A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, “wheres my money?”
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says “gets paid for sex.”
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, “Eats bush and leaves!”

Read 259903 times |
Rated 49 % |
(11698 votes)

Vote list (Close) :vaughanie74
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on. One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love, and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She says, “Honey, how could you do this? All this time you’ve never told me! Explain yourself immediately!!”
The husband says, “Okay, I’ll explain. But first you explain the kids.”

Read 81463 times |
Rated 49 % |
(2637 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.”
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

Read 126254 times |
Rated 49 % |
(3597 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A middle aged man is walking along a beach when he notices a bottle lying in the sand. He stops to pick it up and when he uncorks it, a genie appears. The genie tells the man that if he makes a wish, it will be granted. The man thinks for a moment and remembers how much he loved drinking fine champagne, which he no longer could afford to purchase, so he asks the genie for the opportunity to drink champagne every day. The genie grants his wish and tells the man that when he returns home all he had to do is pee; that in the evening his urine will now be fine champagne.
When the guy returns home that evening and asks his wife to bring two champagne glasses into their living room. She complied, wondering where the champagne was. He then told her about the genie and his request and then proceeded to pee into each of the glasses. Then he hesitantly put the glass to his lips and drank the liquid. When the liquid hit his taste buds, he burst into a big grin. To his amazement the liquid in his glass tasted even better than Dom Perignon. He then asked his wife to sample hers. She does and also is amazed.
The next night when the man returns home from work, he again asks his wife to bring the champagne glasses into the room, wherein he proceeds to pee into each of them and the two of them drink champagne until they both have enough. This routine continues throughout the week until one day, the man comes home and asks his wife to come into the living room without the champagne glasses. She looks confused and wonders if maybe tonight they won’t be drinking champagne. She notices her husband pulling his penis out of his pants but this time he asks her to put her mouth on it.
“You mean we aren’t going to be drinking that wonderful champagne again tonite?” she asked him.
“Of course we’ll drink champagne,” he replies, ” but this time we are going to be drinking from the bottle.”

Read 33900 times |
Rated 49 % |
(219 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat?
When she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo.

Read 31962 times |
Rated 49 % |
(260 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist t talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”

Read 96671 times |
Rated 49 % |
(3561 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray haired man sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said: “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted: “You don’t have any hands either!”
Again, the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently: “Are you still good in bed?”
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile: “I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”

Read 69491 times |
Rated 49 % |
(2200 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

An old man and an old woman, who lived near each other in a large apartment complex, soon became friends after each one lost their spouse. Every Saturday evening at 6:00 pm sharp, the man would visit the woman’s apartment, bringing a rented video. Then she would serve him some wine, cook him dinner, and they would sit on the sofa and watch the movie together. During the movie, she would unzip the man’s pants and place her hand on his penis. This same sequence of events would occur each and every Saturday evening. Then one evening the old man didn’t show up. The old woman decided to do a little investigating. She watched him leave his apartment and head to the apartment of Mrs. Renfrow, another widow down the hallway.
Then she decided to confront him about the other woman. She told him, “You know when you didn’t show up last Saturday, I got suspicious and watched you leave your apartment and saw you enter the apartment of Mrs. Renfrow down the hall. What gives? What does Mrs. Renfrow have that I don’t have?”
The man replied, “Parkinson’s.”

Read 31073 times |
Rated 49 % |
(232 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new “city” outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, “Yes ma’am, ya see, I’m from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit.”
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, “Where he would like to start?”
“Well ma’am, how about a suit?”
“Yes sir, what size?”
“Size 53 … tall, ma’am.”
“Wow, that’s really big.”
“Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”
“What’s next?” she asked.
He replied, “How about some shoes.”
“What size?”
“Size 15 … double D.”
“Wow, that’s really big!”
“Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”
“What’s next?”
“Well, I reckon I’ll need a shirt.”
“Yes sir, what size?”
“Nineteen and a half … 38,” he replied.
“Wow, that’s really big!”
“Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”
She virtually glowed as she asked, “Whew … is there anything else I can do for you?”
“No ma’am , I reckon that will be all.”
Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, “Sir could I ask you a question?”
“Yes ma’am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches.”
She is astonished and blurts out, “Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!”
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, “Across ma’am?”

Read 236315 times |
Rated 49 % |
(9563 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

After cutting off her husband’s penis, Lorena Bobbitt was at a loss as to what to do with it. So, she decided to go for a drive in the countryside looking for the perfect spot to ditch it. As she was driving around, she got very nervous having a large, cut off, penis in her purse, so instead of stopping, she heaved it out of her car. Behind her car was a pickup truck with two guys riding in the front seat. John Bobbitt’s penis struck the front of their windshield and went, “splat.”
“Did you see the size of the bug that just hit the windshield?” the guy in the passenger seat asked.
“Yeah, but did you see how big his cock was?” replied the driver.

Read 30786 times |
Rated 49 % |
(193 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

OLD WOMAN IN PROSTITUTE STING LINE-UP
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
“Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”……… The policeman fainted.

Read 64962 times |
Rated 49 % |
(1609 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Why do women fake orgasm?
Ans: Because men fake foreplay.

Read 33280 times |
Rated 49 % |
(214 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
“You’ve led a long and good life” the genie said, “I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen.”
The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. “Ok” she said, “turn all those dirty dishes into money.” With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
“My” said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, “Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?” There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, “Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?”
Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said “At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!”
The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, “Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet’s shouldn’t you!”

Read 39272 times |
Rated 49 % |
(595 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. This big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, “What’s wrong with you?” In a very weak voice, the little guy says, “Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?” The big dude says, “I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.” The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around!”

Read 93647 times |
Rated 49 % |
(3455 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A guy is half way across a tightrope stretched out over Niagara Falls. Half way across the world somewhere is a man getting a blow job by a ninety-year old woman. They both have the exact same thought at the same time: “Don’t look down!”

Read 31538 times |
Rated 49 % |
(145 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A man comes to the counter and asks for some insecticide condoms. The lady at the counter says, “Sir you must be kidding.”
The man says, “no ma’am. My wife has a bug up her ass and I’m going after it.”

Read 50549 times |
Rated 49 % |
(996 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

FARM BOY WHO NEEDED TO DO HIS CHORES
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don”t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, ” I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

Read 225497 times |
Rated 49 % |
(11640 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Monkey-Qween
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown.”
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, “Are you Ok??”
In a very weak voice Mike says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?”
The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
Mike said, “Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said “Turn Around.”

Read 265330 times |
Rated 49 % |
(14245 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: – $1.50.
Chicken Sandwich: – $2.50.
Hand Job: – $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”
“I was wondering”, whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
“Yes”, she purrs, “indeed I am”
The man replies “Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”

Read 237319 times |
Rated 49 % |
(12959 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
“Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. – Your Husband”
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”

Read 207705 times |
Rated 49.1 % |
(11040 votes)

Vote list (Close) :chewbaccaman
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”
The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

Read 149508 times |
Rated 49.1 % |
(7252 votes)

Vote list (Close) :punkiedoo
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

A man’s wife goes to the doctor claiming that her husband has recently become poor in bed. The doctor gives her some pills, tells her that if she slips one pill in her husband’s drink at dinner, she will have the best sex in years. Then asks her to call in a week with the results.
That night the woman places one pill in her husband’s drink at dinner and has the best sex that she has had in years. That next night she thinks: What would happen if I slipped two of them in his drink? She did and the results were even better. The next night, she adds a third, and WOW!
After a week has passed and the doctor hasn’t heard from her, he becomes worried and goes to the couple’s home. As he walks to the door, he sees a little boy crying on the front doorstep. “What is wrong?” he asks the boy.
The boy replies in cries and tears. “Mommy’s dead, sister’s in the hospital, my butt hurts and daddy is in the back saying, ‘Here kitty, kitty, kitty.”‘

Read 35907 times |
Rated 49.1 % |
(245 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says “I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days”.
The husband says “Why? Don’t you have any vases?”

Read 31925 times |
Rated 49.1 % |
(192 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Two eighty-year olds were trying to decide what to do on their upcoming vacation. Since the had never been a part for even one night of their married life, they decided to go on separate vacations. So the old guy packed his bathing suit and headed for Florida. While the lady packed her bikini and went to San Francisco. After several days, the old lady received this telegram from her husband: “Never realized I could have so much fun. I’ve found myself two twenty-year old blondes in bikinis and I’m never coming home.”
Several days later the man received his telegram: “I likewise have found two twenty-year old studs here on the beach in San Francisco…and I’m not coming home either…and remember, twenty goes into eighty more times than eighty goes into twenty.”

Read 31241 times |
Rated 49.1 % |
(203 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A Marine pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?
He explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well”, explains the pilot, “it says you’re not wearing any panties….”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!”
The pilot taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

Read 111656 times |
Rated 49.1 % |
(4233 votes)

Vote list (Close) :waqar1805
: NEGATIVE

Please rate this text:   

Ole took Inga home with him and took off his shirt. Inga says, “Ole, dat’s some chest you have dare.”
Ole says, “Inga, dat’s a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite.” Next he took off his pants.
Inga says, “Ole, dat’s nice calves you have dare.”
Ole says, “Inga, dat’s a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite.” Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Inga screamed and ran out the door. Ole put his clothes back on and ran out after her. Catching her, Ole said, “Inga, viy did you run out like dat?”
Inga said, “Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas going to explode ven I saw how short da fuse vas!”

Read 30640 times |
Rated 49.1 % |
(237 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Is there something on my face?

It seems that a young couple had just got married and spent their first wedding night with the young man’s parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newly-weds. After a long wait, the family ate without them.
The mother said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat?”
The groom’s young brother said, “Mommy, I think…”
“Oh, shut up. I don’t want to hear what you think!” said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.
As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.
At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day.
The young lad once again said, “Mommy I think…”
“Well, what is it that you think?” asked the mother rather testily.
“I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!”

Read 44723 times |
Rated 49.1 % |
(346 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Goldie, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir,” how are you?
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied.
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes,” he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. “Do you like pussycats?”
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

Read 60696 times |
Rated 49.1 % |
(1429 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Thanks for all the comment for my last story. It inspired me to write this