Sex Joke

OLD COUPLE CELEBRATING ANNIVERSARY

An old couple in their 80’s went out to dinner to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary and ended up at the same restaurant they ate at while beginning their honeymoon. The old man takes a look outside the restaurant window and says to his wife, “remember that fence across the street? After we ate our dinner 60 years ago, I took you outside, placed your body across that fence, raised up your dress and made love to you from behind like there was no stopping me.”
“Why yes, I sort of remember,” his wife replied sheepishly, embarrassed at recalling this incident and amazed that the two of them were so indiscreet as to take such a reckless gamble out in public like this.
“Well how about you and me try it again then,” the husband suggested. “Let’s see if we can recapture the thrill and excitement of our wedding night.”
His wife was very reluctant but sensed that she could make her husband very happy on their anniversary, so she agreed to it. So after dinner they went outside, crossed the street to the fence. Her husband got behind her while she spread her legs with body propped partially over the fence. The old man took his place behind her and proceeded to ravish her body with abandon making love to her like he was a teenager again. He banged her for at least 20 minutes and when they finished, they both collapsed on the ground right on the spot.
A policeman on foot patrol happened to be walking by and had observed the couple engaged in this rigorous display of sexuality and when they had finished, he proceeded right to the scene. He went over to the couple as they lay on the ground and said, “I saw what you were doing and I will have to write you both up for indecent exposure and fornicating in a public place. Do you have anything to say for yourself before I give you the ticket?”
“Yes, officer,” says the old man, “you don’t understand. My wife and I are celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary tonight. Just a moment ago, we had dinner over there at that restaurant, the same one we ate at on the first day of our honeymoon. Then we came over here to make love exactly the same way we did back then too. Please don’t give us a ticket. It would be too embarrassing for us both and we didn’t mean any harm by it.”
The policeman is sympathetic to the old couple and decides not to give them any tickets but is still scratching his head over what he observed and learned from the old man and exclaims, “Boy from what I observed, the two of you must have really been something way back 60 years ago.”
“Yeah we were, and 60 years ago there wasn’t an electric fence here either,” the old man responds back.

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Travelling sperm

A pair of sperm cells are passing through a woman’s body. One sperm turns to the other and says, “Oh man I’m tired. How far now to the fallopian tubes?”
“We’ve got quite a way to go,” replied the other sperm, “We’ve only just past the tonsils!”
See, there you go – talking sperm…
got to have 500 hundred characters or the won’t post it….
what more do you want?_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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A MANS CASTLE

WHAT ARE THE 6 BEST KINGS THAT WILL KEEP YOUR MAN FROM STRAYING……………………………………………….
ANSWER:
FUC-KING
SUC-KING
LIC-KING
DRIN-KING
SMOK-ING
COO-KING

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My nipples are still hot for you

An old couple celebrating their 50 year anniversary, was eating breakfast one morning when the mans looks at his wife and says:
“I’m still as hot for you as when we first married.”
The old woman smiles at him and they continue to eat, after a while the old woman looks at the old man and says
“My nipples are still as hot for you as they were when we were first married.”
The old man pause looking at his wife, then replies:
“They should be ones in your oatmeal and ones in your coffe.”

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50 Great Uses For Used Condoms

This is NOT my joke….. I don’t know how many times i have to say it, but most of my jokes are from my friends and other people, so quiet emailing me saying that you’ve heard them before or to come up with something original, whenever i come up with something original i post it as well, I mainly just put these jokes up because I think the people coming to this site might enjoy them…… And occasionally due to peer-pressure from friends wanting to see if their jokes are funny….

Antichrist

This story is the property of the author. It may be redistributed, copied and stored without changes, though it is not to be used by commercial entities. Using this material in any commercial publication, including websites, without the express permission of the author, will be followed up with legal action. This fictional story was written for the entertainment of adults and should not be viewed by those under the legal age.

I WANT TO BE LIKE POPPA

ONE DAY LITTLE CHRIS WAS SITTING ON THE PORCH STEPS, WHILE HIS MAMA WAS ROCKING IN THE CHAIR BEHIND HIM. IN CHRIS RIGHT HAND HE HAD M&M’S, IN HIS LEFT HAND HE WAS HOLDING HIS CAT……….
TWO MINUTES LATER CHRIS POPPED A M&M INTO HIS MOUTH, BITE THE CAT AND MOVED DOWN A STEP, MEAN WHILE HIS MAMA WAS LOOKING AT HIM, WONDERING WHAT HE WAS DOING.
TWO MINUTES LATER HE DID IT AGAIN, POPPED THE M&M INTO HIS MOUTH, BIT THE CAT AND MOVED DOWN ANOTHER STEP
bOY-WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU? HIS MOM ASKED…. “MOM, I WANT TO BE LIKE DAD WHEN I GROW UP—— I WANT TO POP THOSE PILLS, EAT SOME PUSSY AND MOVE ON!!!!!!

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Good Girl-Bad Girl

Good girls say “thanks for a wonderful dinner”…
Bad girls say, “what’s for breakfast?”
Good girls never go after another girl’s man…
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties…
Bad girls don’t wear any.
Good girls wax their floors…
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot…
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner…
Bad girls make reservations.
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies…
Bad girls know they could do better.
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss…
Bad girls never do either, unless he’s very, very rich.
Good girls believe you’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls…
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love Italian food…
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

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Whats that?

One dark stormy night a boy walked into his parents room, scared.
“Mummy! Daddy! Its scary in my room!” He screamed
” Its ok hun, come into bed with us” His parents said back to him.
The boy smiled and jump into his parents bed, after a while he woke up again by the lightning and found something.
” MUMMY! Whats THAT?!” He Screamed again. Mummies eyes widened.
“Thats Daddys sn-snake” she said.
Again the storm woke up the boy and he found something.
” Daddy.. Daddy what are those?” he asked more calmer this time.
” Urr..Urrmmm Those are.. Mummy head-lights ” He answered
Again the storm woke up the boy and he found something.
“Mummy Daddy! Whats THAT!?” He screamed.
” Thats her B-Bush” They both answered
Again the storm woke up the boy and he found Mummy and Daddy doing something.
” MUMMY TURN ON YOUR HEAD LIGHTS! THE SNAKE IS ENTERING THE BUSH!” He scream

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A bowl of ice cream

A young boy is in the kitchen about to get some ice cream out of the freezer when his Mom walks in.
“Don’t eat that ice cream! It’ll spoil your appetite”, his Mom nags “Dinner will be ready soon. I’ll play a game with you until then. What do you want to play?”
The boy thinks for a minute and says “Let’s play Mommy and Daddy!” and runs up the stairs into his parents’ room. By the time his Mom caught up with him, the boy is standing by the bed, wearing his father’s hat and coat.
“What should I do?” asks the Mom.
Before she can finish her thought, the boy opens up his coat to reveal a huge, throbbing hard-on. He rips off all his mother’s clothes and pins her to the bed. He starts fucking her brains out, going deeper and deeper, then just as she’s about to cum, he flips her over and starts pounding her in the ass. He finishes by jizzing all over his mother’s shocked face. The boy lays back and smokes on of his father’s cigarettes, and says “You should get your ass in the kitchen and make that goddamn kid of yours a fucking bowl of ice cream.”

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Hangover ratings

Ever had a problem describing the type of hangover you have? Well now you can just say a certain raring to a guy and he SHOULD understand it……… Key word there is ‘SHOULD’, so don’t email me complaining that he doesn’t!!

OLD MAN WITH TOO MUCH SEX DRIVE

An old gentleman visited his Doctor. On being asked by the Doctor what his problem was, the old gentleman said that he wanted his sex-drive lowered. Whereupon the Doctor asked the old gentleman his age.
“I’m 97 years old.”
The Doctor said to the old man, “At your age it’s all in the mind!”
The old gentleman replied, “I know, that’s why I want it lowered.”

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On the rising wave of lust

On the rising wave of lust
I believe that everyone remembers the early spring years of their lives, when the body awakens from the latent stage of psychological development and fills your consciousness with streams of new hormones, and you get these…strange… sensations… For some unknown reason, new parts of the body start to blossom and bring with this process a wave of ecstatic pleasure about which you had no idea and for which you will crave for the rest of your life. During this life altering period, you also start notice the people around you but in a different way than before. You look at girls, but all the time your eyes shift to the little plump hills growing on their chest or on the the prominent curves at the base of their spines; and this awakens the dormant little snake in your pants. But the newly awakened libido is diffuse at this early stage and your cathexis can also be a boy. That’s what happened to me.
The Earth was beginning its thirteen rotation around the Sun since the day I had shifted from intrauterine life to normal human mode of existence when my gonads started producing testosterone. Since that moment my life became nothing but a kaleidoscope of boners, wet dreams and sexual thoughts. At the beginning, the thoughts were self centered. In the local educational institute I would fantasize about getting home, lying on the bed with the spine up and putting my hand in the groin and just stroke there for some time. Orgasm was still an alien concept for me back then. Till one Saturday afternoon.
That day I was lying on the deep green sofa in my living room with the spine up. My head was turned left toward the TV. Some cartoon about space races was on the cartoon channel. No one was home, so my hand was at its usual place – under my body and in the shorts – exploring the hard hot boner and caressing the wrinkled skin of the tightened scrotum. The more I stroked, the stronger got the the pleasurable tingling sensations in the groin and the base of the spine. They reminded me of the feelings you get when someone tickles you, but with the pleasure knob turned up a few notches above the usual level. Several strokes up and down the erect shaft later I felt like something tightened in my crotch. The area became heavy, and every centimeter of the sensitive skin there burned with drilling electrical sensations. The desire to continue the masturbation was too strong. I moved the right hand and up and down my erect member and crossed the point of no return. The very first few seconds( or hours) I felt as if time had stopped to flow. The tickling pleasure in the groin became stronger than before. I caught my breath, feeling as my genital area prepared for an explosion. And it came a moment( or eternity) later. My dick twitched, releasing some hot fluid onto the palm of my hand. At the same, time an intense wave of euphoric heat and tingling spread from the crotch trough my body, tensing my thighs and loin. In less than a second the orgasmic wave hit my head, filling it with an all consuming yellow light. At that moment, I lifted the head and opened my mouth. Then the penis twitched again, I made a thrusting move into the sofa and lifted my head higher, feeling total ecstasy and seeing nothing but the yellow light behind my closed eyelids. This cycle continued for half a minute; during this time the jerking of my penis weakened and finally stopped. The same thing happened with the energy waves. At the end of my first orgasm I felt as if were bathed in a warm electric sea. I didn’t feel tired. On the contrary, I felt more alive, more here and now than before. I opened the eyes. Every object in the room looked clearer and brighter than usual. The living room looked to me as if passed through a weak yellow shade. My skin felt warm and tingly, like after a good bath or a fantastic massage. The body felt amazingly relaxed. Never before I had experienced such slackening. It was as if I had let go of all my problems.
When the feeling of peace and stillness subsided, I sat on the sofa and removed my right hand from inside the long black shorts. The white viscous fluid on my palm gleamed a little from the rays of the Sun, falling in the room from the window on the left. A distinct sperm smell, reminiscent of washing powder and fresh chestnuts at the same time, filled the air in the room. I wiped the hand against my black shirt, stood up and went to my room. The penis was still hard and left the last little droplets of sticky cum onto the already wet fabric of my underwear.
After this event, I became obsessed with masturbation. I jacked off several times a day. Being in school was an eternal torment because of the never ending desire in my hard and throbbing organ. No matter how much I masturbated, I never achieved the orgasm of the same intensity as the first one. Actually, the more I beat the meat, the weaker it became. And so, after two months of non stop action, I changed tactics. I decided to lower my jacking off activity to one time in a week. It was terrible. By the second day of abstinence almost everything turned me on. The penis stroked against the pubis area – a hard on. I removed my clothes before going to bed – again a hard on. Usually, by the third day I gave up. And the orgasm felt so…fantastic. It was very close to the first one, but still something missed. I guess it was the “wow”factor. The first orgasm is something incredible, a totally new feeling. The following orgasmic experiences lack this because you know what to expect, and this takes away some of the strength from this event. I think the only way to feel a very strong orgasm when you are an adult is by giving up sexual life for several months. But who will manage to achieve such feat?
Time went by, and I noticed that I looked at boys more often than at girls. I can’t explain it, but when I was a teenager I never attraction toward girls. There was something in them that revolted me. Maybe it was their attitude towards me, a geek with no muscle and no confidence? Or maybe it was their stupidity? Because every time I tried to talk to them, they looked at me wide eyed, as if I said something ultra smart and too heavy for their brains, when in fact I was talking about the biology lessons, literature ans stuff like that. Whatever the reason was, they just never managed to make my fleshy friend point at them. But boys! If a boy I liked was around me, there was a never ending circus in my pants. The most interesting part was that usually the boy had one too. It was as if we aroused each other and then just waited till someone would start a conversation about sex or offer to spend a night at his place. But this never happened and I felt frustrated about it. And later, in the evening, I would jack off like crazy, fantasizing about the things I could had done to him and cursing myself for the lack of initiative. This way continued all the school year till summer, when John came into town.
Xxx
I was a very secluded kid during the teenage years, not really interested in sports or other fun activities. I enjoyed spending my time in solitude, thinking about various strange matters, reading a book or drawing something. Because of my nature I was considered a geek in school, and this didn’t help me in my life. Of course I got good grades and with them paved my way into a bright future, but very often I thought I was doing the wrong thing. The thing I wanted the most at that time was someone who could understand me, listen to me without saying something insulting back. A friend. My prayers were answered, and I met Johnny.
We have met the first time on my tenth summer spent in this reality. I was walking somewhere and bumped into him. The rest is history.
John visited our town only during the summer. He had a cottage here. It was because of him that I waited for summer vacations. And I don’t regret every minute of the time spent with him. John was just like me – a lone ranger, an outsider. This similarity was the glue of our friendship. I also learned a lot of things from him. He helped me to take a more laid back look at life and taught me the importance of humour. And the music! It was John that instilled in me the interest in electronic music. And I still have the two albums he gave to me on my twelfth birthday. “Rising” and “Qlippoth.” I listened to them through all my second decade of life. Great music! It helps me to relax when I am tired; and there is nothing more comforting than to lay on the green grass, look at the sky and listen to these albums.
Back to the story. I finished another awful year of school and was finally free for three months. I walked to my place in the northern district of the city. The Sun was shining in the cloudless sky, warming up the air. A little breeze blew from the east and waved my blue shirt and short yellow shorts. The streets were empty. The district where I lived was inhabited mostly by businessmen and women who worked from morning till night in their offices, so the place reminded more of a ghost town than a place full of life. The summer was an exception, due to all the kids running and playing around.
When I reached my house I saw him. He looked different now. More attractive. I walked to him. John turned away from the parents and looked at me. A wide smile spread trough his face, revealing two rows of white teeth.
“Hi!” He said.”Long time, no see!”
I smiled back and asked:
“How are you?”
“I am fine. So, how’s school?”
‘Like always. When will you be free?” I asked him.
John was a few inches taller than me. He had long brown hair that covered his head like a helmet, beautiful brown eyes, puffy cheeks covered with freckles, straight nose, thin pink lips and beautiful white teeth. His mouth looked especially beautiful to me. I felt a strong desire to lean and cover it with my own and to pass my tongue on John’s clean teeth.
John looked robust. Not muscular, but not skin and bones like me. A gray short sleeved t-shirt covered his body; long jean shorts covered his legs and hid from sight his precious package .
“After dinner I guess. We have all summer ahead,” John said and then went to his two storey house with white walls, red tiled roof and a green lawn in the front.
The best thing was that I lived right next to John. When I got home, the first thing I did was masturbating. Seeing John aroused me too much. He became so hot and attractive! Knowing that he is my only and best friend made me only hornier. So many possibilities opened for the summer. So many things to try.
I went upstairs and entered my room. I put the bag on the green carpet which covered the room’s floor and then sat on the far side of the bed. In front of me there was the window, showing John’s house next door, but I didn’t care. I was too horny to care. I spread my legs apart. The yellow short shorts tightened around my thighs. Then I placed my hand on the bulge between the legs. I moved the hand up and down, felt the tip of the penis, its iron shaft and the balls trough the shorts. Then I moved the hand up to the belly and shifted in inside the shorts. I caressed my aroused organ through the thin fabric of the underwear and felt how shivers of pleasure filled the entire groin area. The strongest I felt them at the top of the dick. I caressed it with the forefinger, feeling the little wet spot on the place where the urethral orifice came in contact with the white material of the undies. When this kind of stimulation was enough for me, I stretched with the left hand both the shorts and underwear. A stream of cool air flowed around the aroused dickhead. It felt fantastic. I moved my right hand closer to my member. I placed the thumb on the front side of the prepuce and the remaining finger on its the back side – where it covered the frenulum – and started moving the foreskin up and down the purple knob end. Minute and a half of slow stimulation later, the orgasm came. I closed the eyes and threw the head back while the penis pumped hot semen, which fell on the pubic area or trickled down the glans penis onto my fingers. It was a powerful one. The first orgasm after four days of no activity.
When I returned back to baseline state I removed the left hand, holding the shorts and underwear. They hit my sperm covered belly with a loud clap. I wiped my right hand against the blue shirt, got up and went into the bathroom. There I washed off the remnants of semen from the hands and washed my face with cold water to refresh myself a bit and subdue the currents of lust running in the background of my head. Then I looked at myself in the mirror. Uncombed short dark blond hair. Light green eyes. An elongated face with a straight nose, pale cheeks, thin pink lips. I looked good for my age. Not spectacular, but not ugly either. I smiled at my reflection and then left the bathroom.
My parents usually worked from dawn till dusk, so I had to make breakfasts, lunches and dinners myself. It wasn’t a particular problem. There always was something frozen in the freezer; the only required from me was to put the stuff into a dish and then heat it up in the microwave oven. I ate, washed the dishes and then went to the door. I opened it and saw John walking down the pathway across the lawn to the porch.
He looked at me, smiled and said:
“I don’t need to ask you to come out anymore.”
I smiled back, saying nothing. I was just mesmerized by his eyes and his smile. They invited me to pour my soul to John.
“So…what we will do now?” John asked.
“I d-d-don’t know. Take a walk around,” I answered.
My best friend smiled.
“You haven’t changed a bit,” he said. ”Still stuttering while talking to other people.”
“Everyone has flaws,” I said and walked away from the porch to the sidewalk. John started walking by my right side.
“You’re right about that. Where we will go?” he asked.
“Lets just stroll around the place. We can also check the store and buy something.”
“Is there anything interesting in the city’s centre?”
I shrugged the shoulders and said:
“I don’t know. We can go there and see.”
My idea was accepted. We checked the mall in the central district, but found nothing interesting. So, we went back into our neighborhood. There was a playground several blocks away from our homes, and that was the place we headed to.
“Look! Our tree,” John shouted and ran off to a curved tree, standing on the farther border of the playground.
I ran after my friend, and soon we were both standing under the shadow of the tree. The trunk of the tree bent a little two meters away from the ground, allowing us to climb it and sit on its old branches covered by deep green leaves. John went first. He grabbed the lowest branch on the left with both hands and lifted himself, helping the process by propping the feet against the trunk. Then he stood on the thick branch.
“Come on Bob!” He said.
I climbed up the tree the same way as John, but then I sat on the branch with legs dangling in the air on both sides of the offshoot. My head was at the level of John’s groin. Already seeing the bulge in his pants on eye level turned me on, but the smell just made me crazy. I inhaled the air, and my nose was filled by the musky, sweaty and oily smell of his crotch. For some unknown reason it reminded me of fish. The odour was powerful and driving. During the first sniff, my dick went rock hard. I just wanted to grab John by the ass, plunge my face between his legs and sniff more. My mouth went dry, and a pleasurable ball of anxiety formed in my stomach. I took another sniff and stood on the branch. I was aware of the tent in my shorts and that John’s eyes were glued to it, but I didn’t want to hide it away. First, it was John, my only and best friend. Second, I wanted to try something with John. I wanted to arouse him and drive him to the peak of ecstasy, to make him cum and see him shiver from pleasure the way I did when I masturbated while fantasizing about him.
“What’s that Bob?” John asked teasingly.
He sat on the branch with both legs on one side.
“What’s the problem with it? I bet you have one right now just from seeing mine,” I said and sat next to John.
He blushed at my words.
“So, I am right. You got one from looking at mine,” I said.
“Everyone gets them.”
I nodded and moved closer to John. Usually I wasn’t an active guy, and I never made the first move but with John everything was different. I knew that John trusted me and would allow me to touch him. This knowledge gave me courage. I moved closer to him.
“Can I ask you something? How do you masturbate?” I asked. A flush of excitement and embarrassment hit my face.
“Like everyone,” John said. ”Hand up and down my dick. And you?”
“The same way. Sometimes I stroke the head with my whole hand or stroke that little spot on the back side of the head with a finger. When did you started jacking off?”
“Last year.”
“Do you remember your first orgasm?” I asked and placed the right hand on John’s left knee. I looked at his face. The cheeks were red, but the eyes showed no discomfort. The only thing I could see was lust moving behind my friend’s brown irises. He wanted it too. That was great!
“Yes! I was in shower. I moved the nozzle to my dick and balls because I liked the feeling of water streaming on them. I also got my first boner this way,” John said.
“What happened next?” I asked. My hand went up John’s left leg. With every centimeter I moved it more to the inner side of the thigh.
“I got a boner and decided to play it for awhile. I felt better and better with every stroke, and then it exploded. It felt so good! I wanked a lot after it, but I never experienced an orgasm that good again,” John finished.
I moved the hand onto the groin. John gasped and squeezed the thighs. Then he relaxed them and spread the legs a little.
“How is it?” I asked John, while feeling trough the fabric of the jean shorts his hard member with the palm of the hand. It felt big, very big. My fingers at the same time caressed his balls. I could feel the semen filled orbs, and they seemed enormous for my fingers.
“Weird, but good. Let me share the experience with you,” John said and placed his left hand on my belly. The hand felt warm and soft.
I spread my legs a little, preparing for John’s hand. When the fingers finally swept over my aching member, I closed the eyes and gasped from the feeling. It was as if someone tickled you there, but in a more pleasant way. John’s fingers caressed my balls through the fabric of the shorts; every stroke sent a bolt of electric arousal through my body. It was so great I wished that John will never take the hand away from between my legs.
I opened the eyes and looked at my friend. A kinky all knowing smile covered his face. His eyes had a fascinating lusty gleam in them.
“Fantastic isn’t it?” He asked.
I nodded. My hand proceeded up to the waistband of John’s jean shorts. To the way there my fingers felt again the long and big shaft of John’s dick. Even through the jean fabric I could sense its heat.
I placed my hand under John’s gray shirt and then slid it into the jean shorts. The first thing I felt was the head of John’s dick trough the underwear. It felt pretty big to my fingers. There was a wet spot right on the top of the tent, made out from some sticky liquid.
“Wow…That’s so good…” John whispered. An ecstatic smile – which you can see a lot at raves – was spread across his face.
Despite feeling good, John’s hand still worked on my package. It went up and down my groin, intensifying the erotic pleasure I felt with every stroke. I started to feel how the pre-orgasmic tension appeared in the balls. Meanwhile, the fingers of my right hand were busy going up and down John’s shaft and playing with John’s tightened scrotum.
“You’re so crafted…You had experience before?” my best friend asked.
By the irregular breathing, sweat on the forehead and red cheeks I understood that my friend was close to the point of no return. I wanted to make sure that this moment will bring John extreme pleasure, so I moved my hand up to the waistband of his undies. I was ready to go under the last layer covering the hard tool when my heart sunk. I withdrew my hand from John’s pants at faster than light speed.
“What happened? Why did you stop?” John asked in a dismayed tone .
“Someone’s in the playground,” I said. The next moment the weight of John’s hand disappeared from my groin, leaving only a throbbing, pulsating and unsatisfied cock.
Our pleasurable activity was distracted by two twelve year old boys, that came to play to this playground.
“Do you think they’ve noticed us?” John asked.
I shook the head and responded:
“They were talking to each other.”
“Thank goodness! It was so close.”
John was right. Even if the tree had rich foliage, the leaves still couldn’t hide anything.
“My dick is so hard and ready to cum. A few strokes I guess and I would had spurted sperm all over my underwear. Why they came at this time?” John said in a frustrated voice.
“I feel the same way. I am so horny right now…I just want to end this, people around or not,” I said with an angry voice.
John looked at the two kids for some time, then lifted the head and looked at me.
“I have an idea. Can you wait till evening?”
“Are you crazy?! Not in this state. I will finish it in the first empty alley we enter,” I interrupted him.
“My parents won’t be home tonight, so there will plenty of time for things to try,” John finished.
A wide smile appeared on my face. I just couldn’t believe John’s words. Even my dick reacted to them. It went rock hard. An indestructible tower made out of flesh stood in my shorts.
“I am one hundred percent in it,” I said, feeling extreme excitement in my body. I wanted to stand up, shout and run from happiness at that moment.
We jumped from the three and went to our houses. On the way there we encountered absolutely no one. and it was fantastic. I don’t know about John’s, but my penis stood iron hard all the way back home. I envied my friend because he was wearing jean shorts which hid his package well, not like my yellow short shorts made out of thin fabric. It was as effective as walking in underwear only.
We stopped in front of my house.
“See you later then,” John said and smiled. I just nodded.
John walked away to the next house. On the road there, he placed the right hand into the front pocket of the jeans. I understood why he did it in flash. My dick made a twitch and spurted a big glob of precum.
When John finally entered inside the house, I moved toward my porch. I entered my home, and the first thing I did was putting the right hand into my shorts, wrapping the fingers around my hot hard shaft and starting pumping it. I didn’t even went to my room. I jacked off there in the hallway, with the spine propped against the main door. The orgasm came in about thirty seconds. I didn’t know how long it lasted, but for me it seemed to stretch in eternity, washing me with waves of electrical energy and bringing loads of cum from inside my body. When the orgasm finished I found myself covered in sweat with the heart beating at incredible speed and with an enormous quantity of semen in the underwear and on the right hand. I felt tired but good. Plans about the night were the only things in my head.
Xxx
When the day started turning to night and the sky in the west turned into a fiery orange-red blaze, I went out of my house and walked to the next one. When I stepped on the sidewalk, anxiety started to swirl in my stomach; the mouth went dry, and streams of blood flowed into the cavernous tissue of my excretory organ. On the road to John’s place I tried to keep my mind clear and calm. Various dirty images just kept flooding my consciousness. As I walked by the white fence standing between mine’s and John’s lawns, my dick went totally hard. A tent pointing upwards formed in the front of my shorts. I had wished that this wouldn’t occur till I am inside John’s house, but the teenage body works in a different modality than your mind.
I walked through the lawn on a red cobbled pathway toward John’s crib, climbed the three wooden steps of the porch and pushed the doorbell button. A tight knot twisted in my belly. Hot and sticky perspiration appeared on the spine. The legs felt weak and woobly.
The white door opened. John appeared in the entrance. The gray shirt still covered his body, but the jean shorts were gone. Long blue plain pants contoured his legs. For a second John’s happy eyes looked at my face, then they shifted to the lower parts of my body.
“Wow! You’re turned on already,” he commented.
“What about you?” I teased him.
“Mine is tired right now. I couldn’t help myself and jacked off a lot during the afternoon.”
I walked inside and said:
“And what must I do now? I kept my hands off the tool all afternoon only to hear that you’re tired?”
John closed the main door.
“You can wait till I am ready or you can masturbate alone,” he said. A dirty gleam passed trough his eyes.
“You’re so waiting for the latter one, right?” I asked while removing the green sneakers.
“I always wanted to see a guy wanking right in front of me,” John said. A red blush appeared on his cheeks.
“You’re a pervert,” I commented.
“Don’t tell me that you never fantasized about jacking off in such way that someone could see you,” John said. ”Also explain me then why you jacked off earlier sitting on the bed and looking at my room.”
My heart sunk. A tsunami of sweat washed over my body. But my erection didn’t weaken. John walked past me to the stairs leading on the second floor ahead.
I followed him, unable to say anything. Embarrassment and arousal were the only emotions in my immature mind. Embarrassment because of the fact that someone watched me; arousal because of the knowledge that if was my best friend and the hottest being I had ever met who looked at me.
On the second floor we turned right, and went to a white door on the left in the end of the hallway. On the road there I kept looking at John’s buttocks and at the bands of the underwear around the thighs, visible through the thin blue fabric of his pants. My right hand itched with the desire to stroke his ass, but something stopped it. Something told me that it’s better to take it slow. The result will be better.
John’s room looked pretty. A big window on the right let the remaining rays of the day fall onto the red carpet with yellow paisley patterns. The bed covered with a dark green sheet stood in the far left corner of the room. Next to it there was a large wardrobe made from light brown wood. On the left the computer desk was located. Next to the entrance stood a large bookshelf, however most of the shelves were filled with CD-s.
John went to the middle of the room. I walked next to him and looked right out of the window. I could see very clearly my room. So clearly that I even could read the time on my electronic clock. It was six thirty pm. The night was only beginning. I looked at John. A kinky smile appeared at my face. My tent in the shorts twitched.
“What we will do now?” He asked with a kinky voice and looked into my eyes. I looked into his and something passed between us. I felt a surge of courage. Or was it just lust? It doesn’t matter now. The most important thing is that at that moment I walked to John and placed my lips onto his. It was soft and tender kiss with no penetration. And it was the most arousing thing for me. And for John also. His tired member unfolded in less than a few seconds and started poking into my belly right above the top of my tent. I don’t remember for how long it lasted. Time didn’t matter at that moment. Only the silky and slightly wet lips of my best friend mattered. While we were kissing I moved my left hand down his spine till the buttocks. I caressed slowly the curves of his ass, feeling the bands of the underwear underneath my digits. I even moved my hand between the thighs and made John jump from surprise and squeeze the legs when the fingers reached the scrotum. My right hand was working on John’s left side, from the armpit till the pelvis. When it reached the waistband of my friend’s pants for the third time, it slipped under them and moved to his buttocks.
While I was doing this, John kept me aroused. His hand were as skillful as mine and seemed to know every secret of my body. John placed both hands on my shoulders and then slowly, very slowly moved them to my buttocks. They went under the waistband of my shorts and stroked my ass through the underwear. It was in indescribable feeling. It was as if the softest wind caressed my young thighs and with every blow brought a wave of tingling pleasure at that area. Also at the same time we were rubbing our dubs against each other through the clothes in order to enhance the sensations and bring closer the petite mort.
When we broke the kiss, we looked into each other eyes. It was then when we both understood why we were doing this. And it wasn’t wrong. We were close friends with the same problems, with the same fears. It was natural that our friendship transformed into something more deep. None of us said a word at that moment because it was clear already. True feelings aren’t expressed in words but in silence.
I caressed John’s left cheek with the fingers of my hand. He did the same thing. I closed the eyes and enjoyed the feeling. His fingers stroked my cheeks and then passed on my lips, sending electrical shivers of pleasure through my face and down into the body. I did the same thing for him.
“Do you want me to masturbate in front of you or you’re ready for mutual action?” I asked.
“What do you want to do?” He said and smiled.
I smiled back and said:
“Sit on the bed.”
John’s smile became wider.
“I will do what you want but with one condition. I will suck you later.”
“No problem,” he said and ran to the bed.
John sat on it and spread the legs a little. The tent in the pants was shocking. My hand just ached from the desire to do something to it. I went closer to John. So close that the front of my shorts was in front of his face. John smelled the air and the tent in his pants twitched.
“Can I touch you while you’re doing it?” He asked.
“You can do anything you want to me,” I said and then removed my blue shirt revealing my pale skinny body with a flat belly and ribs visible trough the skin. I threw the shirt on the floor and then moved the right hand onto my groin. I moved it up and down a little. When I got tired of this I pulled down the shorts. The only remaining garment on my body were the underwear made from a thin semitransparent white fabric. There was a wet spot on the top of my circus tent. I wanted to remove them too, but John’s right hand stopped it. He folded the fingers around my glans. I went to heaven from the touch. It was as if nuclear bomb of pleasure exploded in my groin and sent a hair rising wave of electric euphoria trough all my body.
John moved the fingers down the outline of my shaft and then stroked my balls with the palm of the hand. The feeling was so intense that I stood on the fingers of the legs and moved my groin closer to John’s face. So close that I could feel his warmth breath on my genitalia.
When John finally took the hand away, I shifted the weight back on the soles of the feet, grasped the waistband of the white undies with both hands and finally pulled down the last layer of clothing from my personal area. My three and a half inch long penis pointed right at John’s forehead. Half of the glans was free from prepuce showing the dark red, almost purple top of my boyhood. The skin there glimmered like if it was covered in something oily. A drop of clear liquid appeared from the urethral orifice. Large blue veins were visible trough the surface of the shaft’s aroused red skin. At the base of the cock there was a little patch of short straight black hair. The whole area groin was of a whiter shade than the rest of the body. I even could see the line in the lower belly demarcating the white zone from the rest of the body.
Something touched the back side of the glans, then I felt something wet at the base of my dick. Every hair on my body stood from the sensation. I looked down and saw John’s tongue touching my naked flesh and his nose poking against my glans. John’s tongue went up the shaft. I felt as if I died and were in heaven. My best friend – the idol of my fantasies, the only person I cared about outside the family – was licking me. When he reached the bulb of my rod, I closed the eyes and threw the head back. I was close to an orgasm, but not quite there. The pleasurable feeling behind the balls got stronger and tightened the whole area there. The bulb of my penis got bigger and redder. All my muscles in the pelvic area became tense. Sweat covered all my body. At that moment I understood what tachycardia means.
John removed the tongue. The trail he left on the backside of my dick felt chilly, and this drove me nuts from sensory overload.
“You smell and taste good,” he whispered and smiled.
Then he placed the right hand under my enlarged from arousal testicles and moved it to and fro. It was the last straw. I felt the extreme yet pleasurable tightening in the genitals, and then my glans enlarged and spurted the first load. And it was followed by another one. And another one. And another one. I felt as if the orgasm will never subside.
The first and the biggest load of the white fluid covered John’s nose and forehead. He then lowered the body back, and the second load fell on his gray shirt; the third one on the tent in the blue pants. The remaining spurts found place on the green sheet between his legs.
“Yuck!” John said.”You could have said that you’re cumming.”
Then he wiped the cum off his face with the right sleeve of the shirt.
“Don’t be so negative. I hit the jackpot,” I said and pointed at the long liquid white thread on the blue fabric of his pants in the groin, right on the outline of his erected member.
Jonh saw it and then spread it with the hand around the area. The white liquid changed in a dark wet spot.
“One part of our deal is done. Now lets proceed to the next one,” I said and sat on the knees between John’s legs.
The first thing I did was smelling the air. John’s pheromone filled scent was dulled by the chemical one of my sperm. But this didn’t stopped me from being aroused. I put the hand on the knees and moved them very slowly upwards. John half laid on the bed with the body supported by the elbows. His hand rested on both sides of the thighs, and I could see how they twitched from impatience. I lifted one angle of the mouth. I decided to do my part really slow, so to drive John to the highest peaks of sexual experience.
With every centimeter of the movement upwards my hand moved from the outer side to the inner side of John’s thighs. I felt with my palms the warm skin of his legs, the blood pulsating through the arteries and veins situated closer to the epidermis and the the tensed muscle beneath it. Two centimeters away from the groin my right hand already felt the sensual heat of John’s hidden parts of the body. The left hand meanwhile returned back to the outer side of the right thigh and continued upwards to the buttock, to the waistband of the pants.
The first thing I touched through the fabric of the pants was the soft and supple skin of John’s scrotum. My friend gasped. I felt how his thighs tensed from the contact.
Then I moved the hand on the wet spot covering Jon’s hot rod. Again I was impressed by how long it felt. I stroked John’s wank trough the pants and then moved the right hand to the top of the tent. When the forefinger arrived there, John gasped again and threw back the head.
“I hope you’re not cumming,” I asked.
“Not, but close to that,” he whispered. I tickled the top several times and then proceeded to the waistband. I moved John’s shirt up, then pulled down the blue pants till the middle of the thighs. The light blue underwear barely contained John’s monster. While looking at the stretched to the max fabric with a wet spot on the highest point, I wondered if it will rip any minute now.
Now John’s smell was almost suffocating. This musky and fishy scent clouded my mind with a red haze. I placed my hands around the waistband of the underwear and also pulled them down to the middle of the thighs.
In front of me there was only the magical tool, the thing that drives almost every male in the world. At that moment I felt excitement from seeing the last hidden part of my best friend’s body, also a feeling of success because I will the first outsider who will touch it and bring juice from it.
John’s penis was longer than mine. To my eyes it looked five, maybe even five and a half inches long. The red from arousal foreskin covered the bulb of John’s organ. Prominent veins elevated from under the skin of the shaft. What impressed me was that John still had no hair on the pubic area. There were only one or two on the skin of his tightened and big scrotum. John’s genital area was of a whiter shade than the rest of the body with clear borders on the lower abdomen and thighs, just like mine.
The only thing I could smell at this moment was John’s boyhood. It was so arousing that even my exhausted dick twitched and stood up again. I lowered my head into John’s genital area and started licking the scrotum. My tongue explored every valley between the wrinkles covering the nutsack, and with every lick John gasped. When I got tired of licking balls I proceeded to the shaft. My tongue felt the warm silky soft skin of the tool and the hard steel beneath it. John stopped moving. All his body was in a state of tension. He breathed in small gasps with long pauses between inhalation and exhalation. I could feel with my hands placed on the thighs how sweat excreted from the pores of the skin and evaporated, filling the place with a warm, suffocating sensual mist. I reached the top of the tower and moved my tongue underneath the prepuce. John thrust the pelvis up and threw the head back. I feared that he will cum any minute, but nothing happened after it. I didn’t want John to ejaculate so early. I wanted to play more with his jewels. I guessed that John’s extensive onanism in the afternoon prevented him from an early ejaculation right now and I was happy about it.
Tasting his rubbery oily glans was a like tasting an exotic meal, and this meal felt salty, with small hints of bitterness. When I moved my thrill seeking tongue to John’s urethra’s opening, the bitterness of the skin intensified. The licking of a big glob of precum revealed the source of this bitterness. Apart from taste, the texture of the dickhead’s skin was something new. Never before I had licked something so velvety and smooth.
I could pass my tongue around John’s genitalia all night but I had different plans. I wanted to envelope it fully with my mouth and feel it’s hardness, warmth, pulsation in my mouth. I bent my head over it and tried to put in my mouth. After about a minute of useless attempts, I understood that it’s impossible to place John’s dick in the mouth while my friend is in a half laying position. I lifted my head up and wanted to tell my John about the problem, but I didn’t manage to convey my words in thoughts because a moment later he straightened the body. The groin got lower, so low that the huddled and enlarged scrotum touched the blue sheets of the bed. John’s red aroused knob emerged from between the legs. The purple and read head reminded me of police sirens, maybe due to its colour or the amount of attention it attracted. But I didn’t thought about it for too long. I plunged my head back into my friend crotch, and my mouth covered one quarter of John’s shaft. How did it felt? Imagine putting the thumb finger into the mouth, then try feeling it like if it was without the nail and bones. If you achieved this, try to imagine the finger as very velvety, warm and pulsating. As final touch add a salty and bitter taste together with a fishy sensual smell. That’s how John’s wand felt in my mouth with the glans scratching against the palate.
John’s breath stopped for a minute. For a long time there was no exhalation. When finally John breathed out I started moving my tongue around the shaft and around the glans, both above and under the prepuce. A big deal of attention I payed to the frenulum on the back of John’s dick. Every time I passed there he would gasp and tense all the muscles in the thighs. Also, his dick would twitch, sending an orb of bitter precum on my hard palate. This, however, didn’t last long.
After three or four minutes of oral stimulation, John couldn’t hold the orgasm no more and ejaculated straight into my mouth. The advent of the orgasm came with the sudden jerk of his body. John threw the head back and thrust the pelvis ahead. His dick hit straight in the roof of my mouth; in less than a second it swelled and spurted the first load of semen into my mouth. When I felt the hot and salty liquid in my mouth, I pulled my head away from John’s personal fountain, but John’s dick was faster than my instincts. The second load still went into my mouth, and the third load hit me in the face right below my nose. By quickly pulling back the head I missed the fourth by few millimeters. It fell with a weak thud on the bed’s sheet. The next three emissions followed the same pattern. After them, the little spurts just appeared from the urethra and trickled down John’s dick.
A minute of blissful silence stood after the orgasm. I looked at John’s esctatic face while playing with his sperm in my mouth. It was difficult to swallow due to the sticky quality and the weird salty taste. I swallowed it in little bits. After ten gulps, my mouth was free from it. The only thing reminding about the sperm was an unpleasant bitter taste. The semen on my face trickled down on my lips and I used the chance to wipe it with my tongue. Another thing reminding of semen – apart from the taste in my mouth and white-gray puddles on the bed between John’s legs – was the smell. The room was just filled with a smell very similar to the one of detergents or washing powder. This odour seemed to have a palpable physical quality despite being invisible. It felt like a warm mist, a mist that gave me desire to continue various sexual shenanigans with John. However, my dick was against it. Yes, it was aroused, but one stroke of the shaft send a bolt of pain through the groin. Too little time had passed since the last ejaculation. The same thing was happening to John.
My friend opened the eyes and just pulled back the underwear and pants. The only things showing signs of recent sexual activity were the semen stains on the bed.
“Wow! You’re amazing! We should try it once again!” John exclaimed in an exited and energetic tone. Instead of feeling tired after intense erotic experience, he felt energetic and aroused (not in that meaning). To be true, I also felt this way. There wasn’t a single trace of exhaustion in my body.
“Later, okay! My dick’s tired,” I responded, then wiped John’s cum from my face with the back of my right hand.
“Placed it right into the place,” John said with a smile on the face. “ How did my cum taste.”
“Great! Do you eat too much salt?” I asked.
John smiled. “No! I hope to taste yours, when you’ll be ready for it.”
“Oh you will!” I said and winked at him.
Then I stood up on the feet, pulled up the underwear and short from the ankles, found the shirt on the floor and wore it.
When I dressed up, I looked at the time in the lower right angle of John’s computer desktop. The things that struck me most was the amount of that time passe since the beginning of our hidden act. It felt like more than an hour had passed since we began kissing and stroking, when in fact all our actions took less than fifteen minutes.
“What we will do now?” John asked while standing up from the bed. When he stood, a noticeable but tired tent formed in the front of the blue pants.
I smiled at him and said:
“I am hungry!”
He smiled and went toward the door. I followed him and in the doorway, while looking at his little tent, I just let go of my control and grabbed the area between John’s legs. He jumped from surprise. I giggled and ran away from him. It was not long before John caught me in the living room, placed we with the spine up on a sofa, moved a hand between my legs and started touching my private parts till my dick jerked in his hands. After it, I turned around and promised I will do the same to him. John just smiled and ran into the kitchen.
All the night was spent in such sensual delights. We would grab each other at every available opportunity, dry hump each other both while wearing shorts ( pants in John’s case) or underwear, suck each other or satisfy each other with the help of various toys. One thing I liked the most was the “who will cum last” challenge. It went for several hours in the early morning. We would stroke our members close to the point of no return and then wait for some time. When the feeling of impending orgasm went away, we resumed our masturbation. The one who wouldn’t be able to stand the pressure of the twilight zone will lose. The problem was that no one intended to lose, so we switched to mutual masturbation. The game ended in a mere flash with both of us getting the strongest orgasm in our lives. After it we both fell asleep in each others arm, swimming in pools of otherworldly and electrical warmth, with our clothes laying all around the room’s floor.
We repeated our sexual adventures every day and on daily basis, We would dry hump each other or try to stroke our soft flesh in open spaces outside home, totally unafraid of being caught. The same pattern would be repeated then in the evening at our homes. We have tried everything two horny teens can do during that summer.
“Is it over?” Annah asked impatiently. She lay on a round yellow water bed, wearing white panties only. Her breasts were open to the caresses of fresh evening breeze and voyeurs’ stares from the flat complex across the road.
“Yes! Wow! Who knew that writing gay porn is so exciting!” Penelope responded. “You know. I feel so horny right now.”
“Then come here,” the brunette in the bed responded, while preparing her genitalia with the right hand for prolonged mutual masturbation ahead. “Today we’ll gonna reach cloud nine.”
“Do you think John loves me,” Penelope asked dreamily.
“After what you write about him…Nah!”
Penelope looked at Hannah with sad eyes. “Sometimes I wish I were a guy, so that I could do this stuff with him for real.”
Hannah rolled the eyes. ”You know you can just talk to him, go out with him and so on…”
“I want this kind of experience from a guy’s viewpoint. Not as a girl, but a boy!”
“Come here and be my boy!” Hannah said kinkily.
The blonde girl stood up from behind the comp-

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The Leprechaun

A man walks in to a bathroom and sees a midget pissing at a urinal. He couldn’t help but notice that the midget’s cock had to be two feet long. “ Holy Shit how did you get such a big cock” He asks
“ It’s easy I’m a Leprechaun we have special powers and can grant wishes” the Leprechaun replied
So the man grabs him and says “ Ha I caught you so now you must give me a wish. Right?”
“I guess so “ says the Leprechaun “ What do you want?”
“ I want a big dick like your’s “ He says
“ Ok, no problem, but to do that I have to fuck you in the ass and as I fuck you, your dick will extend out and be two feet long.” the Leprechaun tells him.
“ No Fucking Way . You are not fucking me with that.” the man yells.
“Well you already made your wish, take it or leave it.” the Leprechaun informs him.
So the man thinks about it and decides that it will hurt but, it will be worth it in the long run. So he says yes, the Leprechaun bends him over the sink and starts fucking him hard. Five minutes pass then ten then twenty. Finally the man can’t take it anymore and yells.
“ How long does this take?”
To which the Leprechaun responds.
“ I don’t know, how long have you believed in Leprechauns?”

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joke

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

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Look Darling

A man comes into his bedroom one evening with a sheep under his arm and says to his wife, “Look darling, this is the pig I have to sleep with whenever you hace a headache.”
His wife replies, “I think if you’ll look closely, you’ll find it’s a sheep.”
To which he retorts, “I think if YOU look closely, you’ll find I was TALKING to the sheep…”
That is the end of the joke but apparently I need to submit at least 500 characters so this postscript is both superfluous and redundant. On that note, in the previous sentence, I used the words ‘superfluous’ and ‘redundant’. In this example, one of those words is superfluous, and the other is redundant. Work it out and get back to me… 😉

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Childhood Love Revisted

A young teen revisits his former “love” and things quickly heat up. Questions, comments and suggestions are welcome as this is my first post here.

Vacation At The Nudist Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says “Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, “Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, “Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”

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2 Nun’s on Bikes

Two Nun’s were riding down the road on their bikes. Wanting a change of scenery from their normal route, They decide to take a different road which turns out to be paved with cobble stones.
The First nun looks at the second and says “You know..I have never come this way before”
The second nun looks at her and asks “what was that?”
The First Nun replies “I said I’ve never come this way before.”
The second Nun nods and replies “it’s prob. the cobble stones

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The sneeze

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!
Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?”
The woman replies, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, “I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?”
The woman looks at him and says, “Pepper.”

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Sex Jokes A-Z (5)

You know the drill, comment, rate, and give me your favourite jokes if you’d like to see them in a new ‘Reader Favourite’ post…..

Sex With The English Teacher

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”
“Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!”
The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”
“That’s right, Dad.”
“Well, you became a man today – this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.”
“That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

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