A man was taking a shower and his daughter walked in and saw the man nude and asked him what that thing hanging between his legs was called. He said it was his goose.
She said, “That doesn’t look like a goose.”
He said, “Sure it does.”
Then she asked if she could pet his goose and he said, “okay.”
About an hour later she went down stairs for breakfast and her mother asked her what was wrong with daddy?
She said, “I was petting his goose and it spit at me so I broke its neck, smashed its eggs, and lit its nest on fire.

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A guy is trying to pick up a girl but nothing seems to be working. She finally tells him that she wants to go home. The guy then tells her that if she will go home with him, he has a frog that is trained to eat pussy. Intrigued by this prospect, she agrees to go home with the guy. When they are at his house, he tells her to get undressed and to lie on the bed while he gets his frog. He brings the frog into the bedroom and puts it between her legs but the frog doesn’t do anything.
Finally the guy grabs the frog and holds it up to his face and says to the frog, “Look! I’m only going to show you one last time.”

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Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, “Why don’t you just swim around like us?”
Bob replied, with a smirk, “well, when the time comes, I’m gonna be the first one there”.
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn’t. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, “back up boys it’s a BLOW JOB!”

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A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. “Hey,” he says, “if you’re going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?” “My life’s been nothing but crap,” says the girl. “So I might as well.” After the girl’s done, the guy says, “Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?” The girl replies, “My family disowned me for dressing like a woman.”

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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, “I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.” So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, “Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?” Adam says, “Yes.”
“Well,” says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust.”
“Hmmmmm..” says Adam, “Hold on.” So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

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One day, Jim, turned to his co-worker, Dick and asked, “Have I ever shown you my lawn?”
Dick answered, “I’ve been by your house lots of times. Sure, I’ve seen your yard.”
Jim said, “No not my yard, my lawn…that I built out in the country.”
Dick said, “I don’t think I ever saw that one. I’d like to, though.”
Jim said, I’ll pick you up Saturday at ten. Saturday morning, Jim picked up Dick and took him out into the country and parked next to a small opening in a wooded area. After a short distance, the path opened up into a big clearing and filling the clearing, was a beautifully manicured lawn. “Wow!” said Dick, “this is gorgeous! You have obviously been doing a lot of work out here!”
Jim said, “yeah. This place is sentimental for me. I spend all my free time out here.”
Dick said, “Well, the place shows it…except I see a spot that you missed cutting over there. It’s about an inch longer than the rest.”
Jim said, “I told you this place was sentimental. That exact spot is where I got my first piece of tail.”
Dick answered, “Okay. I understand…but, you know, I see another spot that you must have missed about 6 feet away from that other spot.”
“Well,” Jim said, “that’s a sentimental spot, too. That’s where her mother was standing when she noticed us.”
“Holy shit, Jim” Dick said, “What did she say?”
Jim answered, “Ba’aaaaaaa!”

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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds ” My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires “Is that true?”
The husband replies “Well not exactly, it’s her that suffers not me.”

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,”he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.” She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “and if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive.”

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A senior citizen’s group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came up to the driver and said “I’ve been molested!”
The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to go sit back down. Ten minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed SHE’D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of wackos – who’d molest them?
Ten minutes later, a third came up and said she’d been molested too. The driver decided he’d had enough, and pulled into the rest stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees in the aisle.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?”
“I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I grabbed it, it ran away…”

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Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, “You know, Jane, these remind me of John’s balls.”
Jane, impressed says, “Hmm, that big, huh?”
“No”, Sue answers. “That dirty.”

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One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear “Do you have a dentist appointment, too?”

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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! my hands are really freezing!”
She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

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God was talking to Adam in the garden and he asked him how he was doing in terms of having enough to eat. Adam replied that he was well fed and taken care of and had plenty of good food to eat. Then God asked him how he was doing with Eve and whether he was having enough sex with her. Adam replied that he and Eve were getting along very well and were having sex all of the time. “In fact,” he said, “we just had sex a little while ago and Eve is down and the stream cleaning herself.”
God shook his head in anger and exclaimed, “Oh, no! Now everything in the water will smell like fish.”

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Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. “I’ve got it, follow me.” said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. “We’ll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.”
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, “That will be three dollars.”
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
“You faggots!” screams the bartender. “Get the hell out of here!”
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, “Man this isn’t working out so well, My knees are killing me!”
“You think you’ve had it bad,” the first man exclaims. “I lost the hotdog four bars ago!”

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Little Johnny’s mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from hospital where she had all her pubic hair removed. Johnny come into the bathroom as she’s drying off, and asks her what happened to the hair.
“I’ve lost my sponge,” she says, and sends Johnny out to play.
A few moments later, Johnny reappears and tells his mother he thinks he’s found her sponge.
“Oh really,” his mum asks. “Where is it?”
Johnny answers, “The lady next door is washing daddy’s face with it.”

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A woman arrived at the Pearly Gates and was greeted by St. Peter. As they discussed her arrival in heaven, she heard loud women’s screams coming from a region nearby. “What is that noise?” she asked St. Peter.
“Oh, that’s just some of our newer angels getting their holes drilled. They need holes drilled in their heads for their halos and one hole in each shoulder for their wings.
“Why that must be terribly painful,” she said, “maybe I should reconsider staying in Heaven and go straight to Hell instead.”
“Oh, No! you wouldn’t want to go to Hell,” St. Peter exclaimed. “In Hell you will be repeatedly raped and sodomized for all eternity.”
“Why that might not be so bad,” the woman replied, “at least I have holes for that.”

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A couple went to a sex therapist to try and improve their their sexual body language. They got some good advice about using hand signals to tell each other what was desired in bed. When they got home the husband said, “Okay, when we get into bed and I want sex, I will rub your left breast with my hands. When I don’t want sex, I will rub your right breast.”
“Well okay, but what about me?” says the wife.
The husband replies, “When you want sex, you can rub my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, just rub my penis about a hundred times.”

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A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”
She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.”

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Three former older hookers got together and were talking about the good ol’ days. The first one said, “Back when I was hooking, I only got $20.00 for a blow job.”
The second one then said, “Well, that ain’t so bad. When I was hooking, I only got $10.00 for a blow job!”
The third one had been listening and decided to speak up. She said to the others, “I was hooking during the Great Depression and in those times I was happy to give a blow job just to put something warm into my stomach.”

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Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?… Not really? Well, you are going to find out whether you like it or not. Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn.
The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house. Well, as the story goes, the farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, “Who was that man going into the barn?”
“That’s some fellow traveling through,” said the farmer. “He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.”
The daughter then asked, “Did you offer the man anything to eat?”
“Gee, no, I didn’t,” the farmer answered.
The daughter said, “Well, I’m going to take him some food.” She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.
A little later, the farmer’s wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early.
“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food.”
“Oh,” replied the wife. “Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?”
“Umm, no, I didn’t,” said the farmer.
The wife then said, “I’m going to take something out there for him to drink.” The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she come back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. “Where’s the man from the barn?” she eagerly asked her father.
Her father answered, “He left several minutes ago.”
“What?” she cried. “He left without saying good-bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me.”
“What?” shouted the father. The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!”
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, “ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!”
And that’s how Yodeling began!

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”

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A business mans company tell him that he will have to take a long business trip to japan to clinch an important deal. Unfortunately his wife is known for cheating on him when he goes away. He loves her still but everytime she does it it breaks his heart and this trip will be the longest he has been on. He also knows that she tries hard not to cheat and has done less and less. Having given up smoking he knows how hard it is to shake an addiction so he decides to go to a sex shop to get her something to keep her amused.
On his way home he goes to a little sex shop. He looks around for a bit but doesnt really find anything satisfactory. Just as he is about to leave the owner calls him over.
“Your looking for something special?”
“Yes, i need something to keep my wife busy while im away so she wont cheat”
The owner looks at him hard then reaches under the counter and pulls out a small wooden box with mystical carvings and pictures on it. He slides off the lid and inside sits a carved wooden dildo.
“Whats so special about that?” asks the man
“Watch… Voodoo dildo door”
To the mans suprise the dildo rises from the box and starts fucking the keyhole of the door.
“Voodoo dildo box”
The dildo stops and drops back into its box.
“Thats amazing i’ll take it”
After paying for it he walks home with a smile on his face. The next morning after packing he gives his wife her present. At first she is dubious but after showing her the door trick she seems quite pleased, so he leaves on his trip.
After a week she feels then need for a shag but as she wants to stop cheating she instead gets out the dildo.
“Voodoo dildo my pussy”
The dildo rises obediently from the box and starts to shag her brains out.
A hour and ten orgasms later she feels better. Through all the sexual exstasy however she forgets the turn off command. And as she is well into orgasm numer eleven she cant think straight. she trys to pull it out to stop it but it doesnt work, so she deciedes that she will have to go to hospital to have it removed.
In the car on the way there she has another orgasm that makes her swerve dangerously. A police officer see’s this and pulls her over. He walks up to the window which she rolls down.
“Have you been drinking?”
“No” The now destrought woman replys
“A voodoo dildo is shagging me and i cant get it to stop im on my way to hospital to have it removed”
“Voodoo dildo” the officer laughs “My arse”

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A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. “I`d like some raisin bread, please,” the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. “Is yours raisin too?” the clerk yells testily.
“No,” croaks the feeble old man…. “But it’s startin’ to twitch.”

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A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
“Sure!” she says, “He’s at home taking care of the kids…”

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The Lone Ranger was captured by a bunch of outlaws and they tied him up and were just about ready to hang him from a tree, when he was able to persuade the outlaws to grant him one last request. The outlaws agreed and the Lone Ranger whispered something into his horse, Silver’s ear, and the horse took off across the prairie.
In an hour Silver was back with an attractive and buxom blonde. The Lone Ranger looked at the blonde and then asked his captors if he could have another last request. The captors hesitantly agreed. The Lone Ranger then whispered something again into Silver’s ear and Silver took off and came back in another hour, this time with a lanky and attractive red-head.
The Lone Ranger again looked perplexed and asked his captors for one final request, telling them that this would be his final plea. The outlaws agreed. The Lone Ranger brought Silver over next to him and angrily shouted into his ear, “Listen carefully this time! I said, bring a posse!”

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One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
He asked how.
She said “I saw a man’s private part.” He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
He asked how.
“I touched a man’s private parts.” He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, “I’m not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it.”

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A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams…and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he’s finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: “So what did you want to know about sex for?”
“Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”

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What is a man’s view of safe sex?
Ans: A padded headboard.

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George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged, that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Oprah said, “George, if I’m not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand.”
Oprah agrees.
George sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, “Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand.”
Oprah says, “Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” George replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a shvartza *black person in Yiddish*, she stole my wallet.”

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One day a guy was standing on the first tee of his local golf course, when another man walked up and said, “The pro said I could join you, if you don’t mind.”
The guy said, “Sure, just put your clubs on the cart”. So he placed his clubs on the back of the cart and put a briefcase on the seat. Noticing the briefcase, the guy said, “What you got in the briefcase, extra balls?”
The man said, “I’m on my way to my next job. I carry my tools in my briefcase.”
The guy said, “Okay. What kind of work do you do?”
“I’m a hit man for the mob,” answered the man.
The guy said, “You’re kidding.”
“No,” said the hit man, “Here, I’ll show you.” He proceeds to open his briefcase and inside is a fold-down rifle with a huge scope.
The guy said, “Wow. I’m impressed.”
The hitman said, “I buy the best equipment I can get.”
The guy said, “I’ll bet with that scope, you could see my house way over that way.”
The hit man picked up the scope and looked in the direction shown and said, “Brick house…your red Toyota is in the driveway.”
The guy said, “That’s my wife’s car. Yep. That’s my house, all right.
The hit man said, “Then your name must be Bob.”
The guy answered, “How do you figure that?”
The hit man said, “There’s a Ford pick-up by the Toyota that has BOB on the license plate.”
The guy answered, “That’s my buddy Bob. What’s he doing there?”
The hit man said, “I can tell you exactly what he’s doing there. I can see them both taking of their clothes, right now.” BR> The guy said, “Kill them both”.
The hit man answered, “Listen fella. I do this for a living, not for fun. Every time I pull that trigger, it’s $5,000.”
The guy said, “Do it anyway.”
So the hit man snapped his rifle together, put it up to his shoulder, started to sight it in and asked, “Where do you want me to shoot them?”
The guy said, “Shoot her right in the head. And shoot him right in the nuts”.
The hit man focused for a second and said, “This must be your lucky day. I’m about to save you $5,000.”

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