Sex Education in the Ozarks
Introduction:
It’s all about peckers and ladies
Now like I said, my Ma is a widder, on account o’ my daddy got himself runned over by a tractor when I was just a little shaver. Yep, ‘parently it was a hundred sixty-five horsepower John Deere with a power take-off attachment, and I reckon you gonna get yourself run down by a tractor it may as well be a fine piece o’ American engineerin’ like that there, but I guess that weren’t much consolation to my daddy, ’cause word is he never even saw it comin’, which may have had a lot to do with a few shots of Virgil Tatum’s corn liquor under his belt. See, folks around here is always sayin’ you get a belt or two of old Virgil’s jungle juice ‘cross yer chest, and you’d be doin’ good if you could spot a whole team o’ bull elephants in the ruttin’ season, even if you was lookin’ fer ’em. Anyway, after we lost my daddy, my Ma brung Priscilla and me up all on her lonesome, but I reckon she done okay at it.
Now my Ma’s got a first cousin called Abe Driscoll, but I always call him Uncle Abe ’cause he’s been like a uncle to me my whole born days. Uncle Abe lives in a cabin up there in the hills a ways out of town, with my cousin Betsy-Jo and my Granma McCutcheon. Now, you see’ ol’ Uncle Abe’s been widdered himself, ’cause my Aunt Patsy died of the consumption way back when I was so young I cain’t hardly remember her, so after she passed, Granma McCutcheon moved in with Uncle Abe so’s she could help out with raisin’ up Betsy-Jo.
Now bein’ if Uncle Abe is my ma’s first cousin, then technically that makes him my second cousin, but like I said, he’s just like a uncle to me, but I guess that means Betsy-Jo is really my third cousin, but folks don’t go puttin’ too many numbers on things like that out this way. Anyways, bein’ cousins, Betsy-Jo and me was real close as kids. We played together, we run together, we fought together, we wrassled together, we fished together, matter of fact, most anything two kids can do together, I reckon we done it together, ’cause like I said, we was real close.
Now, truth is I guess Granma McCutcheon and me ain’t really related by blood, but out where we hails from, family is family, so I just call her Granma. Matter of fact, I reckon if I called her by anything else she’d whale my butt with that big black skillet of hers, so I reckon I’ll just keep on callin’ her Granma fer the duration, ’cause it’s safer that way. You see, Granma McCutcheon got herself widdered too when she was real young, and I reckon life’s been hard fer her, and it’s done took its toll, ’cause she can be a little testy. In fact, sayin’ she was downright cantankerous wouldn’t be putting’ too much exaggeration on it. Old Uncle Abe is always sayin’ you just gotta watch yer p’s and q’s around Granma, and that may be so, but I reckon there’s a whole lotta other letters in that there alphabet you wanna be keeping a real close eye on too, ’cause like I said, it don’t take much.
Another thing about Granma McCutcheon, she learned herself how to be a doctor a few years back. You see, we ain’t had a regular doctor round these parts fer a long time but ol’ Mr Winthrop, the county vet, is usually more’n happy to tend to any ailments as folks comes along with, even though he learned his doctorin’ trade on animals and livestock, but when he’s got a drunk on he can be a little hard to get a hold of. So, Granma McCutcheon figured she could learn doctorin’ and take up the slack. Way she done it, she learned herself doctorin’ out of a book she got on mail order, called, “Fresnel’s Medical Almanac.” She’s been doctorin’ in her spare time fer a few years now, and I reckon she can doctor up there with the best of ’em these days. She even throws in a full service, and gives folks a free tea-leaf readin’ after their doctorin’ session is done. So, that’s all about Granma McCutcheon, straight up.
Anyway, this here story starts a ways back one time when I was stayin’ over at Uncle Abe’s place, so’s I could help with the shingles on the roof. We was up on that roof all mornin’, and it was gettin’ powerful hot up there, so Uncle Abe said we ought to have ourselves a spell. So me and Uncle Abe clumb down off of the roof, and Uncle Abe went to the kitchen to make himself a pot of coffee, and that left me all on my lonesome.
Now, one thing about fixin’ shingles, it always puts me in the mood fer wrasslin’, so I went off to look fer Betsy-Jo. Now that might sound strange, bein’ Betsy’s a girl and all, but I done whooped all the other fellas around these parts and Betsy’s awful strong fer a girl and she’s whooped most of ’em herself, so she gives me more of a challenge when we goes in fer wrasslin’ together, so that’s why I went lookin’ fer her. I knew Betsy’d be off in the woods someplace, making pets of them wild critters like she does, so that’s where I went lookin’ fer her.
I done looked all over them woods but I couldn’t find Betsy-Jo no place, so I went back a different way, past the old swimmin’ hole, where Betsy-Jo and me used to go skinny dippin’. We hadn’t done no skinny dippin’ fer a long while, but when I got closer I could hear Betsy-Jo a-splashin’ around in the swimmin’ hole, and talkin’ to them wild critters like they was gonna talk right back to her, but I couldn’t see nothin’ ’cause there was a whole lotta bushes ‘twixt me and the swimmin’ hole. I found a gap in them bushes, and I stuck my head through. I was about to holler out to Betsy-Jo to see if she was up fer some wrasslin’, but what I seen gave me a big surprise.
Now, it weren’t no surprise to see Betsy-Jo in her birthday suit, on account of that’s how folks dress when they’s a skinny-dippin’, but what plumb took me by surprise was how different Betsy looked since the last time I seen her like that. She was all rounded out and curvy lookin’ and them titties of hers was like two grapefruits hangin’ off of her chest, only they wasn’t really hangin’, it was more like they was pointin’ straight ahead at me, and down where her pecker woulda been if she was a fella, there was this triangle of gold coloured hair. Matter of fact it was Betsy-Jo first told me girls ain’t got peckers, back when we went skinny-dippin’ the first time.
I remember she shucked off her clothes that first time we went skinny-dippin’, and I looked at her and I said, “Betsy-Jo! What happened to yer pecker?” and she said, “Don’t you be silly Wendell. Girls ain’t got peckers.”
“Well,” I said, “how do y’all pee?” cause I really wanted to know how a body could pee without no pecker, and Betsy-Jo said, “Easy, Wendell, we just squat down and do it like a lady.” Then she said, “Only thing is I cain’t show you how we do it on account of Granma McCutcheon tol’ me it ain’t good manners to squat down and pee in front of folks. She said y’all got to wait till their backs is turned and do it when they ain’t lookin.'”
Well, I said, “That’s okay, Betsy. I know what y’all look like, and I know what squattin’ down looks like, and I know what peein’ looks like, so if I put them four things together in my head, I reckon I know what you squattin’ down to pee looks like,” and Betsy-Jo said, “See Wendell, you ain’t nowhere near as silly as folks’s always sayin’.”
Anyway, that was way back, but this particular day, I was so plumb surprised at how different Betsy-Jo was lookin’ that when I tried to holler out to see if she was up fer some wrasslin’, it was like my throat was all dry and squeezed out of shape, and there weren’t no sound comin’ out. I swallowed some spit to wet my throat again, and I took me a breath to start hollerin’, but I heard Granma McCutcheon back at the cabin. She was hollering herself that lunch was on the table and how it ain’t gonna eat itself, so we better get ourselves back there else the hogs is gonna be eatin’ up big today.
Well, one thing I like better than wrasslin’, and that’s eatin’, so I high-tailed it back to the cabin fer some of Granma McCutcheon’s possum grits and hog jowls, with a side of biscuit. I reckon I was already on seconds when Betsy-Jo got back with her clothes on.
Me an’ Uncle Abe never got back up on that roof that day, but the next day we was up there most of the mornin’, finishin’ off them shingles and when that was done we tended to a few other chores needed doin’ about the place, and then it was time fer more of Granma McCutcheon’s home cookin’. After we finished lunch, Uncle Abe went out to the front porch to set on the two seater swingin’ chair with a pot of coffee, and Betsy-Jo went back into the woods to play with her critters again. Then Granma McCutcheon went out to boil up some lye soap, and that left me all on my lonesome again.
That belly full of Granma McCutcheon’s possum puree and sow belly with turnip greens was makin’ me feel like I could use a little nap, so I done laid down on Uncle Abe’s big ol’ bed, and I laid there a mite, thinkin’ about stuff in my head. I got to thinkin’ about yesterday, and how different Betsy-Jo was lookin’ over at the swimmin’ hole. I was thinkin’ about them titties of hers, eyeballin’ me like they was, and how she turned her back to me to walk out the other side of the swimmin’ hole, and I remembered that her butt was all curved out like some kinda prize-winnin’ pumpkin at the county fair. Then, all of a sudden, I realised that my pecker was gettin’ all swoll up. Well, first thing I thought, I must have got bit on the pecker by a snake, ’cause I couldn’t think of no other reason fer my pecker to get all swoll up like that. I looked around, but I couldn’t see no snake anywhere, but I remembered something Uncle Abe told me one day about what to do if you ever get bit on the leg by a snake.
Uncle Abe told me if y’all ever get bit on the leg by a snake, you got to get this here thing called a, “torny-kay,” and put it on yer leg, so’s the poison don’t go spreadin’, else that leg’s gonna fall right off. Well, I sure didn’t want my pecker fallin’ off cause I’d have to squat down to pee like a girl so I looked around, but I couldn’t see nothin’ to use fer a torny-kay. I was real sure I didn’t want that poison spreadin’, but I didn’t have no torny-kay to put on my pecker, so I got me a notion to squeeze on my pecker so’s it wouldn’t spread nowhere, so, I squeezed real hard on my pecker.
Well, my pecker was swoll up hard as hickory by now, but when I squeezed on it, it kind of felt good, so I squeezed a little harder and it felt a little better. Well, it seemed that the harder I squeezed, the better it felt, and then I got this other notion to rub on it while I was squeezin’ on it. Well, I started rubbin’ on my pecker while I was a squeezin’ on it, and that felt even better than just squeezin’ on it did, so next thing I knew, I was rubbin’ and squeezin’, and squeezin’ and rubbin’, and it just felt better’n, better’n better, and before long, it felt so good I took to breathin’ real hard, too.
Well, I was a-layin’ there on Uncle Abe’s bed, squeezin’ on my pecker, and rubbin’ on my pecker, and huffin’ and puffin’ while I was squeezin’ and a- rubbin’, and I reckon I was breathin’ so hard I musta sounded like that big ol’ steam engine over there at the lumber mill, and it just kept feelin’ better and better all the time. Then, somethin’ mighty strange happened, cause all that rubbin’ and squeezin’ on my pecker felt so good I just didn’t know what was going on, and it felt almost too good, and all of a sudden, I thought I pissed myself.
I laid there a moment, wondering what just happened, and I looked down at my jeans and there was a big wet patch on the front, so I looked inside and there was all this white goo come out of the end of my pecker. Now I was real scared, ’cause I remembered the snake again, and I figured it must have been the poison makin’ all that white stuff come out of my pecker. Then I remembered somethin’ else Uncle Abe done told me about when you get bit on the leg by a snake. He said that if you ever get bit on the leg by a snake you better get some doctorin’ real quick.
Well, I remembered Granma McCutcheon goes in fer doctorin’ in her spare time, so I jumped up and ran out the back, hollerin’ fer Granma McCutcheon to help me. I was hollerin’, “Granma! Granma! I need yer help! I done been bit on the pecker by a snake, and it got all swoll up. I squeezed on it to stop the poison from spreadin’ so’s my pecker wouldn’t fall off and all this here while stuff come out the end of my pecker, and I need yer help Granma!”
I ran around to the back yard and Granma McCutcheon was stirrin’ up a big pot of lye soap. I said, “Granma! You gotta help me. A snake done bit me on the pecker and I squeezed on it to stop the poison and white stuff come out the end of my pecker and I need you to do some doctorin’ on me ’cause I don’t want my pecker fallin’ off or I’ll have to squat down to pee like a girl!”
Granma McCutcheon stopped her stirrin’, and she hollered, “What in the blue blazes is got into you boy?”
I said, “Granma! I think a snake bit me on the pecker cause it got all swoll up! I squeezed on it to stop the poison spreadin’ and white stuff come out the end. I think the poison’s done somethin’ to my pecker so I need you to do some o’ your doctorin’ on it!”
Granma McCutcheon laid the stirrin’ spoon against the inside of the pot and she walked over to me, and she said, “Wendell, you are a special kind of stupid!”
I said, “Thanks Granma, but I need help with my pecker, not compliments.”
Granma McCutcheon looked down at the front of my jeans, and she shook her head, and she said, “Wendell, ain’t nobody ever learned you about the birds and the bees?”
I said, “Granma, this ain’t no time fer talking about insects and flyin’ critters. I need help with my pecker!”
Granma McCutcheon said, “No, Wendell, what I’m tryin’ to say is, ain’t your Ma never told you the facts of life?”
Now I was real confused, cause only facts I ever knowed about was what’s in them ‘cyclopaedia books my Ma keeps on the bureau in the parlour room, so I said, “Granma, I don’t know what yer talkin’ about but I need help with my pecker real bad. I think a snake done bit it and it might fall off.”
Well, Granma reached up and she grabbed me by the ear, and she walked around to the front of the cabin, and I followed her ’cause there ain’t much else you can do when Granma McCutcheon’s got you by the ear like that. We got around to Uncle Abe, settin’ on the two-seater swingin’ chair on the front porch, and he stood up, and he said, “Granma, what’s goin’ on? This boy been sassin’ you again? I done told you before, Wendell, you go sassin’ yer Granma and she’s likely to get ornery real quick. That’s a side of her you oughta stay right away from if you can.”
Granma McCutcheon let me go by the ear and she said, “No, Abe, it ain’t nothin’ like that at all. Seems as how nobody ain’t never told this boy where babies comes from. And bein’ you’re the man of this household, that’s somethin’ that falls on your shoulders.”
Uncle Abe sat back down and said, “Well, Granma, I’d be right proud to take on that responsibility. Then he said, “Wendell,” and he patted the seat next to him on the swingin’ chair. I sat down, but I was kinda confused ’cause Uncle Abe don’t do no doctorin’, and Uncle Abe said to Granma McCutcheon, “So if y’all excuse us, Granma, me and Wendell is goin’ to have us a long talk.”
Granma McCutcheon turned and walked around the back. I heard her mutterin’ somethin’ about, “biggest dolt I ever did see,” so I knew she was talkin’ about me cause “dolt” is a kinda pet name she sometimes has fer me.
Well me and Uncle Abe sat there on that swingin’ chair that day, and we had us a long talk like he said. He told me all kinds of real interestin’ stuff about peckers, and ladies, and how peckers and ladies goes together, and how when a fella and a lady gets to likin’ each other a whole lot in a particular kinda way, a fella’s pecker gets all hard and swoll up like mine was when I thought a snake bit it. He said a lady’s got this special place ‘twixt her legs, and when the fella and the lady gets to likin’ each other a whole lot like that, and the fellas’ pecker gets all swoll up and hard, the fella puts his pecker inside the lady’s special place and he goes into sawin’ on it, and it feels real good for both of ’em.
He said that when yer pecker gets all swoll up, it’s called a “ee-rection,” and puttin’ yer pecker inside a lady’s special place feels a hundred times better than just squeezin’ on it like I done, and that white stuff that comes out the end is like a man’s seed. He said that ladies’s got eggs up inside of ’em, and when that seed gets on them eggs it turns them into a baby and that’s where babies comes from. Land sakes! Who would of thought babies come out of eggs?
Uncle Abe told me the proper name for that white stuff that comes out the end of your pecker is called, “cum,” but some folks call it, “jism,” even though, “cum,” is the word that polite folks use. “Matter of fact,” he said, “you can tell a lot about the way a man’s been brought up by gettin’ him to talk about what comes out the end of his pecker.” He said, “If he calls it, ‘jism,’ y’all know he ain’t been well brought up and you probably need to be careful of him from then on.”
Uncle Abe told me that puttin’ your pecker up inside a lady’s special place like that is called, “makin’ love,” and just hearing them two words together like that, “makin’,” and, “love,” made it sound real special. He said that sometimes folks want to, “make love,” and get them real good feelin’s, but they don’t want no baby comin’ along, so the fella goes to the drug store and buys this here thing called a, “rubberjohnny,” and he puts it over the end of his pecker so’s the cum don’t go up inside the lady and get all over her eggs.
Uncle Abe told me that there’s some rules about which lady’s special place a fella can put his pecker in. He said, “Right away, sisters are out. You cain’t put your pecker in your sister’s special place,” but then he said, “Truth be told, though, some folks around these parts is a mite casual about that rule.” Then he said, “Likewise, your Ma. You cain’t put your pecker inside your Ma’s special place, neither, cause that’s agin the rules, too. Same goes for your aunts, and close cousins.”
Uncle Abe said, “Matter of fact, you ain’t supposed to make love with any of your blood kin,” but he kind of scratched on his stubble a mite and he said, “But come to think of it, there ain’t no rules say you cain’t do it with your grandmother.” He must have seen the look on my face cause for a moment I was picturin’ Granma McCutcheon out there in the back yard, stirrin’ up her lye soap, and he considered on it a beat or two, and said, “You know, Wendell, it takes all kinds to make this world, but I reckon a man could go a awful long ride ‘fore he come across too many fellas that’s got any kinda hankerin’ to make love with their granma.”
Anyway, old Uncle Abe done such a fine job of explainin’ to me all about peckers and ladies that day that when he asked me if I had any questions, only one that come to mind was I said, “Uncle Abe, what do they call that there special place twixt the lady’s legs?”
Uncle Abe said, “Well, Wendell, it goes by all kinds of names, all depends who yer talkin’ to, and some of them names ain’t really fit fer polite company.” He considered on it some, and he said, “Medical folks, they call it the, ‘angina,’ but the name you’ll most commonly hear it called by is, ‘the pussy.”
“The pussy?” I said, “Now why in the world would folks go calling it after a little ol’ kitty cat?”
Now, Uncle Abe has been around some, and I think he’d even been outside of Frog Whistle once or twice, and he looked at me, gave me one of them smiles says he was a man of the world, and he said, “Cause, Wendell, if you treat it right, it’ll purr like a kitten.”
I said, “How do y’all treat it right, Uncle Abe?”
He said, “Well, before you go puttin’ yer pecker inside a lady’s pussy like that, she likes y’all to kinda fondle it a little, you know, real gentle like. That kinda gets her in the mood for you to poke yer pecker in there and start sawin’ on it.” He paused, like he was makin’ sure I was payin’ attention, and he leaned in a little and said, “But the best way to treat a lady’s pussy right is to get up close and personal with it, give it a little kissin’, and bit o’ lickin’.”
“Lickin’?” I said, “How can y’all go lickin’ down there where she pees?”
Uncle Abe said, “That’s the strangeness of it boy. I know it don’t sound right putting your tongue down there, but a lady’s pussy is the sweetest thing y’all are ever gonna taste, and once you smelt one, you ain’t never gonna be the same again.” I figured for moment Uncle Abe was only joshin’ about lickin’ down there on a lady’s special place, but he said, “I ain’t jokin’, Wendell. You just wait and see.”
So after Uncle Abe was all finished learnin’ me all about peckers and ladies, he said, “Now, Wendell, I want y’all to remember that there ain’t no reason to be ashamed of yer pecker going all hard and swoll up like that. It means you’ve growed into a man, and you should be proud of that there pecker o’ yours.”
I said, “Okay Uncle Abe, next time it gets all swoll up I’m gonna be real proud of it.”
Anyway, me and Uncle Abe finished up our long talk, and I walked away knowin’ I was now a man, with a pecker that could swell up fit to bust. I reckoned it wouldn’t be too long ‘fore I’d meet me a lady that liked me in that particular way and she’d be wantin’ me to put my pecker up there inside her special place and take to sawin’ on it. Later on that afternoon, I was thinkin’ about ladies and peckers again, and next thing I knowed, my pecker was all swoll up again, only this time instead of being scared it was gonna fall off, I was right proud of it.
I reckoned Granma McCutcheon’d be right proud of me too if I went out and showed her, so I went into the kitchen with my jeans all poked out from my swoll up pecker, and I said, “Look at me Granma! I’m a man! Look how hard my pecker’s gone!”
Well, I reckon Granma musta been in one of her ornery moods that day, ’cause she took one look at me and grabbed her big black skillet, and said, “Wendell, you put that durn thing away ‘fore hit you ’round the head with this skillet so hard, by the time you remember what it’s good fer, you’ll be too old to use it.”
Well, I ran out the kitchen real quick, ’cause I seen in the past how handy Granma McCutcheon is with that skillet of hers, and then I considered on it for a while, and I reckoned that it must be ’cause she ain’t got no fella to put his pecker in her special place no more, so maybe peckers is a sore point with her when they’s a-swoll up like that.
So that there’s the story of how I got learned all about peckers and ladies by my Uncle Abe. I ain’t found me a lady yet that wants to, “make love,” with me, but now that I got me a sixth grade education, I reckon I’m one of them, “eligible bachelors,” folks talk about, and pretty soon there’ll be ladies linin’ up for me to start into sawin’ on ’em, so I’ll just bide my time.
So, y’all just remember, come back real soon, ya hear?
