My Life: Past To Present

i guess the things going though my mind are really fucked up feelings. i dont know how to trust myself much less another
person. i ask myself over and over whats wrong with me and where is all this hurt and anger coming from? truth is i’ve
known all along, its all the lies and secrets ive kept buried deep inside of myself thinking that its a way of
protecting myself and the people i love. well its time to let it all out no more hiding no more running its time
to face my problems here and now.

Truth is i have a problem telling the truth I only know how to lie. I’ve lied to my friends and family, I’ve lied to
people i don’t even know just so i could money or food from them, fucked up i know. I don’t know who I am and I
never really did. I used to be really big into the gaming world and being a real loser. My mom has supported
me all my life even now at the age of 22 she’s still supporting me. Time and time again she’s told me, Dustin you
need to get a job and do something with your life and you’ll start to feel better about yourself. I’ve had a few
here and there but nothing i enjoyed and quit about 3 months later.

Today I’ve come to realize that mom’s not going to be there with me forever, I need to take the steps in life
to become a strong independent man. The man that I’m supposed to be, no more relying on others to take care
of me and support me, its time for Dustin to support himself. I admit I’m an asshole and real piece of shit
for not coming to my senses sooner and relying on other people to take care of me, and i have no reasonable
excuses for that shit it was just me being lazy.

I’ve had two relationships in my life thus far, one serious the second not so much. The first one was with
Mary, she was my first true love and god was she beautiful and such a sweet person. I lucked into her, she was
a senior in high school and I was a junior. I had just started nineth grade in what i called the bad kids school
but really it was an alternative school for kids with emotional problems. Thats where I met her, she was in a
childrens home and had been since she was thirteen because her mom could no longer take care of her due to drugs.
I had been in her shoes before i had been in and out of mental hospitals and juvenile detention centers and
childrens homes before, in fact i had been in the same one as her before. That will come in a little later.

I fell in love with mary immediately, i was 14 about to be 15 but at that moment when i first laid eyes on her
i knew instantly what love was. It was about a month later on a field trip that i got the courage up to go talk
to her and we hit it off right off the bat. On the bus ride back to school we were sitting next to each other
when i asked Mary to be my girlfriend and she said yes without any hesitation. From there things were great for
about the first year, i had a job at McDonalds and lived back at home with my mom and her boyfriend. I would meet
Mary every sunday at the park not to far from the childrens home and spend about 4 hours with her and it was always
amazing.

Well about thirteen months into the relationship i became suicidal and ended up in the hospital again and Mary
wrote to me constantly letting me know how much she loved me and how much she missed me. When i got out of the
hospital i was still an angry mess but tried to make it work with Mary, after all she had done nothing wrong
it was all me and the things that had happened to me in my youth and it was still affecting me 7 years later.
Mary was my queen, she was perfect in my mind and i was just a fucked up mess that didn’t deserve her or her love.
During the next year we broke up and got back together several times because i was still in love with her and to be
honest I still am. Then it was back to the hospital for the same reason but something happened while i was there, my
favorite teacher passed away from breast cancer and that fucking hurt like hell. Mrs. Mullen was 39 years old when she
passed away and she was the one person i trusted most in my life because she took her time to get to know me and she
understood the person I was when even i didn’t know. I attended her memorial service but i just couldn’t watch them
lower that amazing kind hearted woman into the cold hard ground. That was in May of 2008 and the begining of a hard year
for me, I finally ended with Mary for good i was to afraid i would lose the love of my life to something like that too.

For two weeks i stayed in my bedroom and was just an emotional wreck, just a month earlier i lost a great teacher and
friend, then ended with my beautiful girlfriend out of fear of losing her too. During that entire summer i would ride my
bmx bike an average of 10 miles a day, five miles from home then five miles back and would think of Mrs. Mullen and would
wonder what Mary was doing and if she was thinking about me. I also dropped out of school that summer, I couldn’t go back
to that school and see someone else sitting in my teachers old desk because i was so close to her that it would just hurt.

On August 31st 2008, I lost someone else i was extremely close to, he was my best friend and he stood by me no matter what
I was facing. I was sitting at home playing around on my computer when I got a text message from my older sister telling
me that Devon had been killed in a car crash at 8 that night. I was crushed, here i thought it was going to be my girlfriend
that i lost but instead it was my best friend. I found the article the next day on the local news papers website and it was
indeed true my best friend was confirmed dead at 10:30 pm on August 31st 2008, he didn’t suffer though he was killed
instantly. I was ready at that point to move away and put that part of my life behind me but to be honest I still see the
images from the paper in my mind and think of him.

14 years ago was the start of all the trama in my life when i first met my dad. At first he was really cool and at eight
years old the only thought I had was, I was gonna have my daddy back in my life for good. How fucking wrong i was! That
man was an even bigger piece of shit then what my mom told my sister and I. That second week with hime was by far the
longest week of my life, it started with him drinking and bring hookers home the first two days. Then he was drinking even
heavier and screaming at my siter and I until he was so drunk that he finally passed out. Then that final weekend with
him is forever burned into to memory, that was the weekend of the abuse. Saturday night he came home and screamed and yelled
at me telling me at 8 years old I was a worthless piece of shit and proceeded to toss me acrossed the room where my head
hit a cement beam in the middle of his appartment. I wasn’t knocked unconcious right away but the pain he caused me next did
make me finally pass out, my dad proceeded to kick me over and over again in the back with steel toed boots and thats the
last thing i remembered until i woke up in my sisters arms the next morning still laying on the floor.

Thats when the hospitalizations and juvenile detention started with me and it just kept getting worse as i got older as well
as my older sister, we both rebelled in our own ways. My sister got on drugs and shit happened and we both ended up in
the same childrens home. we were there together for six or eight months then i was put in the hospital again at age 11
because i missed my mom and wanted to go home. From there i passed from one placement to the next before i finally ended
up in foster care in which one i was sexually assaulted and then went to two others befor they finally let my mom have me
back. For two years i was bounced between 12 different places my head getting even more fucked up before they let me come
home to my family.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes since then, I tried the “Party life” from age 17 to 19 then realized it just wasn’t for me. Then
i left home for six months and hitch hiked across the U.S. I’ve been in every state except Alaska and HaWaii. Then i came
just to leave again and so on until i turned 20. I stayed home for almost two years before going to truck driving school
and fucking that up due to a dislocated shoulder. I put myself in a lot of danger before i finally came home.

Today is the first day that i finally realized it was time to stop living in the past and start living in the present.
I’m going to find a job starting this week while studying to obtain my G.E.D so i can go to school to work on computers.
I wish i still had Mary by my side but you need more than love to survive in this world, so for now I’m going to focus on
me and straightren my life out and finally start my life. Maybe make some friends along the way, while I learn who I really
am what i want in life. I hope to make my mom and family proud, specially my dad, 12 years ago he passed away, and 3 months
ago i finally forgave him for the abuse, I just want to make him proud.