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THREE GUYS AND THE GUINNESS BOOK

Three guys, who were old friends were hanging out one day when one of them starts looking at his hands continually. Finally one of the others asks him about this and the friend replies, “Well, I have noticed how small my hands are. I bet they are the smallest men’s hands in the world. I was thinking about going to the people at the Guinness Book of World Records and asking them to measure them to see if I can get in their record book. I believe they pay lots of money also.
Then the second guy starts in. He tells the others how small his feet are and relays how he only wears a size 5 shoe and that his feet are probably the smallest men’s feet in the world. He inquires about how much the record book pays and when told, decides to go with his friend with the small hands to the Guinness office.
The third guy is listening to the others and decides to offer up his story. He tells the others how embarrassed he is to admit this but that his penis size is so small, he is sure he could set the world record. Realizing how much money he could make if he gets in the record book, he also decides to go to the Guinness office with his friends.
All three are in the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records and the first guy with the small hands goes in.
Finally after two hours, he emerges grinning ear to ear and holding up a big check for $100,000. The other two men hover around him admiring his good fortune. Then the second guy with the small feet goes in and after a couple hours, he also emerges smiling and holding up a big fat check for $100,000.
The third guy with the small penis goes in but he is only inside the interviewer’s office for a couple of minutes and when he emerges, there’s a glum expression on his face and he doesn’t have any money either. The other men ask what happened.
He replies,”Do any of you know who [insert here the name of male friend who is listening to you tell this joke] is?”

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joke

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

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The Apartment

It’s a quiet night. I sit in the dark apartment waiting, watching the
traffic on the street below. I smile at how easy this has been.
I’ve watched the girl for a couple of days, she seems oblivious to my
presence. Maybe she hasn’t seen me or maybe she’s used to people
watching her, dancers are like that I suppose. Her routine is the same
every day. She goes to work at about eight o’clock every night, and
comes home at three o’clock in the morning.
I look at my watch. 2:58am. Almost time.
The apartment was a breeze to break into. I just climbed right up the
wooden cage surrounding the lower apartment’s patio and over the low
wooden fence surrounding the upper patio. The sliding glass door was
unlocked, I just let myself in.
Footfalls on the stairs outside. She’s coming. I get up from the
chair and hide behind the curtains that normally cover the patio door.
I’ve found this hiding place when I came in and I’ve cut a small slit
in the fabric so I can watch her come in.
She opens the door and I can see her illuminated by the porch light.
She’s a vision as always. Tall, with the slender graceful figure of a
dancer. She has long dark hair tied up in a bun, little streams of it
drop down over the fine angular features of her beautiful face. She’s
perfect.
She comes in closing the door behind her, drops her bags down next to
the door and turns on the lights. I watch her body move under the
flowery cotton sun dress she’s wearing as she kneels down to pet her
cat. A cat, by the way, that ran up to me when I came in like I was
part of the family. I think I like cats.
She stands and walks past my hiding place to the kitchen. I hold my
breath as she walks by, it’s too early for her to see me, it would
complicate things. I hear the sound of her sandals against the tile
floor of the kitchen, it appears that she didn’t see me. I’m lucky
tonight. I slowly release my grip on the long silk scarf wrapped around
my left hand. The sounds from the kitchen tell me she’s feeding the
cat.
I watch as she walks back into my field of view then turns and walks
directly away from me down the hall toward the bathroom. I must act
now! I quietly (oh so quietly) move out from behind the curtain and
silently wrap the other end of the scarf around my right hand. She’s
still unaware of my approach as I lift the scarf over her head and
tighten it down around her pretty neck. I pull the ends of the scarf,
hard.
She tries to scream, I think. But all that comes out is a gurgling
sound. She begins to struggle and kick. I stand sideways to protect
my groin and pull the scarf tighter. I take a few shots in the ribs
from her elbows. It hurts but I can’t let up now. I pull her body a
little closer as she twists and turns.
Thirty seconds pass. Her face becomes beat-red, her eye’s are wide
with fear and her tongue sticks out of her open mouth as she gasps for
air. Her struggling reaches it’s peak then I start to feel her
weakening.
One minute. She continues to pull at the scarf with her hands and kick
with her sandaled feet but I already know that I’ve won. I pull back
on the scarf until her head is resting on my shoulder, I breathe in her
scent, her hair, her skin, the light smell of perfume worn behind the
ear.
One minute, thirty seconds. She’s losing control, I watch as her
movements become jerky and erratic. Her eyelids flutter and her eyes
roll back in her head and her mouth closes on her still outstretched
tongue. The gurgling noises have all but stopped. I’m rock hard.
Two minutes. I admire her stamina, two minutes without air and still
on her feet. However, as I’m thinking this I feel her knees begin to
buckle. I watch as her long lovely arms slowly drop to her sides and
her eyelids flutter closed. Her head lols from side to side and then
falls forward.
Two minutes, thirty seconds. The only indication of movement now are
her infrequent body spasms. I hold her up by the scarf. She dangles
limply in my grasp. I continue to pull on the scarf, no going back
now.
Three minutes. I lower her lifeless body to the floor, face first. I
watch her bare left leg jerk once, then, no more movement at all. She
is mine.
I pull on the scarf for a long time. Another five minutes or so, just
to be sure. I remove the scarf and check her pulse. None.
“She’s Dead,” I say to myself.
I remove the scarf and put it in my pocket as I take a long look at her
motionless body, lying face down before me. I kneel down and, starting
at her head, move both of my hands down the curves of her body. As I
work my way down I can feel the bra and panties that she wears under
the soft cotton dress. I feel my heart skip a beat as my hand finally
touches the soft smooth skin of her legs. I continue to move until my
hands rest on the sandals she’s wearing.
I’m shaking as I gently bend her leg at the knee, lift her foot up, and
slide the sandal off. I toss it aside as I look at her now bare foot.
It is long and graceful like the girl herself, I softly kiss the
sole. It’s still warm and soft, very nice. I push her leg back a bit
farther so I can see the rest of her foot. She’s wearing a dark
purple, almost black, toenail polish. I run my lips along the top of
her foot and across the row of her soft little toes.
I realize as I put down her left leg and pick up her right that my
pants have gotten uncomfortable. I pull off the other sandal and
untuck my shirt from my slacks. I pull the shirt up and over her bare
foot and let it rest next to my skin as I undo my pants and slide them
down to my knees.
My erection is almost painful as I look at the beautiful dead girl. I
move away slightly and her bare foot slowly slides down my stomach and
comes to rest next to my swollen member. It is heaven. I begin using
my hands to move her foot up and down my shaft. The pre-ejaculate on
the head of my dick lubricates her foot nicely. I reach down and pick
up her other foot and bring them together on my cock. I take her feet
like that for what seems like a long time, but I stop myself just short
of cumming. There are still other things I want to do.
I stand up and step out of my pants then I pick them up and pull a
small pair of sharp scissors from the back pocket. I kneel back down
and pull each strap of the dress away from her shoulders so that I can
see her white silk bra straps. With two quick movements the straps are
cut. I then unhook the back of the bra through the dress, reach under
her right arm and tug the bra away from her body.
Now I lift up the girls dress until I can see her white silk panties (a
matching set). I run my hand up her dress and use the scissors to cut
the fabric on both sides of the silk undergarment. Then I just pull
them off of her. She’s naked now except for the dress.
I stare at her soft pink pussy. It glistens! I slip one of my fingers
up inside her. She’s wet. I wonder at this. Was I performing some
fantasy? Did she wish for something like this to happen to her? I’ll
never know.
I remove my fingers from her and roll her body over onto her back. I
look at her face. Her beauty is stunning, even in death. Her tongue
still sticks out of her mouth and her brown eyes are half open. I lean
down and touch the tip of my tongue to hers and push it past her teeth
back into her mouth. She tastes wonderful. I push open her eyelids so
I can see her beautiful brown eyes. I caress her soft face with my
lips and work my way down to her neck and then begin to undo the
buttons holding the dress on.
I continue kissing and licking her body until, after five buttons, I am
greeted by the sight of her beautiful breasts. They are round and firm,
not too large, not too small. They have small dark pink nipples. I
taste them. I pull on them with my teeth. I continue undoing buttons.
I work my way past her perfect navel complete with belly-button ring
(which I remove) and down to her perfect, pink, wet, pussy. I run my
lips over her small patch of soft brown hair and down between her legs.
I smell her. I taste her. I experience her. She is perfect. She is
mine.
Again the scissors do their work and the straps holding the dress on her
arms fall away. I pause and step back to admire this beautiful naked
woman lying dead in the cut-up remains of her clothing.
I’m still so hard it hurts.
I bend down and pick up the body. She dangles lifelessly in my arms as
I carry her into her bedroom. I place her face-up sideways on the bed
with her head hanging off the edge. Her mouth opens naturally. I take
a deep breathe and kneel down. It’s so easy to push my dick into her
mouth it feels like it was made to go there. I slide it up to the hilt,
until I can feel my balls touching her face. She accepts it without
complaint, of course. I pull out somewhat and thrust forward again. I
marvel at the way her throat swells with my erect member inside it.
I fall into a rhythm and watch as her body moves with each thrust Her
breasts bounce up and down in time to my music. It is wonderful. I
have to stop again, this time I’m almost too late. I pull out and try
to fight back the eminent eruption. I wait. I breathe. I look at
her. She stares back at me with her beautiful brown eyes.
I grab her by the shoulders and turn her face down, then stand up and
walk around to the other side of the bed. I reach out and grab her by
her bare feet. I hold them for a few seconds caressing her soft toes
and then pull her body across the bed until her cute little butt hangs
out just over the edge. I put her legs down and they fall at an angle
to the rest of her body giving me a clear view of her tight pink
rosebud and her soft wet pussy.
Normally I don’t care much for anal sex but the idea of taking her in
every one of her orifices turns me on. I reach down and stick my
fingers up inside her until they are slick with her juices. Then,
slowly, I insert one of them into her ass. I work it around for a
while and then insert another, then, slowly, another. Then head of my
prick is wet enough with juices of it’s own and with only a little
thrust I manage to push it in.
It’s tight almost too tight. It seems she didn’t care much for anal
sex either. That’s okay, she doesn’t care now. The idea turns me on.
I take the naked dead girl in the ass as long as I can stand it. My
dick is screaming for release. I must, as much as I don’t want to,
finish this soon.
I pull myself from her asshole, walk back around to the other side of
the bed and pull her by her arms back onto the bed. I turn her over
and then twist her body around so that she’s lying lengthwise on the
bed. I reach down and spread her beautiful soft dancer legs. I remove
the rest of my clothes.
Her body shakes from side to side as I crawl up onto the bed and
position myself on top of her lifeless nude body. I move my dick to
the opening of her soft inviting pussy and it seems to just fall in. I
lay on top of her feeling what remains of her body heat and I slowly
begin to slide in and out of her.
I move my legs to the outside of hers and use them to push her legs
together. This increases the pressure on my already throbbing penis and
I realize that I can’t last much longer. I continue my sliding in and
out as I look at her. Arms at her sides, legs together, with my cock
sliding in and out of her. I look at those beautiful glassy brown eyes
and I finally lose control.
I shoot load after hot load of my cum deep inside her pussy. I can’t
seem to stop it goes on for what seems like hours. Finally I collapse
on her soft still-warm body. I kiss her passionately, driving my
tongue deep into her waiting mouth. She cannot kiss back. I like
that.
After a few minutes I pull out of her and clean myself up. I draw back
the covers and then I pick her up and put her in bed, taking the time
to run my hands over her body again. I cover her up and tuck her in as
if she were sleeping.
I bend over and kiss her lips one last time.
“Goodnight,” I say.
I gather my things and put my clothes back on. I leave the way I came
in, through the sliding glass patio door and down the wooden cage.
It’s been a good night, I may not feel like doing this for some time to
come.
I guess we’ll see.

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My Dad’s Girlfirend

As a little back-story: my dad had just gotten back together with his girlfriend Sativa (whom at the time was only 27 and had an ass like none other.) She was about 5’6” and 120 lbm with faintly red hair, nice white skin and some freckles. She was a mother of two (her oldest was my father’s son from an extra-marital relationship roughly 11) and a daughter from hell whom was four. I had just turned 16 as of two months ago and had lost my virginity about a month ago to a 30 year old. I myself was a late bloomer I was roughly 5’5” 140 but from hard work had a reasonable amount of muscle especially from all the manual labor I would do.

Potential Part 7

A teenage boy’s normal struggles with growing up are complicated by his porn brain and pantie fetish, or at least that’s what he thinks. There might be more to the story.

Teenage Sexperiments – Chapter 1

Around the age of fifteen I began to realise that sex was more than a solo sport. I had played around with my teenage cock for a couple of years, managing a ‘stiffie’, and enjoying the sensations of experimental wanking.
Friends at school often talked of ‘cumming’ and boasted tales of sexploits with girls, but although I had a girlfriend, we had gone no further than kissing and the occasional fondle of a developing breast. One lad in my class who sat behind me in the maths lesson, would often wank off under the desk, and was proud of himself when the other lads watched in awe as he shot a load of sticky cum onto the floor.
One day I plucked up courage to ask him what it felt like to ‘cum’, he laughed at first and joked at me about being a ‘cum virgin’, but eventually he described the warming sensation and the rush of ‘dizziness’ as his orgasm washed over him, followed by the splashes of cum spurting from his cock.
I tried many times to persuade my girlfriend to play with my cock, always managing a ‘stiffie’ when we kissed, but she point blank refused to touch me. Eventually she allowed me to put my hand up her skirt and feel the heat and dampness of her young pussy over her panties, but would not let me inside them to feel her for real.
My solo wanking exploits continued, but try as I may, I could not get my cock to ‘cum’. I was beginning to get very sexually frustrated.
My name is Joe, I was the eldest of three children, my brother Kenny was 12-months younger than me, and my sister Tracy was 3-years younger. Our next door neighbours were good friends with my parents, and my brother and I good friends with their son Tom, who was around my age. They also had a daughter Terri who was the same age as my brother.
Every Friday night our parents would go for a drink with the neighbours, down to the local pub, leaving all of us kids together taking turns to stay at each other’s house for the duration. We were plaid with pop, crisps, and chocolate, and left to watch TV and play games. No video games back then, so we had to make do with board games or cards. Tom and I being the eldest were supposed to be in charge.
As the weeks went on, and we were more comfortable with each other’s company, the games became more diverse, we began to ‘dare’ the loser. It started with ‘kiss the girls’, and eventually the inevitable, ‘show us yours’. Strangely, the girls were more than happy to pull down their panties and flash their young pussies and bums, whilst Tom Kenny and I were a little more apprehensive.
I began to enjoy the thrill of exposing myself to the girls, the fact that my sister was there was irrelevant to me. I soon realised that the other two boys were enjoying themselves too, Tom had a semi-erection as he gleefully dropped his jeans and pants to expose his growing manhood, he shook himself from side to side making his young cock and developing balls slap from one thigh to the other, the girls shrieked with delight.
As the weekly Friday night games evolved, the ‘dares’ changed to ‘forfeits’, allowing the winner to set up a forfeit for the loser. It was Tom who was the first winner and Terri the first loser, Tom made the first forfeit.
‘Little Sis, you have to feel at Kenny’s cock and wank it for him’ Tom declared, Terri giggled, Tracy egged her on, ‘Go on do it!!’
Kenny had already dropped his pants and his proud cock was showing signs of growing, Terri grasped his cock as though she was going to pull it off, the wrong way round to give his cock a proper wank, but she tugged him several times before letting go. Kenny was grinning from ear to ear and his cock was now standing to attention, his foreskin just starting to open to reveal his shiny cock end. I glanced at everyone’s faces, Tom, Terri, Tracy and Kenny were all smiling and we all sensed the excitement.
The games continued and reached the stage where if the boys lost, the forfeit was now kissing one of the girls pussy, again the fact that our sisters were the target caused no concern.
I was the first to kiss pussy, and again Terri was the loser. She sat down on the sofa, wriggled her skirt up to her waist, then hooked her thumbs into her panties and wriggled them over her hips and down to her ankles, she was giggling as she opened her thighs to show us her pussy.
To the chant of ‘kiss-kiss-kiss’ I knelt between her legs and lowered my head towards her, she had the start of pubic hair growth, fine wispy hairs covering her sex, and she smelt like nothing I knew, not a nasty smell but a unique aroma. As I paused to take a close up look at her pussy, someone pushed my head down, I pursed my lips and felt them on her, I made a smacking noise and lifted my head away from her, everyone cheered and Terri clasped her thighs together, her hands on her knees.
It didn’t dawn on anyone of us what would happen if the winner and the loser were brother and sister, or girl/girl, or even boy/boy, we were all carried away with the excitement of the game.
The inevitable happened, Terri won, Tom lost. I saw the glint in Terri’s eye as she looked across at me,
‘Right Tom, for your forfeit, you have to give Joe a wank’,
For a moment there was silence, then the sound of Kenny’s voice, ‘Yes, yes, yes’, and then Tracy, ‘Chicken, chicken’
Terri shouted above the noise, ‘Come on Tom, you have to, it’s your forfeit’,
There was no thought of me from the others, only the three of them concentrating on Tom, insisting he pay his forfeit. I wasn’t sure that I wanted Tom touching me, but my cock twitched inside my pants anyway. Tom raised his hands, ‘OK, OK’, ‘I’ll do it’. Now I was confused about my feelings, the night had been very exiting so far, and I knew my cock was semi-hard, so I protested.
‘Come on guys, he doesn’t have to do that’ I heard myself say, ‘Oh yes he does’ three voices together.
The three of them grabbed me and pushed my down on to the floor, one of them pulling at my jeans, the others holding me down, in no time my cock was exposed. ‘He’s getting a stiffie, look, look’, cried Terri.
Tom squatted over me and sat on legs, he reached for my cock and took hold of it, he slowly wanked my cock, his hand moving up and down my now fully hard cock. He stopped on the down stroke, and squeezed, then slowly pulled down further. My foreskin slipped back over my shiny cock end, revealing the swollen red bulb.
‘There, forfeit over’, stated Tom letting go of my hard cock, it slapped back down onto my stomach. He started to get up.‘No way Tom’, it was Terri’s voice, ‘Look at his cock, he has a full blown stiffie’ she stated, ‘And it’s wet’, I looked down at my cock and was amazed to see a small clear droplet oozing from my swollen cock. ‘Do him Tom, make him cum’, Terri’s voice again.
I wanted him to wank me, the others wanted him to, there was a definite sexual tension in the air. Tom sat back down on my legs, his hand reached for his own cock hidden inside his jeans, he adjusted himself, than reached for my cock again. Taking my cock in his hand he started to wank me again, slowly at first, then faster, spurred on by the others chanting ‘ Wank, wank, wank’ in unison.
I was lost in the glorious feeling of sexual arousal, every stroke of Tom’s hand making my shiver, a small groan escaped my lips, Tom grasped his cock through his jeans with his other hand and increased his speed on my cock. I felt the feeling in my legs first, a burning sensation rushing up my legs, through my whole body, then into my head, what the hell was it? I immediately panicked, jumping forward I pushed him off me, his hold on my cock released, I scrambled for my jeans, pulling them up as I struggled to stand, and I left the room as fast as I could.
In the bathroom I looked down at my now limp cock, there was no cum, no sticky flood, just a trickle of clear liquid oozing from my cock. Again I thought about the feelings I had as Tom wanked me, was that a cum? was that what it felt like? If it was where was my cum stuff? I felt very confused.
Later that night as I lay in bed, I remembered my friend at school, describing how he felt when he reached orgasm, the feelings came first he said, then the cum spurts. I wondered about my feelings as Tom wanked me, maybe that was it, I had started to cum but it stopped when I made Tom let go! But how did Tom manage to make me cum when my soIo wanking couldn’t? I drifted off to sleep, my dreams were full of sexy thoughts, and I awoke the next morning with a big stiffie.

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