Reluctant Desires

For the last couple of months, my boyfriend has been trying to get me to come to his work and have sex. He’s begged and pleaded, even tried bribing me with foot massages. There is no fucking way I am having sex in the library. For me, sex is private. We’ve all got things we don’t want the public knowing about, so the idea of having sex in such a public place gives me the whiggins.

My name is Corey. People say I’m good looking, but I look nothing like the tanned blond bimbos that fills up the internet. I’m a short little 5’2 twig with small breasts and pale skin. I’ve never really done the girly thing. I wear my hair short, my clothes baggy and my face makeup less. I didn’t even start shaving my legs until I started dating Sebastian at the tender age of 26. I’m awkward. I’ve never really understood people. I still don’t understand what Sebastian sees in me, but having a boyfriend keeps my parents quite. I prefer working at the funeral home. I’m mostly alone and can be myself, listen to music and really unwind while I prep bodies for services. It’s quite. Nothing at all like the library with a million people in and out all day. Dear sweet Corey, trying to convince me to have sex in the local history stacks.

“No one ever goes back there, it’ll be private.” Private, sure. He’s a nice guy, but when he doesn’t let the matter drop for 4 months, he really starts to get on my nerve. I try explaining how him taking my virginity last year was a big step for me, and I am not ready to do something so bold as public sex. He doesn’t let up. One night while watching a crappy movie together, I finally loose it.

“Why the fuck is it so important that we have sex at the library?” I shout. He nearly jumps of the couch, the only reason he doesn’t is that I have my legs spread out over his lap. He’s not used to me being so forceful.

“It’s no the library…it’s just…I’ve always liked the idea of having sex in, you know, weird places.” He mumbles, averting his eyes. He’s clearly uncomfortable about opening up about this.

“What, like a fetish?” I ask gently.

I feel him shift his weight. “I guess. I know it’s weird, but I’ve just always liked to think about having sex in different places. Like work, or the park. I don’t actually want to be watched, but the idea that anyone could stumble onto it is…exciting.” He looks over to me with pleading eyes. I never realized how much this meant to him. I can imagine him thinking how fucked up he must seem. To some people, maybe. Not to me. I know what it’s like to have desires that are uncomfortable for most people, worried about being found out.

“Let me think about it?” I tell him. Sebastian gives me a wry smile out of the corner of his mouth.

“Sure. Thanks babe.” He says, patting my feet.

We end up having sex that night. It’s not great. I’ve only ever had an orgasm when I masturbate in private. When he falls asleep next to me, I prop myself up on my elbow, so I can look into his face. He really is a good looking guy. 6 feet tall, chubby, but in a cute way. Brown hair you can tell used to be blond. I love watching him sleep, he never seems more beautiful to me. So at peace.

While I watch him I begin running our conversation on the couch over in my mind. Sebastian has a fetish. Who am I to judge. If it means that much to him, maybe I should do it. I mean, if I ever want to do the things I want, it’s only fair, right?

In the morning I’m sitting on a stool in the tiny kitchen I have drinking coffee when he comes downstairs.

“Morning babe.” He mumbles, kissing the top of my head as he walks over to the coffee machine.

“Morning.” I reply. While I work up the courage to broach the subject, I take a sip of my coffee.

“Sebastian?” I start.

“Mmm?” He reply’s, pouring himself a cup.

“I’ve thought about what we talked about last night.”

He let’s my words hang in the air as he puts the pot back into the coffee maker.

“Okay.”

I can feel him behind my back, worried about what I’ll say.

“You know that I’m not…open about a lot…what I mean is,”

He cuts me off. “I know, I’m sorry. I don’t want to push you, it’s just that-“

“Shush.” I make a zipping motion with my hands as he walks back around the counter. “I know you know. That’s why I’m sure you’ll understand why I don’t want to have sex in the library.”

Like a sad puppy, he kind of sinks. “But…” I continue.

Sebastian cautiously perks up. “But?”

“I would be willing to take a baby step in that direction. Somewhere…taboo, but still private.”

His telltale smirk spreads across his face. “Okay.”

“I was thinking that maybe if we do this, we could also do something I’d want too.” I avert my eyes and take a long drink of my coffee, trying to hide myself as much as I can.

“That you’d…Corey, do you have a fetish too?” I’ve taken him completely off guard. Throughout our relationship I’ve been so repressed, the idea that I might have a serious interest in sex, something kinky mind you, is baffling to him.

“Yeah.” I reply from behind my coffee cup.

“What is it?”

I lower my cup a bit, cradling it before me like a safety blanket. I close my eyes.

“Baby steps Sebastian. Let me show you…saying it is too…” I don’t have the words.

Right away he’s the concerned, comforting boyfriend. “Hey, no problem babe. I understand it took a lot of courage to even talk about it. I’d be happy to do anything you need me to. I love you.”

I sigh in relief. “Thanks.”

Sebastian finally sits down on his stool. As he stirs in some sugar into his cup, he asks “So where were you thinking of wanting to go? If not the library?”

“Well…if you want somewhere taboo like the work place, but I want somewhere private, I was thinking, maybe, we could go to…my…work.”

As I speak, I keep my eyes away from Sebastian’s face. His spoon stops in his cup.

“The funeral home?” He rolls his shoulders, creeped out. “Isn’t that a little…morbid?”

“Well…it’s just that it’s a place I’m comfortable. I have keys, we could go in at night and be alone. And even then, it’s just me and Mr. Trotsky, and he’s, like, 80. So it’ll be private.”

Just like I’d done while working up the courage to broach the subject, Sebastian now takes a sip of his coffee, working everything over in his mind.

“I won’t have to see any…bodies, will I?”

“Oh, no! I’ll put everything away so it won’t be too weird for you.”

“Well, I guess if you do this for me, it’s only fair.” He offers.

Hopefully I ask, “Is that a yes?”

He nods. “Sure. Thank you. Really.”

I get off my stool and run around the counter and throw my arms around him. “Are you kidding. You’re the best boyfriend ever. I can’t wait for tonight!”

“Tonight, really?” He gasps.

I let him go and stare into his eyes. “Absolutely. I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone like you, someone who would understand…you need to go home, I’ve got to get ready for tonight, and I’ve got to do it before I go to work.”

“Go home, Corey it’s not even 7 A.M. yet.”

I’m already handing him is coat. “I’ve got to get some things, I’ve got to get some makeup…I’ve got to shave. Everywhere.” I say this last part as sultry as I can, running my finger down his chest. “This is a big night for us.” I see his Adam’s apple jump as he gulps. I keep myself tidy, but the idea of my pussy being clean shaved is clearly exiting him.

“Sure, yeah. I’ll see you tonight?”

I give him a kiss at my back door. “Sure thing, I’ll come pick you up at 10 o’clock.”

“Al…right?” Everything’s happened so fast, the poor baby can barely register it all. Looking at him walk away, my heart does a little pitter patter it’s never done before. I think I might actually care about him. The thought had never really occurred to me before. I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever hated Sebastian, it’s just that the only reason that I started dating him was he asked me out. It was normal. Now, as I watch him turn down the alley, I realize that I truly love him for doing this for me.

The morning goes by in a blur as I go shopping at sex shops for everything I need. I swing by the drug store and pick up mascara and eyeliner. At work, Mr. Trotsky notices I’m moving a million miles a minute. I finish the makeup job on an elderly woman 3 hours before my shift ends, and spend the remainder of my time cleaning the place. As Mr. Trotsky leaves, he gives me a pat on the shoulder and thanks me for the great job I did on Mrs. Everdeen.

“You know Corey, you’ve turned out to be a first rate assistant. How would you like to help me out with the wake tomorrow morning. I think it’s time you started understanding the other aspects of the business. Eh?”

For the first time today, I stop. Mr. Trotsky wants to give me more responsibilities? “Wow Mr. Trotsky, I’d be honored. Thank you.”

“Pish posh.” He waves me off. “You’re a good girl Corey. Be here 9 A.M. and we’ll get everything sorted.”

“Yes sir, ‘night.”

Cloud nine. That’s the best way to describe it. All the way home I float. I replay the day as I soak in the tub and shave. Despite never going bare before, I don’t knick myself once. I admire myself with the help of a hand mirror. At 9:30 I’m finishing off my mascara. My reflection in the mirror is very different than my usual appearance. Normally I look like a shy, pasty girl. Now I’m a total vamp. Vaguely goth even. I smack my lips together, getting used to the feel of the lipstick. In minutes I’m outside Sebastian’s apartment, drumming my fingers on the steering wheel while I wait for him.

When he gets in the car I can smell the Old Spice aftershave on him. It’s nice to know that he’s trying to make this special. I lean over and kiss him before taking off.

“Wow, Corey. You look…hot.” He tells me, gawking.

I can feel his eyes settle on the hem of my skirt. “Thanks hon, I wanted to look good for you tonight.” He settles a hand on my thigh just below my skirt line. “You look great.” He leans over and starts to kiss my neck. Soon enough we reach my work. I lead him through the back door. Inside he eyes everything around him.

“So, we’re not gonna do it in a coffin, are we?”

I roll my eyes as I lead him to the surgical table. “We’re not going to do it in the viewing room. We’re doing it here, my work room.”

Sebastian’s eyes roam the surgical steel counters and table. “Not exactly romantic, is it?”

“It’s not supposed to be.” Standing close to him, my fingers find his belt. “It’s supposed to be kinky.” I bite his lower lip suggestively. When I pull back, his belt comes with me. I toss it over my shoulder.

“You’re naughty!” He says, admiringly. I rest against the counter so he can drink in the sight of me. The only light is coming from the surgical lamp above the work table in the center of the room, and I’m on the other side of it. He barely sees me. I lift my hand and curl my finger, beckoning him to me. He smirks his smirks and tears off his leather jacket, dropping is as he comes to me. Before he reaches me I stop him with my foot.

“Take it off.” He looks down at my high heeled foot resting against is stomach. His eyes trace up along my leg to my skirt, it riding up suggestively. He unclasps the shoe and takes it off. I drop my leg and raise the other. He repeats the process before kicking his shoes off himself. I beckon him to me again with another come hither finger. He collides into me, kissing me roughly. One hand on my shapely ass, the other finds my breast, squeezing me through the fabric of my shirt. It seems to silly, but the only though I have through this is ‘I’ve never felt so sexy.’

I break the kiss once I feel his erect penis poking into me.

“Strip and get on the table.” I tell him, holding him at bay. Not used to me giving him orders, he hesitates a moment. But I’m sexy and he’s horny. His sweater and jeans hit the floor in moments, and he kicks off his boxers. As he leans back onto the counter, his 5 inch cock waves to me. He’s not huge or anything, but in the light of my work, his cock looks gorgeous like never before. My bare feet patter against the linoleum as I walk to the head of the table, Sebastian’s eyes follow me.

“Here, give me your hands.” I tell him. He does, not sure what I’m up to. I gently put his arms to the corners of the table above his head, then start to buckle the slave cuffs I’d bought this morning onto his wrists.

“Corey, is this what you like? To be in charge, me being handcuffed?”

As I do his other wrist, I ask, worried. “That’s part of it, is that a problem honey?”

“No. Not at all. It’s kind of a turn on actually.”

“I can see.” I nod towards his erect penis. He looks down and then back to me. “He’s happy too.” Ugh, men. They can be little kids sometimes. I give Sebastian an upside down kiss before making my way to his feet and repeating the process on his ankles.
“Can you move?” I ask him. Sebastian tests the leather cuffs. The steel clasps don’t give more than an inch of wiggle room.

“Nope.” He answers, looking back to me.

“Good.” I slide out of my skirt, revealing the black thong I’d bought this morning. Hopping up onto the table, I straddle his stomach with his cock resting against my ass cheeks. I stare down into his beautiful face. “You like?” I ask.
“Oh yeah, better than I could’ve imagined.” He squirms a bit, trying to get more press his penis into me.

“Really? Better than this?” I pull my shirt over my head and let it drop to the floor. He stares up my bare chest. For years I’d been self conscious about my small chest. The way he looks at them, as I cup each breast and pinch my nipples between my fingers, I’ve never been more proud.

“Nope. Waaaaay better.” I start to grind my hips into him, sliding his cock along the crack of my ass. I feel Sebastian gasp between my legs. The feeling is so intimate.

“Like that?” He nods affirmative. “That feels good?”

“Oh yeah. You are so fucking hot babe.” I lean forward and dangle my breasts above his face, all the while continuing to grind against him. I know he can feel the heat resonating from between my legs. “You’re sweet. I think you deserve a blowjob.”
Sebastian’s eyes go wide. “Really?” In the past I’ve balked at taking him in my mouth. I nod, biting my lip. “What do you think. Is that a good idea?”

He nods, enfatically. “Yes. God yes.”

I swing my leg off of him and drop to the floor. I stop to pick something out of my purse. Sebastian is about to ask what, but when my hand gently touches his shaft, his mind goes elsewhere. I grab my hand around it and begin to slowly pump his cock, all the while keeping my eyes locked on his face. My thumb rubs the underside of his head, and his whole cock jumps at the sensation. I smile, satisfied that I’m doing it right. I lower my mouth, taking as much as I can into my mouth. His pubic hair smells like Dove soap. I raise my mouth, spreading saliva all along his dick.

As I being to massage his sack, I quicken the movements with my mouth. I stop myself from gagging as best I can, since I don’t think it’d be sexy to choke on your boyfriends cock. But I do run my tongue all along the underside of his shaft. I raise my mouth off of his cock altogether, instead stroking it with my hand. My saliva acts as a beautiful lubricant, so my palm slides along wonderfully. Sebastian’s eyes are closed, his head back. From his moans I take it he’s enjoying himself. My mouth returns to the job at hand, taking him in an out, masturbating him with my mouth. For a change in pace, I grip the base of his cock, and position his shaft between my teeth, gently running my molars along his cock.

“Jesus Christ!” Sebastian yelps. “Holy fuck! That’s incredible. Oh my god, that’s fucking amazing. Oh Corey. Holy God, Jesus Corey, I fucking love you.”

I don’t want to risk him getting any closer. I my mouth off of Sebastian and replace it with the thick elastic ring I’ve bought. I pull it down over his cock and balls, just like the instructions showed.

“Jesus Christ Corey, what the fuck?” Sebastian asks, startled.

“It’s called a cock ring. It keeps you from going soft after you cum.” I tell him.

That smirk. “Really.”

“Oh yeah, I can’t risk you going limp on me.” I don’t wait for any answer, I start stroking him fast. My mouth covers his cockhead. As I jack my hand back and forth my toung flicks back and forth across the tip as fast as I can. It only takes a moment for him to suck in air and have a little convulsion before sinking to the table, spent. Sure enough, no semen seeps out because of the cock ring. I let Sebastian catch his breath while I eye him for a minute
.
As Sebastian lays there I scoop his belt and walk around to the head of the table. “Was I good enough for you hon?” I ask as I thread the belt into a loop.

“Corey, you were amazing. This is better than I could have imagined.”

I sigh. “Good, I really wanted to get your turn right before we did mine.”

“Hmm?” Sebastian asks, sleepily. I slide the belt over Sebastian’s head and onto his neck, then pull it as tight as I can.

“I really didn’t think you and I would work out honey.” I tell him, as he starts to panic. “I mean, I really fucking hate living people. They gross me out so much.” He pulls desperately against his cuffs. It’s a good thing we’re alone, for all the racket his thrashing is making.

“All those years, masturbating while thinking of dead people, everyone could tell there was something weird with me. Dating you put that all to rest. I figured I’d do the normal thing for a while until it grew unbearable, then I could dump you and be alone again. No one would talk. I’d’ve had a normal relationship and a normal break up. I’d be normal.” Sebastian’s face begins to take on a darker shade of red.

“But when you confided in me that you had a compulsion, I knew you’d understand. What it’s like to desire something that’s not normal. Worried what people would think. You became so beautiful to me then. I knew I could trust you.” As Sebastian continues to thrash, the pressure in his head gives him a little nose bleed. It’s cute.

“That’s why I did everything I hate about sex for you tonight. When you agreed to meet my needs, the least I could do was meet all of yours. I really am glad you liked the blowjob baby. Even though it was disgusting, I tried really hard to make it special.” The red gives way to a dark purple as Sebastian’s thrashing becomes less forceful.

“But that’s what people who love each other do, right? They sacrifice. I had sex with you while you were still alive, and you were willing to die for me. You don’t know how much that means Sebastian. But you can trust me. No one will find out, this will be our little secret.” Sebastian’s eyes roll back into his head in the most adorable way as he goes limp.

“Oh, I know baby, I love you too.” I keep the belt tight for full minute longer, just to make sure he’s really dead.

I take my time taking the belt of his neck and removing all the shackles, as I want him to void everything by the time I’m done. Cleaning him and the table up doesn’t bother me. Years of working at a mortuary have got me used to worse, so I don’t mind. By the time I’m done, lividity has set into Sebastian. His skin is paler and his hands have the sexiest shade of blue.

I can smell my sex as I pull my thong down. With great anticipation I climb back up to the table, swinging my leg over Sebastian’s side. This time, however, I don’t lower myself onto his stomach. Moving slowly so I can savor as much as I can, I lower myself onto him, sliding him up into me.My weight carries me down his cock until my pelvis hits his. I have my first, real orgasm. I close my eyes, and grab Sebastian’s chest as the waves of pleasure rock into me. I being to cry a little.

“Thank you Sebastian. I love you so much.” I lower my mouth to his, kissing him deeply. I begin to pump my hips, sliding him in and out of me. Leaning forward, I continue to kiss him as we make love. As I take him into me, over and over, I cradle his face. I being to near my second orgasm. I pick the pace up of my thrusts, sliding his cock in and out as quick as I can. My moan of pleasure catches in my throat as I ride another orgasm through.

A little shiver runs down my spine as the pleasure recedes. A new hunger takes over and a being to ride Sebastian’s dick with more force. We quickly stop making love and start fucking in earnest. My hips crash down onto his cock, impaling me over and over again. My nails dig into his broad shoulders as enjoy another orgasm.

I collapse forward, pleasantly numb. I enjoy the feeling of him still in me as I shower his face with kisses.

“Oh baby, thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou!” I sob into his chest, thanking God for finding such a kind man. I pull myself off of him, and lay down next to him, my arm draped over him. He looks so at peace now. Sebastian is even more beautiful now then when he slept. My fingers play with his hair as we cuddle together. We spend nearly 10 minutes like that, laying on the table together.

I finally give him one last kiss before I get up and wheel over the equipment. I need to embalm him if we’re going to make love again. If everything goes right, we can be together for most of the week before I cremate him. Before I pierce his neck with the rod, a sudden thought strikes me. I slip on my underwear and make my way up to Mr. Trotsky’s office. In his bottom drawer is his old Polaroid camera. I hold it before me as I make my way back to the prep room. This is way better than a digital camera. More romantic. I lay down next to Sebastian again and nuzzle against him, smiling.

FLASH

The Polaroid photo slides out. I set it aside and return the camera before embalming Sebastian. I leave the cock ring on to ensure we can have fun later on in the week. As I get dressed, I examine our photo together. My mom is right, we really are a cute couple.

The sun’s coming up by the time I put Sebastian into the mortuary slab. I use the one farthest back, since Mr. Trostky fills them up front to back. I yawn the whole way home. If I’m lucky, I should be able to get about 3 hours sleep. Before I slide beneath my covers, I take the photo album my parents gave me for Christmas and put the photo of my and Sebastian into it. I let out a sigh. The one photo in an entire empty book is a little depressing, but it’s important and deserves to be protected. The last thought I have before I fall asleep is this; I can’t wait to feel Sebastian inside of me when he’s as cold as the grave.

***

The Everdeen wake is hell for me. I don’t really like interacting with most people, but Mr. Trotsky is counting on me, so I act as well as I can. Afterwards, he says I did just fine.

“Very polite, just so Corey. But sluggish. Were you sick my dear?” He asks in his clipped accent.

“Oh, no Mr. Trotsky. Just sleepy. I was…too excited to sleep.”

Mr. Trotsky settles deeper into his office chair. “You know Corey, you’re a good girl. Not many people are able to do this work. You flourish. You’re a good girl.”

“Thank you Mr. Trotsky.”

“You know,” He starts. “I have no one to take up after me. Have you given any though about what you want to do with your life?”

“Not really Mr. Trotsky.” Is this going where I think it is?

“Could you see yourself doing this work. Forever, I mean.”

“Yes sir, Mr. Trotsky. It’s peaceful. I like the peace.”

He chuckles. “So do I, my dear. It is one of the reasons I started this home. What I mean to ask is, if I started training you to take over, would you?”

I’m vibrating, I’m so happy. “I would love to learn more Mr. Trotsky. But I’ve never given any thought to being a business owner. Do you think I could do it?”

“Pish posh.” Mr. Trotsky replies. “You’re a smart girl with a good head. You’ll do fine. You can be so serious sometimes, which is good when you have finances to consider. I would be proud if you would be the one to take over. Not that when you started I thought this was anyplace for a young girl. Now I see this is the only place for you, I think. Eh?”

He’s right. I love working with the dead. It’s everything in life I enjoy. Even as I say yes, and we begin to go over everything we’ll need to do to make the transition, my mind wanders to other things.

If I own the funeral parlor, I’ll have free reign. I’ll have all the privacy I could ever want. Privacy enough to…start dating regularly. The memory of the empty photo album lingers a moment. The photo of me and Sebastian, so pretty but so alone.

I wonder.

How long will it take me to fill up the album?

---