When do you slap a midget?
Ans: When he says, “Gee, your hair smells terrific!”

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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
“Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!”

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A just ready to be married couple is at church on their wedding day. They are going over some final preparations for the wedding ceremony, when the urge strikes them and they retreat rapidly to a small private room in the church. She performs oral sex on him. After a while he emerges and returns to the men in his wedding party.
One of his groomsmen notices that he has a big happy grin on his face and says to him, “Bill, why are you looking so happy and relaxed? I thought this being your wedding day, you would be very nervous and fidgety.”
He replies, “Well, the reason I am so happy and relaxed is because I just got the best blow job I have ever received from my bride to be.”
Meanwhile the bride to be is back with the people in her wedding party all happy and relaxed too. Her maid of honor notices this demeanor and asks her, “Why are you so happy and relaxed on your wedding day? You should be very nervous and excited.”
She replied, “Well, the reason I am so happy is that I just gave the last blow job of my life.”

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!

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There once was a cucumber, a stick, and a dick. The cucumber said, “I have a terrible life. People cut me up and eat me.”
The stick shook his head and said, “My life is worse. People cut me up and burn me!”
The dick shook his head and said, “I had the worse life out of either one of you. People shove me in a dark room and make me do push-ups until I throw-up.”

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A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. “Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!”
“Good..”
“Now I also want you to take off my Bra.”
“Good…”
“Now can you take off my panties.”
“Very Good! Now, don’t let me catch you wearing them again!”

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An Aussie once visited England. While there he was walking down a country lane alongside a farm. After a while he saw an English sheep farmer fucking one of his sheep. To this the Aussie yells, “Aye, Mate! In Australia we shear those!”
To which the farmer replies, “I ain’t sharing nothing with you. Go and get your own.!”

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Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!”
And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”

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Why did the snowman pull his pants down?
Ans: Because the snow blower was coming by.

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From time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales reps who use our library. The other day a Glaxo rep told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to everyone so you consider buying stock in the company. The drug is called, “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

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Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked the one.
“Well, not exactly.” his friend replied, “she’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see, kinky, huh?”
“Well, not exactly – I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.”

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What is the definition of making love?
Ans: What your wife does while you are fucking her.

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A lady named Cindy works at a tickle me elmo factory, one day her boss hears she is majorly behind schedule and the toys are piling up the side of the conveyer belt. He decides to personaly handle it. He gos to that part of the building and sure enough there Cindy is, inbetween mountians of tickle me elmos. He noticed she was glueing two cotton balls to the upper thigh of it. The boss walks over to her and says “I told u to give all of them two test tickles.
A child and his father are out in the garden one day and the kid asks his dad is that a mommy longleg under that daddy longleg? The dad says ” no son, there are no mommy longlegs.” The father feels proud at his sons intuitiveness, until his son smashes them and says”we’ll have non of that gay shit around here”.

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A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
“NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE”
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
“what I’ll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it’s a snake skin belt”
“Yes” the woman replies “but what about the skunk?”
“I don’t know, you’ll just have to hide it up your skirt”
“but what about the smell?” the woman asks.
To which the man replies “Look, if it dies it dies!”

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Three men are discussing their previous night’s lovemaking. The Italian says, “My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.”
The Frenchman says, “I smooth sweet butter on my wife’s body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.”
The Jew says, “I covered my wife’s body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours.”
The others say, “Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?”
He shrugs. “I wiped my hands on the drapes.”

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It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig’s ass popping out.
The first man says, “I wish that was Demi Moore’s Ass”
The second man says, “I wish that was Pamela Anderson’s Ass.”
Then the third man says, “I wish it was dark.”

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There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years.
One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, “you know, I’ve never had a woman in my life.”
So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars.
He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.
He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. “What are you doing?” the old man screamed.
The parrot replied, “Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the bitch naked!”

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In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he’s driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, “Charlie! What are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Can’t talk right now…. I’m driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he suddenly stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, “Well Charlie, how you doing?”
Charlie says, “I’m exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.”
“That’s great,” replied the nurse, “I’m glad you had a safe trip.” The nurse leaves Charlie’s room, and then goes across the hall into another patients’ room, and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, “Ed what are you doing?”
To which Ed replies, “Shhh, I’m screwing Charlie’s wife, while he’s in Chicago.”

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A man’s wife is in coma in the hospital, and one day the doctor walks in and changes her IV bag. While doing so, he accidentally grazes her breast and she moans. Happily, the doctor runs to the husband and tells him what had happened and tells him to perform oral sex on her because it might liven her up a bit. The husband runs in and quickly starts performing oral sex on her, but he comes back out 3 minutes later, very sad looking. “Well… what happened,” the doctor asks. “She’s dead,” the husband starts crying. “Why?” the doctor says. “She choked.”

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Here are a couple of jokes for you guys, they are not my original work, but I thought they were funny. So please enjoy them.
Why do lesbians shop at Gander Moutain?
A: Because they don’t like Dick’s.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: A lick-a-lota-pus.
A gay couple and a lesbian couple are both going from San Francisco to New York who gets there first?
A: The gay guys, they had their shit packed the night before.
What do West Virginians like to do on Halloween?
A: Pump-kin
What do Cats and West Virginians have in common?
A: They both like to lick their PAWS.

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What is the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepherd?
Ans: The Stones said, “Hey, you! Get off of my cloud.” The Scottish Shepherd says, “Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe.”

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A Japanese tourist got separated from his group on tour in Amsterdam. He ends up in the red light district, and decides to have a go. He enters a sex shop, goes up to the guy behind the counter and asks, “One condom please.” He gets the answer they only sell condoms by six, nine or twelve. “But I only need one condom!” says the Japanese.
“Too bad, we only sell them by six, nine or twelve,” is the answer from the shop owner.
The tourist really wants to know why, so the shop owner explains: “The package of six is for the Italians: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Not on Sunday, as they have to go to church.”
“Oh,” says the Japanese, “So who is the package of nine for?”
“Easy, the French. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on Saturday and twice on Sunday.”
The Japanese tourist is having the wildest imagination on the 12-condoms package, so he asks, “Who’s that for?”
“Well,” says the shop owner, “The package of twelve is for the English. January, February, March…”

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Three guys were driving down an old country road during a thunderstorm when their car broke down. One of the guys said he thought he saw a hotel a little ways back, so they decided to walk to the hotel. When they got there they asked the owner if there was any spare rooms they could stay in because their car broke down and they had nowhere to stay.
The owner, being nice, said that because it was a big storm and it would last for three days that they could stay there. The problem was there were no spare rooms so the owner said one of them could sleep with his daughter and the other two could sleep in the lobby. They could rotate sleeping arrangements during the three days. But he said if any of them had sex with his daughter he would kill them.
So after the three days passed they were about to leave and the owner said, “Hold on a minute. If you had sex with my daughter your dick will fall off because I strapped a razor blade to her bajina. So pull down your pants!”
The first guy pulls down his pants and his dick falls off, so the owner shoots him. Same with the second guy. But when the third guy pulls down his pants nothing happens, so he opens up his mouth to laugh and his tongue falls off.

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There is a construction worker on a third story building, which is being built. He needs a hand saw but he can’t find one, so he looks around and sure enough he sees one on the first floor of the building. So he tries to get another worker’s attention on the first floor by yelling but that doesn’t work. So after throwing numerous objects at the guy on the first floor, he finally gets his attention and starts doing hand signals to tell him what he needs. First he points to his eye meaning, “I.” Then he points to his knee meaning, “need,” and then makes a hand saw motion meaning, “handsaw.” The guy on the first floor nods his head, then pulls down his pants and starts to jack off in front of the guy on the third floor. The guy on the third floor gets angry and runs down to the first floor and starts to yell and shout at the other guy because of his behavior. The guy on the first floor then explains his actions: “Sir, I was trying to tell you that I was cumming.”

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A boy and his dad go to the beach and there is a couple making out, so the boy asks his father what they are doing. His dad replies, “They’re making a cake.” The boy says, “Oh.” The next day they go to the zoo and there are two monkeys getting it on and a the boy asks his dad, “What are they doing?” His dad replies, “They’re baking a cake.” So they go home and the next day, the boy says to his dad, I know what you and mom were doing last night, you were baking a cake.” The father asks the boy, “How do you know?” The boy replies with a big grin, “Because I licked the frosting off the sheets this morning.”

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Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? A Prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!

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first date

Two flees go on holiday every year to Florida. They always meet up at the same bar, The red lion. One year the first flee, Tom, was sat in the bar, when the other flee, Tim, walked in. Tim was shivering and complaining of the cold. Tom asked what was wrong. Tim said that he’d just rode all the way there in the moustache of a biker. Tom said “next year do what I do, go to the airport bar, have a few drinks, climb up the leg of a nice air stewardess, then nestle and enjoy the trip.”
The next year Tom was sat in the same bar again when Tim walked in. “What’s wrong, didn’t you do what I said?” Tom said, noticing that Tim was shivering again.
“I did exactly what you said, I walked into the airport bar, had a few drinks, climbed up the leg of a nice air stewardess and nestled. I fell asleep and the next thing I knew I was riding up the motorway in the moustache of a biker”

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