Inside Me
—– 4 —
I was quietly reading my book on the recliner in the living room. Ean was off probably in his room. It was the summer, quiet, lots of free time. Mom was at work. Dad was still in the hospital. He was getting better. That’s all I knew. I was a year over a decade old though. Adults like to lie to children.
My peaceful reading was disturbingly enough interrupted by the phone ringing in the kitchen behind me. By the end of the first ring, Ean was bouncing from his room. Probably expecting a call from a friend. Before the third ring, Ean picked up. With his mumbled words, I was able to reintegrate my mind into the book. Top of the page.
Bottom of the page. I turned it. Ean walked past me and sat on the couch off to the side before me. I looked up to him. He looked a little disturbed but not quite. I never could read his emotions. He sat silently staring toward the floor. He was deep in thought for sure.
“Who was that?” I asked.
“Mom just wanted to call and say that she would be home early,” he replied monotonously.
It seemed boring enough. We were probably going out or something when she got home, that would explain why Ean looked to be just waiting with me. His deep state of thought, that was nothing new. Mom probably said we were going out to eat and gave him the choice of where. He was probably weighing the pros and cons of each restaurant in the city.
My mind faded back to the story before me. Fifteen minutes passed by, maybe half an hour; time is in a quasi state when you’re into a good book. Ean stood up and walked to me.
“Stand up,” he said. I looked up.
“Why?”
“Do you trust me?” That question from his mouth. Those words. Whenever he really wanted me to obey him, he always asked me if I trusted him. He was the smartest person I knew besides dad or mom. He never hurt me. Any jokes he did play on me always left me laughing in the end. I trusted everything to him. He was my only friend.
I put my book onto the side table next to the recliner and stood up. Ean immediately grabbed me and pulled me into his body. He whispered down into my ear.
“Dad died. Just awhile ago. I’ll always protect you.”
He was too serious. He would never lie about something like that. Dad died. No. Why?
My arms instinctively wrapped themselves around Ean. He was so big. So warm. Comfortable. I couldn’t understand a thing that went through his mind. I didn’t know why he did it the way he did, but for some reason, it felt the easiest for me. Just me and him. Standing alone hugging each other. My silent tears in soaking through his t-shirt onto his ribs.
I didn’t want to be alone then and I didn’t want mom. Mom must’ve been crushed. I would be ashamed to cry in front of her. Ean was so strong. He was my best friend. My only friend. I missed dad so much.
The distinct muffed sound of the garage door opening moved through the silent house. I continued crying into Ean’s body. Every time I tried to toughen myself up to face mom, Ean squeezed me a little harder into him. He was pressing my emotions from me.
The door opened from the garage. I meekly turned to face mom’s torn face as she entered. She looked from me to Ean. She looked almost surprised and distraught that I was in his arms, that I was crying, that I knew about dad.
“She’s stronger than you think.” The words reverberated down the bones of my brother into my jaw. Mom almost ran to us and wrapped her arms wide around our bodies.
I never really understood my brother. The more pressure you put on him, the more amazing things he did. I would be scared of his uncanny ability to manipulate any situation he wanted if I wasn’t his little sister. He swore to protect me. He was my big brother. The only thing better than having that knowledge yourself was having a big brother that did. That way I would be free from the burdens I always imagined he suffered from, but I would reap the rewards of his generosity.
I had never seen somebody look so calm in such distressing situations. He held in all emotion while moving and talking to benefit everybody around him. I would say he was incredibly selfless, but my inability to understand why he did what he always did kept me from knowing whether he was enjoying it all. What looked like nobility to me could all just be an interesting game to him. Either way, he was my big brother and I was in love with him.
Three more days had passed and the first week of high school concluded. I had chosen to take up residence next to Montana in math class. Unassigned seats had to be the best part of high school. Montana had personality, at least the kind I liked, but her math skills weren’t all that great. She wasn’t shy about that fact either.
When she suggested that maybe she should come over some time if she needed homework help, I questioned whether or not she was just bluffing confusion in math to sneak peeks at my brother. She did talk about him a lot. At least more than I wanted her to.
Apparently her and her older sister Crystal had always been a bit distant emotionally. Crystal fell into a bad crowd according to her. My brother was the best thing to ever happen to her but unfortunately he came too late.
Montana had a weird view on her sister’s death. She missed her and went very distraught when she first heard about it, but her mind played it down fairly quick. I didn’t want her anywhere near Ean. She only brought him up a few times about what her sister mentioned about him over the phone but the times she did talk about him, she raved. I loved her as a friend; the first real one I could ever remember besides my brother, but I thought it best to keep her at somewhat of a distance.
Ean was my best friend. Montana was a real friend. My only two friends. I had to keep them away from each other. Apart, they both relied on me so much. That was best. I had to make sure they didn’t meet.
It was the end of a four day week of school. What I thought would be the worst week of my life turned out to be one of the best. Dinner wasn’t the best though. Macaroni and Cheese. Also Ean kept to himself mostly after we fell asleep together. He looked better though.
I was walking from the kitchen to my room when he called me.
“Maeghan, come here.” I stopped at his room just before mine and walked into his open door. I looked at him waiting for a question. He just sat on the end of his bed looking at me. “Take off your clothes.”
My stomach turned to stone. What? What did he say? No question, no revelation, just an order, to do that!
“Right here. Get naked for me.”
I was speechless. My body was stiff and very heavy. What was happening?
“Do it – or get out of my room.”
He gave me a choice. The absolute hardest choice in the world. I wasn’t in a horny mood at all. If I had been, I still wouldn’t know what to do. I had to think back to what we did before that week. Everything we talked about. Everything I promised I would do for him. I was in the heat of the moment then. I was just an ordinary girl now. Just his fourteen year old sister.
Ean just stared at my face. Was he testing me? Was he checking to see if I was telling him the truth earlier? Seeing if he could trust me? He didn’t have to ask me verbally. This was a matter of trust. Could he trust my word? All the confusion I caused him with that night. It was now. Did I really mean what I said or just say it to make him feel better?
I meant every single word of it. Even if I wasn’t horny right then, I would be in time. I would be when I left the room and thought about all the possibilities of what could have just happened. He was my brother. I loved him. I wanted to fall asleep every night in his arms. I wanted to lose my virginity to him. I would show him how serious I was. I would damn right show him how much I loved him. How much I liked it when he touched me that night. He could trust me. If he was having mixed thoughts of me, I would make it very clear what thoughts I wanted him to promote.
I moved back my left leg and stepped on the heel of my right shoe. I lifted and pulled my foot out. I repeated the motion to remove my other shoe. I worked slowly. Ean was staring at me. I didn’t know how far he would let me go. I hoped he would tell me to stop soon enough and we could just cuddle. I felt weird and embarrassed standing in front of him slowly taking my clothes off. Although, a tiny thought stood at attention in the back of my mind; a hope that he wouldn’t tell me to stop at all.
I crouched down and lifted each foot one at a time to remove my socks. I was bare foot now. Standing before him in my jeans and a t-shirt. The moment of truth. I had to choose between my pants and shirt. He had seen me in my nightgown plenty of times; that showed off a fair amount of my legs. Pants next.
I unbuckled the belt and pulled it apart. Unbuttoned, unzipped. Ean stared at me. Not my face now, my hands. My shaking hands as they fumbled just in front of my pubic region. I slowly bent forward as I pushed my pants down off my legs and stepped out of them.
His door was open. I didn’t know why but in the empty house, I would’ve felt a little less awkward if his bedroom door wasn’t wide open.
My heart was beating soo incredibly fast. I didn’t know how I would survive this. He was so emotionless. Watching me so calmly as I got naked so slowly in front of him. I knew he could see what it was doing to me. He sat and watched me being tortured half to death.
I slowly lifted my shirt off my torso. I pulled it over my head and off of my arms. I dropped it. I was in my underwear then. My thin panties and a training bra. Mom said when she returned we would go buy some new bras for me. She said I was just about an A-cup. I felt so ashamed. So young. So embarrassed standing before of my older brother in those two pieces of fabric. His eyes scanned me. He still didn’t move or say anything. He wanted me out of those as well.
I reached behind me to take off my bra. I thought that made me look most childish in front of him. That embarrassed me the most. It fell off my arms to the ground. My little breasts were chilly in the open air. They were sweating.
Might as well end it. In one slow fluid motion, I removed my panties. I stood in the midst of the pile of my clothes. I was completely naked in front of my brother. He stared intently at my small flat body. It’s almost boyish figure.
“Come here.”
I was about to vomit from anxiety. I eagerly walked to him. I wanted him to comfort me. Tell me that I did a great job. Tell me that he loved me and everything was perfect now.
My naked body almost fell into his arms. I was so weak. I couldn’t stand up anymore. He held me. He supported all my weight. He pulled me back onto the bed with him. My naked body flipped over onto my back. I was drug up the mattress; my head rested on one of his pillows. He pulled off of me and sat crossed legged next to me on the mattress, staring down at my naked little body.
“Masturbate for me.”
My chilled tummy inhaled deeply. Why did he not stop? Why did he just not end this somehow? He was dragging me into something I didn’t want to do but I knew I could never deny him. If I did, everything would be lost. He would never trust me again.
My eyes were watering. My face trembled. He could see it all yet he remained emotionless, staring down at me. He was waiting. What if I just started crying? Would he stop then? Would he comfort me? Would he tell me everything was ok?
He said I was stronger than mom thought. I was his little sister. I was like him. I was strong. I had to go on. If I cried, what if he left? What if he just shunned me as a little girl? What if he thought he hurt me? He would leave for sure and never come back.
I reached my hand down and pressed it against my slit. I ran my finger up inside just the crack. I found my clitoris. Only that could give me pleasure in the state my mind was in then. I rubbed the little button for about a minute before I noticed Ean moving. I was trying to only stare at my body and forget he was even there.
I looked over at him uncrossing his legs and sitting up. I kept rubbing myself. My mind couldn’t deny the pleasure of the body. My nipples were becoming erect. Ean stood on his knees beside me. He unbuckled his belt and popped loose his pants button.
I was becoming scared shitless. What was happening? What was he going to do? I wanted to lose my virginity to him for sure but not right then. Not like that. Tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t stop him. I wouldn’t stop him.
He unzipped his pants. I was about to see it. For the first time. Then I would lose my virginity. I was crying. I would have sex for the first time crying. My brother would have sex with his little sister as she cried. He wouldn’t do that. He couldn’t. I had to trust him. He was too smart. He had to have a plan.
In one swoop, his jeans and boxers fell. His massive hard penis bounced before me. I say massive but I had no real idea in comparing it to the normal size. All I knew was it was way bigger than anything I ever attempted or even thought about putting inside me.
Ean reached over and scooted my naked body a little more toward the center of his queen bed. Then he pulled one leg over me. His pants and boxers were pulled down and resting on me just above my knees. I diligently kept rubbing my little mound. My fingers lingering in my brand new pubic hairs. I kept my hand as closed over my vagina as possible. I didn’t want to lose my virginity like that.
Then he dropped over me onto his hands and knees. He reached one hand out and then back before sitting back up on his legs. A small bottle of some kind of lotion or something was in his hand. It tipped and a line of its contents oozed onto his hand.
Ean closed the bottle and tossed it into my pile of clothes. His lotioned hand then squeezed around his penis. He rubbed around the whole length of it a few time twisting and turning his hand before he began just moving back and forth repeatedly.
I didn’t know what to think. I was completely naked on my brother’s bed masturbating at his command while his hovered over me stroking his penis. I hated it and loved it. If only I knew what he was thinking. If I knew more, I could just enjoy everything about the moment. But the anxiety, curiosity, everything I didn’t know was eating away at me.
When I had an orgasm I got really wet. Boys shoot something out I learned. That made babies in girls. Semen. Sperm. I had to say one thing at least, I was getting really excited to see what would happen when he had an orgasm.
His hand moved back and forth over his penis as he stared down at me. At my body. I couldn’t help but blush. He was masturbating to me. To my naked body. My fingers picked up pace on my own masturbation.
Then Ean started rocking and bucking his hips back and forth. He was going to do it. He was really going to have an orgasm. Right there. Right on top of me. I stopped everything and held my breath. My fingers stopped moving. I stared at his sex organ as in bounced in and out of his hand. He was squeezing it hard. Then he stopped. Just as he pushed out toward me he stopped and held it there.
I couldn’t describe it at first but something shot out of the little hole at the tip of his penis. A jolt of some liquid flew through the air. Then another one. A searing hot splash of some thick goo pounded into my breast. I wanted to look and see what just happened there but I wouldn’t for the life of me pry my eyes from the engorged purple mushroom poking from my brother’s hand as it squirted more and more stuff toward me. Semen. Sperm.
The liquid soon stop shooting from the penis and eventually started oozing out. Ean dropped back to his hands and just hovered over me. I didn’t look to see where he was looking. I stared and stared at the hanging monster now over my stomach. It leaked that white liquid onto my belly. I could feel the hot feeling of it seep into my belly button. They called it cum. I sometimes called my own liquid that when I got wet but guys really owned that word. They really know how to use the word for all its worth. That was something to be proud about. If I could do that, I would be doing it every hour of every day. It looked so amazing and so powerful. So much pleasure.
The penis slowly started shrinking above me. More semen leaked from the collapsing cylinder onto my belly. I finally pulled my eyes from it and looked down my body. It was on my breast. It was all over my body. So much of it. It was amazing.
Ean collapsed his right arm and rolled to my side and onto his back.
“Do you hate me?”
I was speechless at his voice. What he just put me through. I stripped naked for him while he sat and watch fully clothed. I started masturbating for him as he watched me cry in shame. He cummed all over me. My body was littered with my older brother’s sperm. I never felt more alive in my life. I wanted to marry him. Spend every day of my life with him.
“I never loved you so much. I’m never going to let you live this down.” I said breathlessly. “I want you so bad and you’re the only guy I’ve ever wanted. You can never do anything that will make me think otherwise.” I wanted to roll over and hug him so bad but I didn’t know if he would get mad. My body was coated in his sperm. “How often do you do that? Masturbate, I mean.”
“Not any recently. That was the first time in a long while. I’m just so confused.”
That was the first time in my life I had ever heard him say that. Ean, confused. Wow! I must really have an impact on him.
“Are you still a virgin?” he asked.
“Of course I am. You know I don’t have any friends. Who would want me?”
“You’re amazing!” he butted in. “You’re amazing. You’re so unique and intricate. I know people don’t understand you but I love that. Don’t even get me started on your body. When did you get so hot? I was scared to death you would leave me after this. You’re amazing. If you pulled your head of a book every now and then, you would notice the boys looking at you. Their all just intimidated because you already know what you want. You’re too powerful for them. I was scared you didn’t really love me like you said.
“Damn it. You really know how to screw up my mind. I still don’t understand how I feel about you, but something about you says for once in my life, you actually know more, and I should trust you.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. A blessing and a curse in one. I liked power but I like him having power even more. I hated responsibility. But I really got to him. I was getting my wish. If anything went wrong, it was my fault though.
Ean’s body rolled over onto me. His semen smeared into his shirt as he hugged me so tight.
“I’ll always protect you. I trust you Maeghan. I trust you. I grew up alone with a distant father to guide me. You do whatever you think you want. I’ll guide you. I’ll help you. I’ll always protect you. You’re my little sister. I’d expect nothing less from you than to give it your best shot.”
I was scared and comforted at the same time. All I could do physically at the time was cry. Cry and agree with him. Trust him.
e.l. hanes

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