To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Lord Voldemort
Attach: (100 K)

Professor:

As we have developed and marketed recent inspirational materials (Moldiemort Robes, and our newest product Mockeries of a Dark Lord due for release in hardcover next month), we have received many threats from Lord Voldemort. While hollow in nature, and really quite trivial, we do believe a potential “retaliation” of Moldie with his unhygenic Death Eaters may disrupt the game.

Given the passion we Gryffindors have for our sport and our team, I would like to make a few suggestions as to how to prevent ol’ Moldie from causing any problems.

A) A prevalent display of Moldiemort robes would cause him much anguish and frustration, possibly throwing him off his game.
B) The attached magical slide-show advertising the upcoming book, Mockeries of a Dark Lord, will also cause him much emotional grief.
C) Dragon sweeps. We have three on the premise, complete with trained riders. Sweeps of these creatures will disrupt the magical fields and stability needed for the Death Eaters to apparate with structure.

Any other defenses you may determine needful would also be welcomed, but the above are easily incorporated and will definitely give Tommy some emotional trauma that should give us an advantage.

Best regards,

G. Weasley

To: Lucius Malfoy
From: The Dark Lord of Sith
Re: Potter
Malfoy, I expect your attendance upon me within the hour. A situation has arisen that requires immediate attention. Potter has decided to branch further into other marketing aspects of our conflict, and yet no licensing authority has come from my lawyers.

I want this boy STOPPED! He’s making a fool of us all!

Lord Voldemort
Dark Wizard
Grand Order of Sith

To: Lestrange-at-Azkaban
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: “Dark Lord of Sith”
The old boy has been watching the “Star Wars” trilogy again. Damn Muggles. It’s obviously rattled his brains some more. Now he’s the “Dark Lord of Sith” If he starts wearing a black shiny mass and breathing heavy, I’m outta here.

Anyway, we have a small legal situation on the horizon. Problem being, our Master has killed off all the lawyers we’ve hired to represent him. Any suggestions?

Good luck with the Dementors! Hope you’ve got that drool problem under control.

– Lucky

To: Lord Voldemort
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: Re: Potter
Master, I have made some inquiries with regards to the legal ramifications. We could put a block on any future merchandise sales, but to do this, you MUST NOT KILL OFF THE LAWYERS! At least, not the ones who are representing your cause.

Please Master, I know they’re all annoying evil gits, but… just this once, please don’t just A-K them immediately upon their fee statement!

Ever your loyal and obedient servant,

– Lucius Malfoy

To: Harry Potter
From: Severus Snape / Potions Master
Re: Merchandising
Potter:

The Dark Lord is hiring a lawyer to block all sales of your product line. FYI.

– Professor Snape

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Severus Snape / Potions Master
FW: Re: Merchandising
Ginny, I’ve contacted Legal, and they are pretty sure they can counter any block Moldiemort tries to put in place. They recommend, however, we avoid any physical characterizations of Ol’ Tom, and ensure that we do not list “Lord Voldemort” by name in any of our reproductions to ensure consistency.

I assured them this wasn’t a problem. So, in that vein, could you remove the last sonnet in “Mockeries of a Dark Lord” before it goes to print? And are we almost ready to release the calendar for sale? I’d like to get more on the market before anything goes to court. That way, Tommy loses more and more legal ground.

Oh, and please, have the twins send our illustrious Professor Snape a complimentary Moldiemort robe.

– HP

To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
CC: Severus Snape / Potions Master
Re: FW: Re: Merchandising
Harry:

I’ve notified the twins Re:Legal’s advice.

2) Removed the last sonnet. I’m keeping a copy in my private edition, mind you.

3) Calendar is GORGEOUS! And, effective 10:00 hours, it goes on sale. Do keep in mind, pre-release sales have 70 percent of all copies sold out. Immediate delivery has been scheduled, so it’s safe to say for those who have already bought a copy, they’ll have it in their hot drooling little hands at 10:01 hours.

4) One complimentary set of Moldiemort robes, with the anti-wear charm to protect against any students spraying a damaging potion on them have been sent to our brilliant Potions Master.

Good luck with the game today, Harry!

Ginny

To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Sucking Up
Was that enough? Do you think he’ll be all puffed, peacocky and leave us the bloody hell alone in class for a few days?

– GW

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Sucking up
We can only hope. You’ll be at the game today?

HP

To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Sucking up
With bells on. Have I complimented you on your excellent physique, yet? I had to put the calendar down and start fanning myself. My goodness, Harry…

Ginny

To: Harry Potter
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Calendars
Potter:

Before you investigate the records of sales, I have purchased one of your calendars for my niece. I don’t suppose you would be so courteous to autograph it, would you?

Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress

To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Calendars
Professor:

Even though a part of my fragile ego cringes at this entire… calendar episode, I would be delighted to autograph your copy. I can have it sent to you with autograph already on it before delivery begins, sparing you (and me) the embarrassment of tracking me down to sign.

To whom should it be autographed?

Harry

To: Harry Potter
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: Re: Calendars
Potter:

I thank you for your consideration. I quite agree that having to get the calendar autographed after delivery would be embarrassing for all parties involved.

It should be persoanlized to: “Minnie” and any references to Minnie as a kitten are all fine.

Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress

To: Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger
From: Harry Potter
FW: You Won’t Believe This
Come on, now truthfully, are you BUYING the niece thing?

– HP

To: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: FW: You Won’t Believe This
Oh dear heavens! I have Transfiguration this morning! How will I sit in her class and NOT break into giggles!

– HG

To: Harry Potter, Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: FW: You Won’t Believe This
Harry…

She wants you. Surely you can milk a good grade out of that!

Ginny
“Don’t TOUCH the merchandise! Hands off! Back, you madwomen! Back!”
– O. Wood, Witch Weekly Vol 11330, Issue 320

To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Your Game Today
Good luck today, mate. To perk you up on this deplorable event, I was watching the Wizard Broadcast and they covered a section Re: the calendar. I think it’s safe to say, it’s a smashing hit. And, the photographer was utterly amazing. Not one commentary has referred to it as anything but artistic, graceful, amazing, awesome and a ‘true appreciation of fine male physicality’.

I think you’re safe. Strut your stuff, Potter. And make Malfoy look BAD.

– Ollie
Nekkid Partner in Crime

To: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender Brown
Re: Calendars Orders
Harry, I was just finalizing all the orders for immediate delivery before I nip down to brekkie. The charms are all set, owls loaded, and everything is ready to rock and roll like clockwork.

As I reviewed the sales list, a couple of alarming purchases leapt up to grab me.

First: Draco bought a copy. If he tries to ‘grab’ anything on the field, I doubt it’ll be the Snitch. Make sure you’re guarding the jewels, Harry. Or Ginny will eviscerate Malfoy.

Second: Lucius Malfoy bought a copy. Clearly, the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.

Third: Tom Riddle bought a copy. Now, if I were you, I’d be very afraid!

– Lav

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Breakfast
Just heading down to the Great Hall in a moment. You up to join me in a bite?

Harry

To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Breakfast
I’d like some sausage, yes.

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re:Breakfast
Evil woman!

To: Lavender Brown
From: Ginny Weasley
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Calendar Orders
Lavender, could you grab those three copies and stop them from going out? I want them to be personalized in a very special way for these three special customers. I’ll discuss this further with Harry at breakfast. I’ll grab the units from you on my way down.

– Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender Brown
Re: Re: Re: Calendar Orders
You got it, girlfriend!

To: Lord Voldemort
From: Harry Potter
Re: Your Calendar Order
Attach: (5 MB)
Dear Tom:

Please click on the below link to receive your “Naked Quidditch” calendar, featuring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I’ve personalized the copy.

Enjoy!

Harry

To: Draco Malfoy
From: Harry Potter
Re: Your Calendar Order
Attach: (5 MB)
Dear Draco:

Please click on the below link to receive your “Naked Quidditch” calendar, featuring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I’ve personalized the copy.

Enjoy!

Harry

To: Lucius Malfoy
From: Harry Potter
Re: Your Calendar Order
Attach: (5 MB)
Dear Lucky:

Please click on the below link to receive your “Naked Quidditch” calendar, featuring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I’ve personalized the copy.

Enjoy!

Harry

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
CC: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Today’s Game
Ginny, I didn’t mention this at breakfast because I didn’t want to start a public row. I don’t think you should go to the game today. It’s going to be quite risque and terribly inappropriate for a young lady like yourself.

– Ron

To: Ron Weasley
From: Ginny Weasley
CC: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Re: Today’s Game
At the personal invitation of Harry Potter, I will be at the game. I even have a reserved seat.

Given that I am one of the producers of the “Naked Quidditch” calendar, I really don’t think that there is any ‘more’ of Harry that I can see while he’s riding a broomstick. The only trauma I may experience is seeing my twin brothers out there in all their glory.

I’ve got to drop a package off to McGonagall, so I’ll ask for assistance to prevent my not-so-naive eyes from seeing things best left unseen.

– Ginny

To: Hermione Granger
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Today’s Game
You’re not going, right?

– Ron

To: Ron Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Re: Today’s Game
Of COURSE I’m going. Aren’t you? You can sit with Ginny and me.

– Hermione

To: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Ronald Weasley
In furtherance to our conversation, I agree that perhaps Ron Weasley is best left sedated until the game is over. His catatonic state of being this morning is not a good indicator that he can watch the game without a complete nervous breakdown. Poor boy.

– Minnie

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