At the time this story takes place, I didn’t know my father was a pedophile. I didn’t know he’d sneaked into my cousin Colleen’s bedroom when she was only 3, touching her all over while she pretended to sleep. I didn’t know that he made my older sister Maggie shower in front of him when she was 13, telling her he had to make sure she got *really* clean. My cousin is 12 years older than I am, and my sister is 7 years my senior and neither one had ever breathed a word by the time I turned 13 myself.

It was 5 months prior to my 14th birthday, the night I got my first real kiss. I was about 5’4″ at the time, probably 110 lbs, MAJORLY proud of my long pretty legs and size 32B breasts, which I considered huge compared with most of my friends. My dark blond curls stubbornly refused to grow much past my shoulderblades, and my fair irish skin would only redden and freckle in the sun no matter how I tried to tan, but I thought I was cute enough, and so did tall, blond Mike that I’d met at the movies just the weekend before.

We met because my best friend Shannon and I had been trying to sneak into the movie theater. We were waiting for a patron to open the exit door and hoping we could sneak past. He noticed us and quickly let us in. We both liked him right away, so very tall at 6’3″, his eyes a far prettier shade of blue than mine, his lean, muscular arms a nice golden tan. We started chatting, and I lied that I was 14. He said he was 15 but all his friends were in their twenties; he explained that this was because he was *very* mature. He wanted to know how mature *we* could be. We set a date with him and some friend of his we’d yet to meet; they were going to meet us at my house, and if everything went well we could leave with them to go swimming at his grandmother’s house.

The night of the big date, Shannon and I were really excited. In no way did we believe Mike was actually 15, figuring he was actually in his twenties just like the rest of his friends. It seemed very cool to have caught the attention of somebody so *mature*. Plus, I really was hoping something would happen for me. Shannon had kissed at least 3 guys by them; she was WAY more sophisticated than me. I wanted to get my first kiss over with so I could be cool and grown-up, too.

Anyway, I dressed with special care that night. Since swimming was an option I wore my brand new black and white leopard print bikini instead of underwear and a bra. It wasn’t a string bikini but high cut on my thighs and the top was just a strip across my chest. I thought it made me look much older, if a little flat-chested. I tugged on a pair of super short denim shorts and a loose white tank top that showed off the bikini top beneath. I didn’t wear any makeup at 13, but I thought I looked hot.

Mike showed up on time and lucky for me, his friend Tony took an instant liking to pretty, dark-haired Shannon. Tony didn’t bother to lie about his age, smirking wickedly as he told us he was 23 as if daring us to run away like good girls should. Nervous and excited, we followed them to their car but didn’t get in…my parents would be home soon and I knew I had to get permission first.

The guys took out some beers and that’s when I started getting scared. EVERYBODY knew that bad kids drank and when they offered it to you, you were supposed to say NO. But Mike had kindly opened one for me and when he handed to me, I reluctantly sipped at what tasted like a bottle of cat pee. Shannon did it nonchalantly and I tried my best to imitate her but inside I was wishing to go home. I’d only gotten through 1/4th of it when to my great relief, my mother started calling my name from the front porch. It should have embarrassed me; it did, I guess, but looking at Tony’s frightening green eyes, at Mike’s big, masculine hands, I couldn’t even work up proper teen-aged indignation. We left under great protest; I went to my house and Shannon went home.

An hour later, I was in my first floor bedroom. My parents were upstairs watching “Carousel” on tv; I had shut my door but could still hear it through the ceiling. I was bored to tears, feeling antsy, reliving each moment of my exhilirating evening, regretting now that I hadn’t been braver. I’d already brushed the disgusting beer flavor out of my mouth, and now I sat in my pink and blue room imagining how things could’ve gone differently..would Mike have kissed me?? What would he think of my bikini?? Would he have wanted to…touch me??

My window was open, a gentle summer breeze wafting in through the screen, and with it came the sound of male voices. I peeked outside and was surprised to see Mike and Tony walking down my street towards where I knew they’d parked their car. Recklessly, I called to them from my window. After all, my parents had air conditioning and the tv on in their upstairs bedroom; they wouldn’t hear a thing if I was careful.

It took them a few moments to find me, and they hurried over. I asked what they were still doing here.

“Looking for something to do,” Mike pouted at me, blue eyes softly accusatory. “We came a long way and we barely got to hang out at all.”

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault,” I told him, lowering my eyes. “My Dad is okay but my Mom is really strict. I should’ve known she wouldn’t let me go anywhere.”

Mike made a sympathetic noise, his eyes flicking down my body…he was tall enough to lean his forearms on the windowsill and he told me to lift the screen. “Well, are your parents awake?” I told him they were and he continued. “You should lock your door, so they won’t catch you. And shouldn’t you get ready for bed…just in case??” I gave him a hard look, knowing he just wanted to see me change my clothes…bad enough if it was just him, but his friend stood slightly behind him not saying a word as if that might make me forget his presence. “Ill lock my door but I don’t have to get undressed.” I told him as firmly as I could. I pushed in the button of the flimsy lock and moved back to the window.

“You should at least take off your shirt,” Mike said authoratatively, hungrily eyeing my small, perky chest. I rolled my eyes, but my heart pounded…it wouldn’t hurt, right?? I was wearing a bathing suit, not a bra. I did what he told me, reluctantly lifting the white tank top over my head, a small voice in my head telling me this is not a good idea. “Hurry up” he said sharply, making me even more nervous. He liked what he saw; he and Tony whispered back and forth about the potential size of my nipples (quarter or dime…I wasn’t telling them it was quarter because I was pretending I didn’t hear).

“Turn around”, Mike commanded and I did it, telling myself I shouldn’t be listening, Shannon wouldn’t let guys make her do things, I was feeling so stupid while they talked about how sexy I was as if I couldn’t hear them, Mike actually reaching into the window to pinch both my ass cheeks. “You really are very pretty,” he told me when I turned back to face him, blushing for all I was worth, and he gently but firmly pulled me close to the window. He whispered, “Come here…”

I leaned through and he kissed me…it was amazing! I forgot to be afraid as he lightly teased my tongue into his mouth and sucked it…quickly I caught on, sucking his into mine, feeling triumphantly certain that I was a good kisser. We kissed long enough for me to start feeling turned on and then he gestured for me to let him lift me through the window.

I started to get afraid again but he convinced and cajoled, so sweetly and gently, it would only be for a few minutes, he’d put me right back, he just wanted to kiss me some more. Tony had disappeared, God knows when or where. I agreed and allowed him to lift me, wrapping my legs around his waist, his arms under my thighs. I hadn’t been held this way since I was small and started to put my head on his shoulder in a conditioned response that embarrassed me. He told me no, and I redirected my face to his, kissing him again, falling back into it, enjoying the first tongue in my mouth since my friend Nicole when we were 8 and wanted to see what the fuss was about.

After some time he set me on my feet and I started having difficulty kissing him; I was so much shorter! I had to lift up on the tips of my toes, pressing my body against him for balance. Excited by this, he let his hand wander up from my waist, over my side, to touch my bikini covered tit…not even meaning to I forced my mouth from his and stared down at his hand there in utter shock. He used his other hand to force my chin back up, pushing his mouth back on mine. I didn’t make it easy for him, feeling both uncomfortable and turned on as I felt his hand squeezing, first one then the other, making my nipples harden. He let go, to my relief, but his hand simply traveled down. I didn’t stop him from undoing my shorts even though I knew I should, wanting him to touch the hot wet place between my legs without even knowing for sure what would happen when he did. He slid his hand down the front of my pants and over the smooth bikini bottoms, his big hand barely fitting between, he started rubbing up and down and I embarrassed myself by moaning into his mouth. He lifted his hand out and slid it down the back of my pants, his hand felt so hot against my cool skin. That’s when I heard the footstep behind me and I remembered Tony.

I stiffened and pushed at his chest…his kiss became forceful, his arms were suddenly steel around me. I wiggled as much as I could, terrified by now, in my mind’s eye Tony was creeping up behind me, they were going to rape me, see how he wasn’t letting me go now, I whimpered and fought and when he released me I looked up at him with the haunted knowledge that I only got free because he decided I to let me go. I whirled around and indeed Tony was there, watching, smoking in the dark, smiling at me like a green-eyed devil…but he hadn’t come anywhere near me. I stood there, chest heaving as I breathed, shorts open and showing my bikini bottoms, the bra top slightly askew. I turned my uneasy eyes back to Mike who looked from Tony to me in realization, giving a twisted laugh. “What did you think was about to happen to you?” his blue eyes were all fired up as if he liked the idea I’d given him, and he yanked me up against him again. I might have been frightened but part of me had been enjoying everything we’d been doing too much to stop…I told myself they hadn’t been planning to hurt me, to stop being a baby. His mouth crushed my small swollen lips and his hand found its way down the front of my shorts again, this time under the bikini where no man had ever touched and it was no accident I stood with my legs spread enough to help him. He licked and kissed and sucked his way down my chin and throat, leading towards the small crease between my tits and I wanted it, wanted it, wanted it. “Oh Tara….little Tara” he whispered between ravaging me, I was breathing so hard, I felt so naughty and dirty…nobody would ever know i let him do this, i quenched my conscience silently, letting it go on, not really sure how to stop anyway.

“TARA”, my father’s voice from my window, stern and sharp without being loud, froze my entire body and his.

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