A drunk get’s on the bus and goes to the back of the bus. The driver goes down the street and a girl enters the bus and the driver says, “Tickle your cunt with a feather.”
The girl says, “What did you say?”
The bus driver says, “Typical country weather.” He does this about four more times when the drunk gets up and goes to the driver and says, “What do you keep asking these young girls?”
The driver says, “When a girls gets on my bus I ask if she tickles her cunt with a feather. If she says, ‘What did you say?’ I say, ‘Typical country weather.’ If she says, ‘Yes,’ I take her home that night.”
So the drunks asks if he can try. When the next girl enters the bus the drunk says, “Scratch your box with a stick.”
The girl replies, “What did you say?”
The drunk says, “Looks like rain.”

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Tom the Postman was on the last day of work before retiring when he got to a house near the end of his route and there was a note on the door : “Tom, ring the bell when you get here!”
So he does and the lady of the house opens the door dressed in a very provocative negligee as they say , a size too low, and invites him in. “Tom, I know this is your last day so I made you a little lunch”. They sit down at a candlelit table (it was a dark cloudy day) and enjoy lunch accompanied by the appropriate Pinot (what else?).
After lunch he thanks her and starts to leave and she says “There’s something more, come with me” and takes him upstairs into the bedroom, undresses him and fucks his brains out.
He gets dressed and thanks her again and she then hands him a $10 bill. “Wow!” he says, you really didn’t have to…” and she says “Well I told my husband it was your last day and asked him what I should give you and he said ‘ Fuck him, give him 10 bucks’, but lunch was my own idea!”

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TWO PROSTITUTES WALKING BY CHURCH
Two prostitutes were walking by a church when one of them said to the other, “we should go inside. They’ve got a guy in there who’s really hung!”
“Tell me more,” replied the other one.
“Well, he’s hung like this,” said the friend stretching out her arms straight out at her sides. Note: This joke works better as a visual one.

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Why do dogs lick their penises?
Ans: Because they can’t make fists.

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This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.
“Oh my God!” she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff’s car parked in front of the town bar.
“It figures,” she says as she storms inside.
The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who’s sitting at the bar with his drink.
“What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal…. and then …I come in here …and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!”
“Well, ma’am,” the sheriff slowly replies, “you don’t expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?”

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A man was visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: “She choked.”

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Q: Why did the Priest go to Walmart?
A: He wanted to get boys pants “half” off!

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A guy has spent a long time out on the range and decides to head into a small town nearby. He’s very horny and decides to stroll into the local bar and ask someone where he can find some available women. The bartender tells him that all of the men in town use the local pig pen and that is all they have. This disgusts the guy and he decides to leave the area.
After spending several more years out on the range and starting to get horny again, he decides to give the town another try but is informed again that all that is available is the local pig pen. Not having any other options available to him, he decides to give it a try. When he is finished, he notices everyone looking at him and when he approaches, they all start running away. Finally he catches up with an old woman who is too slow to get away from him, and he asks her, “what’s wrong? Why is everyone avoiding me when everyone else is using that same pig pen?”
“That was Johnny Ringo’s girl,” replied the old lady.

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Why did the blonds belly button hurt after sex?
Ans: Her boyfriend was blond.

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A cosmetic surgeon in Dallas specializes in enhancements, mailny penis enhancements. One day, a man walks in and says,”Doc, my wife and I are naturalists, and we want something closer to nature. Can you give me a wooden penis?” The doctor tries to talk him out of it, but in the end, he does the surgery.
The next day, a man walks in and says,”Doctor, my girlfriend wants sometihng more exotic in the bedroom, so could you give me a glass penis?” The doctor tries to talk him out of the idea, but does it anyways.
The next day, a man walks in and says,”Doc, My girlfriend says I’m too small and I wanna impress her. Could you give me a 50 yard penis?” The doctor tell the man his idea is absurd, but the man is persistent, and the doctor does it.
A week later, the man with the wooden penis walks in and says,”Doc, I was havin’ sex with my wife and my dick splintered in her pussy. We had to go the emergency room and it was way too embarassing. Can I just have my real penis back?” The doctor, trying to avoid a lawsuit, does it.
The next day, the second man walks in and says,”Doctor, I was banging my girlfriend and my cock broke in her ass. We had to go the hospital and I want my old penis back!” The doctor performs the surgery and the man leaves.
The next day, the man with the 50 yard penis walks in. The doctor says,”Lemme guess, you want your old penis back?” The mans says,”Hell no, I love it. You see that hot chick way over there?” The doctor nods. He unzips his pants and with a quick thrust shouts, “Bang! GOT HER!”

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man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, “Your butt is as wide as the grill.” She ignores the remark.
A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, “Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!”
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken.”

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This is how you discover your best friends is cheating with your wife

President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They’d spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.
“The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.”
President Clinton frowned. “Russian roulette’s not a friendly nice game.”
The African leader smiled. “That’s why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you’ll have to play. I’ll show you how.”
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. “You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex,” he told Clinton.
This gained Clinton’s immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. “How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?” he asked the African leader.
The African leader replied, “One of them is a cannibal.”

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A guy is sitting in a bar when he notices an attrative young woman sitting just down the bar. “What the hell?” he thinks and goes to talk to her. “Hi how are you?” He asks. She turns and screams. “What no I won’t sleep with you!” The guy is shocked and retreats to his seat. Later the same woman walks up to him. “I’m sorry about that but i’m a physoclogy major and i’m doing research on people put in embarrassing situations. Here let me buy you a drink.” He turns and screams “What 200 for a blow job?”

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Two friends jack and sam were visiting the forests of africa….they were spotted by a tribe sam climbed on a tree and hid..the tribe caught jack and all the tribals raped him and then let him go..
Few months later they visited the forests again and were spotted by the same tribe again this time jack climbed the tree and sam was caught when the tribe came their head said that this guy was fucked a few months ago also and they should try fucking the man hiding in the tree this time…
This is my first joke so please i expect a positive response…
Thank u

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Do you know what they do with the foreskin after a circumcision?
Ans: They sell them to gay men for chewing gum.

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It was reported that a lesbian couple in San Francisco decided that one of them should get a sex change operation. Do you know what the name of the procedure for this is called?
Ans: An addadictomy.

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What do blondes and spaghetti have in commen?
Ans: They both wiggle when you eat them!!!

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two gay guys are about to have sex the second guy wants to take a shower before they
have sex the first guy saise go haid just dont jack off without me after the second guy has
been in there for fourty minutes the first guy is furious right before he goes to break the
door the second guy comes out the first guy sais I knew it you where jacking off in there
the second guy sais no I wasnt the first guy checks and theres cum all over the walls
I knew it you where jacking off the second guy sais no I wasnt I just farted

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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

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A 200-pound guy goes to the doctor complaining about a problem. The doctor examines him and discovers that each of his testicles weighs 50-lbs. “I know what your problem is,” the doctor tells him. “Your half nuts!!”

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What’s the Russian word for VD?
Ans: Rotchurcockoff.

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Why did I cross the road?
Ans: Because my dick was in the chicken.

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Tonto stopped at a spot on the plains and put his ear to the ground and said to the Lone Ranger, “Many Indians have come here.” The Lone Ranger marvelling at his skills, asked Tonto how he knew this.
Tonto replied, “cause the ground is very sticky.”

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A blonde, redhead, and a brunette were riding in an elevator when they reach the top floor and the doors open they all notice a small spot of fluid on the floor.
The redhead puts her finger in it and feels it. “It feels like semen.”
The brunette puts her finger in it and smells it. “It smells like semen.”
The blonde puts her finger in it and tastes it. ” Its not from anyone on this floor.”

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she claims.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.” The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.” The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!”

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Two women from Afghanistan were walking down a dusty dirt road. They stopped for a moment and one held up two potatoes she was carrying for the other to see. Then the other one exclaimed, “those look like my husbands balls.”
“You mean your husband has balls this big?”
“No,” replied the other woman, “his balls are that dirty.”

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