February

Tuesday, February 1, 2000

Brian wants me to start doing a monthly summary of all the option sales by category. It should be Todd’s job and it makes me so mad that they think they can just keep dumping more stuff on me just because they know I will do it. Todd had time to go with Hakime to some trade show last Friday. Like as if he needs to go to a trade show. Of course they didn’t even ask me. Not that I need to go either, but I wouldn’t have had time any way. They just keep giving me more and I know I am supposed to set limits but it sounds a lot easier when Margaret says it than when Brian comes to my cubicle and says he wants me to do something. Like what am I supposed to tell him, No, I already have to much to do and am working late? I know he works late too but he is vice president and probably gets paid ten times what I do. So I say “sure Brian” and then just feel like such a loser. I was going to write “It’s not my fault if he doesn’t have a life” but then I don’t have a life either and it is not like that would change if I started leaving a 5:00.

Rented Boys Don’t Cry and I think she should get the Oscar for it. It was so amazing.

Wednesday, February 2, 2000

Margaret was mostly about what a loser I was in high school, so that was depressing. She tried to “put it in context” but it was still depressing.

When I got home I could hear people in the downstairs apartment. Of course I immediately got worried cause they probably won’t be as nice as Mrs Baker, but I basically forgot all about them until they woke me up having sex. It was almost like they were in my room. They must be using that upstairs storage room in Mrs Baker’s as their bedroom and I guess that is right beside my bedroom cause it was so loud in there! It was like she was in the room with me and she was making so much noise! It sounded fake. Like as if anyone would really make that much noise. Not that I am exactly an expert, but it just sounded like she was trying to see how much noise she could make. As if I want to hear that! At first I was just mad cause they woke me up but after a while lying there in my dark room having to listen to them have so much fun I just felt lonely. I miss Mrs Baker. She couldn’t even climb the stairs up to that room and she SURE didn’t ever do that, hah, hah, hah. I should go visit her, poor old dear. She must be terribly unhappy these days.

That is all I need is loud neighbours. I hope they are just renters and not the new owners so I can complain.

Darn it. I’ve loved my little apartment all these years and I am really afraid that having these new people living in the other side of the house is going to totally ruin everything. Mrs Baker never bothered me except to ask me over for tea once in a while. It seems strange to have strange people living in the house. Yuck I hate change.

Thursday, February 3, 2000

They let Cynthia go at work today. I know she was making a lot of mistakes but it is still scary. I think they do that every so often just to keep everybody scared. And it works. They never say why. Just one day someone is going around saying goodbye. Except Cyn was so upset she just grabbed her stuff and left crying so I didn’t really get a chance to say goodbye. I have her home number though and I will call her tomorrow. I really hope we can stay in touch.

The new owner came over tonight. Her name is Trish and it was her last night. Well, she didn’t say that but they do live there. She is probably in her late twenties, a big woman. Kind of trashy. She had more makeup on to come upstairs to meet me then I have ever worn in my life. Her top was too tight and showed huge cleavage. But she seems nice. Very outgoing and a bit loud. They just moved here from Windsor. They have a 6 month old baby but her room is downstairs so she said she shouldn’t bother me. I felt like I should have said something about the noise last night then but of course I didn’t.

Friday, February 4, 2000

It was weird looking at Cynthia’s empty desk today and not having her ask me the daily trivia question.

Deanna called and said they are having trouble finding a sitter for tomorrow night so she may not be able to go and I said I would stay with Nelson so she could go. I knew I should not have, even while I was saying it. That I would regret it and resent it, but there didn’t seem like any point in ruining both our nights and I am not going to go sit alone in a bar to watch Russell play. She argued a little bit but not very hard so I almost feel like she had it mind when she called. She says she is still going to try to find a sitter but I wonder how hard she will try if Aunt Marilyn will do it.

They were having sex again next door. I felt stupid but I actually left my TV show to go and listen. I think he was going down her at first and I actually kind of liked listening to that. I kept trying to picture what he was doing and what it would be like to have a man do that. It sure sounded like she liked it but then it sounds as if she has an orgasm if he looks at her sideways so I don’t know if it felt as good as she made out. After a while she started to beg him to “fuck” her. It sounded so dirty. And I wanted him to too. I think I almost cried in frustration when he finally did and she made it sound so good. But then they really started going at it and banging the bed against the wall and they were both grunting so I got out Kendal, but it was kind of gross. I mean I came but I felt like such a loser alone with my vibrator when they were having great real sex.

Saturday, February 5, 2000

Early hair appointment. I got the same old. Deanna was trying to convince me to do something different last weekend but when I was actually in the chair I couldn’t. I mean I have tried it short, I have tried it shaped, and I hated it. I know it is boring like this but I guess that is just who I am. Boring. After all, look what I am doing with my Saturday night. Baby sitting for her so she can go out and have fun.

Went to see Mom and Dad. Her eye appointment is this week which is about time. She is half blind. I get so frustrated with her because her eyes have been getting worse for months and she won’t do anything about it. I think it also just scares me because I see how old she is getting.

Sunday, February 6, 2000

I was woken up this morning by Trish giving Ryan a bj. This time he was the one talking dirty and I am lying in bed listening to him say all sorts of horrible things to her. He called her a bitch and a slut and things way worse than that and told her what to do and I was like totally furious that I have to listen to this but also after a while it started turning me on too. I can’t believe she lets him talk to her that way.

_____

I am really starting to wonder about myself. I was watching The Practice and heard them start up again next door and actually turned it off so I could go listen. I feel so perverted listening in on them. And pathetic. But they sure don’t seemed too worried about who hears them.

Monday, February 7, 2000

Went to visit Mrs Baker after work. It is horrible in there. She says she is okay but I don’t see how she can be with all those drooling loonies. G_d it is awful getting old.

Tuesday, February 8, 2000

Had a fight with Mom. She went to the eye doctor and she has an appointment for an operation in May and the second eye in July. She’ll be blind by then! Why didn’t she go six months ago when she first had a problem?

Then Carolyn told me I have to start covering on switchboard again because Cynthia is gone. Can’t they see I don’t have time for that? It’s not like I go out for lunch. I am already eating at my desk because I am so busy but it’s like if you are a woman you have to be on the switchboard schedule. They don’t make Todd do it. They wouldn’t even think of asking him because he has a penis. He goes out for lunch every day! G_d it is just so unfair!

Wednesday, February 9, 2000,

Had Margaret. Mostly talked about Saturday and how I could have handled it differently. She’s right, I could have just gone over to Dee’s and spent the evening visiting. Just because she can’t get a sitter is no reason that I have to give up my night, but I never think of those things when someone is asking me to do things. Margaret asked me if I think I am a martyr. But I don’t think I am, I just have trouble saying “no”. But maybe I am. I will have to think about it more.

Thursday, February 10, 2000

Happy Birthday to me, loser. G_d I hate birthdays. They had a cake at work and I just wanted to run away. 32. Yuck! No boyfriend, I hate my job, nothing to do tonight. I am going out with the girls tomorrow to celebrate but tonight it is just me and Kendal. How pathetic is that? He is sitting there on the bedside table waiting for me to stop writing. Well, waiting for the new owners to start going at it next door. It is so sick but I have actually started waiting for them. They seem to do it every night but not at the same time. I keep telling myself not to listen but here I am waiting for them. Here we are. Is that pathetic or what? Can’t get laid so I have to listen in on someone else. Pretty sad, Marilyn, pretty sad. I really hate myself sometimes.

Trish came over after work and asked me if I could watch Alyssa for her for an hour. All I wanted to do was go and use Kendal, but of course I said yes. I hope this does not turn into a regular thing. She offered to pay me but I refused because I think it will make it harder for her to ask in the future, but she grabbed my arm and stuffed money into my hand and said she insisted.

Friday, February 11, 2000

Went out with Deanna, Nancy, Luisa. I asked Cynthia to come but her husband already had plans. It was fun. We went La Trattoria and they had them bring a cake out. I hate it when the whole restaurant sings Happy Birthday, but it was nice too. Nancy and Tim are going to move in together.

Saturday, February 12, 2000

Woke up this morning to Ryan saying “What do you want, you c—? Tell me what you want” and Trish begging for his cock. I hate it in the morning. It is so rude of them to not think that someone might be sleeping at 8:30 on a Saturday. No, really it is just that it is just too much to take first thing in the morning. I admit I get turned on listening to them at night but having to listen to it that early in the morning, to be woken up by it and have to listen before I even have had a cup of coffee is just too much. And besides, does he have to use that word? Yuck!

I am really wondering what he looks like, though. The way he talks to her you’d think he was some gorgeous stud but he’s probably just a big slob. Maybe I have just spent too many nights trying to picture his “huge fucking cock” “fucking” her “dirty hole”. I really can’t believe some of the stuff they say. Do people say that stuff when they are having sex? I sure never did but maybe everyone else does.

_____

Went shopping but didn’t have any luck. Saw a great top but it was too funky for work and not something I would wear unless I was going out and since I barely ever go out I didn’t buy it. Then I found a great work top but it was fitted and I didn’t fill it out. So that just made me depressed.

So here I am waiting for the neighbours to have sex so at least I will have some fun today. That is so pathetic, Marilyn. But then, I am pathetic. I have started pretending when I am listening to them that there is a window between our rooms instead of a wall so that they can see me using Kendal while they have sex. I don’t know why that turns me on, but it does. It’s like it turns me on to pretend that they know how pathetic I am. I imagine her laughing at me while he fucks her. While I listen to her moaning and saying all the things she does, I picture on her hands and knees, him fucking her from behind while she looks me in the eye with this total superior look like “He wants to fuck me every night and you are so shy and flat and plain that nobody’s wanted to fuck you for 12 years” G_d, it’s been 12 years! Of course getting turned on by that only makes me feel more pathetic so it is like horrible circle, but I can’t stop myself from thinking those things. I hate myself for being turned on by it but I can’t help it. No wonder I have trouble asserting myself. I wonder what Margaret would say if she knew that I actually enjoy having people look down on me. But I don’t. I hate it. It’s not as if it turns me on when people take advantage of me cause I don’t stick up for myself. But then how come picturing Trish laughing at me turns me on? Oh, G_d, I wish I…

Oh I don’t know what I wish. I wish I was normal. I wish I had a husband and a baby and wasn’t addicted to my vibrator. I wish I didn’t hate myself.

Sunday, February 13, 2000

Woken up by another bj. It actually got me turned on this morning which was kind of frustrating because I basically wore out Kendal’s batteries last night trying to fall asleep so there wasn’t much left. They never did do it last night so about 12:30 I just did it myself imagining all those things that I said I hated imagining.

Finish Dad’s sweater. I can’t really afford wool to start a new one and I don’t exactly need any more sweaters but I am kind of at loose ends. Maybe I will go for a walk.

_____

Trish came up this afternoon and asked me if I wanted to come down for tea. It seemed kind of odd, but I didn’t want to seem rude so I did. It was nice. She did most of the talking, of course. She said that sometimes after a whole day with a baby she just really needs to talk to an adult and Ryan was working. He works for Home Depot. She nursed Alyssa while I was there and I managed to sneak a peak at her boob so I can picture them better now. My G_D they are huge. I wonder what it would be like to have those huge things hanging on my chest.

There is something about Trish that I don’t like. It’s like no matter what we are talking about there is always this look on her face like something is funny. Like inside she is laughing at me. I guess I didn’t notice it before but I must have seen it without realizing it cause it is sort of the look from my fantasy about her watching me with Kendal. That must be why I thought of it in the first place. It makes me uncomfortable with her, even though she is nice. Of course when I finally got upstairs and had had chance to use Kendal I pretended that she DID know everything and that the whole time we were having tea she was laughing at me. Thank G_D she can’t really know, but I love pretending that she does.

Monday, February 14, 2000

Work was hell. Magnus is changing their entire line so we have to have it all input by Wednesday

Now I am bored. Watched Ally McBeal but now I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep checking the wall but they don’t seem to be doing anything tonight. G_d, I can’t believe how pathetic I am, but it is the most interesting thing in my life at the moment which is pretty darned sad. Happy Valentines, loser. I always hated being alone on Valentines but it is really pathetic to be alone with fresh batteries waiting for the neighbours to have their Valentines Day sex so I can listen in. I sort of feel like I am stealing some of their love and passion for myself. Oh, I hear them coming upstairs.

Tuesday, February 15, 2000

Work was totally crazy. Didn’t get home until 9.

Met Ryan tonight on my way in. He seemed nice. I am looking forward to picturing him tonight. Oh my G_d, I can’t believe I am actually planning what I will fantasize when I listen to them. I am so pathetic. But it will be nice to be able to picture him now. I have tried to picture him with a look on his face like he is totally enjoying her and looking at me like I can only dream about a guy like him, but it will be easier now.

G_d, it suddenly occurred to me how embarrassing it would be if anyone ever read all this. I think I would die. Thank G_d I live alone.

Wednesday, February 16, 2000

Margaret was about why I hate birthdays. I wish I could talk about listening to Trish and Ryan. But I just can’t. How could I tell her that I spent all night Saturday waiting for them? Or that now, not only do I use Kendal every day after work to relax, but every night while I listen to the neighbours have sex. Or about what I fantasize about. Well, she told me to start this journal because there were things I could not tell her so I guess writing all that stuff here will have to do.

Thursday, February 17, 2000

Rrr! I hate her! She is just SO rude. No, she is plain mean. Trish came out when I was on my way in and asked me down for tea, again. I tried to get out of it but ended up going in. She must have been waiting for me, listening to hear to me come in. She was nursing Alyssa again while we talked and she started telling me how men always try to sneak looks when she does it when she’s out. I said how embarrassing that must be, but she said she likes it and smiles at them and makes sure they have a long clear look. She started looking down and talking to Alyssa for a while and I guess I was looking at her boob because when I looked up she was looking me in the eye. Our eyes only locked for a second but I knew she had caught me peeking. I mean, it is not supposed to matter because we are both girls, right? But somehow I know she knew… knew what? That you wanted to see her big boobs, Marilyn. That you were looking at them just the way a man does. She had that same laughing, smug look as if she knew exactly what I was thinking. Then she gave this little shrug and went back to looking at Alyssa. She was deliberately letting me look. Then she said that girls like me would never understand how sexy it was to have tits so big that everybody – and she really stressed the “every” – wanted to look at them.

How dare she?! “Girls like me”! Grrr. Flat chested girls like me? She was laughing at me. Laughing that she had caught me looking at her boob. Laughing because she has boobs men want to look at and I don’t. I didn’t even want to go for stupid tea and she insulted me! I felt like just getting up and leaving but it just would have made me look dumb so I made myself stay and finish my tea. I tried to act like everything was okay but I am so bad at hiding my feelings I am sure she knew I was upset. Alyssa had finished but she didn’t put her boob away and kept her eye locked on mine with that stupid smirk while she talked, like she was just daring me to look down.

I was so upset that I couldn’t even come with Kendal. And there was no way I am going to give her the satisfaction of listening to them tonight. I am going to watch ER really loud. What a bitch.

Friday, February 18, 2000

Sometimes I wonder if I am not better off single. Doreen was telling me a bit of what she goes through with Joe and you wonder why women are so desperate that they put up with that sort of stuff. Of course I probably would too if I had the chance. She says that when he is not like that she loves him so much that it’s worth it, but jeez…

I am not going to listen to Trish and Ryan again tonight. I hate her.

_____

So much for that. I can’t stop myself. I tried though. I closed the bedroom door and read on the couch, feeling like a prisoner in my own home. But I could hear her asking him if he “liked her big, swollen tits” or something and I just couldn’t stop myself. I had been hating her so much for what she said to me I think I needed to hear him say it was true. So I went in the bedroom. Just to hear what he said. Well he did. Over and over. And if he stopped she would ask him another question, all about her boobs. Did he like them big, were big ones sexier then small ones, do all men like them big, did he feel sorry for girls with little ones, on and on, all about what she had said the yesterday. Then she asked him to fuck them and they just kept talking the whole time about how great they were and how sad it must be for flat girls who can’t do that.

She must have known I could hear her. It was just too much like she was trying to prove her point from yesterday. And the thing is, it worked. Listening to Ryan go on and on about how much he loves her big boobs and picturing her smirking at me while he proved it by fucking them, it just turned me on so much that I couldn’t stop myself. But just when I started using Kendal she didn’t say anything for a few seconds and I wondered if she could hear the buzz and was laughing like she had won. I don’t think she could really hear Kendal, and she certainly couldn’t know that the things they were saying actually turn me on. She was probably just trying to be mean. But I pretended she could hear, that she knew exactly what I was doing and thought I was totally pathetic. I came so quickly.

What if they can hear? Oh G_d, just the idea of it makes me feel sick. And excited. What if they know every time I use Kendal? They would know that I always do it when they are having sex. And they would know when I come because the buzzing would stop. Oh, now I want to go use him again, but what if they CAN hear? Well, it is 1:45. They have to be asleep by now. And besides, they probably can’t hear.

Saturday, February 19, 2000

Woken up by my bj alarm clock again. Grrr. I think I am going to have to try to get to sleep earlier on weekends if this is how it going to be. It’s not fair. They are my only two days when I get to sleep in and I have to start my day listening to them doing what I only dream about.

Trish came up and asked if I wanted to come down for tea but I told her I was going out. She said she hoped I wasn’t offended by anything the other day and of course I pretended I didn’t know what she was talking about. Then she asked if I wanted to come for dinner tonight so I said I was busy. So now I have to go out all day. Guess I’ll go visit Mom and Dad.

Sunday, February 20, 2000

I was using Kendal this morning and there was a knock on the door. The inside door. I put on my robe expecting it to be Trish wanting something but it was Ryan. He said that he was trying to watch TV but kept getting interference and was wondering if I was using an electrical appliance that might be causing it. I said no but then realized it must be Kendal and immediately became totally flustered and asked if it happens a lot. He said yes, but it would just start and go for a while and then it would be fine, which is why he thought it might be an appliance. He asked if I would mind if he checked back when it happens to see if he can find the problem. Why don’t they just get cable? So am I supposed to stop using him because they can’t watch TV? But how can I use him if Ryan is going to come over every time? Maybe I should just move. But I like this apartment.

Monday, February 21, 2000

Deanna sent me an e-mail today asking how I am cause we haven’t talked in a while. I just don’t have the energy to listen to her right now. I think this whole thing with Trish is getting to me and it is not like I can tell Deanna about it so it would just be her complaining about her silly problems and me pretending everything was okay.

I felt weird using Kendal now that I know it might be making their tv go weird. I ALWAYS use him as soon as I get home. It’s how I relax. I guess I kind of look forward to it when I am having a bad day, like my reward for getting through it. I tried but could not relax knowing that it might make their tv screw up. I don’t know if I would have been able to relax enough to finish cause I was starting to get sensitive but then Trish came up and knocked. I tried to ignore it but she kept knocking so I had to get up and answer it. She said their tv was screwed up and would I come down for tea. I told her I was busy and that I had plans but she kept asking and I am so horrible at telling people ‘no’, so I went down. I was really mad that I couldn’t finish with Kendal and I guess I was sort of blaming her even though it wasn’t her fault – once I knew her tv was screwing up I would never have been able to relax enough. Anyway, it wasn’t too bad. I mean, I would rather have been relaxing with Kendal, but it was still okay. She asked me about work and let me complain about that for a while. She still had that superior smile, but I think that is just her way. I can’t decide if I like her or not. She talks too loud, but she is kind of fun. I guess it doesn’t help that the whole time we are talking I am picturing what she does at night. She was wearing a scoop-necked T-shirt that showed huge amounts of cleavage and it reminded me of what Ryan was doing between them the other night and I kept picturing that while I was talking to her, being sure not to look down when she could catch me. G_d, I am so pathetic, sneaking peaks at her boobs like a guy. And even worse, coming home and fantasizing that she catches me peeking and makes fun of me.

I am becoming a little obsessed with them. It’s like it is the only thing I look forward to every day and I think about it at work all the time. I guess that is why I let her talk me into going down for tea. I don’t really think she is a very nice person but it seems like every time I see her something happens that gives me more to fantasize about at night.

Tuesday, February 22, 2000

There IS something going on with Trish! I got home about quarter past 7 and she came up at 7:30 and asked if I wasn’t coming down for tea. When I said I didn’t know she looked disappointed and said she had been waiting for me. What, like now we have a date every night or something? What if I don’t feel like going for tea every night?

Then when I was leaving she told me to come for tea again tomorrow as soon as I got home. I told her I had an appointment but she asked what time I would get home and said 8:00 would be fine. Like when am I supposed to eat? I told her I would have to see but she said “please” like she really wanted me to. I tried to stick up for myself and just said “We’ll see” again but she just said “please” again even more insistently and I just knew I would not get away without a fight so I said I would.

_____

We just finished our nightly ritual. I think they were having intercourse and I kept pretended she was getting fucked from the back while she held out her boob to me and asked if I wanted some milk. Then, when I admitted I did, she teased me with it and told me I was a sick lezzy pervert and laughed at my humiliation. So I guess maybe seeing her nurse does turn me on more than I admitted.

Am I a lezzy? I don’t think so. I mean, I do have those fantasies where I am forced to do things to women, but I think they are exciting because I am NOT a lesbian and find it disgusting, not because I like women.

Wednesday, February 23, 2000

I am really starting to wonder if I should keep seeing Margaret. We just talk about the same old stuff and I don’t have the guts to talk about the things that are really bugging me these days. I mean, I got almost no sleep last night wondering if am a lesbian and I don’t even have the guts to talk to my therapist about it. I wish I did have someone I could talk to but I really could never tell anyone about all the sick things I think about. And the thing is, half the time I think it is entirely in my mind.

I planned on telling Trish I was too tired but she literally pulled me into their apartment. Ryan was there watching television but we stayed in the kitchen and drank our tea. She asked about my day and about things with Todd and told me about hers and then I left. I wonder why it seems so important to her?

Oh, when I was leaving she said “See you tomorrow” like there was no question. I guess I will.

Thursday, February 24, 2000

Trish and I seem to be getting along better now. I told her few days ago about the reflexology course I took and today she said she had had a bad cramp in her foot and asked if reflex work could help it. I couldn’t find a knot but I did the best I could and she said it helped. I am supposed to go back and do it again tomorrow.

It’s funny how this journal has become more and more just about the new owners. But work as been, well, just there, and I haven’t being seeing people much. Everybody sort of hibernates in the winter. And the thing is I seem to spend an awful lot of my time thinking about…

I don’t even know what to call it. I guess my fantasy. I mean, listening to them is real, but when I am doing it what I am thinking is not real at all. Anyway, I seem to spend way too much time thinking about it. At work, driving to work, in the shower. Part of me hates it but I don’t really want to stop. Oh, I don’t know.

Friday, February 25, 2000

I went over after work and instead of answering the door she just yelled “come in”. She was in the living room with Alyssa and she asked if I would mind making the tea. So I found a tray and brought it in and as soon as I had poured she asked if I would mind rubbing her feet again so I never even got a sip of mine. She was sitting in an armchair with her feet on a stool so I had to hand her her tea. There was nowhere for me to sit where I could work on her feet so I sat on the floor. Yesterday we were both sitting at the table with her foot on my knee and that just felt like I was doing something nice for her, but today I felt like a servant, fixing her tea and rubbing her feet. And it wasn’t about her cramp because she wanted me to do the other one, too. The thing is, I sort of liked the feeling of being her servant. It is a little of the same feeling I get in my fantasy. I was kneeling at her feet rubbing them and she was sipping her tea and looking down at me with that look like she is laughing at me, superior to me, and I started getting turned on. Just rubbing her feet.

I felt like she knew exactly what I was thinking, what was happening to me, and was laughing at how pathetic I was and that just turned me on more. I couldn’t even look at her but she did not say anything and it was so uncomfortably quiet and every time I looked up at her she was smirking at me like I was amusing dirt and a little jolt of electricity would go to my hoo-hoo. I know I was blushing but I couldn’t do anything but keep on. I couldn’t think of anything to say and no way to leave and I felt totally stupid and embarrassed and I tried not to look at her but I kept looking up and then looking away in shame.

It seemed to go on forever. I mean, nothing was said but she must have been able to tell that I was embarrassed. I can’t have just imagined the look on her face. I don’t know, maybe I could. I have been imagining a lot of weird things recently and she does usually have that condescending smile, so maybe it was just in my head. When she finally broke the silence it was just to tell me that what I was doing felt wonderful and, pulling her shirt and bra up, asked if I minded if she fed Alyssa? Then she lay her head back and closed her eyes. I felt like I was being rewarded for being a good masseuse by being allowed to look at her boobs. I mean, she could not really know the sort of things I have been fantasizing about recently, but that was just how it felt. It was kind of weird that she bared both boobs. After a while she suddenly asked “Have you had enough, Alyssa?” and I realized that her eyes were open and she had been watching me watch Alyssa feed. But she didn’t make a fuss and I did not feel nearly so embarrassed as I did the first time she caught me.

But thing is, when I was looking at her big boobs it wasn’t like a turn on or anything, so I think maybe I am not an lesbian. I think what I liked was the idea that she would catch me looking and embarrass me. The thing is I hate it when she does that, but I guess it excites me, too, because that is what I fantasize about. I think maybe it is not that she is a woman but the way she looks at me like she is superior. At least, that is what is important in my fantasies. All I know is that sitting on the floor rubbing her feet was totally embarrassing and I hated being like that but it also totally turned me on and I am getting turned on now writing about it and I hope she does it again.

When I was leaving she asked what time I could come tomorrow. Like she knows I will come and just wanted to know when. I didn’t know what to say, so I just said 4:00.

Saturday, February 26, 2000

Met Stinky for lunch and it was nice seeing her but the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened yesterday and wondering what will happen when I go down today. How can I hate something so much and want it at the same time? I don’t even know what I want. Do I actually want her to embarrass me again? Yeah, I guess I do. Oh, I don’t know.

It’s almost 4:00 and I am getting more and more nervous. Maybe I like this. But it all feels like things I don’t like. Hey Marilyn, maybe you get turned on by something you don’t like. Like duh! Big news flash there. G_d, I am such a freak.

Well I can’t think of anything else to say so I guess I better go get ready.

_____

I feel like I am sliding into a deep black hole. I watch myself take these steps down knowing that I won’t be able get out but not able to stop.

When I first got there she just said “hi” and then went back to watching tv like I wasn’t even there. I didn’t know if I was supposed to make tea or sit down or what so I just sort of stood there feeling awkward. Finally I just said “Well I guess I will go make tea now” and she said “Oh thanks, Marilyn” like it was the most normal thing in the world for me to come in to her apartment to make her tea. After that it was the same as yesterday. She turned the tv off when I got back with the tea and pried her shoes off and it was pretty clear that I was supposed to rub her feet. So I did. I really felt like her maid. I liked pretending that. But it makes me sick to my stomach that I just do what she wants. I guess I like pretending it but it is just so embarrassing to actually do it. To imagine what she must be thinking about me.

She didn’t nurse Alyssa today. After a long time she just said “Thanks, Marilyn” and asked me to take her empty cup so she could put her shoes back on. That really made me feel like a servant who was being dismissed. Then she added “See you tomorrow?” and for some reason that was just too much. Like she somehow she knows that she can treat me like that and knows that I will come back for more. It was like a wave of blush crashed over me and my heart started pounding even harder and I got that ringing in my ears and I just couldn’t face her so I tried to leave with the tea tray and she said “Marilyn.” in this firm tone that told me to stop. It seemed like a long time that I just stood there in the kitchen door trying not to drop the tray because I was shaking, trying to make myself either keep going and get out of there or turn around and face her. Finally she said “Marilyn?” again, like she was mother or a teacher talking to a naughty child and I forced myself to say “yes” but I still couldn’t turn around and let her see how upset I was or look her in the eye.

“Will I see you tomorrow?”

I don’t know why it was so hard to say “yes”, but it was. I think it may have taken me 2 or 3 minutes. But I was stuck. It was like I couldn’t go until I had answered her and if I said “yes” it was like this huge thing. And the longer it took for me to answer the bigger a thing it was. I felt so stupid standing there with my back to her holding that tray not answering her. And the thing is, I could feel myself getting so wet which only made it more embarrassing.

Well, I finally managed to make myself say “yes” just to get out of there, she just said “great, see you tomorrow” like it was nothing. But it wasn’t nothing. Her tone when she asked and the huge pause before I answered made it HUGE. Oh, and that I didn’t turn around to look at her and she waited for me to answer. And I am not even sure what it meant. I guess it meant that she can expect me to make her tea and rub her feet every day like I am her servant and that I will just do it. And that she can talk to me like am a bad child and I will let her. And will need to run home to use Kendal when she does. I didn’t even care about her stupid television, I needed it so bad. I mean, I pretend I ran up the stairs to get away from her but I know what I was really running for.

The funny thing is, I only just realized now that it never even occurred to me to say I wouldn’t see her tomorrow.

Sunday, February 27, 2000

Couldn’t sleep all night. I feel like the idea of going back today is killing me, but I know I will go. I wore out Kendal’s batteries last night. I think I better go get more before I go back there. Hah, who am I kidding, I am going to go get them as soon as I finish my coffee and writing this. I think I am becoming some kind of sex addict. I just keep thinking about what has happened and it makes me feel so stupid, pathetic I guess, but I get so turned on and Kendal seems to make both of those feel better. Then I just feel guilty but somehow even that feels good. Maybe not so much guilty as dirty. Oh G_d, I am just so screwed up!

I am still wondering how I am going to be able to go down and face her. I don’t know why it is so much worse than yesterday, but it is. maybe because it isn’t about rubbing her feet, it is about how she talks to me and looks at me and what she thinks. And that every time I go it seems to be a little worse so I am dreading what she will do today.

I think I really have to go get more batteries now. Nympho.

_____

It wasn’t so bad today. Basically the same as yesterday. It was still embarrassing acting like her servant, but I guess I am getting used to it. Even when she asked what time I will be coming tomorrow I just told her. Oh, when I was taking the tray back out to the kitchen she said I had forgotten to wash them yesterday. That was probably the most embarrassing thing today and even it wasn’t too cause I just went in the kitchen and washed it all. I mean I am already making her tea like her servant so it isn’t that big a deal to wash the cup and teapot afterward. And she was still in the living room so she couldn’t see me. I did picture her laughing at me because I did it, but she could not see me so it wasn’t so bad.

Monday, February 28, 2000

Oh G_d, I went down after work expecting the same as the last couple of times, but Ryan was there! I didn’t know what to do. Was I supposed to make her tea with him there? She let me stand there for a minute feeling totally embarrassed before she asked him if he wanted tea. “No thanks”. “No thanks”?! I knew she must have told him! How could I do those things with him there? It was hard enough with just her! The whole time the kettle was on I was trying to make myself tell them I had to go, but of course I didn’t. So I made her tea and took it out to her and she kicked off her shoes. I really did not want to do it but she kept looking at me with this stern look with her eyebrow raised and then looking at her foot and then back at me with me shaking my head trying to tell her I didn’t want to, trying to see out of the corner of my eye if Ryan was watching. Finally she just said, “Marilyn, would you mind doing your reflexology on me?” and somehow that made it okay for me to do it. I guess it made it more like a favour then like she could just expect it. So I did it and then washed up and left. Of course with them both watching tv I could hardly come up and use Kendal, so that was frustrating, but I didn’t NEED to like I did yesterday. Still, I hope they get cable soon. Of course it only makes it better when I do get to.

Tuesday, February 29, 2000

Ryan was at work today, thank goodness. Trish was wearing a skirt today and while I was doing her feet I got really turned on imagining what she would think if she caught me looking up it. Not that I had any interest in looking up her skirt. I think if I was a lesbian I would want to and I really have no interest. It just made me excited to imagine getting caught doing it. Maybe I will do it someday, just so she can catch me. G_d, you are so weird, Marilyn.

Hey, I wonder if she is a lesbian? I mean, she obviously knows something is going on. It just isn’t normal to treat someone you just met the way she treats me. Gross. I sure hope she never wants me to do anything. Yuck! Eeeww. That is just SO disgusting.

When I was washing up she called in that Ryan is off again on Saturday and asked if I wanted to come to dinner. I just know she is going to do something so I said I thought I had something on and would have to check. So now I have to decide what I want to do before I see her again. I feel like a moth with a candle. I just know she is going to hurt me if I go but I want to go anyway. But I don’t want to go, too. Especially because Ryan is going to be there. I wish I knew what to expect. Maybe I should see if Deanna wants to get together. Oh, but I want to find out what Trish is going to do. I mean part of me doesn’t want to know, but part of me can’t wait to find out. I just hope it isn’t too bad. And I guess there is always the chance that she won’t do anything. I guess I’ll go.

March

Wednesday, March 1, 2000

I almost forgot Margaret tonight. I guess I have been leaving work earlier than normal recently like around 6 every night so I can get home at a good time and I…

actually, I guess maybe I was just too eager to go make tea. So I was 10 minutes late and when I was driving there I realized I had not told Trish that I wouldn’t be home until later and wondering if she would be upset and if I should go down when I got home or just skip tonight. Which started me thinking that I don’t think Trish said “See you tomorrow” last night and I don’t even think the night before that. Which means I am just going over cause I want to. I mean, I do want to but it’s not like I can pretend she is asking me to. So by the time I got to Margaret’s I was all worried about that and just couldn’t get into the session so she just did some energy work.

On the drive home I decided that I should just skip going down tonight. She did not say I should and it was after 8:00 and she probably wouldn’t feel like tea. It just feels stupid to be knocking on her door a 8:30 to make her tea. If he was working tonight Ryan will be home in an hour and she will be making their dinner.

Thursday, March 2, 2000

Trish was very cross that I didn’t go down last night. I told her I had an appointment but she just said I should have gone down afterward. Then she asked me if I didn’t think I should apologize. Just like I was a bad child. I know I blushed and got that horrible exciting feeling and I was so busy thinking about my hoo-hoo that I didn’t answer so I could be even more embarrassed. Finally she said “Well…?” and I managed to tell her was sorry. I really like it when she makes me feel like a naughty little girl. When I was boiling the water I checked and found that my panties were completely soaked.

She was wearing an even shorter skirt then last time and all I could think about the whole time I was doing her feet was what she would say if she caught me peeking up it. I didn’t do it, but it was SO hard not to especially because she didn’t even try to keep her legs together. It really is as if she can read my mind sometimes. Like she knew what I was thinking last time and was daring me to today. And it is hard to find somewhere else to look when you know you are not supposed to look someplace. I don’t think I looked her in the face the whole time because I would have had move my eyes past “there” to do it so I just concentrated on her feet.

When I came back upstairs there was a message from Nancy asking if we are still on for dinner tomorrow night. I had completely forgotten. I never forget dates and here I have forgotten two in two days. Anyway, I knew I couldn’t just not show up at Trish’s tomorrow after last night so I had to go down and tell her I would be out. Only she laughed at me and asked if I was asking her permission to go out which made me blush and get embarrassed which always makes me tongue tied. I told her I was just letting her know but she said “Yes, Marilyn, you may go out tomorrow night” in this totally condescending tone that made me mad. I DON’T need to have her permission to go out for dinner. So I just said good night again and started up stairs until she said “Oh Marilyn?” I know now when she does this that she is going to humiliate me somehow, so that horrible embarrassment came flooding over me in an instant while I stopped and turned back, waiting for it.

“Don’t you think you should thank me? For giving you the night off?”

Why does she think I need her permission? How does she know that I won’t just tell her to go to Hell? I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to so badly. But my mouth just would not say the words. And after a minute or so of standing there like an idiot I just had to say something so I did it. I said “Thank you”. And in that same condescending tone she said “Your welcome, Marilyn. Have a good night, Marilyn” and closed the door. I don’t understand what is happening. What does she want? How can she think I need her permission to go out?

Friday, March 3, 2000

Had dinner with Nancy but all she did was complain about work and I kept wishing I had stayed at home and was sitting at Trish’s feet with her laughing at me. G_d, I’m pathetic.

Saturday, March 4, 2000

Spent most of the day making an upside-down cake to take tonight. I had to run out to get pineapple and cherries and then when I actually started I didn’t have enough flour so I had to go out again. Now I am just waiting to go down. I hate this waiting when you are all ready and there is not time to get into anything. I totally have butterflies wondering what is going to happen. What I want to do is go use Kendal but I better not. Beside, in a way it is better to not be able to. It makes me want to more. I will just save it for after dinner. I wish I knew what to expect tonight. I am so nervous my palms are sweating and I have that ringing in my ears that I get when I am stressed. What if she makes me serve them dinner? I am supposed to go down at 6 so I wonder if I will have to serve tea before dinner. Oh this is crazy. I am just making myself crazy wondering. I think I had better go watch tv.

_____

Oh G_d I knew she was going to do something! As soon as we sat down to dinner Trish asked me if I was seeing any one and then asked me why not. Like what was I supposed to say? That I am totally plain, horribly shy and afraid of being hurt? And they were both sitting there waiting for an answer. I just said I hadn’t met anyone. Then she asked me what happened to my last boy friend so I told her about how Kendal had left me for someone else. Then she asked me how long it had been. G_d I didn’t want to answer. I just knew they would think it was pathetic. It is pathetic. But I didn’t think she would make such a big deal of it! She kept saying “Twelve years?!” like it was the most unbelievable thing she had ever heard and making me feel about two inches tall. “Twelve years? I hope you have gotten laid since then!” she said sort of as a joke. I started to lie but I didn’t know if I could be convincing and just that moment of hesitation and she said “You haven’t, have you?” Well that was already enough and I was hating myself that I had gone and then she said that it was no wonder I use my vibrator so much! Oh my G_d, I wanted to die right there. I wanted to run away. Or crawl under the table. Anything so I wouldn’t have to sit there with them looking at me blush! It was bad enough that she said it, but in front of Ryan! I mean, I had thought about it, but I really didn’t think they could hear! And I was stuck there. We had only just started dinner and I sure couldn’t eat. I couldn’t look at either of them either so I just sat looking at my plate.

And she just kept talking. Making it worse. She said they had figured out that was what made their tv go funny. And that they could hear it at night. Like she should talk about making noise! And then asked if I have a name for it!

Oh G_d, I still can’t believe she asked that. I felt like a trapped animal. The room was suddenly about a thousand degrees and my ears were ringing so bad I couldn’t hear and I was shaking. I felt like a bad little girl sitting in front of Mommy and Daddy. I looked up at Ryan, I think hoping he would save me, but he was smiling at me his eyes laughing while I squirmed. I wanted to just get up and leave but I thought that would make me look even more stupid. I mean, the fact was they are right, it is pathetic that I have not had a date since second year university and it is pathetic that I have named my vibrator after the only boyfriend I have ever had. But they have no right to laugh about it. Or maybe they do. Maybe anyone would if they knew. About Kendal, I mean. But it doesn’t make it very nice. She even joked about borrowing it. Oh yeah, and after she joked about me having a name for it I guess she could tell from my reaction and she said “Holy shit, you DO have a name for it, don’t you?” and start laughing at me and said that if she had used a vibrator for 12 years she would probably have a name for it too. It was cruel. She could see perfectly well how uncomfortable I was but she just kept on and on. Even when she started talking about something else she still made fun of me, saying no desert for me until I had finished my dinner. Like I was the least bit hungry. I felt like throwing up. But they had both finished and she acted like she really expected me to finish my spaghetti so I sat eating alone while they watched and she talked. She never stops talking. I really felt like a bad kid. I don’t know how I got through the whole thing without crying. I sure am crying now though. I am bawling my eyes out. The page is wet and I can still hear them screwing next door.

Sunday, March 5, 2000

They are driving me crazy! They were making so much noise this morning that I couldn’t stand it and went to visit Mom and Dad and now I just got home and lay down for a good cry and they have just started again! I suppose I could go into the living room, but I have a right to be in my own bedroom, darn it!

I think he is going down on her. She talks different when he does that. I wonder what that feels like. She makes it sound awesome, but then she makes everything sound awesome.

Damnit, I am not going to listen. I am just going to write in my journal and to hell with them.

I felt miserable all day. I couldn’t get to sleep for a long time last night cause I was too upset. Normally I would have used Kendal to feel better but now she has ruined that for me. About 2:30 I was just so desperate I even tried using my wrist but that only got me more and more frustrated until I was crying while I was doing it.

Okay, you bitch! I think the whole neighbourhood knows that “it feels so fucking good when he licks your c—“. Just shut up! Nobody cares! It is SO fake. I mean, nothing could feel THAT good. Could it? I can’t even believe he does that for her. It’s gross. It’s different giving a bj. I mean, that is a little gross, but not like putting your tongue in there. Ewww.

Where was I? I thought about last night all day over and over. She had no right. I can’t believe that after what she did to me last night she still had the nerve to stop me on my way in and ask me if I was going to make her tea. I told her I didn’t feel like it. She said she was sorry if she had upset me yesterday. Yeah, I’ll bet she’s sorry. If she is so sorry then why did she do it? “Oh gee, I thought you wanted me to completely humiliate you in front of my husband”. I hate her. She has even ruined the wall for me because I hate her so much. He is fucking her now and all it is making me is angry. She keeps telling him how good it feels to have his huge cock inside her, over and over and over. I think she knows I am listening and is trying to make me jealous. If that’s what she wanted I guess it worked, cause I am jealous. I am jealous and angry and I feel like a total loser.

Damn it. I can’t. I don’t want to get excited but I can’t help it. I just found myself playing with myself for the second time. You are so stupid. Just leave. But I can’t. She wants me to. I can hear it. But I won’t. I certainly am not going

Oh, I think he is coming. Yeah, that was it. It sure stops quick after he comes. Great, now I am wide awake and can’t use Kendal. I guess that is stupid since they don’t care what I can hear but it just seems more embarrassing that I am doing it alone. Like she is a winner because she has him to fuck her and I am a loser because I have to do it myself.

Yeah, well if the shoe fits, Marilyn.

Oh I don’t know. It was just too much. And I don’t like it in front of Ryan. I like it when it is just the two of us. It’s like it’s not real if no one else sees it or something. But one things for sure, I don’t think I want to go down there anymore. I don’t even know how I can face them. I think I may have to move.

Monday, March 6, 2000

I was awake until 2:00 last night. I tried with my finger but that is just so gross. I used my wrist for a while which makes me feel like when I was little, but it just made it worse so I finally ended up going in the living room and using Kendal under my duvet so I think they couldn’t hear. G_d, I feel so stupid hiding it like this but it’s better then having them know every time I do it.

Felt depressed all day again today.

Maybe I will go to a movie later.

I am still really upset about the other night. The thing is everything they were saying is true, I just don’t like people knowing about it or saying it. I know I am a loser with a boring life, but I don’t need strangers laughing about it. I don’t want to think about it. But it is like they have made me look at how pathetic my life is. When I got home tonight I had a total meltdown because I wanted to use Kendal like I always used to. G_d I so looked forward to that all day when I am stressed. It’s the only way I can enjoy my evening is to have that quick release and just let all the stress go. It was just part of my routine and I hate when I can’t do my routine. I ended up doing it in the living room under the duvet anyway but instead of relaxing me it just made me mad cause I have to hide.

_____

She just came up and asked if I would come down for tea. I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea. She said again that she was really sorry she had upset me and that she promised she would be nice and that Ryan would not be home until 9:30 so it would just be the two of us and she really missed our “little tea parties” and she just kept asking until I said ‘yes’ and went down with her wondering who was going to make it. She asked me if I “would mind” while she went to check on Alyssa. Nice of her to ask, but I still ended up making the tea. I even put two cups on the tray, but by the time the tea was ready I decided to put one back and went out to be her servant. I like being her servant. I know I felt happy while I was rubbing her feet that we hadn’t lost that. I even snuck a few little peaks up her skirt. hee hee. I couldn’t see much but it gets her back for being so mean.

Went to see American Beauty just because it has so many Oscar nominations. Everybody has been raving about it but I just thought it was okay. It seemed kind of pointless. Maybe I was just not in the mood.

Now it’s 11:45, I am not at all tired and I need to get to sleep and I can’t use Kendal in my own bed because the neighbours might hear and make fun of me. Grrrr. I guess it’s out to the stupid living room.

Tuesday, March 7, 2000

If she had any idea of the stupid things I do she would laugh so hard. I must have stood in the hall way for five minutes and started to come back up stairs I don’t know how many times. She never said “See you tomorrow” yesterday, so was I supposed to go down? I knew I was, and I even wanted to, but it is so hard when she hasn’t told me to. It is a lot easier to do what I am told then to just go. Anyway, when I finally made myself knock she was very nice so maybe she learned that I won’t put up with her being really mean like on Saturday.

When I was rubbing her feet she asked me why I like doing it and I didn’t know what to tell her. I don’t know why I like it, I just do. I couldn’t very well tell her that it makes me feel pathetic and that that turns me on. I just said I didn’t know. Then she asked me if I was a “lezbo”. I told her “no” and I really don’t think I am. I was actually thinking about that a couple of days ago, I guess after I thought he was going down on her, and the more I thought about it the more I thought that if I was lesbian I would want to do that, and I certainly don’t. I mean, I think about it sometimes when I am using Kendal and need something gross to think about, but always about being forced to do it. I don’t ever WANT to. I think it is because I find it so gross that the idea of being forced to turns me on.

Well I certainly wasn’t gong to tell her THAT so I just told her I wasn’t and that I thought it was really gross. She said that was good because she wouldn’t want a lezbo touching her. I am glad I am not.

Anyway, then she asked if I just “get off” on doing nice things for her. Well that is basically it, so I shrugged and said “yes”. And she leaned forward and patted me on the head and said “Good girl”! Like a child or a dog! It was like this electric shiver went through me. It made me very aware of the way I kneel at her feet and I felt embarrassed the way she treats me, but I also felt REALLY happy that I had pleased her. I mean REALLY happy. It seems silly how happy such a little thing made me, but it did. I also got that tight excited feeling in my stomach that I get when I am getting turned on from being made fun of.

Then, instead of taking her hand away, she grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled me toward her so I was off balance, tipping my head back so I had to look up at her! Oh my G_d! I got so turned on/excited/embarrassed I think I was shaking. There was something so perfect about it that I wanted to cry. It was a totally frightening wonderful feeling that she could have asked anything of me right then and I would have done it. After a few moments of looking down at me, smirking, she said, “Well, I guess I will just have to find more nice things for you to do for me. Won’t I?” She seemed to want me to answer but there was no way I could talk. I was so excited I could barely breathe, so I just nodded. Then she put me back down and patted my head again and told me I was a good girl again and I started crying. I don’t know why. It certainly wasn’t because I was sad. I guess just emotional release. That just made her pet my head more which felt so good that I just cried more. It felt so good to be bawling like a little girl while she patted me like one, but after a while I just had to get out of there so I told her I had to go and sort of ran out.

She asked me to babysit for her Friday night. Oh well, I didn’t have plans anyway.

Wednesday, March 8, 2000

Trish wants me to stop going to Margaret. She likes her tea earlier. And the thing is, I am starting to think I am wasting my time and money anyway. We spent the whole time talking about stupid stuff and she has no idea that last night I was crying from happiness because my landlady had me on my knees pulling my hair. But I have been going to Margaret for so long it would be weird to not have her to talk to. Plus how would I tell her?

She was playing with Alyssa while I was doing her feet and her skirt got all bunched up so I could totally see her panties and her thighs were spread a little. I don’t know why I want to look, but I do. I think it is just because I know I shouldn’t. Especially after last night. I tipped my head so she could not see my eyes and just stared at it. It makes me totally grossed out but I kept looking. It made me feel so perverted and dirty. Why does that turn me on so much. Part of it is cause I kept picturing how disgusted she would be with me if she knew.

Thursday, March 9, 2000

Ryan answered and I didn’t want to make tea with him there so I didn’t know what to do. So I just told him I thought he would be working and did not want to intrude and to tell Trish I had come down. I wish he worked regular

Some one is coming upstairs. I think it’s her.

_____

Oh G_d, I have to be more careful. She came up to see if I would make tea for her up here and the first thing she says is “what are you doing” like it is any of her business. I told her “writing” and she just walked into my apartment asking if I would make her tea and when she saw my book she asked what I was writing. I should have told her it was none of her damned business but I just said “my journal” and I think I almost ran to grab it so she couldn’t read it. I think I would have just died if she had read any of this. I am going to have to make sure I put it away from now on. I hope it did not look too obvious the way I grabbed it and went and put it in my bedroom. I think it may have looked like I had something to hide. Which I do, but I don’t want her to know that. Then while I was putting it away she laughed and said “it can’t be a very exciting journal” OH! How dare she! I was just so mad I wanted to scream. So much for her being nice to me. I guess she can only manage to be nice for 3 days! I almost said something when I came back but I just wanted to get off the topic of my journal so I didn’t dare. But I was still mad so I just made her her damned tea and made her ask me to rub her feet and I didn’t do a very good job, either.

Friday, March 10, 2000

I didn’t make tea today. She went out for dinner with a friend.

Trish wants me to spend the whole day down there tomorrow, “helping her with some things.” I am nervous about what that means.

Rented The Cider House Rules and loved it!

Saturday, March 11, 2000

Oh my G-d! I just masturbated on the phone with Trish! How am I going to face her? I think she was mad when she found out what I was doing so I know she will say something tomorrow. Oh G_d, what was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking! That’s the problem.

I went down at 11:30 like she told me to and Ryan was just leaving. As soon as he was gone she said “make me some coffee” like I was her slave. I get mad when she treats me like that, but then I go do what she tells me and start feeling pathetic because I let her treat me that way and then I start wanting her to treat me worse. Well today she did. I brought her her coffee and she asked me to tidy the living room. At first I just stood there. Like I wasn’t able to move. Then she said that she thought I enjoyed doing nice things for her and didn’t I think it would be a nice thing to tidy up her living room so she would not have to. It still took a bit of coaxing but eventually I just did it. I started picking up all Alyssa’s toys, blushing and wanting to cry, while she drank her coffee and read a magazine. Then Alyssa started crying and she asked me to go check on her. I got sort of mad at that. Cleaning her living room was humiliating but changing Alyssa’s diaper just seemed like I was doing her work because she was too lazy. But I did it and then brought her out to be with Trish, and went and brought the coffee out to refill her cup and then finished cleaning. Then I watched Alyssa while Trish went and took a shower. Then she told me to put a load of laundry on. I think that is when I realized I would be doing housework all day. I did her laundry and vacuumed and made her lunch and washed the floors and cleaned the bathroom. I spent the whole time mad that she was making me do all this and hating/loving that I was doing it. I think the worst was when I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor. She came and leaned in the doorway watching me and when I looked up she was smiling and shaking her head like she just could not believe I was doing it. Why not, I couldn’t believe it either,. But it made me feel even more ridiculous than I already did. She asked if I enjoyed doing it and I told her ‘no’, but then she asked me then why was I doing it? Did I just like doing nice things for her? That was what she said the other day. I barely got any sleep last night worrying about what she meant by ‘nice things’. I mean, she said she was glad I was not a lesbian but I still kept thinking she might mean something a lot different than cleaning her house. I was really glad that all she wanted was cleaning, but I was also really mad that she was treating me like her maid. I was mad at her and mad at myself for doing it and hating myself for not just leaving, I don’t know how many times I almost left but didn’t but the whole time I was also thinking about Kendal and couldn’t wait to get home to use him. I don’t think it is really even sexual excitement. Having her treat me like that just makes me feel so bad about myself that I am dying to go and make myself feel better. After I was finished everything else I had to make her tea and rub her feet. Like she has had such a rough day! When she finished her tea she thanked me for all my help and said I could leave as soon as I had washed up the tea things.

As soon I got in I grabbed Kendal. I had been wanting it so much all day. But as soon as I started the phone rang and it was Trish saying “Well that didn’t take long, did it.” At first I thought she just meant all my cleaning, but she was laughing and then said she timed me and it was 38 seconds from the time I left to when she heard my vibrator. All of a sudden my heart was pounding and I had that same feeling that I wanted to run away, only there was no where to run because I was already home. She said that it was not as loud as usual and asked if I was hiding in the living room so she wouldn’t hear. When I didn’t answer she asked again, and then again very firmly saying my name the way she does when I am not doing what she wants. Like she is very disappointed and cross. Sort of threatening. So I told her ‘yes’ and that just turned me on so much. It felt so dirty to be on the phone sitting with my skirt up and my legs spread admitting that I had been masturbating, and that just turned me on more. I wanted to get off the phone so I could turn Kendal back on but it was so humiliating having her on the phone that I didn’t want to hang up either. So I just used my wrist over my skirt. She said that cleaning her house must really turn me on and then asked if it did and then kept asking it until I told her it did. I think I was using Kendal without power by then, I wanted it so badly. At some point I was so turned on I even started using him inside. It was awful and wonderful all at the same time. She kept talking at me asking things like did I get turned on cleaning her bathroom floor and did I feel silly hiding in my living room to masturbate and each time she would keep asking until I said ‘yes’ and I kept pushing Kendal in harder so it was really hurting but feeling so good, too. Then in this really disgusted voice she said “Are you masturbating right now while I am talking to you?! Are you?” Well that just made me do it even harder and feel absolutely horrible, but she kept asking until finally I said ‘yes’ and she said that was absolutely disgusting and that I should be ashamed of myself and I think that is when the phone slipped and fell on the floor. But I just kept going. It felt so good to hurt myself with Kendal. Like it made everything else go away or okay or something. When I finally stopped I was so ashamed I just hung up. I have no idea if I made any noise or not but just the idea that she was listening to me and thought it was disgusting made it so strong. When I am like that, I don’t care how disgusting or stupid I am, it just feels so good and so right.

After I hung up I used Kendal to come. The phone rang again but I wouldn’t answer it, but just knowing she was calling, that she knew I was doing it again turned me on so much that I came right away. But now I keep picturing trying to look her in the eye and having her laughing at me and I don’t know how I am going to do it. But thinking about it and writing all this is turning me on again.

Sunday, March 12, 2000

Spent all day doing the things I was supposed to do yesterday like groceries and laundry.

_____

Trish just came up to ask me to babysit for her on Wednesday. I told her I have an appointment every Wednesday, but she kept asking so I told her I would think about it. She said she would do something special for me if I did, but she didn’t say what so I am not really sure I would want it. I wonder what it is.

Monday, March 13, 2000

She’s kidnapped Kendal! Trish called the second I got in and told me she wanted me to bring my vibrator to tea.! G_d, I thought I was sick! I almost didn’t do it, but I did. (after cleaning him THOROUGHLY!) I think this is the first time I walked IN to her place embarrassed. And then as soon as I did she asked his name! She already knew about Kendal and it is just so pathetic that I named my vibrator after him that I couldn’t tell her. I just stood there shaking wishing I named him Brad or Johnny or something. But when she stepped really close and pulled my hair so I had to look up at her, I told her. There is something about when she pulls my hair that I would do, well not anything but a whole lot more than I want to. Well she really laughed when I told her and she told me it was really sad. She told me to put him on the table and make her tea. After that it was just like usual until I was ready to leave. I just as I was about to pick him up she told me, “No Marilyn, Kendal is going to stay here tonight.” At first I thought she must be joking but I knew from her tone she wasn’t. She said it is my punishment for “jerking off” on the phone. So now I am in my apartment and she has my vibrator! G_d, I hope she doesn’t show it to Ryan. Or USE it! Eeeww!

The weird thing is that I kind of like the idea that she is punishing me. I mean, I would rather he was here than down there but it does make me feel like a naughty girl. Like I have been sent to bed without my dessert. The only problem is that that turns me on and I don’t have Kendal.

Tuesday, March 14, 2000

When I went over to make tea there was a woman there. I almost left as soon as I saw her, but Trish said it was alright. Then she asked if I would mind making them some tea. She has not asked that nicely in weeks. But it still meant I had to bring in the tea tray and pour it for them like the maid. They just kept talking like I wasn’t there, but then Trish started pushing at her shoe with her other foot like she was going to take it off and I saw she was looking at me. I panicked. There was just no WAY I was going to do that with her friend there and I shook my head to tell her so. Luckily she just laughed and asked Shona if she wanted more tea.

After they were done and I cleaned the dishes, Trish said “That will be all for tonight, Marilyn”, like I was her servant! Why can’t she understand that I don’t mind if it is just between us but nobody else. I am going to tell her tomorrow.

She gave me a shoebox when I was leaving and Kendal was inside.

Oh, I decided to skip Margaret this week. It is just this once and I have been thinking that it is kind of pointless recently. Besides, Wayne’s goodbye dinner is on Thursday and it will be easier to tell her I will be busy if I am doing her a favour Wednesday.

Wednesday, March 15, 2000

Well “something special” meant that she “let” me wash her underwear! By hand! This is getting really weird. No, it has been really weird for weeks but that was REALLY weird. I mean, I felt totally ridiculous doing it, like it was totally perverted. I mean it wasn’t. I was just washing her clothes, but somehow it felt perverted because she acted like it was. Like this would be “something special” to me. I spent the whole time wondering what she would think I was thinking while I was doing it. Would she think that washing her underwear would be a big turn on for me? I mean it DID turn me on, but not because it was her underwear, or at least not much, but because she would think it was that and that I was a total pervert. Oh no, she must have caught me peaking up her skirt and thinks I…

oh G_d, what does she think?!

Ryan got home before she did so I haven’t seen her.

Thursday, March 16, 2000

Goodbye dinner for Wayne. Greg, the new computer guy sat right next to me! He is SO hot! I didn’t think he liked me. Not that we have ever talked except the couple of times I had problems, but we talked all the way through dinner. I kind of felt like I was being rude to everybody else but every time I would join their conversation somehow I would end up talking to him again. He is very interesting. And funny, too. I always feel so boring, though. He told me about his trip to Italy and when he asked me about me I didn’t have anything to say. He asked me about a husband, boyfriend, kids and I know he was just trying to be nice and make conversation but I felt like such a loser.

It is sad to see Wayne go. He has been there longer than me and we used to have good talks.

Friday, March 17, 2000

Trish wants me to go down again tomorrow morning and I am supposed to take Kendal. I wish she would leave him out of this. It makes me very uncomfortable to have her see him.

I hope I don’t have to clean all day again. It was okay once, but it is not how I am going to spend my Saturdays.

Saturday, March 18, 2000

She wanted me to do all her housework again! I think she thinks I am just going to do all her cleaning from now on! I was really mad and I guess I looked it because while I was vacuuming she pulled the plug out and said I looked like I was going to kill something with it. She thought that was very funny. Yeah, ha ha, make me come over and do all your damned housework and then laugh when I don’t look thrilled about it. I told her I don’t want to spend every Saturday cleaning HER house and she looked totally shocked and asked if I didn’t like vacuuming for her. No, not particularly, I told her and she just said “Then go scrub the kitchen floor instead”. I couldn’t believe it! I wanted to scream at her, and I kept trying but nothing would come out and after a minute of standing there with her saying “well?” and “go on, go clean the floor” and me feeling totally stupid but just standing there, she finally grabbed a bit of my hair and led me to the broom closet told me to pick up the bucket and then took me to the sink where I filled it. By the time I was on my knees scrubbing I was crying but I was also sort of glad she had helped me do what she wanted. I felt so humiliated washing her floor like she had ordered, but I kept picturing Kendal who was sitting on top of the television.

She just stood there watching me, smiling like she is better than me because she had won. Then while I was rinsing it she suddenly asked, “does this turn you on?” I just froze. How can I answer that? I mean it does, but not the way I think she thinks and I also hate it, too, and even I don’t understand how I can feel both at the same time so how can I explain it to her? She asked again but I didn’t know what to say. Then she got angry and said she wanted an answer and if I was going to be difficult she could be too. And she told me to pull my underwear down!

Well there was NO WAY I was going to do that but she came over and put her hand on the back of my head and pushed it until my face was on the wet floor. Then she stood on my hair so I was trapped there and started saying that she thinks this turns me on, that she thinks I am a dirty pervert who enjoys this and that I say I don’t like cleaning her house but she thinks it’s a lie. And then she told me she would not tell me again to pull my panties down and she was not moving her foot until I did.

I tried fighting and told her to let me go but she told me I knew what to do. I was crying and felt so helpless and embarrassed, especially because I knew that my panties would be wet but they were only getting wetter the longer I stayed like that. It must have been at least a couple of minutes before I realized that I really did not have any choice, so I did it.

She made me pull them right down to my knees and then said that that is how a pervert like me should clean the floor and told me to start cleaning. And I did. I started cleaning her floor with my face pressed to it and when she finally moved her foot I just kept cleaning it, crying with my panties down around my knees. It felt so stupid and I could feel the wetness dripping down my thighs and I was praying that it would not go below my skirt. When I was finished she asked me if I was ready to finish the vacuuming now. I guess I was. I sure wasn’t angry any more and I didn’t even think, I just got up to go do it, feeling ridiculous pulling my underwear back up in front of her, but she said “leave them there”. She made me vacuumed her entire house with my underwear around my ankles!

I was so embarrassed it felt like it was about a thousand degrees in there I just wanted to grab Kendal and run upstairs and either use him or cry. Or both.

And the thing is, the longer I did it the more I liked the feeling, knowing I looked absolutely retarded and that she was laughing at me. And she was. She was playing with Alyssa and laughing and pointing at me. I couldn’t hear what she was saying, but I know she was being mean.

I used to think that maybe she gets turned on embarrassing me the same way I get turned on when she does it, but I don’t think so anymore. I think she just likes being mean to me. Just like all the girls in high school use to. They make themselves feel important by laughing at me and making me feel pathetic. Only now I am helping her. Which only makes me more pathetic. And turned on.

Sunday, March 19, 2000

She just took Kendal away. She came up stairs and made me wash him and give him to her because I kept her awake last night. I kept HER awake? Like how about all the times she’s woken ME up?! It’s my own fault, I guess. I sort of did it deliberately. Last night I was feeling so nasty after what she made me do that I used Kendal in the bedroom for the first time since I found out they could hear me. I wanted her to hear me. I wanted her to know what I was doing and that what she had made me do turned me on. I did it when I first got home and a few more times and finally when they were having sex, but kept going when they stopped. It just felt so nasty and dirty to be doing it when I knew they could hear me that I just kept going. I stopped for a while but thinking about it turned me on again and even when I was telling myself I shouldn’t I couldn’t stop myself. Then she banged on the wall and told me to “stop playing with yourself” and that just made me come SO hard until she told me to “shut the fuck up”. Well that just made

She’s using him! Oh gross, she is using Kendal! Yuck! Oh that is SO disgusting! Oh I feel sick. How could she do that? How can I use him now? Maybe I will have to get a new one. But I don’t WANT a new one. I want Kendal and I don’t want her using MY vibrator. Get your own, you bitch!

Oh I’m going to kill her! I just pounded my fist on the wall and told her to stop and she told me to mind my own business. This IS my business. She is using MY vibrator! Oh yeah and of course she does the huge fake pornstar talk she does with Ryan like she is even better with Kendal then I am. Oh I don’t know what to do. I want to cry but I’m not. What I want to do is use Kendal! Oh that was SO fake. Nobody makes that much noise when they come alone. I don’t think. I know she is just trying to make me jealous. Well I don’t know what I feel, but it isn’t jealousy.

_____

Just had a total meltdown. She has stopped now. I feel…

sort of violated. Like she has ruined something for me. I guess if I clean him really well I can use him again but I just feel like I will always know in the back of my mind.

Monday, March 20, 2000

I barely got any sleep last night worrying about whether I should ask for Kendal back, and thought about it all day, but when I was with her I couldn’t. Well, actually, I was worrying about it but I was also missing Kendal. It’s like with him gone I REALLY need to use him. My panties were wet all day because I kept picturing her at home using him and it is just so gross that it turns me on. The more I thought about it the more it turned me on. It makes me feel pathetic that I just let her take away my vibrator. That I really want to use him and I can’t but she can. I am not even sure if I couldn’t ask for him back because I was embarrassed or because it turns me on that she is making me suffer. Ooh, I can feel my hoo-hoo twinge when I wrote that. I was going to write that maybe it is some of each but now I wonder. G_d, I wish I was normal.

_____

I was just cooking dinner and I heard her using him again and I had to go listen. It made me all wet to picture what she was doing with MY Kendal and I wanted him so badly that I felt like I wanted to cry. But I thought about what I wrote before about liking that she makes me suffer, and it really does turn me on so much. I just wish I could get this turned on and have him too.

Tuesday, March 21, 2000

I am going to get Kendal back! She wants me to babysit again tomorrow and I told her I had an appointment and she said if I do it, she will give me Kendal back. I feel guilty canceling Margaret again, but I just have to. I went through most of the day with wet panties again and, well, I am afraid this just seems more important. That is so sad, Marilyn. But it is true.

Wednesday, March 22, 2000

When I went down tonight Shona was there. I think Trish has told her about me because she looks at me with that same laughing, superior look as Trish.

Trish said they would like to have some tea before they went out. I wanted to just walk out because I already told Trish I don’t like doing that when there are other people around, but I could hardly say it with Shona sitting right there and I couldn’t leave because I had agreed to babysit, so I made them tea and felt myself blushing furiously while I served them. And thinking that I would have Kendal back tonight. Then Trish said her feet were sore and would I mind doing some reflexology on them. I told her I didn’t feel like it tonight, but she said something about didn’t I think I was being paid very well for babysitting tonight and couldn’t I just do some reflexology for the same price. Shona asked how much she was paying me and I was suddenly in panic mode. Trish just smirked at me with this confident “Well…?” look and looked at her feet and I knew I didn’t have a choice so I knelt down and did it and she told Shona that we had “worked out a deal”. So I did it, but I am going to tell her tomorrow that I don’t want to ever do that again when there are other people around.

Anyway, they left after a few minutes and then Trish came back and told me my “little friend” was up in their room and Ryan would not be home until after 9. Then she said “Have fun, Marilyn” in this totally knowing, superior way like she thought I was going to run right up and use him which made me want to not do it but the longer I thought about it and that she thought I would and how dirty it would be to do it in their house the more I knew I was going to. Just knowing he was up there and it was like I could not stop myself. So I did. I checked in on Alyssa and then went up to find him. He was sitting right beside the bed. As soon as I saw him I just knew she hadn’t cleaned him so before I even touched him I leaned down to smell him. It smelled so gross! How can she be so disgusting? Yuck! I didn’t even want to touch him so I picked him up with a tissue and went down to clean him THOROUGHLY. But then what? What if one of them came home? They would see me in the living room and I didn’t want to be caught in their bedroom. I think it took me like half an hour to get up the courage to do it but I finally did. I started in the living room but then I wanted to do it in their bedroom so I did it on their bed and that just felt so dirty and sick that I kept picturing them standing watching me like they were making me perform for them.

Anyway, I put Kendal away in my apartment before Ryan got home so I have him now. I am a bit scared to use him because she might take him away again, I think in the living room with the door shut is probably okay.

Thursday, March 23, 2000

She just totally humiliated me in front of Ryan! All because I tried to tell her I hate it when she makes me do things with other people around. So instead of listening to me she made it even worse! I had already planned on telling her that I didn’t like making tea with Shona there. I thought about it all day today so when Ryan answered the door I was doublely determined. I told her I had just come to tell her I couldn’t stay and she asked me why so I told her I didn’t like making tea when there are other people there and she said “YOU don’t like? Did I ask you what YOU like?”. Then she came over and pulled my hair back and took my face in her other hand. She must somehow know that is how to make me do what she wants. She told me I am a naughty ungrateful girl and she doesn’t know why she bothers being nice enough to let me wash her underwear. Ryan was standing right there! G_D, I wanted to die. I could feel myself blushing and I tried to twist away but I couldn’t and I just ended up crying which made me feel even more pathetic. But they didn’t say anything they just watched me cry and blush and after a while I also started to love feeling so helpless and pathetic. When I had finally finished crying she asked me if I was ready to make them some tea and then she whispered in my ear, or did I want her to tell Ryan what I did on their bed last night. I don’t know how she knows because I thought I fixed it up, but I know she does.

Anyway, by then I just wanted her to let me go so I gave in and did it. My stomach was so upset I felt like I might throw up and every time I thought about what Ryan had seen and what he must think of me I could feel myself blushing again. And the thing is, making them tea and serving it, and even rubbing her feet seem like such a little things, especially compared to having her pull my hair in front of Ryan. But it still makes me feel totally retarded to do it. Not that it really matters how I feel because after tonight I know I will be doing it no matter who is there. I hate that I was so determined to stop it and that she made me do it anyway. It also really scares me because I just feel like she could make me do anything and I couldn’t say no.

Friday, March 24, 2000

Ryan went out after work so Trish asked me to stay for dinner. It didn’t even really surprise me or bother me when I had to make it for her. And I was even a little surprised when I got to eat with her because I was half expecting her to make me serve her like tea. But it was nice and we talked about everyday things. Oh, at one point I said something about Mrs Baker and she said that if I called the last owner by her last name she thought it would be respectful if I called her by her last name. So now I am supposed to call her Mrs Barnabas which seems weird since she is a little younger than me, but I don’t actually call her by name very often so it doesn’t really matter. I liked it when she said it would be ‘more respectful’. I don’t know why, but I did.

Saturday, March 25, 2000

Had an early hair appointment but after it I just went down to Trish’s even though she never told me to. Oops, I guess I should say Mrs Barnabas’. Anyway, I just know she expects me to clean her house from now on and after Thursday night I just felt like there was not much point in not doing what she wants because I know I will eventually. Besides, last night she said that it was a lot more peaceful when Kendal was at her house so I am afraid if I get her mad she may take him away again.

So I cleaned her whole house and did her laundry and hand washed her underwear – she acts like that is some big thrill for me when it is really just kind of gross. When we were eating lunch she said that I had not called her “Mrs Barnabas” once all day and that she thinks it would be nice if I said “Yes, Mrs Barnabas” whenever she asks me to do something and would I do that? Then there was one of those long silences where I know what I am supposed to do but I can’t make myself do it and the longer it goes on the harder it gets and the stupider I feel. She looks at me with this laughing, expectant “well…?” look that says we both know I am going to do it eventually. And like always I finally did it, I said “Yes, Mrs Barnabas” and she gave me this mean, laughing look that said that she had won and I had lost and that she cannot believe how pathetic I am. We didn’t talk after that. I lost my appetite so I just sat there feeling pathetic, especially because I could feel myself getting wet. Then she said I could wash the dishes before I got back to work and I knew what she wanted so I just swallowed and said quickly “Yes, Mrs Barnabas” before I could think too much. I had to say it a bunch of times after that and every time it felt like a big deal. It’s funny after everything else I do, but it seems like such a big thing to me.

Now I am babysitting while they go out for dinner. Writing about all this makes me want to go get Kendal. I want to go do it on their bed again. I don’t know why, but it just seems so dirty. Pathetic. I use that word a lot. I guess I like feeling pathetic. Well, I don’t know that I like it, but it turns me on. And I sure do it a lot these days. I wonder how she knew that I did it on their bed last week? I was so careful to straighten the bed after. I have thought about it and I really think she just knew that if she left me alone in their apartment and told me that Kendal was in their bedroom that I would not be able to stop myself from using him on their bed. She makes me feel so predictable. So transparent. It freaks me out because I always thought that nobody could tell all the sick things in my head so I was safe, but if Trish Mrs Barnabas can tell then maybe other people can, too. Oh, that’s stupid, people cannot read your mind. Except for Trish. That really scares me. But it kind of turns me on, too. Like she can see right into my soul and knows all the sickest, scariest things about me. It is really embarrassing to think she knows it all, but it is kind of freeing, too. Like there is fresh air in a deep dark place that I never…

oh I don’t know. That is all crazy. If she were a nice person it might be fresh air but she isn’t. She is mean and instead of being nice when she sees one of my hidden bits she just uses it to hurt me to make herself feel superior. Or maybe she does it because you love it, Marilyn. You do love it. You hate it and hate her, but you totally love it too and you wouldn’t have it any other way. Otherwise, how come I used Kendal last night when I knew she was in bed and Ryan was out. I deliberately wanted her to know I was doing it. I think I was, no, I KNOW I was hoping she would do something like call me up and make fun of me or pound on the wall or even take Kendal away again. Why would I want that? But it’s true. I loved it when she had him and I was not “allowed” to do it. I don’t know why I loved that, but I did. I am going to go do it. I am going to get him and do it on their bed and I am not going to straighten it so she knows what I did.

_____

I did it. But now I am having second thoughts. What if she gets really mad? It seemed like a good idea while I was doing it, but now I am thinking about how mean she can be and how horrible it was when she was mad at me on Thursday. I wonder what she will do? What if she gets REALLY mad? I think I better go fix it.

_____

Oh G-d, I think I may be in trouble. When I went up to make the bed I saw I had made bit of a mess on their duvet so I got a damp cloth but that just made a wet spot so I was going to get a towel to try to dry it but they came home right then. Luckily I was already downstairs but there is a big wet spot on the duvet and this diary was on the couch and I just know I looked guilty. I just hope they don’t…

Someone is coming up stairs!

_____

I feel sick. It was awful. She was really angry and she has taken Kendal away and she did it all in front of Ryan which just made me want to die. When she pounded on my door and I answered she grabbed my hair and dragged me into my bedroom. Then she told me to get my vibrator and when I had him she grabbed my hair again and pulled me down stairs and into their apartment and then up to their bedroom. Ryan was sitting in the chair and I was so aware of him watching when she pulled my hair until my face was right over the wet spot.

“What is THAT?” she demanded and what was I supposed to say. I couldn’t think of what to say.

After she asked a few times I finally managed to say “I made a mess”

“On MY bed?!” she yelled and I nodded. I think I was crying by then. I don’t remember. Then she asked me what I had been doing, over and over again but I couldn’t say it. Not with Ryan there. So I just cried harder which made me feel more stupid. She finally gave up and said she knew what I had been doing, “jerking off” and made me admit it and then called me a dirty little slut and told me to clean it. I couldn’t even tell her that I already had so I went and got the cloth again and a towel. I could feel them watching me and wished I was dead. I must have been beet red.

I feel like I want to throw up. Why was I so stupid? It is bad enough about Mrs Barnabas, but that he was watching it all, too, is just too much.

Oh, this is crazy. I have got to stop this. I don’t understand what is happening to me. How could I have been doing that in their bed? I mean, it is just totally crazy. I feel totally obsessed. It can’t be good for me. But do I want to stop? Could I stop if I wanted to? I feel like she has a hold on me. I think I would have to move. I don’t want to move. No, you don’t want to stop. You are loving this. G_d, I hate myself. It just keeps getting crazier and I feel totally out of control. But I think I like feeling out of control. I think my problem is that I do not feel as if she is in control. Like she does not know when to stop. When enough is enough. I wish she would just go slower. It is all just too much for a little person to take all at once.

It’s crazy. I am going to give my notice. It is almost the end of the month. I wish I didn’t have to live here for another 60 days, but I will just have to be strong. And besides, I really don’t want to move right away. It will be better to have some time to get used to the idea.

Sunday, March 26, 2000

I am so confused. It all made perfect sense last night but now it is all confusing again.

I fell asleep on the couch last night and woke up with her talking to me through the wall saying “Marilyn, are you awake? Are you listening? Marilyn, Ryan is fucking me up the ass, Marilyn”

I mean, who wants to be woken up like that. It wasn’t just that she was telling me, it was the sing-songy tone. Like teasing. Well that, and she was grunting the whole time.

I tried putting my hands over my ears but then…

well I don’t know why but I took them off. I guess I wanted to hear what she was saying even more than I didn’t want to hear. I don’t even remember going into the bedroom, but most of what happened I was right at the wall.

She kept telling me how good it felt, then she asked if I wanted to know a secret. She kept asking until I finally yelled “no! Go away!” but she just said “yes you do. You want to know this secret.” And I suddenly realized how well she knows me cause yes, I really did want to know her stupid secret. And I knew I would not like whatever it was but I wanted to know anyway, just so I could not like it. She wouldn’t tell me until I asked her though and I was damned if I was going to do that. But she just kept talking and talking and finally I just asked her to shut her up.

She said that she had Kendal and he was “titty fucking” her and pretty soon he was going to go down on her and wasn’t it unfair that she had two boys and I didn’t have any and did I miss my boyfriend.

She is such a bitch!

Then she started asking me if I was playing with myself, which I wasn’t. Well, I mean obviously I wasn’t but I wasn’t even grinding. She may know a lot about what I am thinking, but she does not know that cause she kept asking if I was fingering myself. It felt really good that she could be wrong about something. She kept bugging me to tell her if I was until, like always, I just snapped and told her to shut her up. But then she started telling me to. Oh, and also how good Kendal felt cause I could hear him. She said she likes thinking of me alone and desperately fingering myself while she was getting fucked by both her husband and my boyfriend. She also said that Ryan likes to think of it too and would I like to show him how I do it.

Well I had been grinding a little up until then but picturing having to do it in front of him, having him see that I can’t even do that right, suddenly I didn’t care if she won and I rolled over and started humping my wrist feeling totally pathetic and it took a long time, but finally she kept asking if I would like it, telling me it was okay to admit it, and stuff until I screamed “yes” and started crying and then she came and then he came.

Maybe 10 minutes later, the phone rang. It was her. She told me I had been a good girl and asked me if I had come. I was so drained I didn’t even care about telling her I didn’t. She was being very nice to me and asked if I was not able to without Kendal and I just told her not usually. I felt so empty that it just did not matter what I told her. She told me it was okay that I had not come because they had both come huge and that was the important thing, but that she would let me use Kendal later if I wanted. And what did I say? “Thank you, Mrs Barnabas”

Thank you for letting me use my own vibrator. And the thing is, I meant it. It actually felt like she was doing something nice for me.

G_d, it’s Oscars night and I am supposed to go over to Dee’s in time for the Red carpet and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. Oh well, maybe it will be good just to get out of here.

_____

She just called to ask if I would like to use Kendal. No. No, I really don’t. At the moment I feel like I don’t care if I ever use him again.

Monday, March 27, 2000

I worried all day about how I would face her, but when I got there it just seemed to be fine. I made tea, rubbed her feet, we talked about the Oscars. Ryan was there but even that was okay. A few times I would think about what happened yesterday and how weird it was to be talking to them now like nothing had happened, but it was okay.

Greg came by my office today and we had a long talk about the Oscars. I told him I had not really gotten into American Beauty and that it just seemed like the director had a video of a plastic bag and wrote a movie around it. He was totally shocked. He thought it was one of the best movies ever made. He said that every character is a part of each of us and that it makes you question human nature and the difference between fantasy and reality and how instinct leads us toward something while our brains are leading us somewhere else. Huh? Maybe I need to see it again. While he was talking I was thinking I could really use some advice on fantasy and reality and my instinct leading me places my brain thinks is a really bad idea.

I like Greg. It was very nice of him to come by. He says we should get an office Oscar pool together for next year.

Tuesday, March 28, 2000

Got my period today.

Mrs Barnabas said it has been much more peaceful since Kendal has been staying with her. But she told me that any time I want to use him, I just have to ask. That is just so crazy. Like I am supposed to just go down and knock on the door and say “Please, Mrs Barnabas, may I borrow my vibrator to go masturbate?” What, and am I supposed to bring it back when I am done? I just don’t understand how she thinks this makes any sense at all. It is not just not fair, it is retarded. There can’t be another woman on the planet that is supposed to…

to ask her landlady if she can borrow her own vibrator. Aaaa! Thank G_d I don’t feel like using him.

Wednesday, March 29, 2000

While I was rubbing her feet she asked me if I found it difficult to ask to use Kendal. I told her I didn’t think I could so she asked if it would be easier if she just told me when I could. I said yes. I mean, it is easier. But I won’t necessarily feel like it when she tells me to and it is still going to be totally embarrassing.

I haven’t figured out if I should give notice or not. It hasn’t been so bad this week. Well, except that I have not been able to use my vibrator all week. I’ve thought about buying a new one but she would just take that one, too.

Thursday, March 30, 2000

When I finished washing up the tea things I asked her if that would be all – funny, I don’t even remember when that started, I don’t think she ever told me to, it just seemed natural – and she told me to come over to her chair and then told me to kneel. She patted my head and told me I had done a good job and earned a treat, and then handed Kendal to me and told me to into the bathroom. I said thank you and even though I wanted to scream, I just did as I’d been told. As I left the room she said “have fun”. It was like a dagger in my back. But I did it. I sat on the edge of the tub and thought about how disgusting I am that I let her do these things to me and how she could hear that I was doing exactly what she had told me, and the more disgusted I got the more excited I got until came.

I felt terrible afterward. I washed him off and went back out and gave him back to her and left without saying a word. I still feel horrible.

Friday, March 31, 2000

She had me kneel beside her again – I like kneeling there, it feels good – and held out Kendal, but then asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom again. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t exactly want to, but I didn’t not want to either. I couldn’t make myself say “yes”, but I didn’t want to say “no” so I just knelt there like an idiot looking at Kendal, trying to decide what to say and thinking about when I used to be able to use him whenever I wanted. Finally she got impatient and said she did not have all day and did I want to go to the bathroom or not. I just nodded and took him and left.

Okay, if I am going to be honest with myself, I can say I feel horrible and disgusted with myself when I am in there doing it like a trained seal – and I really do feel awful – but the truth is that I feel really great, too. I don’t know how I can feel both those things at once, but I do. I don’t even know why I feel so good. Maybe…

It feels like fresh air. Like the dirty thoughts I have always had are somehow not so bad because she being mean to me. That doesn’t make any sense. But that is what it feels like. When I went back to give her Kendal again, she asked me if I had a nice time and I nodded, but I was suddenly filled with a feeling of deep gratitude and said “Thank you, Mrs.

Barnabas”. I am not even sure for what. Not for letting me masturbate in her bathroom. Maybe for giving me some small nice thing for all the bad things she does to me. Or maybe for being mean and nice to me in the way I seem to like it. Even though I hate it too. That does not make any sense. But I am beginning to think that none of this makes any sense and that I have to just stop trying to make it. I just know that when I thanked her, I really meant it.

I am not going to give my notice this month. I will give it one more month and then decide.

[There are 5 ½ more months of this journal. Available at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/67395 ]

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