Superman wasn’t very busy. He had lots of time on his hands to spend and wanted to find someone to go out with. So he looked up Spiderman. He asked Spiderman if he wanted to pal around with him for the day to see what adventures they could find but Spiderman declined because his hands were infected and he needed to give them a rest so they would heal. He then looked up Batman but Batman was also grounded because he needed to make some repairs to his Batmobile. Not finding anyone to hang out with for the day, Superman took off flying around solo. Finally with his x-ray vision he spotted the top floor apartment of Wonder Woman. She was lying in bed naked. “Why not?” he told himself as he landed on the apartment ledge and knocked on the window. Wonder Woman came to the window and opened it up for Superman to enter and they both quickly jumped into bed.
Zip–Zap! He was finished and off he went flying out the window.
“What was that all about?” Wonder Woman asked.
“I don’t know,” replied Invisible Man, “but my ass sure does hurt.”

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A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny… keep me potent.”
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label “Viagra Extra Strength” and said, “Here, if you eat this, you’ll go nuts for twelve hours.”
The guy says, “Gimme three boxes.”
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, “Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay.”
The pharmacist replies, “Ben Gay? You’re not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?”
The man says, “No, it’s for my arms – the girls didn’t show up.”

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A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if …”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”

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A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”

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At a party a woman tells a Marine in uniform, “You military guys are so rigid and single minded. You really should lighten up, life is about sex, when did you last have sex?”
The Marine replies, “1955.”
The woman frowns and says, “See what I mean, that’s nearly 50 years ago.”
The Marine says, “No ma’am,” and looks at his watch and adds, “It’s only 2130.”

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A drunk man is stumbling around a parking lot with his keys in his hand. A police officer takes notice and decides he’d better go and check it out, so he walks up to the drunk man and asks him what he’s doing. The drunk man replies, ” Somebody stole my car! It was right here and now I can’t find it. Somebody stole it!!”
The officer assures the man that he will help him find his car. “Sir,” the officer says, “Where was the last place you saw you car?”
The drunk man replies,”The last time I saw my car, it was attached to this key here!” as he hold up his car keys. The officer chuckles at the man then notices the drunk man’s penis is hanging out. Trying not to laugh, the officer says, “Sir, are you aware that your manhood is out dangling in the wind?”
The drunk man looks at the officer inquisitively then looks down at his penis. He jumps and yells “Holy Shit! They got my wife too!”

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A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor….medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher….and huge bears on the top shelf. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
He turns to her…they kiss…and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion…as they are lying there together in the afterglow….the man rolls over and asks, smiling,”Well, how was it?”
The woman replies…”You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

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Sam has been a stock broker for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 10 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded and burly Vermonter standing there.
“Name’s Enoch… Your neighbor from two miles over the ridge… Having a party Saturday at 7… Thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem… After 25 years on Wall Street, I can drink with the best of ’em.”
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
“Damn,” Sam thinks… “Tough crowd.” “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”
“Now that’s not a problem” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there… By the way, what should I wear?”
Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”

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Did you hear about the man that had 5 dicks?
Ans: His underwear fit like a glove!

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Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, “Kin ya swaller?” She shook her head ‘no.’
“Kin ya breath?” Again she shakes her head ‘no.’
The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat. His companion is sitting there stunned. “I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!” he says to his heroic friend.
“Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!

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An elderly woman moves into a nursing home. Her daughter helps her unpack and get settled in. After a few days, the woman notices a male resident who sits out on the porch every day, all by himself. She decides to go over and talk to him.
She asks if she can sit with him awhile. He looks at her for a second and says, “Yeah, you can, but only if you’ll hold my dick.” At first she’s horrified and outraged. But then she thinks, “He’s lonely, I’m lonely…” Finally, she agrees. She gets a blanket to put over their laps and she sits next to him every day, holding his dick.
After a few weeks, her daughter comes to take her mother for a weekend visit. When the woman returns to the nursing home, the first thing she sees is the man on the porch next to another elderly woman. They have a blanket across their laps. The first woman knows what the second woman is doing. She storms up the steps and starts yelling at the man.
“What does SHE have that I don’t have?!” she screams.
The man just smiles and says, “Parkinson’s.”

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Down at the senior center, the gardeners were discussing their vegetables.
Fred: “Tell me what you do to get such great tomatoes? I can’t get mine to ripen. How can I get them to turn red?”
Ed: “You have to embarrass them.”
Betty: “Embarrass them? How do you do that?”
Ed: “Go out in the garden at around midnight and drop your drawers. That will embarrass them.”
Fred and Betty go home that night and follow Ed’s suggestion. They both return the next day.
Ed: “Well, Fred, did it work?”
Fred: “It sure did. You should see my red tomatoes! How about you Betty?”
Betty: “Well, I went out like you said at midnight and lifted up my nightgown all the way to my chin.”
Fred: “What happened to your tomatoes?”
Betty: “Absolutely nothing——–but you should see my CUCUMBERS!!”

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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. “Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”

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What is a Yankee?
Ans: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

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A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, “Open the safe.”
She says, “This isn’t a real bank, it’s a sperm bank.”
He says, “Open the safe or I’ll shoot.”
She opens the safe, and he says, “Now take one of the bottles and drink it.”
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, “Now you see? It’s not so difficult, is it?”

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A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. “Hi, is Tony home?” “No, he went to the store.” “Well, you mind if I wait?” “No come in.” They sit down and the friend says “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.” Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together.” Sara thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can’t wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over.” Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

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Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island. Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing.
Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing.
Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up–being even more ashamed of what they were doing.

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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant– about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied: “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: “What are you thinking now?”
He replied: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies,”if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

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kids curiosity

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they’ll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83…. 84…. 85…. but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97………… 98…………. 99………….
…and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, “I don’t understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!”

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A shabby-looking guy enters a pub and sees a pretty young blonde sitting at a corner table. Seeing her all alone, he goes up to and says “Hey baby, you wanna have a good time with me?” She looks at him disgustedly and tells him to get lost. The next day he sees her again and walks up to her. Before she can dismiss him he says “Now wait a minute, I’ve come here to show you a most amazing trick…I bet you a hundred bucks that I can bite my left eye with my teeth!”
“Ha, get outta here…that’s impossible!” the blonde exclaims.
“Any bets!” the guy persists.
“OK, 100 bucks…” she concedes.
The man wordlessly removes his false left eye, bites it and puts it back in its socket. Amazed, the girl gives him the money. The next day he comes back again, finds the girl there and tells her, “Today I’ve come to show you another amazing trick!”
What’s it this time?” the girl asks warily.
“This time I bet you two hundred bucks that I can bite my right eye also with my teeth!” The blonde ponders for a while. She realises hell, this guy is not blind so there’s no way he can have two false eyes…of course he’s making an impossible claim!
“OK, 200 bucks!” she declares confidently.
The man triumphantly takes out his false teeth, bites the right eye and puts his teeth back in his mouth. Defeated, the girl gives him the money once more. The day after, he comes back yet again, finds the blonde and says, “I have yet another amazing trick to show you!” The girl is quite firm this time: “Now way, Jose! Thanks to you I’ve lost my whole week’s wages…I can’t afford any more bets or I’ll have nothing to eat!”
The guy replies “Yes, I have thought of that, therefore this time we shall bet only one dollar!”
The girl is intrigued. “OK, what’s the bet?”
The guy says “I bet you one dollar that I can screw you without taking your panties off!”
The girl thinks hey, how can he do that? “OK, the bet’s One dollar…!” So they both go upstairs. The guy throws the blonde upon the bed, pulls down her panties, screws her, gives her a dollar saying, “Sorry, I’ve lost this time!” and walks away…

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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor’s office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 – – 10 – – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

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A guy was trying to impress this sexy lady so she would go out with him. He told her, “Babe, if you go out with me, I’m gonna love you like you’ve never been loved before. She asked, “What are you going to do?”
He replied, “I’m gonna kiss you on the belly button.”
She said, “I have guys who do that all the time.”
He asks, “From the inside?”

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law.”

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A mum and dad take their boy to a nude beach, when they get there the dad walks off the mum sunbathes and the boy goes to swim in the sea, after a few minutes the boy goes running up to his mum saying “mummy mummy i saw two men with bigger willies then daddy” and the mum says “well the bigger they are the dumber they are” so the boy says “oh okay” and goes back to play in the sea. the boy then comes back a few minutes later saying “mummy mummy i saw two women with bigger boobies than you” and the mum says ” the bigger they are the dumber they are” and the boy replies “oh okay” and goes back to play in the sea. the boy then comes running back to his mom a few minuets later saying “mummy mummy i saw daddy talking to the dumbest women on the earth and the more and more he talked the dumber and dumber he got”

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Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine-year-old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?”
The nine year old says, “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother?”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”

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A ventriloquist was on vacation, driving through the desert southwest. As he was driving, he noticed an adobe hut, with an Indian sitting on the front porch. There was also a horse next to the hut. The ventriloquist thought to himself, “I think I’ll have a little fun with this guy.”
He pulled over and walked up to the Indian and said, “Can I talk to your horse?” The Indian looked puzzled and said, “Horse no talk. You must be crazy man, think horse talk”
The ventriloquist said, “No I’m not crazy. I’m an animal communicator. Animals talk to me. Here, I’ll show you.” He walked over to the horse and put his arm around the horse and said, “Well, horse. How do you like living in this desert?”
The horse answered, “Not too bad. When the sun gets too hot, I just move into the shade.”
The man asked, “How about your owner, does he take good care of you?”
The horse answered, “Yeah. He feeds me and waters me. I’ve got no complaints.”
The man walked back over to the Indian, whose eyes were the size of silver dollars, and said, “See, I told you I could talk to your horse”
The Indian said, in shock, “Horse never talk to me”.
The ventriloquist then asked, “You got any other animals around here?”
The Indian answered, “Have sheep out back.”
The man asked, “Can I talk to one of them?”
The Indian, still in shock, blurted out, NO TALK TO SHEEP, SHEEP LIE!”

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