Gates of Heaven

plz feel free to com and mail

Mum visits her son.

Could not have babies.

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?”
“A bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, “Idon’t know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her “What did you do to that naked fellow?”
After a little pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.”

Read 55080 times |
Rated 69.3 % |
(659 votes)

Vote list (Close) :1c.c.
: POSITIVEDoran
: POSITIVEWimmers
: NEGATIVETexas select
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

Woman in pharmacist.

It was just after a devastating nuclear war, and God came down to the Last Jew, Aberham
Appearing before the startled man, God said unto him “because you have been faithful, you have survived and I will grant you 3 wishes, however, as the arabs were persecuted, you should know, whatever you wish for, I shall increase 2 fold, for the last Arab.
The Aberham did not like this, but such as it was, he considered and said “Well Lord, for my first wish I wish for 1000 Square miles of fertile uncontaminated land.
And The lord smiled and says “that is wise, you will need a place to live that is free from contamination and to grow your food, but as you have wished I must give the arab, 2000 Square miles.
Aberham was troubled by this..but on to his second wish “Lord, I wish for 50, beautiful fertile women.
And God said “again a wise choice, for you must repopulate the earth, But as the arabs were persecuted I must give him 100 Women.
and Aberham REALLY didn’t like this.
So he thought hard and then said to God “Lord, to remind me of this day of sadnes…I wish you to remove ONE of my balls….
The moral of this story is, never try to screw with a Jew

Read 31614 times |
Rated 69.4 % |
(294 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

not so sexy

A joke for the ppl who never heard it before.

Once again, not one of my ideal jokes, but you guys out there may find it slightly humourous….

Having already downed a few power drinks, the woman turned to the man beside her, looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean… it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.” Eyes wide with interest, he responded, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

Read 24771 times |
Rated 70 % |
(220 votes)

Vote list (Close) :Vegekae
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know…..it never happened)
( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)
Some more for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, ” University of Oklahoma .”
And they say blondes are dumb…
———————————————————————————————————————————
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
“I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”
———————————————————————————————————————————
“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.
———————————————————————————————————————————
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
———————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN
———————————————————————————————————————————
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
———————————————————————————————————————————
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
———————————————————————————————————————————
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manual.”
———————————————————————————————————————————

Read 79518 times |
Rated 70.1 % |
(1141 votes)

Vote list (Close) :pink.panther99
: POSITIVEnewdragon43
: POSITIVEduluvan
: POSITIVE6icequeen9
: POSITIVEMuffin1419
: POSITIVEwritingfantasyxox
: POSITIVEmontyauii
: POSITIVEAnonymous72
: POSITIVEMikey48
: POSITIVEwlmaster75
: POSITIVEliNfu69Lover
: POSITIVEbandfour
: POSITIVE

Please rate this text:   

Many people have emailed me especially requesting a page where I just have jokes about women, since they want to be sexist bastards, but just can’t remember any of the sexist ones and/or are too lazy to look for them sifting through other jokes, so yes i know these jokes are repeats of my other jokes, but just bear with me…….

These answers were not mine (I wish they were) a friend told them to me, and I found them amusing enough to add them here……. Yes girls, i know i’m a sexist prick, if you have a problem with that we can discuss it while your making my dinner!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

Read 55182 times |
Rated 71.2 % |
(653 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

sorry about the other one I screwed up on the last one

Two boys find something. This is my first time dont be too harsh

This one’s pretty long, but in my opinion its well worth the read once you get to the end.

It’s one of three…

A joke for the ppl who never heard it before.

Just a bit of fun…….

Got these from a site a friend recommended to me. Check out my profile for other jokes. Ratings and comments appreciated

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in

A woman calls her veterinarian and tells him that her male German
shepherd is making sexual advances towards her. He responds by
suggesting that she can bring him in to have him neutered.
“No,” she replies, “All I want you to do is clip his toe nails and
sweeten his breath.”
==========================================================================
A man walks into a bar with a St. Bernard and asks for a martini. The dog
requests a double martini.
The bartender says to the man “So you’re a ventriloquist. Big deal. We don’t
serve dogs in here.”
The man gets up to go to the men’s room, and the dog again requests his drink.
The bartender is amazed. “Good God, you can talk. Will you do a favor for me?”
The dog replies, “What’s in it for me?”
The bartender goes to the cash register and takes out a $20 bill. “Here’s $20.
Go across the street to Riley’s bar and tell the guys in there that they are a
bunch of wimps and that our softball team will whip their a**es when we play
them this weekend.”
The dog goes out. His owner returns and asks “Where’s Rex?”
The bartender says “He went across the street to do me a favor.” The
owner is visibly upset and says “I don’t let Rex out alone!”
The dog’s owner leaves immediately to retrieve Rex, but Rex is not across the
street. He is in the gutter in front of the bar going at it fast and hard with
an Irish Setter. The owner is amazed. “Rex, what’s come over you? You’ve
never done anything like this before.” Rex responds, “I’ve never had money
before.”

Read 59757 times |
Rated 72.5 % |
(487 votes)

Vote list (Close) :

Please rate this text:   

Hope you like it.