How can you tell a blondes been in a refrigerator?
Ans: There’s a condom on the pickle.

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A teacher was giving her lessons to her first grade students. The topic was about forming a complete word from several given letters. She gave the class an oral test but, whenever she could, she tried to avoid calling Bart for the recitation. She knew very well that Bart was able to make offensive sex jokes out of almost anything under the sun. It was five minutes before the bell sounded when Bart finally noticed that, even if he was raising his hands, the teacher wouldn’t call him, so he started to complain.
Bart: “Excuse me, Mrs. Johnson, but it seems that you’ve called everyone else in the room but me. Could you please give me a shot at it?”
Teacher: “Well, OK, Bart…. I’m gonna give you three letters and PLEASE try your best to form a very DECENT word out of it. Am I understood?”
Bart: “Yes, Ma’am.”
Teacher: “Good, so here goes your three letters…..The teacher paused for a while to think of three letters that COULD NOT POSSIBLY form any offensive English word. After a few seconds she said…..”OK, Bart, try this D…W…A…”
Bart bowed his head, thought for a moment, then answered… “D…W…A…. Ummmm…. DWARF !!!!!!”
Teacher: “Very good, Bart!!!” The teacher was about to turn her back when she suddenly heard Bart continue his unfinished answer……
Bart: “DWARF!!!!!! and he has a GREEN DICK as big as THIS!!!!”

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Did you hear about the woman who was like a refrigerator?
Everyone wants to put their meat in her.

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pm me or mail me at [email protected] or comment concerning this

Billy’s mom told Billy to take a shower. “Will you go with me he asked”
“Okay but just dont look up or look down” she replied.
Billy looked up “mommy what are those.”
“These are my coconuts”
Bill looked down “mommy what are those.”
“This is my jungle.” she replied.
Bill got out of the shower and his dad came. “Billy go take a shower.” he told him.
“Okay, but will you go with me.”
“Sure but dont look down”
Billy looked down “daddy what is that”
“This is my snake” he replied
Later in that evening it was night time. Billy asked his father and mother if he could sleep with them.
“Okay but just dont look under the sheets.”
Billy looked under the sheets. “Ewww.” Billy replied. “Daddy’s snake is going into mommys jungle and he’s grabbing he coconuts.”

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I felt like a real man when after a long (20-30 seconds) session of love-making my girlfriend told me I was hung like a moose. I then shrunk back down to size, literally and figuratively, when she clarified her statement, “Yeah, you’re hung like a moose…chocolate mouse!!!”

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There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party… Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.
“A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my pants!”

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An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
“I should tell you, I have acute angina” she said.
The man replied, “thats good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!”

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GUY CAUGHT MASTURBATING
My father caught me masturbating in my room and said I would go blind! I said, “Dad I’m over here!”.

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Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

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An ace team of sex researchers decided to study both gay men and lesbian women at a local bar. So one day they prepared a questionnaire and asked 20 gay men and 20 lesbian women what they liked most about sex. The gay men at the bar responded, “It tastes great!” And the gay women responded, “It’s less filling.”

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Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?
Ans: Their names were Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.

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Chocolate Delight.

One day a man was driving down a country road in his car when off to the side he saw a man having sex with some sheep. Disturbed by this, he drove to the nearest house to tell the sheep’s owner what was going on. When he knocked on the door a little boy answered. The man told the boy what was going on. The boy responded, “That’s ok. it’s just my daaaaad.”

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A young boy comes into the kitchen and tells his mother that the brown cow fucked the white cow. His mom explains that this is not a nice word and from now on if he sees this he should say that the brown cow surprised the white cow.
The next day was the mother’s bridge club and with all her lady friends present the boy runs into the house and says, “Mom, guess what?”
The mother says, “I know dear, the brown cow surprised the white cow.”
The boy replies, “He sure did, he fucked the white cow again.”

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A car, a penis, and a reindeer were talking about who has the worst job. The car said, “Well, I have the worst job because people run into me and honk at me.” The reindeer said, “I have hunters trying to shoot me every year, and I have to avoid getting run over.” The penis said, “Well, I have THE WORST job because this guy puts a plastic bag over my head and makes me do push ups until I spit up!

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A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian diagnosed the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
“First,” he said. “I don’t want to have to kiss her.
Second, you must never tell anyone about this.”
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
“Well,” said Ed, “you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.”

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After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. “Doctor,” he said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “We’re pure Asian.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”
The man seemed ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month.”
“There you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s just rust.”

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two gay guys and a strait guy are going to go to the superbowl they get to there hotel
and theres about six hours to burn finaly after sitting there for a half hour the strait guy
sais I know what to do we can play football the two gay guys ask how do we do that
he sais burbs will be touchdowns and farts will be feild goals so there burping and
farting and the strait guy bends over and sais this is going to be a huge feild goal worth
at least fifteen points so he’s grunting and pushing and the gay guy jumps up and sais
UHHHHHH, DENIDE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A blond walked into the candy shop and asked the clerk for the biggest lollypop he had, the clerk laughed and said ” Well, we have the large round ones or the straight twirl sticks.either or they both are good!” no I wanted the candy stick that is 11 inches long… the girls at the beauty shop are always talking about
Tommy’s lollypop… where can I get it at?

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What kind of birds deliver babies?- Storks.
What kind of birds don’t deliver babies? – Swallows.

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There was this woman who didn’t have a man and so she didn’t had sex in months. So she went to this voodoo woman and explained her problem, she said ” miss I can’t tell you the last time i had sex i need your help please can you help me?” so the voodoo woman gave her a voodoo cock and told her that when she wants to use it just say, ” voodoo cock my pussy”. The woman then ran home in excitement that she didn’t wait for the rest of the instructions. As soon as she got home she said, “voodoo cock my pussy” and the cock started to fuck her. Two hours passed and the woman was getting tired but she didn’t know how to get the cock to stop fucking her. She tried everything but nothing worked. Finally she went to the police station and met a sgt. on duty. She explained the whole story to the officer and said that she needed help. The sgt. then said to her, ” woman, you expect for me to believe this nonsense bout a voodoo cock? Woman if you don’t get out of my face talking shit. Woman voodoo cock my ass.”

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A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term “doing the laundry” to use in place of “having sex.”
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They “did the laundry” 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, “Can we do the laundry again?” but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn’t do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn’t unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and “do the laundry” with him again.
She gently shook him and said, “Honey, I’m sorry I denied you… We can do the laundry again if you want,”
He replied, “That’s ok… It was a small load… I did it by hand.”

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A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”
The wife lies down on the bed… just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true. “Look,… lie here on the bed – you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife… Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here?”
The manager replies: “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

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What does Michael Jackson and Burger King have in common?
Ans: They both stick meat into 6 year old buns!

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How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
Ans: His hand caught fire.

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Relaxing in Kitchen.

YOU ALL KNOW THE BASIC 69 POSITION,
WELL SINCE THE ECONOMY IS GOING TO HELL,
THE 69 POSITON IS BEING REPLACED BY THE 96,
BECAUSE THE COST OF EATING IS ON THE RISE 🙂

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