Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.
Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.
“Sister,” he asked, “I wonder if you could tell me about this?” (pointing to the crystal bowl)
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful?”
“I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven’t had a cold all winter!”

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What is the difference between a steel belted radial and 365 used condoms?
Ans: One is a Goodyear and the other is a GREAT YEAR!

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A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. “Do you like to screw?” he asks.
“Huh?!” replied the surprised young man.
“My daughter, she loves to screw and she’s very good at it. You and she should go screw.” carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, “Yes, sir!” Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, “Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it’s the TWIST!”

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Q: How do you make four old ladies say “FUCK!”?
A: Get a fifth one to yell “BINGO!”

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A man walks into a brothel and is greeted at the front entrance by the madam. He asks her what services they offer and what the fees are. She then tells him that blow jobs will cost him $100, intercourse will cost $200, and the Monica Lewinsky will cost $250. Scratching his head he says to her, “What is the Monica Lewinsky? I don’t know what that one is.”
The madam replies, “The Monica Lewinsky! Oh, that’s where you get a blow job now and get screwed later.”

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A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the pharmacist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the pharmacist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?”

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A priest and a nun are walking in the desert when their camel dies. The priest figures they are doomed so he asks the nun if he can see her naked. The nun figures what the hell so she gets naked and when she is naked she asks the priest if she could see him naked. So the priest gets naked and pretty soon he gets a boner. The nun points at his boner and asks, “What is that?”
The priest replies, “That’s the giver of life.”
So the nun says, “Stick it in the camel and let’s get the fuck out of here.”

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

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Santa Claus arrives at a house and climbs down the chimney to find a beautiful blonde, laying on the bed. She looks at Santa and says, “Oh Santa I’m so horny will you please stay with me?”
Santa says, “Ho! Ho! Ho! You know I gotta go…got to deliver these gifts to the children.”
The beautiful blonde removes her shirt to reveal her gorgeous breasts, and she again says, “Oh please Santa, please stay with me. I’m so horny.”
Santa again says, “Ho! Ho! Ho! You know I gotta go…got to deliver these gifts to the children.”
The blonde feeling even more horny, takes her pants off. Now totally naked she says, “Please! Please! Santa stay with me I’m so horny.”
Santa looks at her beautiful naked body and says, “Hay! Hay! Hay! You know I’ve got to stay can’t get up that chimney with my dick this way.

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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck on a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

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Check out my profile for other jokes, ratings and comments appreciated

OLD COUPLE SETTING RECORD STRAIGHT
After being married for almost 50 years, this old couple decided to set the record straight about their marriage. Deciding they had nothing to fear about revealing secrets from their past anymore at this late stage in life, they both took turns asking each other about how faithful each had been in their marriage. The wife went first and asked her husband if he had ever cheated on her.
He replied, “Yes, but only once and it didn’t mean anything. I was on a business trip after we had been married for about seven years, met this attractive woman in a bar, and we spent the night together. But I never saw her again and it didn’t mean anything and that was the ONLY time I was ever unfaithful in our marriage. How about you? Did you ever cheat on me?”
His wife answered, “Yes.” Way back when we were trying to buy our first house and come up with a downpayment, I slept with this guy to help us get the extra money we needed.”
“Was that the ONLY time?” he asked.
“Well, not exactly,” she said. “About five years later when we were having trouble making payments on our new car, I slept with this guy so the bank wouldn’t come and repossess it.”
“I guess I understand why you did it,” her husband said, “But was that the last time?”
“Well, not exactly,” she replied. “Remember the time you ran for mayor and you needed about another 47 votes to win…….?”

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This isn’t even the beginning of all my jokes, but right now it’ll have to do, since i don’t have time to put them all in…..

There was this Hunter that always got a lot of nagging from his wife for not taking her anywhere with him. So one day he decides he is going to take her bear hunting with him. At dinner that night he says to his wife, “Honey, tomorrow we are going bear hunting together. Be prepared to get up pretty early.”
They go to bed and the alarm goes off at 4:00 AM. The hunter gets up and makes breakfast and gets everything else prepared. He then goes to wake his sleeping wife.She is pretty exhausted and decides that she does not want to go.
A little upset from all the nagging, he then tells her, “Well, if your not going to go then you have two choices. You can either give me a blowjob or let me screw you in the ass.” So the wife decides on the blowjob. As she is sucking away she stops and smacking her lips says to the hunter, “Ewww, this tastes like shit.”
The hunter then says to her, “Yes, I know, the dog didn’t want to go either!”

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A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

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A young lady who just worshiped Elvis Presley, decided to get herself a tattoo of him on her right, upper, inner thigh. She located a tattoo parlor that specialized in rock and roll tattoos and asked the artist if he would do the job. He agreed and when it was finished, the lady looked at the tattoo and became extremely disappointed in the workmanship. “This doesn’t look like Elvis,” she exclaimed. “What do you intend to do about it?”
The tattoo artist told her the tattoo was Elvis Presley, but the lady wasn’t buying it. He then offered to do another tattoo on her left, upper, inner thigh free of charge. The lady agreed to this and when the tattoo was completed, she was still very displeased.
“This doesn’t look like Elvis either,” she said. “I want my money back!”
About this time another man walked into the tattoo parlor and the tattoo artist thought for a moment and then said to the lady, “How about this? Let this impartial gentleman look at the tattoos and tell you who he thinks it is. If he guesses correctly, you pay me the money you owe me.”
The lady thought about it for a moment and agreed to this rather strange form of arbitration. Then they asked the man if he would settle their dispute.
The man looked at her right thigh and then her left one and said, “I don’t know who these two are but the one in the middle is Willie Nelson.”

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There were two nuns…
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

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Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.

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A man just finished going down on a japan womans pussy, when she let out a fart……. her reply was
“Me, so sorrry, you just ate my pussy so well, my other end was blowing you a kiss…

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There are identical twin brothers. One lives a godly life: Good husband and father, reputable businessman, lots of community service. One is a hell-raiser: drunk, unfaithful to his wife, mean to his kids, cheats and lies. They both die at about the same time. The good twin goes to heaven and can look down on the bad twin in hell. Hell is not as the good twin imagined. His brother is drinking and partying with lots of beautiful women, music, dancing, and passionate kissing going on. The good twin sees St Peter and says to him, “Mind you, I’m not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he’s having the time of is life. He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing.”
St Peter puts an arm on the man’s shoulder and says, “My son, all is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn’t!”

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A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father.”
“Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”

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The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman.
She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn’t sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, “Compared to what?”
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, “I’m bigger than that.”
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, “I’m bigger than that.”
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, “I’m about that big.”
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, “You’re a medium.”

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One day an airplane crashes on an island.
There was only one women aboard and a lot of guys.
As everyone knows men got their ‘needs’ so the women decided to sleep everynight with another man.
After a while the women died.
The first week everything went fine for the men.
The second week things got a bit more complicated.
The third week it even got worse
and the fourth week they decided to burry her.

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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: “What’s that?”
Lady 2: “A condom.”
Lady 1: “Where’d you get it?”
Lady 2: “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80’s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
“Doesn’t matter,” she replies, “as long as it fits a Camel.”
The druggist fainted.

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Short…and not so Sweet

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked, How often I should have it?” His grandfather told him, “When you first get married, you want it all the time, and will maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.”
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and Grandma now?”
His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.”
“What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.
“Well,” Grandpa said, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, ‘Fuck You’, and I holler back, ‘Fuck You’ too.”

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A little boy asks his father if he can get in the shower with him and he says yes.
So they get in and the father says don’t look down and he does. The boy said whats that and
the father said it is his snake. The next night he asks his mom if he can get in and she
said yes. So they get in and the mom says don’t look down and he does and asks what it is.
She said that is my bush. The next night they all get in bed and they said don’t look down and when
he does he screamed “Oh my…. Daddy’s snake is caught in mommy’s bush!

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Do you know why God created man?
Ans: Because She knew her vibrator wouldn’t take out the garbage.

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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”
The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times. “One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, ‘Kiss me. Kiss me, and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.’
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ‘You now have 3 wishes.’
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ‘I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.’
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ‘What will be your second wish?’
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ‘I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.’
She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ‘You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?’
I looked at her and replied, ‘How about a little head?'”

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On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl. Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his Penis.
He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.
Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said “I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away.”
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time. He went to Dr. Chu Wong.
Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said “These Amadican Doctors – so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amputation not necesally.”
Joe was relieved.
Dr. Wong said “You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own.”

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