Naked Quidditch Match – Second Verse, Much Like the First
To: Fred & George Weasley
From: Lee Jordan
Re: Harry’s Response

He called our bluff. NOW what do we do?

To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred & George Weasley
Re: The Bluff
Ah, our fine panicking friend. When the bluffee bluffs the bluffer, then raise the bluff.

One word to solve our dilemma: Draco.

The question is: HOW?!

– Gred and Forge

To: Ron Weasley
From: Bill Weasley
Re: Golden Snitches
Hey little brother,

You might want to give Harry a head’s up. The word about the NQM next Thursday has gotten out to the media.

And, apparently the betting for the Golden Snitches have gotten really ridiculous. There isn’t a wizarding pool to TOP the highest winning prize for this one!

Err. So, how about giving your family a tip in what to bet? Think of it as investing in the betterment of Weasley Lifestyles everywhere.

– Bill.

To: Bill Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Golden Snitches
Harry, great prat he is, went public with the size and weight of the Snitches. Ginny’s gone catatonic as a result, and let me tell you, the smile on her face is frightening. We’re still trying to pry the measuring tape from her hands.

Anyway, if you must know: 6.23 x 2.75.

Ron.

To: Harry Potter
From: Bill Weasley
Re: Measurements
How could you, Harry?

– Bill

To: Bill Weasley; Ron Weasley; Charlie Weasley Ungodly Duo
From: Harry Potter
Re: I defeated Voldemort Once
Some spport, if you don’t boody mind, would be verry appreciated. Because of the idiot-duo-from-Hell, I have to go streaking how there all exposed, adn YOU are a worried about making money off my humiliation?

Yuir all to kind. I’ve already got a week’s worth of detention from McGonagall. And I won’t even MENTION the lecture I got.

By the way, Ron. I went and saw Ginny. She’s fine now.

Harry.

To: Harry Potter
From: Charlie Weasley
Re: Your Email
Mate, I really do understand where you’re coming from. Fred and George really have stuck their foot in it this time.

Listen, talk to Hermione about this situation. No, not about the starkers part, but how to get around the humiliation of it all. You can’t go out there with robes (or clothes) on. I get that. But, surely there’s a way around the utter exposure… I’m thinking there must be a charm of obscurity you could use.

Get my drift?

Oh, and Harry? You’re letting all of this stress you too much. Your command of the English language is slipping away.

– Charlie

P.S. Remember, it can’t be worse than dodging a clutching dragon!

To: Charlie Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Your Email
I love you man.
Really!

HP

To: Hermione Granger
From: Harry Potter
Re: Fw: Your Email

Herm…

You’re kidding? Anti-charm wards? Tell me it’s a joke. Please. You’re my best friend, surely YOU can think of a way around this?

– Harry

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Your Plan

Ginny,

I’m glad you’re feeling better. I was really worried about you. However, having said that, I’m a little concerned about that idea you had.

I read the note you gave me in the Great Hall and compiled a list of possibilities to go wrong in Arithmancy. The consequences, you understand, are dire. If this doesn’t work, Ron will hate me and Harry will never forgive me!

Oh, and btw, you should warn your brothers that McGonagall is now setting up anti-magic charms to ward off any potions, lotions or enhancement charms the teams can come up with. She’s deliberately targeting it on people, not brooms.

See, that’s the trick. I told Harry the concealment or obscurity spell he wanted was impossible, but it’s NOT! He could charm the broomstick to do it for the specific rider!

Anyway, I’m panicking over here. Are you SURE you have a scapegoat out for those blasted pictures?

– Hermione

To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: My Ingenious Weasley Plan

Modesty runs in our family. Look, Herm, if you’re asking me if I can outwit my brothers, then the answer is Bloody Hell YES!

I’ve observed every trick in the book for five brothers, enough so that I can out-think them all. This is a cakewalk! No challenge whatsoever. Ronnie will be crying on your shoulder before you know it and you can do whatever it is you want to him. (I still think a potion is your best solution, but if Ron does it for you, then there’s no accounting for taste.)

After all, I had plenty time to come up with this plan. No worries, there.

Thanks for alerting McGonagall. No one will ever find out you snitched from me. You did tell McGonagall you didn’t want to be publicly acknowledged for performing your civic duty, didn’t you?

– Ginny

P.S. D’ya think the Slytherin team is taking this Quidditch match with as much paranoia?

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: McGonagall

Oh no! I forgot!

-hg

To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Charlie Weasley
Re: This !#$ Quidditch Match
Bugger you two! There isn’t a single bloody way out of this mess that you’ve caused. I may never forgive you for this, dammit! I already have your sister and most of the female residents of this damn Tower in a “HP Fan Club”. I’m not daft. This is just the kind of foolishness that will get me listed in Witch Weekly AGAIN!

Do you have NO sense of shame? I had a glimmer of hope, a shining moment of sanity courtesy of Charlie. However, Hermione just broke the rotten news to me- there are no charms or enchantments at all will work, as Dumbledore and McGonagall are setting up an anti-charm field. And I checked with Madam Hooch. I can’t even ‘dress’ up my broom to protect my modesty.

You’ve gone too far, dammit!

– Harry

To: Oliver Wood
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Star Seekers

As an experienced Captain of our Illustrious Gryffindor House Team, could you bless us, your successors, with a pearl or two of wisdom?

Just how bad is it to irritate the star Gryffindor Seeker who has defeated Voldemort twice?

Hugs and Kisses,

– Gred and Forge

X0X0X

(We luv you man!)

To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Star Seekers

Up until Harry joined the team, the last win for the Gryffindor House was with your own brother Charlie.

Harry broke a significant and brutal dry spell, bless him. More importantly, he’s never lost us a game… well, unless he was in the hospital wing at the time. Or passed out from a Dementor.

Bottom line, YOU DON’T PISS OFF THE SEEKER!

Now. There’s no hope for it. I’ve heard from Harry, as you well know, and he’s not taking this Naked Quidditch Match at all well. And truthfully, now that I’ve gone up in the ranks of my team, I can understand where he’s coming from.

I’ve had to go underground. Change my fireplace and delist its address on the Floo-network. It’s disastrous. There’s even FAN CLUBS for me now! Seriously! Deranged women are throwing themselves at me, and I’m listed as the #8 most eligible bachelor. (Don’t tell Harry, but he’s been #1 for the past two years.)

Bottom line, it’s a fine mess you’ve put the team into. I’d be very afraid for your lives if I were you. If Harry doesn’t hand you over to Voldemort personally, then the girls are going to make you WISH that he had.

And, men do NOT hug and kiss other men. It’s not dignified.

– Oliver

To: Oliver Wood
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Star Seekers
Do you really think the girls are going to get us?

To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Star Seekers

Hell. Yes.

– Oliver

To: Oliver Wood
From: Gred and Forge Weasley
Re: Re: Star Seekers
Our little Ollie has all grown up. We’re so proud of you… cursing like that. It’s just so… so… manly.

sob Where has our whittle captain gone? He’s all big and grown and cursing now.

F&G

To: FRED and GEORGE Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Re: Re: Star Seekers
Oh, sod off! I’ve been up for the past eighteen hours with practice and press conferences, plus a game. You two twats are enough to drive Dumbledore into a cursing rant.

I’m amazed you’ve survived this long. Though, I’m sure Katie or Angelina will be taking care of THAT issue anytime now, if Harry doesn’t himself.

Best of luck, chaps. You’ll need it.

– Oliver.

P.S. Don’t call me Ollie. It’s ‘Oliver’

To: Charlie Weasley
From: Gred and Forge Weasles
Re: Seeking Seeker Advice
After a brief discussion with our previous Gryffindor captain, we’re seeking a second opinion.

How do we pacify the best Seeker our House has seen since you- our beloved older and wiser brother, and formerly Captain and Seeker of the team- left Hogwarts?

Oliver said not to piss Harry off, but well, too late! And you’ve seen Harry’s last Mmail.

Got any advice to help us at least make it to the game?

Much brotherly love (and we’ll even worship the ground you walk on),

– Gred and Forge

To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Re: Star Seekers
I’m appalled to say this but- concede the game. The idiot-duo has definitely gone too far this time!

Do you know, it took me 3 hours to get into my flat yesterday. 3 hours! And that’s from the curb to the front door! Women were mauling me, all wanting to play with the bigger staff.

My testicles are bruised, and I probably won’t be able to have children. All because I play bloody Quidditch. If it’s this bad for me playing pro-Quidditch, I realize that it’ll be much worse for you. I’m just starting to get recognition in our leading sport… you’re the Boy Who Lived! Besides, I saw on the WWW that they’re selling a limited edition calendar of you. You may have to hire bodyguards before you leave school!

Harry, if the twins don’t concede the game- RUN!

– Oliver

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team Ladies
From: Harry Potter
Re: Those Weasley Bastards
Ladies,

I’m given to understand you have some… plans of revenge developed. Given my own personal viewpoints regarding this upcoming match, I’m asking to be allowed to participate in your onset of revenge.

Basically: If George and Fred are going to suffer, I wish to help deliver up their suffering. Profoundly.

As I’m sure you’ve been informed, all charms and attempts to preserve our modesty are now forbidden. I believe there is some internal… efforts in ensuring that we’re as exposed as possible. Heaven knows, my bloody “fan club” is apparently preparing to market “The Naked Truth: Harry Potter Exposed” as a 2002/2003 academic calendar.

To put things mildly, I’m going to become a raging alcoholic if things don’t get under control soon.

And it’s all Fred & George’s fault. I’m within an inch of calling up ol’ Tom and joining forces.

Whattaya say, ladies?

Harry, The Unamused Seeker

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender soon-to-be-Finnegan
Re: Harry Potter 2002 Calendar
Ginny!

I just checked our WWW orders for the calendar, and we’re sold out already! It’s been listed for barely one week and we’re sold out of 50,000 units!

Maybe we should arrange to run another 50,000… I’ve requests for the calendar to be licensed and marketed retail.

Your thoughts?

Lavender

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