“Hello darling,” breathed the obscene phone caller. “If you can guess what’s in my hand, I’ll give you a piece of the action.”
“”Listen Dude,” drawled the lil’ Texas lady, “If y’all can hold it in one hand, I ain’t interested.”

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How do you break a blonde’s nose?
Place a dildo under a glass table!

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In Class one day a boy asks his teacher can he go to the bathroom..
The teacher tells him “Yes You have 5 minutes”…
The boy comes back 5 minutes later with no shirt on and the teachers asks him where was he….
The boy replied..”ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL”…
Another boy raises his hand and asks can he go to the restroom..
The teacher says yes “You Have 10 minutes”….
The boy returns 10 minutes later with no shirt or shoes..
The teacher asks him were was he the boy replied “ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL”…
A third boy raises his hand and asks can he go to the restroom the teacher says yes..
“You have 15 minutes”..The boys returns 15 minutes later with no shirt, pants, or shoes on..
The teacher asks him where was…The Boy replies “ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL”..
The forth boy raises his hand and asks can he go to the restroom..The teacher says yes “You have 20 minutes”…The boy returns 20 minutes later with no shirt,pants,shoes,and socks on…The teacher asks him where was he and the boy replied “ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL”….The last boy raises his hand and asks can he go to the restroom..The teacher says yes “You have 20 minutes”…The Boy returns 30 minutes later with no shirt,pants,shoes,socks,or underwear on…The teachers asks where was he and where was their cloths…all the boys said in unison…”ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL!!!”…A girl walks in completely naked the teacher asks her who she is and the girls replies..”I’M BLUEBERRY HILL!!!” :-)…

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There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.
Well, there weren’t too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out, for a price.
The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman’s breast.
Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.
One day, the woman realized that the man’s suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, “Is there anything else you’d like?”
The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, “Yeah, got any cookies?”

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A husband and wife stuck on a desert island take turns climbing the only palm tree in search of a rescue ship. One day the husband calls out, “Helen, a man on a raft is approaching.” When the man arrives, they tell him their story and that they are glad he is there because now each needs only to lookout for 8 hours instead of 12. The new man climbs the palm and after an hour he calls down, “Hey, stop fucking down there.”
The husband and wife look at each other perplexed and call back, “We aren’t fucking.”
The next day the man is on his watch in the palm and calls down, “Hey, stop fucking down there.”
Again the husband and wife shake their heads and answer, “We aren’t fucking.”
The next day the husband is up in the palm, looks down and thinks to himself, “You know , it DOES look like they are fucking down there.”

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There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.
A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they’d heard last night was.
He replied, “Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.”
The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.
During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, “Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.”
Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.
So, he said, “Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!

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Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel’s home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel’s wife and vice versa.
After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize.
The Colonel’s wife smiled demurely, “Don’t worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I’ve been able to tell what he has in his hand.”

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A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse… he said that they would have sex on the bell system.
He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off… two bells meant get into bed… and three bells meant start fooling around.
The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system…. he hollered “One Bell” and she took off her clothes. He hollered “Two Bells” and she got into bed. He hollered “Three Bells” and they started fooling around like crazy.
A few minutes later, SHE yells “Four Bells.”
“Four Bells?” the fire chief asks, “What is four bells?”
“Let out more hose, Your nowhere near the fire!”

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A young man comes home from the armed forces on leave for the first time, and his dad takes him out for a beer. When they get their beers, his dad asks him, “So son, how do you like the army so far?”
“Pretty good, dad,” the son replies, “but I had a strange experience the other day during parachute jump training.”
“What happened?” asked his dad.
“Well, we were up about 5000 feet, I was last in line, and when we got the green light, everyone jumped except me. I froze up in the door. The jumpmaster was about 6’7″, 250-lbs, and gay. He said if I didn’t jump, he was going to take me into the back of the plane and fuck me up the ass!”
“Well, did you jump?” asked his dad.
The son replied, “A little bit, at first.”

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A beautiful girl gets catches the eye of a young man at a party. He brings her a glass of wine, introduces himself and starts up a conversation. Seems that they like the same music, movies, food, etc. With all this in common, he figures he has a good chance to score. So he says,”Look, we are so compatible in so many areas, imagine how great we’ll be in bed!”
She says, “No, I can’t.”
He continues,”Am I not funny, caring, and intelligent enough for you?”
“Absolutely, but I just can’t,” she says.
“Look, I’ll send you flowers, call you tomorrow, buy you candy, what do you say?” he says.
She says,”Look, all that is true, but I’m on my menstrual cycle!”
He says, “That’s Okay, I’m on my Kawasaki, you can follow me!”

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LITTLE GIRL EXPLAINING WHERE BABIES COME FROM
One afternoon, a little girl returns home from school and announces to her mother that her friend has told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replies: “Really, sweetie, why don’t you tell me all about it?”
The little girl explains, “Well… okay… the mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, and the daddy’s thingy sort of stands up, and then mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that’s how you get babies!”
Her mom shakes her head, leans over to meet her eye-to-eye, and says, “Oh, honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not how you get babies…… That’s how you get jewelry.”

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One day, John decided to invite over his mother for dinner with him and his roommate, Julie. Julie made a great dinner, but John’s mother started to suspect more than friendship. The next day, Julie told John that the soup ladle was missing. This is the letter he wrote to his mother:
Dear Ma,
I’m not saying you did take the soup ladle, but I’m not saying you didn’t. But the fact remains, It’s missing.
Love,
John
This was her response…
Dear John,
I’m not saying you did sleep with Julie, But I’m not saying you didn’t. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found it by now.
Love,
Mom

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There was this guy who was a new arrival at this logging camp in the wilds of British Columbia, Canada. After a couple of weeks he decides to go into the only town within a hundred miles and have a few beers at the local pub. After three or four beers, he asked the bartender about the availability of some “ladies of the evening.” The bartender told him that he hadn’t seen a woman in the town for at least ten years, however, he mentioned that there was this Chinese cook out in the kitchen. The logger stopped him right there and said: “No. I don’t go for that shit.”
So, he had a few more beers and went back to the camp. He returned in about three weeks, had a few beers and again asked the bartender if there were any ladies available. The bartender told him no, however, the Chinese cook was still in the kitchen. The logger, again, told him that he didn’t go for that shit and returned to camp.
About four weeks went by and the logger was getting desperate. He went back to the bar, had a few beers and asked the bartender, again about the ladies. The bartender again told him there were none and again reminded him about the Chinese cook. The logger again said; “No. I don’t go for that shit.” Then he thought about it for awhile and asked the bartender: “If I go out back with the Chinese cook, how many people will know about it”?
Well, the bartender says, ‘There will be you and me. All together, there will be four.”
“Four!” cries the logger. “I thought there would be just you and me. Where did the the other two come from?
And the bartender says, “Hell man. It takes two guys to hold him down. He don’t go for that shit either!”

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Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer’s Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections, who can’t remember what to do with them.

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There were 3 dicks standing on the corner. They were talking about how hard there lives are. The first dick said, “I have it the worst, my master plays with me all night.” The second dick said, “No, I have it much worse than you, my master strokes me all night.” The third dick says, “That’s nothing, my master puts a plastic bag over my head, shoves me in a dark tunnel, and makes me do push ups until I puke.”

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It’s the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, “You know, you’re really a lousy lover.” The husband replies, “How can you tell after only 30 seconds?”

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FATHER PATRICK WAS TALKING TO HIS REPLACEMENT IN A SMALL VILLAGE CHURCH. ‘FATHER MICHAEL’HE SAYS,YOU WILL BE LOOKING AFTER MY FLOCK FROM NOW ON.’BUT WHERE DO I START?THE YOUNG PRIEST REPLIES.’YOUV’E BEEN HEARING CONFESSIONS FOR OVER 50 YEARS,I’LL BE LOST’. ‘DONT WORRY,SAYS FATHER PATRICK,’I’VE WRITTEN A LIST OF SINS AND ABSOLUTIONS ON THE WALL IN THE CONFESSION BOX.LOOK UP THE SIN AND IT WILL TELL YOU NEXT TO IT WHAT TO SAY.AFTER A WHILE YOU’LL GET TO KNOW THE CONGREGATION AND YOU’LL BE OKAY’. ONE WEEK LATER,FATHER MICHAEL IS SITTING IN THE CONFESSIONAL BOX LOOKING AT HIS MENTOR’S LIST WHEN HE GETS HIS FIRST VISITOR.’FORGIVE ME FATHER,FOR I HAVE SINNED’,SAYS A FEMALE VOICE.I HAD TO PERFORM ORAL SEX ON MY HUSBAND LAST NIGHT’.THE PRIEST SEARCHES THE WALL BUT CAN’T FIND THE CORRECT ANSWER ANYWHERE.IN DESPERATION HE PULLS OPEN THE CURTAIN OF THE BOX AND STOPS A CHOIRBOY. OI!!’WHAT DID THE PRIEST GIVE FOR A BLOWJOB?’ ‘A SNICKERS’THE LAD REPLIES.

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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “it’s only someone having the holes bored into her shoulder blades for her wings.”
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
“Oh my God,” says the old lady, “now what is happening”?
“Not to worry,” says St. Peter, “She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.”
I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m off to hell.”
“You can’t go there,” says St. Peter, “You’ll be raped and sodomized.”
“Yes, but I’ve already got the holes for that,” says the old lady.

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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed…”

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A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. “My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?” So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?” Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!” She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica.”

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One day, a woman went to the doctor’s office and said, “My husband isn’t doing very well in bed.”
The doctor handed her a bottle and said, “Give him one pill every night and see how things go.”
That night, she gave him one pill and had sex. The next morning, she woke up and said, “That was good. I’ll try two pills tonight.”
The next morning, she said, “That was great! I’ll try three pills tonight!”
The next morning, she said, “That was AMAZING! I’ll give him the rest of the bottle tonight!”
The next day, the doctor recieved a phonecall from a young boy. “Sir, you have to help me!”
“What’s wrong?” the doctor asked.
“You gave my mom some pills to give to my dad,” the boy said.
“Yes? And?” the doctor asked.
“Well, my mom’s dead, my sister’s in the hospital, my ass hurts, and my dad keeps going around the house saying, ‘Here, kitty kitty kitty…'”

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A man is Driving on a dark rode when his car starts to smoke…
In about ten minutes his cars die and it has been raining for sometime now…
He looks around until he sees a farm house with all the lights on in it…
HE pulled his coat over his head and run for the house…
When he get there he pounds on the door but gets on answer…
He walks around the house until he see someone in a window…
He looks in and see two old people standin the missle of the room…
The old women is looking at the old man shaking her tits…
The old man is looking at her while holding an umbrela and jacking off…
The man gets worried and run to the next farm down the rode…
The farmer is sitting on the front step…
The man asks for his help and the farmer goes and gets his tools…
They walk down to his car and get it running again…
The farmer looks at the man and asks…
Why he did not get help from the people at this farm…
The man takes him to the window where he he seen the two old people…
They both look and the farms ask what the problem is..
The man say that is not right…
The farmer looks at him and says…
There is nothing wrong with them there deff and dumd…
The old women is tell him to go milk the cows and he is saying fuck you its raining…

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This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, “You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?”
She says, “I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?”
She says, “Well, your name never came up.”

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An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said “fuck you!”
A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband.
After about half an hour of this the old man said “I’ll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!”

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PINOCCHIO NEEDS HELP WITH SEX
Pinocchio sought out Gippetto for help. He explained to Gippetto that every time he had sex with his girlfriend, she would get splinters and complain. Gipetto said to Pinocchio, “No problem. Before you have sex next time rub your nose with some sandpaper first.”
A few days later, Pinocchio ran into Gippetto. Gippetto asked him how sex with his girlfriend was going.
“What,” says Pinocchio, “who needs a girlfriend?”

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A young blonde woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” the captain asked.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” the captain said. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

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This my first post ever so hope you enjoy!!
One day a daughter goes to visit her dad at work and asks “Daddy, can I borrow the car?” Dad says “Sure but you have to give me a blowjob first.” So daughter gets down and starts working on him but after a couple seconds gets and says “Dad your dick tastes like shit!” He says “Oh yeah, I forgot…your brother has the car…”
Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Don’t post if your just going to
comment about jow fucked up incest is…it’s a joke…chill

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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

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Check out my profile for other jokes, ratings and comments appreciated

Ms. Nice Gal – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller – “You goddamn spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable?”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Disadvantages: Contagious.
The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair colour?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at”
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

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