Lust in Translation, (or Playboy and the Slime God).
Introduction:
On the forum, there is the “Calling All Writers” (CAW) challenge. Its a writing contest, for CAW 24 the theme was “An affair to remember.” I didn’t enter this, but it was inspired by the discussion about the competition.
“also can it have a sci fi mystery or alien romance theme? after all I am strange”
My response was:
“How about treaty negotiations between the <insert name here> alien race and the humans. The final treaty has to be consummated by sex between an alien and a human. For extra points, tell it from both human and alien points of view.
BTW: This is not an entirely original idea.”
I had to try this one.
—
The president stared at the webpage, its oversaturated blue colour hurt his eyes, but it was the video which was just confusing and made his headache. How did they do that? He looked at his briefing papers for reference, the diagram of the alien female. If he squinted, you might mistake them for normal people, in a dark alley, during a power outage. Everything was just in the wrong place, and he really didn’t want to think of the function of that orifice, just next to their reproductive orifice.
He turned to his chief science advisor. “Are you totally sure this is how they do it?”
“The linguists are positive mr President. They studied the body language in minute detail, it was said as if it were the most normal activity. They’ll be mightily offended if we don’t do it their way.”
“He really said, ‘its consummated with a fuck on live TV, your president and our president’?”
“That’s exactly what he said mr President.”
“And we’ve confirmed that that’s what he meant?”
“We asked most politely for clarification, and that is what he meant. He seemed perturbed by the question. We don’t want to sabotage the negotiations, so we just moved politely onto the logistics of the act.”
“This isn’t going to kill me or maybe worse, kill her?”
“All the data shows we are extremely compatible. We evolved from he same basic amino acids as they did, our foods are compatible. We would even classify them as mammals if we didn’t know they’re alien. They give birth to live young, and they suckle them, they even have vestigial body hair. Our measurements indicate that our sex organs are of compatible size.”
The president flinched at the mention of sex organs, it was his balls on the line here. Rather too literally for his liking.
“So how is this going to go down?”
“Page five of the briefing paper has the outline of the event. You will enter from opposite sides of the stage, you will be naked to start with. You will meet on the bed at center stage, and there you will perform the copulation.”
“How the hell am I supposed to fuck an alien, her places are not in the right places.”
“The briefing document pages 20 through 30 covers suggestions on how to proceed. Our anthropologists have been studying their rituals and customs. There is a large amount of source material for that, their pornography industry is surprisingly advanced. We can see several ways in which you might be able to mate with their president. We have suggestions for foreplay, the anthropologists are suggesting it is still customary for their males to take the lead in copulation. However, don’t be surprised if she gives you direction instead. I’m sure you can handle it, sir.”
The president was now questioning why he got into politics in the first place. He could have been a simple farmer just like his father. He carried on studying the briefing paper.
—
Down on the planet, President Rowena Powell was having similar thoughts. She looked at the orange tinted cover of her most treasured possession. “Playboy and the Slime God” it proclaimed, even above the name, “Amazing”, of the magazine. Her uncle Isaac had bought it for her when she was ten, it was already an antique then. It had sparked a young girls interest in science and it had put her on the path which after a couple of strange turns brought here here. To be fucked by an alien.
She wanted to know there was no misunderstanding, like the hapless Botax (the alien protagonist in the title story) had had. She called that being the slime god.
“We’re totally 100% positive that this is their custom, they’re not the slime god here?”
“They told us about it in the sixth form. They were very definite about how this was to happen, madam president” The alien language had multiple forms, each form was used in a different way to communicate shades of meaning. The sixth form was ultra polite, it also conveyed the message, ‘if you don’t agree, we’ll nuke you’, so no mistaking their intent.
The language forms the aliens used also made it almost impossible to put a name to them, they themselves called themselves several things including “Baorn”, “Oeblae” and “Rohazee”. Baorn was sixth form, Rohazee was third, much less formal. If you used the wrong one in the wrong circumstances you could start a war, or worse. Most of the time they were referred to “our friends from space”, or just “friends”. There were a lot of less polite words for them in common currency as well.
“So how does their anatomy work again?”
“They’re in transition from quadrupedal to bipedal, not unlike a gorilla. The head analog is not fully articulated, more of a hump. There are several eyes and a mouth. The mouth is only used for feeding, not for respiration. Respiration and speech uses the posterior orifice.”
“You mean they talk through their but?”
“Exactly.”
“They must be good politicians.”
The science advisor suppressed a chuckle, but continued. “The mouth also doubles as the sex organs though. The tongue is also a penis.”
“The male fucks by going down on the female? Sounds good to me.” Said the president with a giggle.
“Actually madam president, the female’s sexual organs are also in her mouth. Copulation is more like french kissing. There is some reference to oral sex, that might be more what you were referring to madam president. Though given the difference in the positions of their mouth and the human vagina, it might look different.”
“Like he’s kissing her butt?”
“Precisely madam president.”
—
Rowena walked hesitantly onto the stage, she felt naked. She was naked, but it felt worse than that. Across the stage was the alien president, he did look like a headless humpback gorilla from this angle. Getting closer she could see that he was hairless, his skin was dark and looked more like a grained leather jacket. That was more or less as expected, their sun flooded their planet with much more UV light than earth, a tougher skin was necessary for survival.
Even closer she could see the eyes around the sensory hump. On their planet, they were much more heavily shielded against sunlight, with multiple eyelids. To the alien, even a well lit TV studio was dark, so all the eyes were fully open, several of them were staring at her.
Finally they were within touching distance, the alien spoke, to Rowena, it sounded like a fart. The translation was relayed to her ear bug, “I’m very pleased to meet you madam president.”
Rowena started her prepared speech, “I’m pleased, …” but didn’t get to finish. The alien reached around and hugged her, and kissed her. The hug felt like the alien was wearing an exquisitely soft leather jacket, leather wasn’t Rowena’s fetish, but at this rate she thought she might change her mind. The hug was very sensual. She reached around and hugged back, she could feel the light coating of hair she expected to find.
The kiss was also quite a turn on, the alien’s tongue slipped into her mouth. Of course, it was also his penis and it was erect, she tried to french him, but she found herself giving him a blowjob. Meanwhile the alien’s other tongues, there were three smaller tongues arrayed around the main tongue, they also joined in. It was really erotic for Rowena.
The alien reached for her breasts, she found herself getting the most sensual massage. It felt like hands clad in the softest calfskin gloves. The alien maneuvered her to sit on the bed, then moved his mouth down to her breast. The prehensile tongue/penis again performed a most sensual massage of her breasts. She lay back on the bed and moaned softly.
Rowena was barely capable of rational thought at that moment, but one thought she had was that these aliens had a future tending to earth women like this. She’d be tempted to sign up for this again. The alien kissed down her stomach, arriving at her pussy. The alien’s tongue probed, he was good at this, a natural Rowena though. She sighed and moaned some more, louder this time.
She felt the alien’s tongue/penis pushing at her entrance. Simultaneously, the three smaller tongues licked at her clit and pussy lips. The effect was too much for Rowena, she came, her moans became screams and she trashed around on the bed. The alien raised his buttocks high, and trumpeted a triumphant bellow, it still sounding like a very loud fart. Then he came inside her.
—
At the very recently and rapidly constituted bureau of alien affairs, Mark Watson was a computational linguist. He was part of the team which had built the translator the negotiations had relied on. He was troubled.
As he was discussing his concerns with is boss, the TV was playing the coupling of the presidents in the background. It was being broadcast around the world. “So you know about the various forms of our friends’ language.”
“Uh huh.”
“I was looking over the translation map, I noticed the third and fifth forms cluster very closely in the output space. That would means word in the third and fifth forms can be easily confused. This is a phenomena our friends have noticed themselves. They call them ‘third form jokes’. Something like our puns, but more subtle. The third form tends to express cruder concepts, so if you change a fifth form word to a third form word in a sentence you can end up with a dirty joke pun.”
“That could make life difficult, can we alter the topology of the map to increase the separation of the forms?”
“That was what I was thinking we want to do, but I was examining the output and I think we’ve been translating ‘handshake’ as ‘fuck’ by mistake.” They both looked over to the action on the screen.
