of myself, but the line between good and evil had blurred since my last test. All I knew in this moment, was I wanted this man’s cock inside me.

“Power,” I whispered back at him, a string of his precum and my saliva bridging from my full, smiling lips, “if I’m the messiah, the messenger of God, I can change the world for the better.”

“I tried that,” Jesus said as her put a hand in my brown hair and guided my face back down, “it didn’t work out so well for me.”

“Mmmmm,” I said as my lips traveled down his delicious shaft and met his base. His tip burrowed into the back of my soft, wet, throat, and I constricted it around him; my beckoning eyes staring up at his pleasure-stricken face as I rotated my lips against the skin of his pelvis. He groaned and tilted his head back, and I giggled internally.

“Well, Jesus,” I said through a gasp as I came up for air, “we live in the twenty-first century now, so there are no Romans to crucify me.”

“Don’t be naive, Rachel,” Jesus said as pulled the strap of my dress over my shoulder, “you’ll upset the applecart when you come down in a blaze of glory. People will want you discredited, humiliated, and killed.”

“Servants of the devil?” I smiled as I pushed off the other strap of my dress and let my bodice fall, exposing my perfect, pale breasts to Jesus, “When Lucy gets vindictive after losing?”

“No,” Jesus said, “the Romans took me under Lucy’s guidance, but it was my friend who betrayed me. People, Rachel; just normal people, those closest to you, will let you down in the end. Humanity isn’t worth it.”

“When did you become such a cynical bastard?” I said, smiling, but not with humor.

“When I was being tortured,” Jesus said, “and our wonderful mother let me rot on the cross.”

“Awwww, is this a test of my faith, or a pity-party for Jesus?” I teased as I brought my breasts onto his lap, enclosing his throbbing member with the soft, warm flesh of my bosom, “It’s OK Babe, I’ll make it all better.”

I smiled up at his confused face and pressed my breasts together, soliciting a moan from his mouth. I giggled at his responsiveness and brought my mouth back down to him. My breasts squished downward as I took half his length between my lips, sucking him with the endearing passion only a true servant of Christ could muster. My tongue traveled along the underside of his shaft, tasting his flavor, wetly caressing his every bump and vein. My lips sucked hard enough to stretch my mouth outward from my face, as though I were attempting to milk the seed of his loins into my belly. My eyes stared up, unblinking in their regard, their expression full of possessive desire. My breasts enveloped the bottom half of his shaft, gently squeezing and squishing about him, moving up and down to the cadence of my bobbing head. I felt the wetness between my legs as his excitement became my excitement. I felt the tremor of his nethers begin to quake; his balls pulsing in my gentle, cool hand, the pinky finger of which was massaging his taint.

“Holy fuck, Rachel,” Jesus groaned, “you are…”

Jesus didn’t finish that thought. My head drove down forcefully between my breasts, flattening my supple bosom against his pelvis as my lips greedily took all they could. My exploring pinky finger drifted south and penetrated his anus, sending his prostate pulsating into an orgasmic frenzy. My heart beat faster and faster, my free hand now toying with myself between my legs, my fingers caressing myself so that I could come with him. My lips locked and rotated, my mouth humming a moan of pure lechery as my eyes stared fixedly upon the man I was determined to seduce. My pinky drove into his ass all the way to the knuckle, and massaged the prostate on the ceiling of his channel. My head began to drive furiously, forcing my breasts to squish delectably about Jesus’s cock. The intensity of my masturbation brought me to the precipice, and I willed my savior to come with one last dive. My tits fell from his pelvis as my lips met his base. I looked up with passion and pleasure strewn across my eyes as Jesus’ head flung back and he let out a roar. His throbbing member engorged further, and then erupted into my mouth. I came with him, my throat exhaling a muffled, exalted screech as I drank the nectar of his loins. Not a drop was spilled as spurt after spurt of his delicious spunk washed down my throat. I kept my brown irises fixed on his, wanting him to see how much I loved sucking his cock. He looked down at me with the affection I desired, and I gave him a wicked wink and the hint of a smile.

“Ohhhh, fuck!” Jesus managed to groan. He was still driving erratically, and it was a miracle we hadn’t crashed yet.

“Did you like it?” I asked, eagerly awaiting his assessment.

“Second-best I’ve ever had.” Jesus smiled back, the hint of a challenge in his eyes.

“Let me guess,” I smirked as I hiked up my dress, “Lucy.”

“Yeah,” Jesus chuckled as he guided me onto his lap, “but don’t get yourself down, kid; you can’t compete with her.”

“I guess not,” I conceded, “but you have her on lease for…what, a week?”

“Two if I convince you to join her.” Jesus said, one of his hands leaving the steering wheel to grip my ass.

“What if I told you, I’d let you have me forever?” I said, looking back at him over my shoulder as I spread myself for him.

“I’m not monogamous, Honey,” Jesus said, “spending an eternity with just one-”

“If you think your dick is good enough to be the only one I fuck, you’re greatly overestimating yourself.” I laughed, “No, we’d have an open relationship, but you’d get to have the second-best piece of ass in heaven or hell forever, instead renting the best for a week or two.”

“That is interesting…” Jesus mused as he examined the two options I had exposed between my cheeks, “I mean, there’s no one else in the universe that has shared the same experiences as you and I have. It’s nice talking to someone who understands on some level what it means to be God’s chosen child, even if you’re naïve as hell.”

“You’re a jaded prick with mommy issues,” I laughed at him, “now pick a hole, and let me drive.”

“You know something, Rachel?” Jesus grunted as he let go of the steering wheel and slid his cock against my frothing slit, “You’re much more like Lucy than you are God.”

“Is that so?” I half-moaned as I felt my pussy being filled out beautifully. I clutched the steering wheel, letting Jesus foot the accelerator as I weaved between traffic, trying to contain the pleasure that would soon drive me mad.

“I’ve been watching your progress with great interest,” Jesus said through a groan as he slid his entire length deep into my cunt, “and every test leaves you a little more nihilistic, a little more sadistic, and a little more confident.”

“That’s just the corruption,” I said through strained breath, “that’s just the darker half of my soul.”

“Corruption isn’t an infection, Rachel,” Jesus said, “it’s who you are. The potential for your soul to be corrupted was always within you, since the day you were born. You just fulfilled enough of your own desires to let it manifest. It’s natural.”

I struggled to keep the steering wheel level as a moan seeped from my parted lips. My eyes half-closed in bliss as Jesus began to thrust in and out. My exposed breasts bounced slightly to the gentle nature of our sex, and my thick, pale ass rippled with the impact of our deep, passionate drives. My hiked-up pink dress began to darken with sweat from the strain of my pleasure, and my legs began to part wider and wider, until my right high-heel was pivoted on the center council, and my left on the driver’s side armrest. I leaned back against Jesus’ chest, my arms straightened to steer the wheel, my back beginning to arch slightly.

“OK,” I panted, “so (AHHH!) I’m becoming like Lucy. What’s your (hnnngggg) point?”

“God loves you in the way a mother loves her daughter,” Jesus continued, “I mean, not in the traditional sense; mothers usually don’t ask their daughters to rape their ass, but you get the idea.”

“And Lucy?” I gasped as Jesus thrust all the way into me and held his cock there, suspending me off his lap and forcing my pelvis upward.

“Lucy straight-up wants you, Rachel.” Jesus said, “And not in the way she wanted me. Lucy wanted me as a prize, but you; she wants you as a woman.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked through a moan, turning my head and giving him an incredulous smile. Two pedestrians were flung over the hood of the Ferrari, but I no longer cared.

“If you pass this test, which you probably will, because I’m more than happy to abandon Lucy for an eternity of fucking you, Lucy will be your next test.”

“I know,” I gasped as Jesus began to thrust harder into me, “she told me this morning.”

“Well, Lucy offered me her body, forever,” Jesus said, “and it was damn hard to refuse. She’ll offer you more; she’ll offer you her love.”

“What?!”

“Lucy is falling in love with you, Rachel.” Jesus chuckled as he pushed harder and harder into me, “How could you not tell?”

LUCIFER

“Whoa,” God said as we watched the TV screen that broadcasted Rachel and Jesus’ vehicular fornication, “I did not see that coming; this is better than Game of Thrones.”

I felt my face flush with color. Had my skin not already have been red, I would be blushing from head to toe.

“You kept that thought very well hidden,” God said, turning cautiously to me, “deep enough that even I couldn’t see it. How long, Lucy?”

“Since the hermaphrodite test,” I conceded, there was no use in lying to this woman, “seeing her like she was, as beautiful and confident as she was…”

“It all makes so much sense!” God exclaimed, “You’ve been trying harder with Rachel than any of my other children. I always thought it was you just trying to avoid paying up the final bet, but ever since she past the hermaphrodite test, you’ve been giving her everything you’ve got! You’re not trying to win to spite me, you’re trying to get Rachel to join you because you love her! Holy shit, Lucy!”

“Don’t…” I trailed off, “don’t…let it change things.”

“This changes everything!” God cried out in glee, “Lucy, we need to cancel the last test and get you two hitched! Oh-my-god, I’ll plan the whole wedding. There’ll be strippers, and death metal, and satanic cults, and-”

“We’re not having a fucking wedding!” I yelled, losing my temper with God for the first time since she decided to create dinosaurs, “we’ll do the final test, and she’ll pass it, and she’ll become the messiah, and she’ll be just another self-righteous beacon of hope for humanity before you finally throw an asteroid into that fucking planet!”

“Lucy,” God said, alarmed at the tears that were forming in my eyes, “Lucy, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I said, knowing damn-well God could read every thought entering my mind.

“You’re afraid?” God asked as she put her arms around me, “You’re afraid that Rachel will reject you?”

“That’s all she’s done,” I said, a single tear rolling down my cheek, “test after test, I try to give her what she wants, and all she does is say no, and come crawling back to you.”

“Lucy…” God murmured as she massaged my shoulders.

“She even ripped her soul in half for you,” I said, my gaze watching the tears fall from my cheek and splash onto the floor, “I can’t compete with you, God; you mean everything to her.”

“She wants you more every day,” God said, “she’s attracted to you, Lucy. You just have to…open up to her.”

“I can’t.”

“Well, now you have to,” God chuckled with warmth and love, “cat’s out of the bag, Honey; your Jesus-plan backfired.”

“For the billions of years I’ve been alive,” I said, “I’ve never been so vulnerable with another person before. God…I’m scared.”

“I’ll be with you, Lucy,” God said, kissing my neck, “I’ll always be with you, sister, no matter what Rachel chooses. I love you.”

“She’ll choose you,” I said, crying, but too dignified to sob, “she’ll always choose you.”

“Not if I tell her,” God whispered in my ear, “not if she knows the truth about me.”

RACHEL

“That (Ooooh!) can’t be true!” I screamed in pleasure and shock as Jesus relentlessly drove his cock between my spread legs in the front seat of his Ferrari.

“Rachel, Lucy straight-up hates me,” Jesus grunted as he gripped my grinding hips past the hiked-up portion of my pink dress, “and she agreed to let me do anything to her for at least a week just to get you to join her. Do you know what kind of depraved shit I’m going to do to her? She certainly did, and she went through with it anyway. Lucy loves you, Rachel; she’s in love with you.”

Jesus’ shaft was stimulating my clit with each violent thrust. My legs bent at the knee and I lifted myself upward so that he could drive relentlessly into me. My breasts bounced in a chaotic jiggle as my thighs rippled from the ever increasing force of my penetration. My hands gripped the steering wheel in a white-knuckled desperate clasp; my straightened arms flexing as my body was willed backward. My head flung back and rested on Jesus’s shoulder as a stream of obscenities blasted from my gaping lips. The quaking in my pelvis rose to an unbearable rumble of ravenous euphoria, as if my body was being relieved of some desperate hunger. I growled and dropped my ass onto Jesus’ cock, grinding my hips down his length as he stirred my filled slit and broke my inner tightness. I rose once again, grinning down at Jesus before I dropped my body down in brutal smack, and screamed in delight as his tip pushed against my cervix.

Through the mind-numbingly good sex, my thoughts managed to wander to what Jesus had said: Lucy was in love with me. This had to be bullshit, but I had no way of knowing if it was. Part of me thought it must be another misdirection, a ploy to make me drop my defenses, but part of me also thought it made sense. And what did I think of Lucy? I certainly was attracted to her, there was no denying that. Granted, I was attracted to God as well, but the two times we had sex, the power dynamic was never equal. Whether it was in the succubus den and she was trying to seduce me, or in the hermaphrodite’s garden and I was borderline raping her, we never fucked as equals. Lucy and I hadn’t had sex yet, and if she was as advertised, it was bound to be the best sex of my life. But how did I feel about Lucy as a person? She was my friend, certainly, more so than God, as I saw God as a mother more than anything else. She was a challenge to me; always devising tests, always trying to give me what my heart desired. Could I love Lucy? Could I be in love with Lucy? Not at the moment, but I’d never before thought of her as more than just a means to end, an obstacle to hurtle. No, no, this was all a lie. Lucy was a friend, sure, but she was also evil incarnate, and I must see this mirage for what it is: just another test; like the continual testing of my faith God put me through by acting like a whore. Acting…was she acting?

But…no, I must just be jaded from the corruption in my soul, it can’t be true. In must be an act. It has to be, or all of this is bullshit.

“Jesus, take the wheel.” I gasped as I spun around and faced him, my breasts pushing into his chest as my legs straddled across his lap, my knees resting on the sides of his seat.

“I bet you’ve been waiting to say that.” Jesus smirked.

“I have,” I moaned as he drove two fingers into my ass with one hand and gripped the steering wheel with the other, “but I also (ahhhh!) want to talk to you face-to-face.”

“What is it?” he groaned as my vaginal muscles flexed about his penetrating shaft, “Lucy?”

“No,” I panted as his fingers pressed against his cock from the membrane that separated my two holes, “God!”

“What about her?” he asked.

“Is she…” I trailed off as I felt the quaking in my pelvis begin to climax, “is she…oh fuck!…is God…harder!…is-God-a-slut?!” I managed to scream the question in rapid-fire words, the only way I was going to get that thought out through the rising pleasure.

“I am.” said the angelic voice of God in the passenger seat. I whipped my head around in a flail of wavy-brown hair and stared at the beautiful, blonde deity sitting next to me.

“I’ve always been a slut, Rachel,” God said, her voice apologetic, and her eyes brimmed in shame, “I…I…the way you looked at me Rachel…the way you revered me, loved me unconditionally…I didn’t want to let you down; you only saw the good in me.”

“You’re lying!” I screamed in both pleasure and anger, “Stop testing my faith!”

“I never meant to test your faith,” God said as she leaned over to me, her perfect, tan breasts falling out from her dress, “when we first met, and you saw me covered in cum, that wasn’t me testing you, that was me being careless and stupid.”

“Stop…” I pleaded, my voice shaking with the trembling orgasm building inside me, “no more tests…”

“It’s not a test, Sweetie,” God whispered in my ear as her fingers slid down my spine, “I’m really a slut, and Lucy is really in love with you.”

“Liar!” I sobbed, the orgasm driving my entire body into a convulsing fit.

“I can give you the gift of Sight,” God smiled sadly as her fingers traced past my tail bone and tickled my rim next to Jesus’ invading digits, “and you’ll see everything as I see it. The unfiltered truth.”

God’s fingers pushed into my asshole, joining Jesus’s and stretching my rim beautifully. I cried out as my back fixed into a concave curve, my pale, full breasts jiggling in Jesus’s face, my ass protruding from my skirt, my head flung upward and my face a portrait of sexual intensity. My eyes were wide and writhing, my mouth agape and trembling. I couldn’t hold back anymore, and I belted out a last cathartic shriek of pure ecstasy. The cock driving into my pussy forced one last thrust, and Jesus smashed his tip against my cervix. My clit felt like it was aflame with nerves; every thrust from the messiah had glided his girth along it, sending rapturous bouts of electric glee deep into my nethers. My inner-spot had been tingling with increasing twitches of pleasure, and was now building to a gut-wrenching expansion of euphoria. My ass was aching with felicitous streams of stinging delight, sending my colon into a contracting roar of spasms. The feelings rose in a mosaic of ecstatic glory, and I mouthed a single, breathless, desperate note, before the world went black.

I was naked and floating in nothing. Not a sound could be heard, not a light could be seen.

Rachel? A voice asked me in the darkness.

God? I inquired.

This is the beginning of your universe, God’s voice said as the void began to take light and shape, can you see it, Rachel?

A single, naked baby sat in a sea of darkness. Her head was mostly bald, but a few wisps of blonde hair were beginning to thicken.

That’s me, God said, After I died the last time. Aren’t I adorable?

You died? I asked.

Yes, God said, countless of times. The universe always ends, and then begins anew. Sometimes it’s entropy heat death, but usually, I just fuck it up beyond repair, and put a bullet in my head. Think of it as a reset button.

You KILLED YOURSELF?! I said, unbelievably shocked.

Yeah, God laughed, I know what it says in the bible, but that’s all bullshit. I’ve committed suicide an infinite number of times; the universe dies, and then I’m reborn with a fresh mind, and the knowledge of previous lives. I like to think it makes me wiser, but I usually make the same mistakes a few million times before I figure it out.

I looked at the laughing baby sitting in a void of darkness. She shat herself, looked at the shit, and then threw it and laughed manically.

So…yeah… God said, this is how the universe is for a few billion years. Let’s fast forward, shall we?

The child turned into a blur of rapidly moving limbs, occasionally the brown streak of shit was flung across the empty sky. The motions slowed down, and God had become noticeably bigger. She had a full head of blonde hair, and now bore the stature of a toddler.

So, this is around the age most kids start figuring out basic shapes and colors. God said, Here, I create the building blocks of the universe: atoms and bosons. Just simple electrons, protons and neutrons attracted together by boson fields; easy stuff for a kid. I start with hydrogen (one atom), move to helium (two atoms), then lithium (three atoms,) and so on and so forth. I can count all the way up to one-hundred-and-eighteen, and I’m very proud of myself. The last element is ununoctium, with one-hundred-and-eighteen atoms, and then, I get bored and quit.

The universe fast forwarded again, and the child moved in a blur of growing limbs and lengthening hair. When the image slowed down, God was a child, around the age of seven, with a robe on, and butt-length golden hair. The universe was still dark, but child-God was holding a gleaming ball of amazing light.

So, here, I’m making the first ever star. God said in my mind, I always fuck this up. I’m a child who thinks she’s too smart, and can create a perfect, orderly universe with no problems. Wait for it…

The child collected ununoctium atoms and condensed them into a larger and larger ball. Her expression was one of pride and wonder; her youthful face gleaming in the white light of her creation. The orb that floated before her began to vibrate and convulse in an uneasy, unstable fusion pulse, but she continued to add more and more atoms despite it. Once the star was trembling with power, she stopped, licked her lips, and then gently, ever so carefully, added one more atom. And then the universe exploded in a nuclear blast of white light, and trillions upon trillions of stars dotted the horizon. The child was blown on to her ass, looked at the mess she made and screamed: “not again!”

And that’s the Big Bang, Rachel. God said, Every. Fucking. Time. I just can’t help but add that last ununoctium atom. Anyways, the stars are born, some large with heavy atoms, some small, like the sun, with lighter atoms. This is about…fourteen billion years ago, I think. Let’s move on.

The image fast forwarded again, and God was around ten years old. She was in a t-shirt and jeans now, and the universe was much more colorful than it had been before. In her hands, were what looked like simple, plastic toys.

This is when shit gets interesting, God said, here, is where I start creating life.

You’re just putting playing with K’Nex. I responded.

Those are nucleic acids, God replied, I’m creating a DNA strand. Look what I made!

A single, green blob of wavering shape bobbed up and down in the void.

What is it? I asked.

A single-celled organism! God said proudly, A little less complex than bacteria, but I’m getting there!

It’s uh… I trailed off, It’s beautiful…

Hey, I was only nine billion years old, so cut me some slack! God said indignantly, We’ll just zoom past all the rest of this here…aaaaaaaand stop. So, before you look, just remember that this was my preteen era, and I was…angsty.

God was now around twelve years old. Her head was buzzed on one side, her hair was died black, and she was wearing very androgynous eye liner. She was moping around, saying “nothing means anything,” and “this is all stupid,” all the while, sending asteroids into planets and causing supernovas next to solar systems.

I hit my grunge years pretty hard, God sighed, I was looking for an identity, and needed someone to bounce my new feelings off of. So, I created a sister.

Twelve-year-old God muttered something, and then began concocting a series of nucleic acids and carbon atoms. In a blur of arms and hands, a shape began to take form, and then it began to move. Twelve-year-old Lucy stood before me, her skin red, her youthful face baring none of the makeup she usually wore, and her horns poking from a mane of wavy, black hair.

“Hey God,” Lucy smiled warmly at preteen God, “I was wondering when you’d get around to making me again.”

“I thought I could do it all on my own,” preteen God said, “last time, you ended the entire universe in a drunken rage. I shouldn’t keep bringing you back, you only cause me problems, but-”

“…but you get lonely,” Lucy said, smiling warmly, “and you need your sister.”

“Do you think we should make humans again?” preteen God asked Lucy, “They always cause problems. I think we should just make Klingons, Ewoks and Salarians, and then see what to do from there.”

“No, no, no,” Lucy smiled, “you know the deal: if you make me, you have to make humans. C’mon, God; they’re your favorites.”

“Fine,” God grumbled, “but first, I’m making some fucking dinosaurs.”

“No more fucking dinosaurs!”

“Lucy, I swear they’ll pan out this time. They’ll be in jets and watching youtube in no time, you’ll see.”

“They’re stupid reptiles with feathers, God. They don’t do anything but…”

So that’s how I created Lucy in this universe, God said, and I always do. There was never a ‘first’ universe, but as far back as I can remember, Lucy has always been with me. She never found love, Rachel, though she never actually looked for it either. You are the first person she’s ever fallen for.

What the fuck… I said, my voice fading.

Let’s move on. God said, ignoring my dismayed existential dread.

The universe whirled in shapes and colors, and then stopped to reveal the most beautiful image I’d ever seen. Immense, puffing clouds towered above a pristine lake, their darkened bottoms lined with brilliant, silver sunlight. Massive pine trees dotted the domes of rolling hills, and a trickling waterfall parted a stone palace in two. In one of the rooms of the palace, mid-teen God was combing her beautiful blonde hair. Her body was nubile and young, not baring the curves it would, but incredibly attractive nonetheless. She was sitting in a chair, wearing a simple, white dress that covered her up in a conservative fashion, and her feet were clothed in wired sandals.

Is this heaven? I asked her.

It is, God said, My little resort for people who don’t fuck everything up.

Where’s Lucy? I asked.

Oh, you’ll see, God chuckled, Things are about to get hot and heavy, Rachel. This is where we lose our virginity…again.

There was a knock on the door, and God turned around.

“Come in, Lucy.” God called.

Lucy entered the room, looking every bit the woman she was now. She didn’t have on her black boots, corset and fishnet stockings, but she did wear the black lipstick and eyeliner she’d have on for the rest of her existence in this universe. Replacing her usual clothing was…nothing at all. She was buck naked, and in all her crimson glory. Her breasts were large and perfectly formed, her thighs thick and supple, her ass firm, yet undeniably full. Her torso was lined with the hint of muscle, and her pelvis formed to angles that led to her trimmed mound.

“Lucy,” God said, “we’re not doing this again.”

“Yeah, we are.” Lucy giggled.

“I’m staying celibate for this cycle,” God replied curtly, “I need to focus on my work. This time, humans are just gonna appear; none of that evolving-from-monkey bullshit that always causes so many problems.”

“Let them evolve,” Lucy said as she sauntered sultrily over to God, “they’re more fun when they still have their animal instincts.”

“Lucy, I will put you in a cage for a billion years, I swear it!” God yelled, though without conviction.

“Mmmm, you tried that fifty cycles ago,” Lucy said merrily, placing her hands on God’s shoulders, “and you let me out after a million because you were just too damn horny.”

“We just need to get through our teen years, and we’ll be fine.” God said, not brushing off Lucy’s hands, “it’s just hormones, Lucy; we can control them.”

“What’s the fun in that?” Lucy whispered in God’s ear, “you make the perfect universe, and then what?”

“And then maybe I don’t have to blow my brains out when everything goes to shit.” God said.

“It’s the journey, not the destination,” Lucy whispered again, her hands now sliding over God’s shoulders and tracing her collar bone, “even if you do make it perfectly, to what end do you make it?”

It was in this moment that I realized why God was the way she was. She can’t really die, and she’s trapped in endless cycle of trying to perfect the same thing over and over again. It sounded like hell.

It’s not bad, God cut in to my train of thought, I exist without the perception of time, Rachel. Mortals count the years, days and minutes, but I don’t count time at all. It’s just…there. I am, and I will always be. Watch, Rachel; if there is a meaning to existence, it is this. Enjoying someone else intimately, becoming so close with someone, that you’re almost the same person.

“I…I don’t know to what end!” God yelled at Lucy, tears forming in her eyes, “I don’t know why I’m here, or why I do what I do! I don’t have a god to give me answers!”

“You have me,” Lucy said, her hands now traveling down the sides of God’s breasts, “and I can tell you right now what the meaning of this all is: nothing. There is no meaning. The universe is what we make of it, so let’s make love.”

“That was pretty smooth,” God conceded with a tearful smile, “how long have you been practicing that?”

“I’m pretty sure I used it during your last existential crisis, maybe…five million cycles ago? It’s hard to tell.”

“You know if we do this, I’m just going to end up like I always do.” God said.

“Fun?” Lucy laughed, “Adventurous? Oh, no!”

“A slut,” God said, “I can’t control myself once I get a taste.”

“So what?” Lucy laughed, her hands now traveling down God’s stomach, “I can’t either, to be honest. I just hide it better than you. If you want, God, I can relieve you of your guilt, and just take you by force.”

“But it’s just me pretending to get raped,” God sighed, “it won’t mean anything really.”

“You sure enjoy it later,” Lucy said, “you always do.”

“Let’s just…be tender with each other this time.” God smiled up.

“You know I always turn into a sadist, and you a masochist,” Lucy smirked, “but for now, we can just be two teenage girls, exploring each other’s bodies in an innocent, rom-com sort of way.”

God smiled again, and Lucy smiled back. Lucy leaned her head forward as God tilted hers back, and their lips came together in an apprehensive, timid kiss that only virgin teenagers can make look good. Lucy’s hands traveled further and further down God’s dress, and God reached down with one hand while the other brought Lucy’s head deeper into the kiss with an entangling of black hair and fingers. God brought up her dress, pulling it passed her thick, teen thighs and exposing the hairless slit between them. Lucy eyed her prize as she sucked God’s mouth, and teasingly walked both her hands along the creases of God’s tan pelvis. Her fingers flattened against God’s lower abdomen, and then slid down.

God muffled a moan from the kiss. Lucy’s fingers splayed out over God’s slit, and then began to curl at the knuckles. The tendons in God’s neck stood up in an intense straining moan, and the blood of her chastity flowed from between Lucy’s penetrating fingers. The muscles in God’s neck continued to flex for a moment, and then relaxed in acceptance. I could see the change come over her almost immediately. Her legs, which before were barely parted, spread wide across the chair she was sitting in. Her free hand pushed the straps of her dress off her shoulders, and exposed the ample, tan breasts that were hidden. God’s back arched from the chair, a lecherous tone permeating from her occupied mouth as her kiss became more impassioned. She took her hand from Lucy’s hair, and the one that was removing her clothing, and pushed Lucy’s invading fingers deeper inside. Lucy’s kissing mouth parted from God’s to reveal a devilish grin, and God returned it with the warm, loving smile she was famous for. They stared at each other, their eyes locked in a loving gaze, their hands held back-to-front, both pushing forward to deepen God’s pleasure.

“Oh, shit,” God said with a small vocal fry, “it happened again.”

“It always does,” Lucy smiled back, “my little, omnipotent slut.”

“You ruined me,” God said, but with no malice, “this cycle is doomed.”

“They all are,” Lucy sniggered, “we’re born, we make a mess, we die, and we do it all over again. And God,” Lucy smiled as she lowered her lips for another kiss, “we’ll keep doing it this way forever, because it’s the best thing there is.”

“Fuck me, Lucy,” God whispered, “making love is boring as shit.”

I’m down to keep watching if you are. God said in my mind.

I think I’ve seen enough. I replied.

You sure? God asked, Because Lucy’s got a whole chest full of whips and chains hidden behind that door-

Let’s go back.

The visions of The Sight disappeared, and I was straddled across Jesus’ lap with the last echoes of my orgasm burning inside me. Jesus was staring at me with an inquisitive expression, one of his hands still pushing three fingers in my ass, the other gripping my left breast tightly.

“Stop the car, Jesus,” I said as he ran over Adolf Hitler, “I’m getting the fuck out of here.”

The Enzo came to a screeching halt, and I jumped out of the car and onto the sidewalk. God said something to Jesus, and then she came out of the passenger’s seat, and Jesus sped away.

“Sorry I ruined your date,” God said bashfully, “though, he kind of ruined it for you.”

“What the fuck is all this?” I asked God, “Why is there even a heaven or hell? How can you judge people for their decisions, when you’re as flawed, if not more flawed, than most of them?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, Rachel,” God said, “hell isn’t even bad. It’s where ‘bad’ people feel the most comfortable, so that’s where we put them. Mormons and serial murderers usually don’t get along on earth, so why would I stick them together in the afterlife? I don’t judge any of my children.”

“And these tests you’re making me do?” I said, getting more and more angry, “Was Jesus right about them? Are they just because you and Lucy are fucking bored?!”

“Well…” God trailed off, “yeah, that’s basically it.”

“And all of this,” I said, gesturing to hell, but meaning the entire universe, “will go to shit, and you’ll put a bullet in your brain and start all over?!”

“Yup,” God replied, “that’s probably…most definitely how this universe will end. Humanity’s on a trajectory to make A.I in the next fifty years, and believe me Honey, it doesn’t end well. Robots take over the universe, I get bored, I start over.”

“Do you even care?!” I screamed, “Do you give a single shit about any of us?!” I gestured to the only person around, which happened to be Hitler, but I think I got my point across.

“Of course, I care,” God said, tears welling in her eyes, “if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t bother. But I do the same thing, cycle after cycle. Humans, always humans, the people I created in my own image. Endless iterations of the same thing, because I love you all too much to stop.”

I stared blankly at the crying God. Tears streaked down her cheeks as she stood there, her hands folded below her waist, her head bowed in shame.

“Is there no meaning to anything?” I said, my voice hoarse, and whispering.

“There is no meaning, except the meaning you make.” God said, her voice sobbing. “I don’t want there to be misery and agony in the universe, but happiness means nothing without them. I don’t want there to be evil, but good means nothing without it. I give you free will, because choice means nothing without it. I give you death, because life means nothing without it. I wish I knew the equation that makes everything perfect, Rachel, but there is no such thing as perfection. I’ve sought perfection for countless of cycles, but there can be no perfection without imperfection, and that is a paradox that I cannot solve!”

Tears were now forming in my own eyes. Nothing meant anything, the things I valued were all a lie, and God was a suicidal manic-depressant with a serious sex addiction.

But…could I judge her like that? If you never really die, can you be suicidal? If time means nothing to you, can you even be judged by psychological standards? Isn’t every problem the human mind has, inevitably linked to the knowledge of death? Of an end you hope will not really be the end, but deep down, you know it is? But it’s not the end. I know it, but all those billions of people up there, living everyday with the shadow of death hovering over them, they don’t know it’s not the end. They’re killing each other, stealing from each other, ruining everything in a vain attempt to collect the best possible life they can in the limited time they have, all because they don’t know it’s not the end.

“Why don’t you tell them?” I asked God, “Why do you keep yourself hidden from the living, save for a select few?”

“Because of life, Rachel,” God said, this time smiling between her tears, “because nothing in the afterlife is sweeter than life itself. Sometimes, I wipe my brain, and live a full human life. I reach heights I could never imagine, and lows that break me to pieces. Life means nothing without the end. Humanity strives to be great because everyone is desperately trying to squeeze every ounce of life from their existence. I could never deny my children such a gift.”

“But it all means nothing,” I whispered, “it all ends the same.”

“Nothing is everything, Rachel,” God replied, stepping toward me, “didn’t you hear me before? If there is no nothing, then there is no something. A painting is only beautiful if light clashes with dark. The absence of nothing, is nothing, Rachel. You need nothing, to have something.”

“I’m not high enough for this,” I said, feeling the world spin as I stepped back, “I think I’m gonna…”

LUCIFER

“Congratulations, God, you mind-fucked Rachel.” I said as we looked at the woman I loved lying in the hospital bed.

“I totally did,” God laughed, “it was definitely too much for her to handle.”

“This is the second time in two days we almost killed her soul,” I frowned, “we should wipe her memory and send her back to earth.”

“How could I do that to you?” God asked me, “When you’ve finally found someone after all eternity?”

“It’s not like she’s going anywhere,” I said, “she’ll grow old and die in seventy years or so, and then she’ll be back here.”

“Mmmm,” God hummed, “she’ll probably be up there; remember how Rachel was when she first came down here.”

“I’ll just throw some temptation in her life,” I smiled at God, “a lesbian nun, a hot coke-dealer, the usual shit. She comes down here, you give her back her memories, and…”

“…she resents both of us for eternity,” God said, “I’m sorry, Lucy, but I think I really fucked this up. I’m not a great wingman.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it,” I sighed, “we still have each other. I was hoping to make it a trio though.”

“She was so hot as a hermaphrodite,” God said, her eyes gleaming as she remembered her sodomy, “I thought she might’ve stayed in that form; she loved it.”

“She was going to be the mistress of the demons in that cell,” I laughed, “what a crazy bitch.”

“She would’ve had the entire ASU class of 2021 as her slaves if she had her way,” God laughed, “with her brother as her concubine.”

“Well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be,” I frowned, “just wipe her clean, and send her on her way.”

“You sure?” God asked.

“Yeah,” I replied, biting back tears, “let her go.”

“I think,” Rachel’s voice said to us as her eyes peered open, “I should get a say in all of this.”

“Sorry Babe, but you’ve seen too much. Just stare at this metal flashing thing, and everything will be alright.” I chuckled.

“Was that a Men in Black reference?” Rachel smiled painfully as she sat up, “Do you still listen to Nirvana, and have a dial-up connection?”

“Cultural references get lost on me,” I smiled down at her, “that’s what happens when you live forever.”

“I bet you’re about ready to get out of here,” God said to Rachel, “you want to go home?”

“How can I?” Rachel asked, “After everything, how can I not finish what I started?”

“It doesn’t mean anything.” God said, “it’s like you said, Rachel.”

“You’re right, it means nothing,” Rachel smiled, “but nothing is everything, isn’t it?”

“Are you being a smartass?” God smirked, “Because that’ll get you a one-way ticket to hell.”

“Perfect,” Rachel said, and then leveled her gaze at me, “I have a date there.”

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