Ethan gone. He proved himself unworthy and removed himself from the picture. I can’t really articulate how I feel about this but every bit of it reinforces this.. self-awareness I’m experiencing. Like, I am an entity, a whole, stand-alone person. I used to think of Ethan as a piece of me. An extension of self that I needed; but now I think I felt that way because it wasn’t Ok for me to want things. Like, I only ever deserved what I needed. Not anymore. Almost overnight I feel — quite comfortably — that it’s totally fine for me to want things. And absolutly to be expected that I should get what I want.

Speaking of things I want; Hayden (god his name is so fucking stupid I hate to even write it) finally came back to work today after being gone for three days. I don’t flatter myself that it was the pain of my rejection keeping him away, I’m sure it was just the awkwardness. I have a feeling that if he wasn’t so new, and this place wasn’t such a fantastic resume-entry for him, that he would have quit over it and gone somewhere else.

I walked past his desk intentionally a few times just to watch him squirm. I think he went shopping to make himself feel better (fag), because he was wearing a new jacket. I complimented him on it and he turned red again. I know, I know, I’m being a total bitch but I can’t help it. He just makes it so easy, and fucking with him makes me feel powerful (and horny).

And between you and me? I want to make him cry again. Like, I want to do worse stuff to him.. stuff I probably shouldn’t write down in case there are molestation charges later ;-). I’m um… well ok, in for a penny, in for a pound right diary? I actually masturbated last night imagining him crying in the nap room. Only, instead of standing there watching him, I trapped him in — locked the door behind me. I forced him to his knees, grabbed his pretty straw-colored femboi hair, and forced his pouty little face into my soggy cunt where it belongs. I ground my hips into him, his head trapped between my clit and the wall. I held him there, ordered him to get to licking, and felt his tongue start working reluctantly against my lips as he cried. sploosh

I can’t stop thinking about it. I actually keep cursing myself that I didn’t block the door that day. I keep telling myself that next time I won’t let him leave the room so easy.

Houston we may have a problem here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

Welp.. I molested Hayden.

(gah that stupid name! I think I’m just going to call him ‘stupidname’ from now on because it’s literally less stupid than his actual name).

ANYWAY OMFG I feel like a super hero! I went in to talk to Margo about some product updates so she could plug them at Velocity next month. But Margo wasn’t there. Stupidname however is sitting in one of the chairs in front of her desk typing away at his laptop like they’d just finished a meeting and he hadn’t gotten up to leave yet. Anyway, he JUMPS up when he sees me come in (lol) and makes to leave, but this time I seize my chance, blocking the door with my body, thinking to myself I’m not letting you outta here until you cry for me little girl.

I ask him where Margo is and he mumbles that she went to make coffee. I look at the clock and yeah it’s her fika time (Margo, as you already know diary, is Swedish and this fika shit is evidently super-important there; she’s like clockwork about it). So now I have to decide if I’m actually going to go through with this or if I’m just gonna rub off to the thought of it forever. I know I have 5 minutes at the very least but probably more like 10. Anyway, Stupidname is positively dancing back and forth trying to get around me to escape her office, so I fix my eyes on him and say: “Stand still.”. Like, this wasn’t me trying to be authoritative or anything, I was still trying to decide if I was going to do this, and he was fucking distracting me with his little idiot dance, so I was basically using a conversational-tone, maybe slightly annoyed.

And he snaps-to, I mean it was like a like a drill sergeant had barked at him. So if I had any doubts, he basically convinced me with that. He’s so terrified of me, I mean diary, you should have seen how his eyes went all wide, but he wouldn’t look at me, he just gazed down at the carpet like a retard. I actually creamed my jeans a little bit. I mean it was as if he took me aside and straight up told me ‘listen Rebecca, you can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want to me and I ain’t gonna do shit about it”

So I’m like OK, lets do this. I lean back on the door, and let it click shut. Not slam or anything, just click, but It was a LOUD sound in the room because he’d gone completely awkwardly deliciously silent. Pretty sure he was holding his breath even. It was an ominous click. A dangerous click. It made him look up at me, his panic-stricken little femboi eyes searching mine for my intention, and I gave it to him in the form of a wicked little smirk. His eyes got even wider, which I wouldn’t have thought possible, and shot down to the carpet again desperately hiding from me. God I could have pounced on him right then.

At that point I realized I actually didn’t know what I was doing. Like I wasn’t going to try to rub my clit in his face (yet), and I didn’t have a plan beyond that fantasy. I had to try something though, or I’d never forgive myself for punking out. But for a nerve-wracking second or two, nothing was coming to mind (note to self, plan better next time). I knew I wanted tears, so I asked myself what kind of touching DONT boys like? And that jogged the memory of this one time I was riding Ethan, and one of my fingers accidentally slipped in his mouth, and he got ALL fucking pissed off about it; ranted incoherently for hours about how nobody put’s stuff in his mouth. Evidently boys don’t like fingers in their mouths?

So yeah, I figured what the hell, it was worth a shot. I reached up (he’s tall-ish), and cradled Stupidname’s chin. He flinched when I touched him, but didn’t back away. I guess maybe he thought I was going to kiss him? But instead I lightly rested my thumb on his mouth.

I watched the color drain from his face as his lips parted. He inhaled like he was going to protest or ask just what I was doing, but I took it as more of an invitation to pretty much just shove my thumb all the way in there. I felt him gasp around it, and I took a little step forward just to make things a little more uncomfortable for him. Harder for him to hide his eyes from me, but he managed it anyway, moving his gaze up to the roof.

He just stood there for like 5 seconds with my thumb inside his mouth, just completely shocked, frozen, blushing, holding his lips open like I was a dentist or something, and glaring wide-eyed at the ceiling tiles like something crazy interesting was happening up there. It was fucking adorable. I totally get now why Ethan didn’t want to go down this road, it was like his mouth was somehow mine; like I was colonizing it… claiming it? Yeah. Claiming it.

I gave him a while (it seemed like a long while), until FINALLY he started to say something. I was waiting for that so I could cut him off, which I did, snarling at him through my teeth SHUT THE FUCK UP FEMBOI. He flinched like I slapped him, and went back to standing there impotently, those doe-eyes of his brimming up with tears again, blinking at the ceiling, willing himself not to cry. I held him there for what felt like minutes (probably felt like hours to him) watching him battle back the tears. Waiting for him to lose. Just standing there with my thumb in his mouth like I did this sort of thing all the time, wallowing in his powerlessness. My little bitch, his mouth surrendered, too scared of me to try to take it back.

Eventually he began to drool, and he was forced close his pouty lips around my thumb, rubbing his tongue against me so he could swallow his spit. His eyes met mine for just an instant as his tongue encountered my thumb, but he didn’t like what he saw. I’m sure I had a very predatory, hungry sort of expression on my face; I was having an absolutely fantastic time occupying his mouth. Anyway, whatever he saw in me brought him closer to tears, and he now blinked desperately back at the ceiling with a focused, almost, so scared he was angry expression on his face, his pretty little groomed eyebrows all furrowed. “That’s a good girl” I cooed at him, “it’ll be over soon”. Hoping some trash talk might push him over that edge. I glanced over at the clock again to check my time, and that’s how, in the corner of my eye I caught the tent he’d made in his pants. I looked down at it. It was actually pretty impressive, easily bigger than most of the guys I’ve been with anyway. So he’s not a waif everywhere apparently.

Pretty sure he saw me scoping his completely unwanted boner, because that’s when his waterworks let loose, I knew because one of his tears rolled off his pretty cheeks and hit his cock-stretched pants. I can’t even begin to describe how the sight of that tear-drop falling on his cock-tent turned me on. I don’t think I’ve ever been so fucking turned on as I was right then. I even let out a little horny grunt at the sight of it, like “uh.”. But I couldn’t exactly fuck him in Margo’s office (well not in fika time anyway), and I had to wrap this shit up, but I couldn’t help but give him a little stroke with my other hand (the hand I wasn’t completely owning his mouth with lol).

He jumped back, or tried to, feeling my fingers wipe across his head, but I kind of anticipated that, and I latched down on his jaw, my thumb hooked on his teeth and fingers under his chin, yanking him back. He bent at the waist, trying to protect his wang, and dropped his laptop in the process, letting out this whiney little squeek. Then he just froze there, awkwardly in a stalemate. Bent over, with me clutching his jaw, not trying to take his mouth back, but not surrendering his cock either, leaking tears onto Margo’s carpet. OMFG that little squeak though. It was exactly the sort of thing that would have made me vomit two weeks ago, but now, taking liberties with him.. doing what I wanted with his body like he was an overly attractive puppet, the fact that I made him make that pathetic little squeak… it was an orgasmic sound. I had to have him. I decided right there and then that I’d lay claim to every little bit of him just like I’d already claimed his mouth. He would surrender it all to me, inch by inch, his body; his mind; his soul.

“Ok you got me.” I said, shoving his head away, “Lets get some coffee.” and with that I walked out.

It was a close call. Pretty sure Margo saw her office door closed. Pretty sure she saw me open it and come out, and then Stupidname follow me. She raised an eyebrow at me smiling as I passed, and asked me if everything was ok. I shot her a dark, playful grin and said “Best fika ever”.

When I got to my desk I realized Stupidname was still behind me.. he’d actually follwed me back to my desk like a duckling thinking that I meant we were going right now to get coffee. “LATER” I snarled at him, and he jumped three feet back, dropping his laptop again, and then super awkwardly picking it up and making for the elevators.

Fucking moron.