by RITA SKEETER

photos by A. KINETIC

The Daily Prophet

HOGWARTS- Despite the forced forecast of sunny skies and mild temperature about the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch today, there was a definite storm of rampant hormones and burning excitement.

The event causing the ruckus – the now infamous “Naked Quidditch Match”- or more commonly, the house game between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Of course, contrary to initial speculation, only the Gryffindor house was in the buff, due to the foolish gambling of Co-Captains Fred and George Weasley. Neither of which Weasley boy presently enjoys much popularity with their teammates, rumor has it.
“We didn’t think we could lose, either way!” the blue-skinned duo chimed cheekily to this reporter, once they were properly robed after the game, but still quite Smurf-blue having dyed themselves in true Celtic fashion prior to the game.

The stands for today’s game were packed beyond capacity. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was forced to cast reinforcing spells on the structures prior to the game, and did make a remark on how this was possibly a historic first for Hogwarts in terms of attendance.

In an understanding display of good sportsmanship and depraved hormones, the Slytherin team appeared from the Changing rooms first, clad in their trademark green and silver uniforms. They made a quick sweep around the field, and then took their positions- like the rest of the fans- to watch hungrily for the Gryffindor team.

The members of the team honored the terms of the bet and were dutifully unclad. For the most part. The three Chasers for the Gryffindor team, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet, and Katie Bell, appeared fully robed – and then did the most provocative and alluring strip-tease to be seen on the British Isles since Morgana Le Fay seduced Arthur Penvarion in full court. It had the males of the school (those not committed to ogling Harry Potter’s significant assets) spellbound.

And, the pride and glory of the Gryffindor team, their renowned Seeker Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived) took to the field like a god. More than one student commented on his poise, his grace, and his use of his God-given equipment. At age 17, Potter has most definitely earned his place in Witch Weekly as the Wizarding World’s most desired bachelor.

In spite the bawdy conditions on today’s game, and the few hiccups that interrupted the play (A minor Death Eater attack was circumvented. He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named had a small hysterical fit and tantrum in the middle of the stadium pitch, it was perhaps the most professionally played game this reporter has ever seen.

“Potter’s accuracy at finding and securing the Snitch is amazing. There’s no place he won’t fly to, no maneuver he won’t make. He’s tops on a broom!” praised Oliver Wood, a former alumnus of the school and Keeper for Puddlemere United. Once the Captain of the Gryffindor team, Wood has once again teamed with Potter for the much-anticipated Naked Quidditch Calendar. Released just this morning, the Executive President of Potter Enterprises Worldwide, Ginevra Weasley, announced that sales were at 98, and that another 25,000 units have been authorized for production to meet the burgeoning demand of the public.

“It’s a smash!” reported Ms. Weasley. “And we’re delighted to make such an amazing contribution to St. Mungo’s Victims Unit. Already we’ve committed 375 thousand Galleons to charity!”

The calendar, however, is just the forerunner to many good things coming from Potter Enterprises. Founded by Potter and Weasley, this business has shown in the few short weeks since incorporation to have the market in its grasp, and a keen sense of humor, wit and appeal. The Moldiemort Robes (TM) were the ONLY garments to be seen at the game. In all sorts of sizes, the shimmer stood clear and dominant. “They were designed to empower witches and wizards. To give us all a sense that what we fear can be and should be mocked. Fear is not something to run from, but to face, overcome and become stronger for doing so,” Ginevra Weasley informed us at the press meeting.

This sentiment was reinforced by Professor Dumbledore, a longstanding proponent for not backing down against the Dark Wizards of the world.

And indeed, with You-Know-Who jumping up and down and howling in a clear fit, it seems hard to be afraid of this clearly deformed and unstable man. The Ministry officials in attendance wasted no time in seizing Death Eaters Lucius Malfoy, Avery MacNair, and Vincent Goyle, who were trying to pick up their fallen master and escape. As attacks go, it was a laughingstock- and one which Potter made into a bigger humiliation by plucking the Snitch out from the hood of Voldemort’s robe whilst a “verse” from the upcoming Mockeries of a Dark Lord flashed across the Wiztronic above the commentator’s booth.

It was one of the most dramatic and powerful games of Quidditch history, and also one of the shortest. “Not even ten minutes,” bemoaned Fred Weasley. “We knew Harry wasn’t happy about having his bits scattered across all the papers, but really!”

Added his twin, George, “He could have held out for at least a half hour!”

End of the Naked Quidditch Match

Happy Snitches!