Free Sex Story

Sex Joke

101 Uses For Vaseline

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. “Good morning madam, I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?”
“Oh yes, all the time. It’s very good for cuts, grazes and burns.”
“Do you use it for anything else?”
“Like what?”
“Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex.”
“Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!”

Read 355879 times |
Rated 35.9 % |
(31489 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

poitry

ok 2 guys are working at a dead end job one is white and the other is black the white guy is always happy and the black wanted to know why so he asked him why are you happy all the time well the white guy says i get some every night well the blank guy is shocked so he asks how so the man said powms so the black guy comes in the next morning all beat to shit and the white guy asks why so the black guy says i tryed the poitry shit did not work so the white guy asks what he said so he said he told her black bitch black bitch fat as a hog why dont you roll over so i can fuck you like a dog
thank you

Read 14091 times |
Rated 37 % |
(108 votes)

Vote list (Close) :the gentlemen
: NEGATIVE

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

1 2 3 4

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him “this is all in your mind”, and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, “I can cure this”, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke….
The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘1 2 3’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens after when its over?”.
The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1 2 3 4’ and it will go down”. “But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!”
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news… So he is lying in bed with her and says “1 2 3”, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.
His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘1 2 3’ for?”

Read 260789 times |
Rated 37.1 % |
(10430 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

BLONDES IN A TREE

hat do you call ten naked blondes in a tree?
Ans: Country.

Read 109689 times |
Rated 38.3 % |
(2285 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Bluesin69
: NEGATIVE

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

3 newlywed wives

Three recently married couples spend their honeymoon’s first night in the same hotel. The next morning the three woman meet in the hall and decide to have breakfast together and to gossip about their wedding night, although one of them claims she won’t be eating anything. The first starts enthusiastic, “Last night my husband put his whole hand inside me!” The second bride, not surprised at all, proudly takes her turn at once, “Mhuh… my husband put his whole arm inside me!” Then, both women look at the third one who, although moving very clumsily, stares at them with ambiguous satisfaction in her whole body, looks down on her hip and cries out to it, “Hey John, come out and say hello to Sarah and Pam!”

Read 239591 times |
Rated 38.9 % |
(15381 votes)

Vote list (Close) :James Dylan Dean
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

kinky king

This joke is between KING & HIS MINISTER …..
Today there is a serious conflict between the king & queen so he can’t even touch her fingertip even he is so horny…!!
The next day in the cabinet …..
KING: Hae! Why your right nostril is bigger than your left one??
Do any one drilled your nose??
Minister: yes! Lord!
KING: who the Fuck did this to you ??
Minister: you only my lord!!
KING: me? How that could be possible ??
Minister: lord…!
Yesterday when you are drunk, you just entered
my room instead of yours..
& thinking of my nose as queens ass hole…you just rammed my nose so sore …
KING: Why the Fuck, you didn’t shouted??
Minister: because your nut sac was deep into my mouth…
I too tried shouting ! But you heard as if I was moaning in pleasure …
KING: !!!*****!!

Read 18318 times |
Rated 39.4 % |
(213 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Dolman69
: NEGATIVE

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

drive

this man walk into bar . he meet a woman in bar so he buy her a drink and they get to be talking. he buy her some more and they keep talking. so she say do you wanna go somewhere big boy? so he say sure my car is out front. he drive them to lovers lane. she and him make out. she say you want a blowjob? he say yeah. so she say i forgot to say i’m an escort, but i give you blowjob for only$50. he really horny now so he agree. after they sitting there. she say are we going? he say i forgot to say i’m a limo driver and i’ll drive you home for only $50 us money. the end

Read 20229 times |
Rated 39.7 % |
(136 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Wimmers
: POSITIVEwilliamgeorgefraser
: NEGATIVEMsr.Shakespeare
: NEGATIVE

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

3 Eggs And A Little Cash!

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.
“Oh those”, she replied, “every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box”.
Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, “But what about the $7,000?”
“Oh that”, she replied, “every time I got a dozen I sold them.”

Read 216902 times |
Rated 40.1 % |
(20158 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

M. J.

Q:why does micheal jackson like 29 year olds
A: because there’s 20 of them

Read 41685 times |
Rated 40.5 % |
(307 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

A Before And After Scene

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, “Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn’t quite ready for bye-byes yet.”
The wife takes the hint and says, “OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.” So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone “Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?”
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts “Clumsy bitch.”

Read 251033 times |
Rated 40.5 % |
(16213 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

The Girl I met on New Years Eve

I met a girl at a party on New Years Eve. She was about 5’5 or 5’7. Strawberry blond hair with a trendy short neck-length haircut, almond brown eyes. Attractive, and certainly nothing wrong with her. She was a little aloof in her social circles, but that wasn’t what I was concerned with.
We talked and drank, and watched the ball drop on the rented big-screen.
Later that night we wind up in a bedroom and we start kissing, which leads to groping, and we decide this is how were gonna ring in the new year, but my conscience comes up.
(Hey, who do you think you are taking advantage of a drunk girl?)
My conscience asked me.
“She not drunk. I’ll prove it.”
“Hey are you really drunk?” I asked her.
“No?” She answered questioningly.
“See, are you happy now?” I asked my conscience.
(Well, you do have a condom right?)
“Oh right. forgot about that.” So I got my pants from the floor, fished out the protection, and put on the rubber.
“Satisfied?”
(Well how do you know she’s over 18?)
“Couldn’t you have asked me that before all that? Fine, I’ll ask.”
“You are over 18, right?”
“Yeah?” She answered again.
(She could be lying. Ask to see her ID card.)
“Ughh, Fine!”
“Can I see you I.D. just to be sure?”
“Sure…”
So I reach over the edge of the bed to get her pants and wallet from inside it. Sure enough, she was 20.
“Now are you happy?” I asked my conscience.
“Excuse me…” The girl asked me.
“But who are you talking to?”
“……..”
It’s probably no surprise to me, that she hasn’t returned any of my calls the following week…. or ever again.

Read 31929 times |
Rated 40.8 % |
(444 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

2 Smokin’ Old Ladies

Two women, both in their late 60s and still smoking, are walking down a street when it begins to rain. The first old lady pulls out a condom and places it on the end of her cigarette. The other lady, not knowing about condoms asks,” Whats that?” The other lady responds,”Its a condom, you can buy it in the store.” As they pass a 7/11, they walk in and the lady without a condom asks the man behind the counter,”Do you have condoms here?” The man behind the counter asks,”What size do you need?” The woman pauses and looks at her cigarette. “Oh I dunno, one big enough to fit a Camel.”

Read 131029 times |
Rated 40.8 % |
(8813 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

10 husbands, still a virgin?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Read 575793 times |
Rated 41.5 % |
(33601 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Temmeh
: NEGATIVECly
: POSITIVEGreendragon
: POSITIVEamp101
: NEGATIVEvaughanie74
: POSITIVEkingd1991
: POSITIVESatan’s Boy Pussy
: POSITIVEKicha
: POSITIVEbobstoy
: POSITIVExxzedxx
: POSITIVESelainaFieri
: POSITIVETobyB
: POSITIVEsoutherngentleman87
: POSITIVElovesakhi
: POSITIVEaninc
: POSITIVEstrandedone
: POSITIVEBlueNight
: POSITIVECynthia Purrple
: POSITIVEBCboy
: POSITIVEjdm320
: POSITIVERobn68
: POSITIVEjerry3ddd
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

Sex Joke

what’s yo favorite thang??…huh?

Two black girls are walking along, one says to the other,” how old is you?”
younger one says,”i dunno.”….Older says, “What’s yo favorite thing?”…..younger says, “watermellon.”
Older says, “you is 10”
Black lady walks into a pharmacy and looks perplexed as she peruses all of the choices on the feminine product isle.
A young employee comes over to see if he can help. “Can i help you at all mam, you seem confused!”
“There’s so many of them, i jus cait decide!”…..the employee takes it upon himself to try to assist further, asking,” well what kind of flow do you have?”
the black lady looks at him and says,” linoleum.”

Read 18549 times |
Rated 41.9 % |
(217 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:  Â