Once in a faraway kingdom lived a widow and her daughter, like all widows in these stories she was very poor. So her daughter had to leave home at the age of sixte… erm I mean eighteen to make her fortune (relax, it’s just a joke).

She said to her mother, “I’m going to make my fortune and will return to bring us out of poverty. I don’t know how a lithe, beautiful, young woman willing to do anything for money will ever find employment but I shall travel off in to the world.”

Her mother worried and said to herself, “oh my poor Jacqueline,” for that was the daughter’s name, “I worry that she is so naïve, someone is bound to take advantage of her.”

Jacqueline left at sun up with only a small cake and a bit of roast duck. She walked through the early morning till the sun was getting overhead when she came across a swamp where an ass was slowly sinking into the muck and mire.

“Help!” The ass screeched at Jacq (her nickname, all these stories have a hero named Jack, or something like it) “Help me please!”

“Coming,” Jacq said, “good ass, and when I come I promise I’ll help you out”

After Jacq came over to the ass, she pushed rocks into the sludge and the ass eventually got a decent foothold and could escape from the swamp.

“Thank you,” said the ass, “I’m forever grateful.”

“You’re welcome. My name is Jacq.”

“Where are you off to Jacq?”

“I’m off to make my fortune in the wide world. You can come along with me if you like.” Jacq replied.

“I’d really like that, you saved my life. As far as I am concerned I’m your ass.” The ass said.

“Well I’ve always heard that everyone has at least one friend who is really an ass.”

Jacq stepped back to take a long look at her ass, and she saw that it was very dirty.

“We need to get you cleaned up.” They exited the swamp and went to a clear pool where Jacq washed her ass. As her ass got clean she saw it was actually a very pretty ass. She thought maybe could’ve been a little bit smaller but overall she thought it looked pretty good. She splashed and frolicked about; playing with her ass till it was nearly lunchtime. Realizing the day was getting away from her she got out of the pool and continued on her journey with her ass right behind her.

They went through a village and Jacq saw a crowd of boys chasing after a dog throwing sticks and rocks at it.

“Stop it!” Jacq hollered. “Leave it alone.”

The dog hid behind Jacqueline’s ass and the boys didn’t dare mess with such an ass as that. Jacq kept yelling until the miscreant boys buggered off.

“There now, poor thing. You’re safe now.”

“Thank you kindly miss, I’m in your debt.”

“You are welcome to join us we are off to seek our fortunes. We like the company and I can see you already like my ass. I’m Jacqueline.”

“A pleasure to meet you and your lovely ass Jacqueline, I am at your service.”

“Just call me Jacq.”

They left the village before the wicked boys could return and stopped on the road to eat a late lunch. Jacq ate a piece of cake and fed some of the duck to the dog; the ass found some soft thistles to eat.

They heard a rustling in bushes and out of it slunk a cat that looked tired and hungry. It gave a heartbreaking cry at the smell of the duck.

“Why Puss you look starved come have a bit of this duck, we don’t mind sharing.”

“I am much obliged miss. I don’t know how much longer I could’ve gone without food.” The cat stripped the meat from the bone and the marrow as well; then started to look healthier. “I am forever in your debt miss. Where, may I ask are you off to?”

“We are off to seek our fortunes and you are welcome to join us, if you’d like to.”

“I would be glad to; my last mistress kicked me out of the house for eating too much lamb from her table. You seem kind enough though, I’d be honored to be your cat.”

“You can eat what you like, we won’t starve,” said Jacq.

“So,” the dog spoke, “you’re a pussy that likes being stuffed with meat.”

The cat nodded.

Jacq said, “I’ll do whatever I can to keep my pretty pussy filled with as much as she could want. When there is no food about I’ll play with my pussy so it won’t feel neglected.”

The dog chuckled but didn’t explain to the others when they gave him a confused look.

The party set off with Jacq’s pussy out in front, followed by Jacq and her ass right behind. The dog looked at them a moment shook his head, shrugged, and set off to lope alongside Jacqueline.

Evening was beginning and the travelers were walking along the forest trail. They heard a noise in the underbrush and a fox jumped up trying to run with a large black rooster in its mouth. The sneaky thief had stolen it from some from some farm yard.

The party saw him though, the ass brayed, the dog and cat chased at the fox adding their own howls. The fox was so startled by this reception it dropped its prize and dove back into the bushes.

The dog sniffed at the bird and told Jacq that he thought it was still alive. The cat licked the wounded creature and Jacq petted its head.

Soon the bird opened its eyes and sat up. The party cheered and introduced themselves to the rooster.

“I am the great big black cock and am very happy you saved me from certain death. Where are you going to and may I join you?”

Jacq assured him, “You never know when you’ll need a big cock.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” the dog said to no one in particular.

The cock rose but was still too weak from being nearly swallowed to walk.

“Here dear cock ride up on my ass you’ll be very comfortable and my ass won’t mind.”

The ass nodded. The dog rolled its eyes. Jacq picked up the big black cock put it on top of her ass and let it ride happily. Unfortunately it was almost nightfall with no town nearby, they travelled on until it became too dark and lay down beside the road. The cat seeing perfectly well in the dark scampered up a tree to look around.

“Hark friends,” the cat exclaimed. “There is a house further into the woods with candles glowing in it. Let us seek our lodging there.”

Jacq and the others rose and followed the cat up to the house’s window where they heard raucous singing and cursing.

They overheard parts of the discussion and at first Jacq thought they must be animal lovers because they kept talking about their prize cocks and finding a good ass or some pussy. Then, however, they exposed themselves… as thieves that had stolen the gold of the lord of the region.

Jacq knew they weren’t good men at all. She put her finger to her lips to signal for her companion’s silence.

They peeked through the window to see inside and saw several robbers at the table eating pheasant and roast pork and drinking whiskey punch, and wine straight from the bottle all while surrounded by stolen gold, cutlasses and blunderbusses.

“We wouldn’t have gotten half of this lot if it weren’t for the tip off from the lord’s chamberlain. Even after he got his share of the gold we still got more than we did when we robbed those merchants last year. Here’s to the lord’s chamberlain!”

“To the chamberlain!” the other thieves chorused swigging back from their bottles.

Jacq whispered to her friends “we can’t let those villains get away, wait for my signal.”

The ass got his hooves on the window sill. The dog climbed upon the ass’s back, the cat upon the dog’s head and the cock upon the cat’s head.

Jacq shouted out into the night, “We’ve got them now men blow them to smithereens in the name of justice.”

At that the ass gave a huge bray, the dog howled, the cat yowled and the cock crowed at the top of their lungs and at the height of the cacophony; the ass and Jacq broke all the window panes.

The thieves hearing the roar thinking they were about to be mowed down by the lawmen’s bullets fled for their lives, running out the back door after overturning the treasure table.

Jacq and her friends entered the now deserted house and shuttered the windows relit the candles and settled down to feast on the food the robbers had left. They soon had their fill, blew out the candles, and settled in again to rest. The cock flew up to the rafters over the door. The ass went to the yard in the back of the house. The dog lay down on the mat, and the cat nestled on the hearth near the warm ashes of the dying fire. Jacq slept in the bed with a blunderbuss by her side just in case.

The thieves meanwhile had escaped to the deep forest before they caught their breath. They saw that each had escaped unscathed but none had been able to think of taking a sword or gun with them, nor any of their ill gotten treasure, nor even any food.

“I didn’t even get a chance to drink my whiskey,” said one.

“I didn’t taste the pork,” said another.

“Most importantly we didn’t get the gold, or the weapons we’d need to steal more of it,” the leader stated.

They complained like this for a while then tried to sleep on the cold ground. The captain of the thieves couldn’t rest though. “Hell’s teeth! I can’t sleep after losing so much loot. I’m going to go back at least to get our gold and weapons. I’ll come back here when I do.”

The rest of the evil band gave a word of encouragement. The captain set off back to the cabin. There were no lawmen outside or patrols that needed slipping by. The cabin was dark and quiet. He was able to sneak inside and fumble around for a matchbox by the fireplace.

The cat awoke at the sound and the robber mistook the glowing eyes for glowing coals and struck the match at the cat’s face. The cat yowled, spat, and clawed the match out of the villain’s hand. Then it followed this up by laying more blows on the man’s face.

The bandit lurched away and ran, but tripped over the dog on the mat. The dog jarred out of slumber sank its teeth in the intruder’s thigh.

Now in full panic he ran for the door but the commotion had woke the cock who flew down and flapped, pecked, and tore with its talons at the robber’s face and neck, while crowing with the full force of its lungs.
Stumbling outside blind and scared the thief ran straight into the ass. Startled the ass gave a kick that sent the man over the fence into a patch of stinging nettles.

He could barely move but used all his strength to get away from the cabin as fast as possible. It took more than an hour to return him to his comrades. He slumped against the nearest tree; bleeding, bruised, and exhausted.

“I am never going near that place again. If any of you had any sense you wouldn’t either. Consider the gold and our possessions lost if you know what’s best for you.”

All his partners tried to get him to tell them what had happened.

“I got back into the place alright, but when I tried to light a match into the fireplace a witch leapt out of the ashes and screamed at me and scratched me with her finger nails. Then, when I escaped from her a madman with a pair of knives stabbed my leg. Then a devil with black wings tore more flesh from my face and hands and shouted ‘don’t let him get away.’ I bolted out the door though and ran right into a huge hairy giant the struck me with his club and sent me flying into the brush. You fellows can go back into that Satan’s den if you are fools but I’ll never step a foot in that direction.”

The other thieves all thought better of attempting to collect the booty from the cabin and tried to settle to sleep in the unforgiving and uncomfortable forest.

Jacq and her companions woke late the next morning and finished off the robber’s food from the previous night. Once their fast was broken they packed up the stolen gold and set out on a journey to return it to the lord.

As the party came up to the lord’s manor many children gathered around to see what the pretty lady with the animals would do. These were the children of the shopkeepers and the servants and even the youngest daughter of the lord himself, Winifred. She was quiet and shy and wouldn’t even come to the front to get a closer look at the animals or Jacq though she was just as fascinated as all the rest.

They arrived at the Lord’s palace well after lunch and stated they had business with the Lord and desired an audience. The chamberlain, used to getting rid of travelers who attempted to gain admittance, went to send this girl and her menagerie on their way.

The chamberlain was, of course, the one who was in league with the thieves that took the lord’s gold. As he introduced himself to Jacq and her companions, the cock stated, “We won’t talk to you. We demand to talk to the lord himself.”

“Well, the lord won’t see you. He is a very busy man and can’t talk to every silly girl with a few animals that comes to the gate.”

The cock crowed back, “I find it hard to believe that the lord would trust a villain like you with his business. You were in league with the thieves that stole from him. We won’t discuss our business with anyone as criminal as that. If you won’t bring us to the lord then send us someone who isn’t a traitor to talk to like a sheriff, for instance.”

This was the wrong thing to say. The chamberlain, who was also leader of the guards, ordered Jacq and her party arrested. Though they tried to fight off the men, they were outnumbered and outmatched. The ass knocked down two with a pair off vicious kicks but the stablemen soon had him tied up and gagged. The dog tried to bite the leg of a guard but bit into his armour instead. The cat’s and the cock’s scratches were similarly useless; and Jacq herself was struck to the ground.

The children scattered as soon as the guards were called and Winifred hearing a bit of what the cock said snuck away to try to find her eldest sister, Meredith; so that they could convince their father to release the woman and her animals.

The ass was taken to the stables by the stablemen. The cat, dog, and cock were each put in a sack after they were also gagged. Jacq was gagged and led to the dungeon where she was hogtied on the ground, while the sacks with the cat, dog, and cock were hung on a hook on the wall.

The evil chamberlain followed the guards to the dungeon. He pulled the gag out of Jacq’s mouth so he could gloat to her. “I have plans for you, stupid girl. I will make you suffer for trying to cross me. First I’m going to kill the ass and feed its meat to my hounds. I’m going to drown that ugly cat and that mangy dog in the moat. Then I’ll cook your rooster up and eat it for my supper. When I’m full, I’ll come down here and stuff something in your mouth before I take care of your pussy and ass.”

“But you said you were going to kill them already you monster. You are evil enough; it doesn’t shock me that you’d want to eat my cock.”

“What!? How dare you? You slut!” he pushed the gag back into her mouth and stormed out of the cell.
Winifred found Meredith sitting in court nearby her father. Winifred was still too young to sit in court but Meredith was eighteen now and had to stay there listening to all the boring talking and couldn’t play in the gardens nearly as much as she used to.

In court that day the sheriff was reporting that there was still no trace of the robbers that had stolen the lord’s gold, the treasure also included Meredith’s intended dowry. The sheriff had to leave after the court ended today and search the county even more with all his men and wouldn’t be back for weeks. The mood was solemn, as the only protection for the Lord would be the mercenary guards that answered to the chamberlain. Winifred moved as quickly as possible without being noticed.

Meredith felt a tugging at her shoulder and turned to see Winifred looking anxious.

“What is it Winnie?”

“I know where Daddy’s gold is.”

“What? How could you know that?”

“A lady came with animal and said they wanted to talk to Daddy. She had a furry pussy, a big ass, a talking cock, and a dog.”

“Winnie!” Meredith hissed in a whisper. “Don’t talk like that! Certainly don’t let Father hear you talk like that.”

“What did I do? I just told you what I saw. The animals said the chamberlain was a traitor and then he had them all thrown in the dungeon. Well except the ass, he is locked in the stables. Please help.”

Meredith was very concerned at this. She nodded to her sister and stood and whispered in her father’s ear that she needed to be excused to help Winifred with something she’d return shortly. Both daughters curtsied to the court and quickly exited.

As they were leaving they nearly collided with the chamberlain who was exiting the dungeons at the time.

“Ah Lady Meredith, and Lady Winifred, are you leaving court so soon or is the court business finished for the day?” he simpered.

“Chamberlain, I shall return soon I need to help Winifred with something in the library. Court isn’t finished yet, though it should be less than a half hour before it does.”

“Fine, fine… oh do try to stay away from the stables tonight. There was an ill tempered ass that came today. I will have him disposed of as soon as the day’s court business is through. It kicked and injured two of my guards.”

“You mean two of my father’s guards don’t you, Chamberlain?”

“Oh, oh yes, of course Lady Meredith. They are as much at your Father’s command as I am.”

“Well excuse us, Chamberlain I must go to assist my sister.”

The chamberlain bowed then turned and entered the court.

The sisters ran out into the courtyard they had very little time and now neither of them trusted the chamberlain or even the guards. They rushed to the stables and found the large ass there.

It looked frightening. It had kicked two guards (and a robber the previous night); it had been wrestled to the ground by stablemen, so was dusty and had a black eye (more of a brown eye) and was gagged.

The ladies were afraid to get too close to it. They may have had their doubts; they were still used to trusting the chamberlain, especially compared to a beast that was possibly dangerous.

“Ass, can you understand us?” Lady Meredith ventured.

The ass nodded his head.

“Will you hurt us?” Winnie asked?

The ass shook his head. The younger sister started forward but Meredith was more cautious and grabbed her shoulder, just in case.

“Do you know where my father’s gold is?”

The ass nodded and shook its rump so that the packs on him banged against the stable wall. The sound of coins was plainly heard.

“You have his gold there?”

The ass nodded even more vigorously.

“We’ll get that gag off of you.”

Winifred and Meredith removed the gag. “Thank you, can you undo my shackles? The key is on the table. We need to save my friends.”

“We need to get back to court.” Meredith corrected,

“The day is almost at an end and the sheriff is leaving with the loyal men and the only protection we have will be the traitorous guards with the chamberlain as their ringleader.”

They got the ass’s legs free and he raced out of the pen. Meredith turned to her sister, “Things are going to get dangerous. If anything happens you need to be safe go to your room and lock the door. Ass, we need to be as fast as possible, can I ride you?”

“I’m sure under these circumstances Jacqueline won’t mind you riding her ass.”

“Don’t say that in front of my sister.”

“What?!” Winnie and the ass responded together.

“Never mind,” Meredith said leaping onto the ass’s back. “Let’s go.”

The ass took off like an arrow from a bow. They raced back through the wide doors and into the corridor. The corrupt guards tried to sound an alarm and a few tried to stand in the way but the ass spun round landing kick after kick with the lady Meredith barely staying on.

The disturbance caused the chamberlain to throw open the doors, he was thinking to end the commotion with a sharp reprimand but instead took a hoof to the chest which sent him down the corridor.

The ass leapt into the court before a bewildered, dumb-struck crowd and Meredith dismounted. “Father your gold is returned; the chamberlain is a traitor and engineered the whole thing. This ass and his companions tried to return it and expose his villainy. The chamberlain had them shackled and gagged and I fear tonight would be their death or worse.”

The Lord, who was quite old and doddery, said, “An ass exposing eh? Hmm… Sheriff, you must arrest the chamberlain.”

The Sheriff ordered some men there to protect the Lord and lady Meredith from any nefarious guards. Then he set out to search the castle.

Meanwhile, Winifred, after being left in the dust of the ass and her sister, had no intention of going quietly to her room to hide. Not when all this was going on. What about the dungeons? It might be hours till someone tries to free the lady and her pussy, cock, and dog. Winnie thought “I’ll go there and get them out.”

Winnie was a little sneak when she wanted to be. She may have been shy and liked not to be the center of attention but that meant she was stealthy. She slunk down to the dungeons. At this time, the ruckus outside the court called all the guards away from the area. So she easily found the keys on the hook and found Jacq’s cell.

Working quickly and quietly Winifred got Jacq unbound and ungagged, and started untying the sack with the other animals.

“Thank you so much,” Jacq said.

“You’re welcome, thank you for returning my father’s gold. Help me untie your friends when blood returns to your hands I think we need to be quick. My sister is riding your ass to tell my father about the chamberlain.”
Jacq started untying the cat at the same time the cock sprung proudly up free. Winnie then began on the dog’s sack.

Elsewhere the chamberlain was not knocked down for long. His henchmen were helping him up before he finished sliding over the tiles from the beast’s vicious kick.

“What should we do sir?” one asked.

“I’m going to get the young woman in the dungeon. If I have to leave here I’m taking some pussy with me. Then I need to go to get my share of the stolen gold.”

“So we’re taking the woman, her cat, and the gold. Yes sir.”

“Not the cat, just the woman. Are you an idiot?”

“Umm, maybe sir.”

“Let’s go we don’t have much time till the damn sheriff is after us.

In the dungeon, Winifred got the knot undone and the last sack open when a cold voice said, “Well, well, well, what do we have here?”

“That’s Lady Winifred sir,” said the chamberlain’s dim-witted lackey.

“I know that, fool,” the chamberlain snarled. “A change of plans we take the lady Winifred for ransom as well as that bitch for my entertainment.”

“I actually think it’s a male dog sir.”

“The woman, idiot; we’re taking both humans, none of the animals.”

The dog free from the bag used its forepaws to pull the gag from its mouth. Jacq, Winnie, the cat and cock were backing into the corner of the cell, but the dog stepped forward. A growl started in the back of its throat. “You won’t go near these ladies. They’ve both saved my life and I’ll end yours if you take a step towards them.”

The chamberlain was nonplussed he calmly pulled a dagger from his belt and stepped toward the mongrel.

It wasn’t a very wise move… especially as he’d been kicked by the ass already that day and his reactions weren’t up to the dog’s caliber. The dog feinted inside then leapt outside sinking its jaws into the wrist. The knife skittered across the floor where Jacq picked it up.

The chamberlain wailed but the dog wouldn’t let go. The lackey kicked the dog in the ribs sending it flying into the wall where it fell in a heap. The chamberlain at that point heard the sheriff’s men in the corridors and was no longer in the mood for anything but escape.
The ex-chamberlain, or now-titled outlaw, ran with his cadre of ex-guard brigands out into the evening and into the forest, never to be seen again… Well most of the ex-guards were complete morons and were rounded up within the week, but the now friendless ex-chamberlain disappeared forever, he didn’t even get his share of the stolen gold.

The Sheriff came into the cell and assessed the situation there was a talking cock giving the account to his second in command. Lady Winifred, who obviously snuck down here to help but actually needlessly put herself in danger, was leaning over a badly injured dog. There was a cat in another corner circling the ankles of a young woman obviously the one Lady Meredith mentioned. He stepped towards her to find out what happened; when their eyes met the world fell away.

For Jacq after the chamberlain and his group left she stood in shock, she heard the sheriff’s men come in and saw the big black cock stand proud and start telling them what happened. She saw the girl, the Lord’s daughter, caring for the hero dog, but Jacq couldn’t move. Shock, it must be shock; she thought to herself. A man was walking toward her. She looked up, and then she fainted.

The sheriff caught her and laid her down with her head in his lap. When she came around she looked up at his face and into his eyes and fell in love. She didn’t know that that was the treasure she would gain when she first set out to make her fortune but she knew she’d trade any fortune for him.

The sheriff was feeling the same way. With all that was going on, all that he needed to do, he wanted nothing but to sit in this dungeon staring into Jacq’s eyes.
“Sheriff!” his reverie was broken and duty was calling. His second in command was calling him, “Sheriff! We need to get Lady Winifred back to her family.”

“Uh oh yes of course. Oh, I can’t think straight. Have our men secure the house. We’ll bring Lady Winifred, Miss Jacqueline, and her animal friends to the lord.”
The sheriff escorted Jacq, arm in arm, to the court. The dog was carried by the second in command with Winnie right beside. The cat and the cock followed right behind.

The lord received all of them thankfully and graciously, Winifred received an enormous scolding but was more concerned with the dog than anything else and could barely eat for days until the dog made its recovery.

They all lived happily ever after as you’ve probably guessed. Jacq and the sheriff wed and the sheriff was made the new chamberlain.

Jacq’s ass and pussy are still with her. The dog spent its last years as Winnie’s companion and sired a line of hounds which are prized for their intelligence, loyalty and heroism.

Jacq and both Lady Winifred and Lady Meredith became great friends. Winnie is all grown up now and whenever they visit she always strokes Jacq’s pussy and Meredith gives Jacq’s ass a good rub-down remembering the ass ride she had that day.

Jacq’s mother came and lived near the manor and became great friends with the lord.

The big black cock was put in charge of the Lord’s hen house where he was very popular.

The End

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