A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her, “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

Read 32557 times |
Rated 49.8 % |
(216 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

When the fire chief retired from his dept. of 25 yrs., the dept. buys him a brass bell. He takes the bell home and tells his wife that if he rings the bell once, he is thinking about sex. If he rings it twice, he’s getting ready. If he rings it three times, here he comes. Well, later that night she hears ding. A few minutes later she hears, ding ding. A few minutes more and she hears. ding ding ding. They go at it for a while when he hears, ding ding ding ding. He asks his wife, “What the hell does that mean?”
She replies,”I need more hose or you have to get closer to the fire!”

Read 29222 times |
Rated 49.8 % |
(164 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Three guys, who were old friends were hanging out one day when one of them starts looking at his hands continually. Finally one of the others asks him about this and the friend replies, “Well, I have noticed how small my hands are. I bet they are the smallest men’s hands in the world. I was thinking about going to the people at the Guinness Book of World Records and asking them to measure them to see if I can get in their record book. I believe they pay lots of money also.
Then the second guy starts in. He tells the others how small his feet are and relays how he only wears a size 5 shoe and that his feet are probably the smallest men’s feet in the world. He inquires about how much the record book pays and when told, decides to go with his friend with the small hands to the Guinness office.
The third guy is listening to the others and decides to offer up his story. He tells the others how embarrassed he is to admit this but that his penis size is so small, he is sure he could set the world record. Realizing how much money he could make if he gets in the record book, he also decides to go to the Guinness office with his friends.
All three are in the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records and the first guy with the small hands goes in.
Finally after two hours, he emerges grinning ear to ear and holding up a big check for $100,000. The other two men hover around him admiring his good fortune. Then the second guy with the small feet goes in and after a couple hours, he also emerges smiling and holding up a big fat check for $100,000.
The third guy with the small penis goes in but he is only inside the interviewer’s office for a couple of minutes and when he emerges, there’s a glum expression on his face and he doesn’t have any money either. The other men ask what happened.
He replies,”Do any of you know who [insert here the name of male friend who is listening to you tell this joke] is?”

Read 33055 times |
Rated 49.8 % |
(228 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

Read 36625 times |
Rated 49.9 % |
(314 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead…

Read 33822 times |
Rated 49.9 % |
(239 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A woman from France is touring in the United States when she develops a serious case of the crabs. She decides to go to a pharmacy and get some medicine for her condition. Her English is not very good and she tells the pharmacist, “I vould like some medicine that geet reed of bugs in de bush.” The pharmacist misunderstood her and told her to go over to section with lawn care products and select one of the strong insecticides. The French woman did as she was instructed and bought one of these products.
In a week she was back in the pharmacy again and talking to the pharmacist. He asked her if her condition was cleared up.
“Why yes, eet is,” she replied. “In fact all of de bugs in de bush are gone. My hair down there, eets gone too. And Pierre’s moustache—eet’s also gone!”

Read 29837 times |
Rated 49.9 % |
(242 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge fed tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, “what do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentleman responded, “Well twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
“No” she replied. “But my cucumbers are enormous.”

Read 34295 times |
Rated 49.9 % |
(338 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A very dirty and disheveled Indian goes up to the front door of a whore house and says to the madam, “me want woman. I never had anyone before.” The madam takes one look at him and smells the Indian and realizes that she doesn’t want him near any of her women because he is so dirty and malodorous. Trying to be polite however, she tells him that he should practice first and then she will let him in. She tells him to locate a tree nearby with a knot hole and use it for practice. The Indian listens to her advice and leaves but in three days, he is back at the madam’s doorsteps as dirty and smelly as before.
When the madam answers, he says to her, “me practice and now me want woman.” The madam realizing her predicament decides to let the man go upstairs and have sex with one of the whores. While upstairs in bed with the whore getting ready for sex, the Indian hauls off and kicks the whore squarely in the butt. “Ouch,” screams the whore, “why did you do that to me?”
“Me check for bees first,” replies the smelly Indian.

Read 40658 times |
Rated 49.9 % |
(292 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”
“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

Read 40673 times |
Rated 50 % |
(374 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He’d walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!” Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!” Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!” Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
“Take me now or climb the ladder to success,” she huskily whispered. Harry couldn’t believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6’8″ hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, “Who are you?”
The biker answers, “I’m Cess.”

Read 38449 times |
Rated 50 % |
(467 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Dirty Samone
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was “Yes.” Asked how she used it, she said, “To assist sexual intercourse.”
The interviewer was amazed. He said, “I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.”

Read 37854 times |
Rated 50 % |
(488 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Dirty Samone
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

What’s the German word for VASELINE?
Ans: Eurweinerslider.

Read 37243 times |
Rated 50 % |
(300 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Basiclly I’m Cinemasins for this site.

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get our of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

Read 36629 times |
Rated 50 % |
(373 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Dirty Samone
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

Two Hillbillies were hunting with no luck. Then one of them saw a sheep with its head caught in a fence. One hillbilly looks at the other and says, “Let’s have sex with the sheep.”
The other one said, “ok.” So when the first Hillbilly is done he turns to second hillbilly and says, “Your turn.” So the second one sticks his head in the fence.

Read 30725 times |
Rated 50.1 % |
(149 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant.
After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks “Dad, what’s that hanging down from the elephant?”
His father replies “That’s his trunk son.”
“No, no, Dad,” says the boy, “at the back.”
“Oh, that’s his tail” replies his father.
“No, Dad,” the boy says, “Between his legs.”
The father looks over and replies “That’s his penis, son.”
The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father “Last week Mommy told me that was nothing.”
“Well son,” replies his father, “You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman.”

Read 33470 times |
Rated 50.2 % |
(298 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Dirty Samone
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Read 35223 times |
Rated 50.2 % |
(223 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.
As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to
another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.
Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.
After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doc says, “I bet you are a surgeon.”
She confirms, and asks how he knew.
“Easy, he said, you’re always washing your hands.”
“That’s very clever!” she says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”
“Wow, how did you guess?” he asked.
“I didn’t feel a thing!” she replied.

Read 64443 times |
Rated 50.2 % |
(1121 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along,”

Read 25250 times |
Rated 50.2 % |
(203 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Upon arriving home from their honeymoon, the husband decides to play the tape he made of their first night . The tape starts up and his wife is heard to say on the tape, “That’s happiness, that’s happiness.”
The new husband’s wife walks into their bedroom and tells him, “Hey, you got it on slo mo, here rewind it and play it at normal speed.”
When the tape starts up, his wife is heard saying on the tape: “That’s a penis? …..that’s a penis?”

Read 33396 times |
Rated 50.2 % |
(180 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact…. “Mary…Mary….”
“Is that you, Fred?”
“Yes Mary, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.”
“Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”
“Not exactly — I’m a rabbit in Idaho!”

Read 35265 times |
Rated 50.2 % |
(295 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

Read 32083 times |
Rated 50.3 % |
(235 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother ( who couldn’t think of an answer)told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy said, “Yes she did.”
“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.”

Read 38716 times |
Rated 50.3 % |
(485 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Q: What do eating pussy and dealing with the mafia have in common?
A: One slip of the tounge and you’re in deep shit!!

Read 23256 times |
Rated 50.3 % |
(372 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Two fleas are talking about winter migration and one’s freezing its ass of.
FLEA1: “I spent the whole trip in a biker’s beard.”
FLEA2: “That’s not the way you do it, what you do is get on a plane and climb up a stuartess’s skirt and sleep in her pussy, that’s what I always do.”
The next year the fleas talk again. The first flea is still freezing his ass off.
FLEA2: “What the fuck is wrong with you, didn’t you do what I told you?”
FLEA1: “Yeah, you stupid pansy, I climbed up a stuartess’s skirt and slept in her pussy and I woke up in a biker’s beard!”

Read 33552 times |
Rated 50.3 % |
(245 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Dirty Samone
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”
The mother replies “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”
“You’re wasting your time,” said the boy.
“Why is that?” asked his Mom, puzzled.
“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”

Read 421920 times |
Rated 50.3 % |
(21565 votes)

Vote list (Close) :fallsmarine
: NEGATIVEJayneyRedd
: POSITIVEIdleHands69
: POSITIVEHarmlessfun
: POSITIVEnice nylons
: NEGATIVE

Please rate this text:   

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.
The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.
The second lady looks at that and says, “That’s such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?”
“It’s a condom,” The first lady replies.
“Well, where can you buy those?”
the second lady asks.
“Um… Most people buy them at pharmacies.” the first lady replies.
So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.
“Do you guys sell those condom things?” she asks the pharmacist.
“Why yes we do,” the pharmacist says a little confused, “Do you know what size you need?”
So the lady says, “Well it’s got to fit a Camel.”

Read 65120 times |
Rated 50.4 % |
(882 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A guy and his wife had been married for over 40 years when one day after returning from a visit to her doctor, the wife relayed some horrible news. Her doctor had diagnosed her with terminal cancer and told her she only had six months to live! The husband was terribly distraught and decided to pay her doctor a visit to see what he could do to prepare himself for the rough patch ahead.
At the doctor’s office he asked, “What can I do to help my wife through this time in her life? How can I keep her comfortable while cancer destroys her body?”
The doctor answered him: “You need to be there for her and try and comply with whatever she needs from you without asking questions. She needs your support and help, not your pity and she doesn’t need to see you unable to help her.”
The guy thought it over and realized the advice was good and wise and he would do whatever his wife requested from him. It didn’t take long before his wife asked him this: “Honey, since I don’t have very long to live, could we do something I always wished we could do in bed?”
“What is it dear,” her husband answered.
“I would love to have oral sex with you just so I know what it feels like.”
“Sure,” the husband responded back without hesitation. And that night in bed the couple shared oral sex for the very first time and enjoyed it immensely. In fact they enjoyed it so much that’s all they did every night for the next five months. Then upon another doctor’s visit for a check-up, the doctor discovered that there was no trace of the cancer whatsoever inside the woman’s body. So he called the couple in for a consultation in his office.
The doctor was seated behind his desk in his office and seated in front of him in chairs was the couple. He told them that he had performed all kinds of tests including x-rays and MRIs and the cancer had miraculously disappeared from the woman’s body and for all practical purposes, she was now cancer free; that he had no idea what they could have done to cause this to happen; that something strange must have occurred to alter the course of her life. The woman was delighted to hear the news and joy spread across her face. The doctor looked over at her husband and noticed how sad he appeared. There were tears running down his checks and he was noticeably disappointed and upset. So he said to the husband, “Didn’t you hear me tell you both the good news? Your wife is cancer free. Whatever you both did worked! Why do you look so sad?”
The husband replied dejectedly, “If only I had known, I could have saved mom.”

Read 35457 times |
Rated 50.4 % |
(218 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and says “I want a tattoo of a turkey on the inside of my right leg, and on the inside of my left leg I want a tattoo of a Christmas tree”
The guy doing the tattoo goes “Why do you want tattoos of those things?”
The lady replies with: “Well because my husband always complains that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

Read 36961 times |
Rated 50.4 % |
(293 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

A six year old kid walks in to his parents’ room. When he opened the door, he stopped in shock when he saw his father pumping away at his mom.
The kid says, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The father was surprised to hear his kid’s voice from behind so he stopped pumping, but didn’t pull his rod out. Without turning his head, he answered…. “Ah, er….. Nothin’ son, ah…… I was just…. I was just parkin my car…… inside your mom’s garage.”
“Really?” the boy replies.
“Ah,……yeah.”
“Well,” said the kid, “you’d have to push more pedal, Dad, because the rear wheels aren’t in yet.”

Read 32928 times |
Rated 50.5 % |
(198 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Dirty Samone
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text: