A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”
The mother replies “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”
“You’re wasting your time,” said the boy.
“Why is that?” asked his Mom, puzzled.
“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”

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Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.
The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.
The second lady looks at that and says, “That’s such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?”
“It’s a condom,” The first lady replies.
“Well, where can you buy those?”
the second lady asks.
“Um… Most people buy them at pharmacies.” the first lady replies.
So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.
“Do you guys sell those condom things?” she asks the pharmacist.
“Why yes we do,” the pharmacist says a little confused, “Do you know what size you need?”
So the lady says, “Well it’s got to fit a Camel.”

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A guy and his wife had been married for over 40 years when one day after returning from a visit to her doctor, the wife relayed some horrible news. Her doctor had diagnosed her with terminal cancer and told her she only had six months to live! The husband was terribly distraught and decided to pay her doctor a visit to see what he could do to prepare himself for the rough patch ahead.
At the doctor’s office he asked, “What can I do to help my wife through this time in her life? How can I keep her comfortable while cancer destroys her body?”
The doctor answered him: “You need to be there for her and try and comply with whatever she needs from you without asking questions. She needs your support and help, not your pity and she doesn’t need to see you unable to help her.”
The guy thought it over and realized the advice was good and wise and he would do whatever his wife requested from him. It didn’t take long before his wife asked him this: “Honey, since I don’t have very long to live, could we do something I always wished we could do in bed?”
“What is it dear,” her husband answered.
“I would love to have oral sex with you just so I know what it feels like.”
“Sure,” the husband responded back without hesitation. And that night in bed the couple shared oral sex for the very first time and enjoyed it immensely. In fact they enjoyed it so much that’s all they did every night for the next five months. Then upon another doctor’s visit for a check-up, the doctor discovered that there was no trace of the cancer whatsoever inside the woman’s body. So he called the couple in for a consultation in his office.
The doctor was seated behind his desk in his office and seated in front of him in chairs was the couple. He told them that he had performed all kinds of tests including x-rays and MRIs and the cancer had miraculously disappeared from the woman’s body and for all practical purposes, she was now cancer free; that he had no idea what they could have done to cause this to happen; that something strange must have occurred to alter the course of her life. The woman was delighted to hear the news and joy spread across her face. The doctor looked over at her husband and noticed how sad he appeared. There were tears running down his checks and he was noticeably disappointed and upset. So he said to the husband, “Didn’t you hear me tell you both the good news? Your wife is cancer free. Whatever you both did worked! Why do you look so sad?”
The husband replied dejectedly, “If only I had known, I could have saved mom.”

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A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and says “I want a tattoo of a turkey on the inside of my right leg, and on the inside of my left leg I want a tattoo of a Christmas tree”
The guy doing the tattoo goes “Why do you want tattoos of those things?”
The lady replies with: “Well because my husband always complains that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

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A six year old kid walks in to his parents’ room. When he opened the door, he stopped in shock when he saw his father pumping away at his mom.
The kid says, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The father was surprised to hear his kid’s voice from behind so he stopped pumping, but didn’t pull his rod out. Without turning his head, he answered…. “Ah, er….. Nothin’ son, ah…… I was just…. I was just parkin my car…… inside your mom’s garage.”
“Really?” the boy replies.
“Ah,……yeah.”
“Well,” said the kid, “you’d have to push more pedal, Dad, because the rear wheels aren’t in yet.”

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Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.
Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.
“Sister,” he asked, “I wonder if you could tell me about this?” (pointing to the crystal bowl)
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful?”
“I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven’t had a cold all winter!”

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What is the difference between a steel belted radial and 365 used condoms?
Ans: One is a Goodyear and the other is a GREAT YEAR!

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A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. “Do you like to screw?” he asks.
“Huh?!” replied the surprised young man.
“My daughter, she loves to screw and she’s very good at it. You and she should go screw.” carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, “Yes, sir!” Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, “Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it’s the TWIST!”

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Q: How do you make four old ladies say “FUCK!”?
A: Get a fifth one to yell “BINGO!”

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A man walks into a brothel and is greeted at the front entrance by the madam. He asks her what services they offer and what the fees are. She then tells him that blow jobs will cost him $100, intercourse will cost $200, and the Monica Lewinsky will cost $250. Scratching his head he says to her, “What is the Monica Lewinsky? I don’t know what that one is.”
The madam replies, “The Monica Lewinsky! Oh, that’s where you get a blow job now and get screwed later.”

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A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the pharmacist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the pharmacist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?”

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A priest and a nun are walking in the desert when their camel dies. The priest figures they are doomed so he asks the nun if he can see her naked. The nun figures what the hell so she gets naked and when she is naked she asks the priest if she could see him naked. So the priest gets naked and pretty soon he gets a boner. The nun points at his boner and asks, “What is that?”
The priest replies, “That’s the giver of life.”
So the nun says, “Stick it in the camel and let’s get the fuck out of here.”

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

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Santa Claus arrives at a house and climbs down the chimney to find a beautiful blonde, laying on the bed. She looks at Santa and says, “Oh Santa I’m so horny will you please stay with me?”
Santa says, “Ho! Ho! Ho! You know I gotta go…got to deliver these gifts to the children.”
The beautiful blonde removes her shirt to reveal her gorgeous breasts, and she again says, “Oh please Santa, please stay with me. I’m so horny.”
Santa again says, “Ho! Ho! Ho! You know I gotta go…got to deliver these gifts to the children.”
The blonde feeling even more horny, takes her pants off. Now totally naked she says, “Please! Please! Santa stay with me I’m so horny.”
Santa looks at her beautiful naked body and says, “Hay! Hay! Hay! You know I’ve got to stay can’t get up that chimney with my dick this way.

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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck on a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

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Check out my profile for other jokes, ratings and comments appreciated

OLD COUPLE SETTING RECORD STRAIGHT
After being married for almost 50 years, this old couple decided to set the record straight about their marriage. Deciding they had nothing to fear about revealing secrets from their past anymore at this late stage in life, they both took turns asking each other about how faithful each had been in their marriage. The wife went first and asked her husband if he had ever cheated on her.
He replied, “Yes, but only once and it didn’t mean anything. I was on a business trip after we had been married for about seven years, met this attractive woman in a bar, and we spent the night together. But I never saw her again and it didn’t mean anything and that was the ONLY time I was ever unfaithful in our marriage. How about you? Did you ever cheat on me?”
His wife answered, “Yes.” Way back when we were trying to buy our first house and come up with a downpayment, I slept with this guy to help us get the extra money we needed.”
“Was that the ONLY time?” he asked.
“Well, not exactly,” she said. “About five years later when we were having trouble making payments on our new car, I slept with this guy so the bank wouldn’t come and repossess it.”
“I guess I understand why you did it,” her husband said, “But was that the last time?”
“Well, not exactly,” she replied. “Remember the time you ran for mayor and you needed about another 47 votes to win…….?”

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This isn’t even the beginning of all my jokes, but right now it’ll have to do, since i don’t have time to put them all in…..

There was this Hunter that always got a lot of nagging from his wife for not taking her anywhere with him. So one day he decides he is going to take her bear hunting with him. At dinner that night he says to his wife, “Honey, tomorrow we are going bear hunting together. Be prepared to get up pretty early.”
They go to bed and the alarm goes off at 4:00 AM. The hunter gets up and makes breakfast and gets everything else prepared. He then goes to wake his sleeping wife.She is pretty exhausted and decides that she does not want to go.
A little upset from all the nagging, he then tells her, “Well, if your not going to go then you have two choices. You can either give me a blowjob or let me screw you in the ass.” So the wife decides on the blowjob. As she is sucking away she stops and smacking her lips says to the hunter, “Ewww, this tastes like shit.”
The hunter then says to her, “Yes, I know, the dog didn’t want to go either!”

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A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

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A young lady who just worshiped Elvis Presley, decided to get herself a tattoo of him on her right, upper, inner thigh. She located a tattoo parlor that specialized in rock and roll tattoos and asked the artist if he would do the job. He agreed and when it was finished, the lady looked at the tattoo and became extremely disappointed in the workmanship. “This doesn’t look like Elvis,” she exclaimed. “What do you intend to do about it?”
The tattoo artist told her the tattoo was Elvis Presley, but the lady wasn’t buying it. He then offered to do another tattoo on her left, upper, inner thigh free of charge. The lady agreed to this and when the tattoo was completed, she was still very displeased.
“This doesn’t look like Elvis either,” she said. “I want my money back!”
About this time another man walked into the tattoo parlor and the tattoo artist thought for a moment and then said to the lady, “How about this? Let this impartial gentleman look at the tattoos and tell you who he thinks it is. If he guesses correctly, you pay me the money you owe me.”
The lady thought about it for a moment and agreed to this rather strange form of arbitration. Then they asked the man if he would settle their dispute.
The man looked at her right thigh and then her left one and said, “I don’t know who these two are but the one in the middle is Willie Nelson.”

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There were two nuns…
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

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Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.

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A man just finished going down on a japan womans pussy, when she let out a fart……. her reply was
“Me, so sorrry, you just ate my pussy so well, my other end was blowing you a kiss…

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There are identical twin brothers. One lives a godly life: Good husband and father, reputable businessman, lots of community service. One is a hell-raiser: drunk, unfaithful to his wife, mean to his kids, cheats and lies. They both die at about the same time. The good twin goes to heaven and can look down on the bad twin in hell. Hell is not as the good twin imagined. His brother is drinking and partying with lots of beautiful women, music, dancing, and passionate kissing going on. The good twin sees St Peter and says to him, “Mind you, I’m not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he’s having the time of is life. He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing.”
St Peter puts an arm on the man’s shoulder and says, “My son, all is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn’t!”

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A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father.”
“Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”

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The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman.
She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn’t sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, “Compared to what?”
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, “I’m bigger than that.”
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, “I’m bigger than that.”
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, “I’m about that big.”
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, “You’re a medium.”

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One day an airplane crashes on an island.
There was only one women aboard and a lot of guys.
As everyone knows men got their ‘needs’ so the women decided to sleep everynight with another man.
After a while the women died.
The first week everything went fine for the men.
The second week things got a bit more complicated.
The third week it even got worse
and the fourth week they decided to burry her.

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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: “What’s that?”
Lady 2: “A condom.”
Lady 1: “Where’d you get it?”
Lady 2: “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80’s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
“Doesn’t matter,” she replies, “as long as it fits a Camel.”
The druggist fainted.

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Short…and not so Sweet