One Fine Day
Introduction:
A day in the life of serial impregnator. Dialog only.
“Yes it is.”
“My I ask you a quick question?”
“You’re not a Jehovah’s Witness, are you?”
“No I’m not.
“Then what’s your question?”
“Would you consider having my baby?”
“What did you say?”
“I said–”
“I heard what you said. Are you crazy?”
“Not that I know of.”
“You can take my word for it. You belong in a loony bin.”
“I assure you I’m quite harmless.”
“I’m not so sure about that. I’m warning you. I’m proficient in two types of martial arts. I also have pepper spray and a scream that’ll curdle your blood if you so much as lay a hand on me.”
“I’ll remember that. Then may I assume that you’re not interested in having my baby?”
“You have that right.”
“Well, as the saying goes, the selling begins after the customer says no.”
“You mean you’re not through?”
“I’ve just begun. I’m certain I can convince you that having my baby is a perfectly good idea.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Are you married? I can understand it if you think that your husband might object.”
“I’m divorced.”
“Do you have any children from this prior union? They may like a little brother or sister.”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Do you have any romantic prospects?”
“I’ve sworn off men for a while.”
“Well then, I think I’ve come along just in the nick of time.”
“You mean you’re my white knight and you’ve come to save me from a childless future?”
“That’s it exactly! Have your children while you’re young enough to enjoy them and to heck with the sperm donor.”
“Even if I bought your argument, why would I choose you to be my…sperm donor?”
“Why not?”
“I can think of a thousand reasons. For one thing, I don’t even know your name.”
“Clark Kent Smith at your service. I can see your skeptical smile but it’s true. My father is a Superman comics fan. My sister was christened Lois Lane Smith. She continued the joke be marrying a guy named Perry White. And who do I have the honor of addressing?”
“My name is Donna Ferguson.”
“It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Donna. It’s always good to know the name of my future child’s mother.”
“You seem to have forgotten that I have 999 other reasons for refusing you, Clark.”
“Hang the reasons, Donna. Haven’t you ever had a one-night stand?”
“Well, yes but I blame that on the fact that I wasn’t thinking too clearly at the time.”
“That’s exactly my point. The nightclub was most probably overcrowded and filled with stale smoke. The music was too loud. The fellow that you just met that evening kept plying you with alcoholic drinks and offering to escort you home. The next thing you knew you woke up with a splitting headache. The fellow was lying beside you and he wasn’t nearly as handsome and charming that you thought he was when you were boozed up. Am I right or am I wrong?”
“You’re pretty much right but I did regret those times. That counts for something, doesn’t it?”
“I suppose so.”
“Besides, if I’m going to have a guy’s baby, I want to be married to him or at least have known him for more than five minutes.”
“So you want commitment. Is that it?”
“That’s it exactly, as you would put it.”
“So eventually you’ll go back into the dating scene and hope for the best. In the meantime your parents will be constantly asking you about when you’re going to give them a grandchild and stuff like ‘why couldn’t you have had a baby when you were married to what’s-his-name.’”
“That’s scary. It’s almost like you’ve been eavesdropping on the conversations my parents have been having with me.”
“Of course they’re worried about whether they’ll have any grandchildren to dote on before they get too old to enjoy them.”
“So has anyone fallen for this pickup line of yours?”
“I don’t consider it a pickup line, Donna. When a man sees a woman he finds extremely attractive the first thing he wants to do is make children with her. I find the direct approach saves a lot of time, effort and deception for both me and my prospective mate.
“The women I’ve met have invariably reacted like you but they come to appreciate my honest approach. Not a few of them had already been thinking about becoming single mothers without the extra marital duties and obligations that comes from having a husband.”
“I’ve read about women deciding to do that but I don’t think I could. I’d be too scared.”
“Single motherhood has been happening since the dawn of time. It will continue to happen as long as mankind exists. I have a feeling you could manage it successfully.”
“You do, huh? Well, this is where I live. Uh, you wouldn’t want to come in for a drink, would you? I mean I’m not inviting you in because I want you to do what you want to do but I’m kind of interested in hearing more about these other women, you know?”
“I’d be more than happy to visit with you, Donna. Perhaps I’ll be able to convince you to change your mind.”
“I doubt that but you can try. What would you like to drink?”
“I’ll have what you’re having. Your home is nicely decorated.”
“Thank you. Well?”
“Well what?”
“I thought you’d start trying to seduce me the moment we got through the door.”
“Well, I probably would have kissed you by now but I haven’t forgotten about the two types of martial arts, the pepper spray and the blood-curdling scream.”
“I don’t know any martial arts and I don’t have any pepper spray. I promise not to scream as long as you behave.”
“I’ll try to behave.”
“Oh, Clark. That was the nicest kiss I can ever remember. Are you married?”
“I was married once. We had a disagreement about children. I wanted them and she didn’t. We divorced soon after and I swore I’d never get married again.”
“That’s too bad. If you were my husband I’d give you as many children as you could handle.”
“I’d like to give you as many children as you can handle, Donna but I’m not going to marry you.”
“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation and that I’m actually…considering it. I’m pretty regular with my periods and I’m positive I’m right in the middle of my cycle.”
“I knew that.”
“You did? How did you know?”
“It’s said that a woman is at her sexiest when she is at optimum fertility. I can’t believe you could be any sexier than you are right now. Therefore you must be fertile.”
“I think you’re quite a bullshitter, Clark, but a nice bullshitter.”
“On the contrary, I’m being completely honest with you.”
“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. It’s just that I’m kind of nervous. I hope you understand.”
“I understand completely.”
“You don’t have any insanity in your family, do you?”
“You mean besides my father’s Superman fetish and my own pregnancy fetish? I don’t think so. I’m also physically healthy and don’t have any sexually transmittable diseases. What about yourself?”
“I’m clean too.”
“Then what are we waiting for?”
“This is so quick. I think I need another drink, to build up my courage?”
“I want you to be thinking clearly, darling. Are you sure you want another drink?”
“No, I think I want you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right.”
“Of course everything will be all right, darling.”
“I like it when you call me darling. You’ve made a sale, Clark. Am I the easiest woman you’ve ever met or what?”
“Actually, you’re one of my tougher customers. Shall we retire to the bedroom?”
“I wish I would have shaved my legs and underarms this morning. I feel positively hairy but I never dreamed this could be happening.”
“You look absolutely lovely, Donna. Let’s make a baby, shall we?”
“Oh yes, Clark. Take me and give me a baby but first tell me you love me even if you don’t mean it.”
“I do love you, darling, and I mean every word of it.”
“It’s been so long since I’ve felt a real dick inside me. It feels good.”
“Sorry it doesn’t vibrate.”
“Very funny. Shut up and fuck me. Oh, yes! That’s the way I like it. I’m cumming.”
“I’m right behind you, darling. I’m giving you a baby right…now!”
“That was wonderful, Clark. I felt something that I’ve never felt before…it was different. I feel sure I’ve conceived.”
“I’m sure you have but we’ve got to make sure. I’m going to fill you up as many times as it takes to get a positive result on your pregnancy test.”
“You’re welcome to come back as many times as you like, Clark. I love you.”
“I’ll be back often, Donna but now I have to run. I’m already late for an appointment.”
“Another one of your conquests?”
“This type of thing doesn’t happen every day, dearest. But when it does I drop everything; just like I did when I met you on your morning walk.”
“I was just teasing. I feel very special, actually. Come back soon.”
“I will, darling. See you soon.”
*
“Good afternoon, madam! It’s a wonderful day, isn’t it?”
