Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist t talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”

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A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray haired man sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said: “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted: “You don’t have any hands either!”
Again, the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently: “Are you still good in bed?”
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile: “I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”

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An old man and an old woman, who lived near each other in a large apartment complex, soon became friends after each one lost their spouse. Every Saturday evening at 6:00 pm sharp, the man would visit the woman’s apartment, bringing a rented video. Then she would serve him some wine, cook him dinner, and they would sit on the sofa and watch the movie together. During the movie, she would unzip the man’s pants and place her hand on his penis. This same sequence of events would occur each and every Saturday evening. Then one evening the old man didn’t show up. The old woman decided to do a little investigating. She watched him leave his apartment and head to the apartment of Mrs. Renfrow, another widow down the hallway.
Then she decided to confront him about the other woman. She told him, “You know when you didn’t show up last Saturday, I got suspicious and watched you leave your apartment and saw you enter the apartment of Mrs. Renfrow down the hall. What gives? What does Mrs. Renfrow have that I don’t have?”
The man replied, “Parkinson’s.”

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A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new “city” outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, “Yes ma’am, ya see, I’m from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit.”
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, “Where he would like to start?”
“Well ma’am, how about a suit?”
“Yes sir, what size?”
“Size 53 … tall, ma’am.”
“Wow, that’s really big.”
“Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”
“What’s next?” she asked.
He replied, “How about some shoes.”
“What size?”
“Size 15 … double D.”
“Wow, that’s really big!”
“Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”
“What’s next?”
“Well, I reckon I’ll need a shirt.”
“Yes sir, what size?”
“Nineteen and a half … 38,” he replied.
“Wow, that’s really big!”
“Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”
She virtually glowed as she asked, “Whew … is there anything else I can do for you?”
“No ma’am , I reckon that will be all.”
Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, “Sir could I ask you a question?”
“Yes ma’am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches.”
She is astonished and blurts out, “Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!”
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, “Across ma’am?”

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After cutting off her husband’s penis, Lorena Bobbitt was at a loss as to what to do with it. So, she decided to go for a drive in the countryside looking for the perfect spot to ditch it. As she was driving around, she got very nervous having a large, cut off, penis in her purse, so instead of stopping, she heaved it out of her car. Behind her car was a pickup truck with two guys riding in the front seat. John Bobbitt’s penis struck the front of their windshield and went, “splat.”
“Did you see the size of the bug that just hit the windshield?” the guy in the passenger seat asked.
“Yeah, but did you see how big his cock was?” replied the driver.

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OLD WOMAN IN PROSTITUTE STING LINE-UP
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
“Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”……… The policeman fainted.

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Why do women fake orgasm?
Ans: Because men fake foreplay.

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A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
“You’ve led a long and good life” the genie said, “I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen.”
The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. “Ok” she said, “turn all those dirty dishes into money.” With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
“My” said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, “Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?” There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, “Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?”
Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said “At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!”
The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, “Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet’s shouldn’t you!”

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A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. This big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, “What’s wrong with you?” In a very weak voice, the little guy says, “Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?” The big dude says, “I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.” The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around!”

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A guy is half way across a tightrope stretched out over Niagara Falls. Half way across the world somewhere is a man getting a blow job by a ninety-year old woman. They both have the exact same thought at the same time: “Don’t look down!”

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A man comes to the counter and asks for some insecticide condoms. The lady at the counter says, “Sir you must be kidding.”
The man says, “no ma’am. My wife has a bug up her ass and I’m going after it.”

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FARM BOY WHO NEEDED TO DO HIS CHORES
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don”t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, ” I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

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Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown.”
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, “Are you Ok??”
In a very weak voice Mike says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?”
The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
Mike said, “Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said “Turn Around.”

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: – $1.50.
Chicken Sandwich: – $2.50.
Hand Job: – $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”
“I was wondering”, whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
“Yes”, she purrs, “indeed I am”
The man replies “Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”

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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
“Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. – Your Husband”
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”

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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”
The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

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A man’s wife goes to the doctor claiming that her husband has recently become poor in bed. The doctor gives her some pills, tells her that if she slips one pill in her husband’s drink at dinner, she will have the best sex in years. Then asks her to call in a week with the results.
That night the woman places one pill in her husband’s drink at dinner and has the best sex that she has had in years. That next night she thinks: What would happen if I slipped two of them in his drink? She did and the results were even better. The next night, she adds a third, and WOW!
After a week has passed and the doctor hasn’t heard from her, he becomes worried and goes to the couple’s home. As he walks to the door, he sees a little boy crying on the front doorstep. “What is wrong?” he asks the boy.
The boy replies in cries and tears. “Mommy’s dead, sister’s in the hospital, my butt hurts and daddy is in the back saying, ‘Here kitty, kitty, kitty.”‘

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A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says “I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days”.
The husband says “Why? Don’t you have any vases?”

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Two eighty-year olds were trying to decide what to do on their upcoming vacation. Since the had never been a part for even one night of their married life, they decided to go on separate vacations. So the old guy packed his bathing suit and headed for Florida. While the lady packed her bikini and went to San Francisco. After several days, the old lady received this telegram from her husband: “Never realized I could have so much fun. I’ve found myself two twenty-year old blondes in bikinis and I’m never coming home.”
Several days later the man received his telegram: “I likewise have found two twenty-year old studs here on the beach in San Francisco…and I’m not coming home either…and remember, twenty goes into eighty more times than eighty goes into twenty.”

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A Marine pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?
He explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well”, explains the pilot, “it says you’re not wearing any panties….”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!”
The pilot taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

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Ole took Inga home with him and took off his shirt. Inga says, “Ole, dat’s some chest you have dare.”
Ole says, “Inga, dat’s a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite.” Next he took off his pants.
Inga says, “Ole, dat’s nice calves you have dare.”
Ole says, “Inga, dat’s a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite.” Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Inga screamed and ran out the door. Ole put his clothes back on and ran out after her. Catching her, Ole said, “Inga, viy did you run out like dat?”
Inga said, “Vith all dat dynamite around, I taught it vas going to explode ven I saw how short da fuse vas!”

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Is there something on my face?

It seems that a young couple had just got married and spent their first wedding night with the young man’s parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newly-weds. After a long wait, the family ate without them.
The mother said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat?”
The groom’s young brother said, “Mommy, I think…”
“Oh, shut up. I don’t want to hear what you think!” said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.
As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.
At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day.
The young lad once again said, “Mommy I think…”
“Well, what is it that you think?” asked the mother rather testily.
“I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!”

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Goldie, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir,” how are you?
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied.
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes,” he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. “Do you like pussycats?”
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

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Thanks for all the comment for my last story. It inspired me to write this

A guy goes into the doctor’s office with a problem. He tells the doctor that for several years he has been having trouble getting an erection with his wife. The doctor gives him a complete physical and before he sends the guy home, tells him to bring his wife in tomorrow. The guy thinks the request strange but complies with it. The next day he is back at the doctor’s office with his wife. The doctor tells the wife to go into one of the examining rooms. He tells her husband to stay outside in the waiting room. The doctor enters the examining room and asks the wife to remove her clothing. When she does as requested, he asks her to turn around so he can view her from behind. Then he asks her to lie on the floor with her legs spread apart. She obeys the doctor. Then the doctor tells her she can put her clothes back on. The doctor then goes outside to the waiting room where the husband is seated and says to him, “There’s nothing wrong with you, she didn’t do anything for me either.”

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One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, “What happened to you?”
“I got into a fight with the apartment manager.”
“Whatever for?”
“He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!”
The woman replied, “I bet it’s that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor.”

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”
The father replies “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!”

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One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks…….
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

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A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”
In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked… “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The other mourner then replied… “I think he means her legs.”

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