Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill’s wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn’t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?” Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.” After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, that John should be at her house around 2.00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill’s house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.
Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”
A little worried, Bill’s wife answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”
Her heart nearly stopped when her husband curtly asked,” And did he give you $500?”
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The birch says it cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!”

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and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

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: POSITIVEjerry3ddd
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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

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I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.”
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Thanks for ur positive comments on my first joke..i expect the same for this one..
While returning home Steve was robbed off his car and other valuables in the middle of a forest.
With no other option he began to walk along the road when suddenly he saw a girl on a scooter stopped for him and offered him for lift..
Steve agreed and sat down with her..suddenly she stopped and got down and became naked and asked steve to have anything he wanted.
Steve was very tempted to see her naked and u know what he did?
He took the scooter and went away

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: NEGATIVECynthia Purrple
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A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book.
The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband confused, asked, “What are you doing taking all your clothes off?”
The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy, I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.”
The husband said, “No, not at all.”
Then the wife asked, “Well what the hell were you doing then?”
The husband replied, “I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book.”

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Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War not determine who right, war determine who left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

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Hung Chow call his boss and says: “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work.”
The boss says: “You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

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As a mother passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?
The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone.”
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”
The husband replied, “I’m watching the ball game with my son-in-law.”

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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”
Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Sue worked here…”

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The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.
The egg mutters “Well I guess that answers that riddle”.

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A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300, she exclaims. “I don’t have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!!”
To that the man asks, “Anything?” And the blonde says, “yes.. Anything”!!
With that, the man says “Follow me.” He walks into the next room and tells her “Come in and close the door.” She does!!
He then says “Get on your knees. “She does!!
He then says take down my zipper.” She does!!..
He then says ,”Go ahead. Take it out.”
With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The man then says “Well.. Go ahead!”
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, “HELLO, MOM?”

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A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, “Lady, do you have a vagina?” and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, “Lady, do you have a vagina?” and she slams the door shut.
The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she has a vagina and see what happens. The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, “Lady do you have a vagina?” to which she says, “Yes, I do.”
The man then tells her, “Well then tell your husband to make use of it and stay away from my wife.”

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A woman walks into the nearest EEOC office and files a sexual HARASSMENT lawsuit against her boss. She states as the basis of her complaint that her boss sniffed her hair and commented how terrific it smelled. After filling out the forms, she was then interviewed by one of the field investigators. The investigator looked at her complaint and asked the lady what happened to cause her to file a complaint against her boss.
“Well,” she said, “one day I was getting off the elevator and my boss was standing next to me and he said to me,’Your hair smells terrific!'”
“What’s wrong with that? You should have felt pleased to receive such a nice compliment. I don’t understand what you problem is,” replied the investigator.
“My boss is a midget!”

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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: “Why the black panties?”
She replies: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”
He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She’s standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit … except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: “What’s with this …. a black condom?”
He replies: “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

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: POSITIVEDirty Samone
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The newly-weds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”
The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”
“And don’t forget that” he replies, “I will always wear the trousers in this family!”
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”
He replies, “I can’t get into your knickers!”
“And you never will if you don’t change your attitude.”

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Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed a large billboard sign advertising free sex with a 15 gallon fill-up of gas. Thinking this sounded like too good of a deal to be true, they both decided to check it out and went into town and stopped at the gas station. They filled up their car with gas and went into pay. Before handing over the money, they asked the station manager about the free sex. “Well,” said the manager, “it’s not quite that simple. First you need to take a simple test and if you pass, you get the free sex. What you do is try and guess the number I am thinking of between One and Five.”
The men looked at each other and decided to try the number, Three.
“Wrong,” said the manager, the number I was thinking of was Two, but you can come back again and try to win.”
The Norwegian men left the gas station disappointed and drove away. While in their car, one looks over and says to the other, “Hey, Ole, I bet that manager cheated us. You know he could have said any number and how would we know if it was the right number?”
His friend looked at him and replied, “No you’re wrong, he didn’t cheat us. My wife won four times just last week!”

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There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.”
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?”
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”
He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones, and he’ll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!”

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Harry goes to he doctor’s and sits in a queue between to other guys. They start talking and one admits to having a red ring round the top of his penis. Harry then admits that he too has a line round the top of his penis, but its green The third guy admits that this ring he has is orange.
The doctor calls in the first guy with the red ring leaving Harry and the other sufferer nervously awaiting their fate.
There’s no noise and after about 15 minutes the guy re-appears with a big grin on his face. “Nothing to it, ” he said. The doctor re-appeared and called the guy with the orange ring into the consulting room.
“So what happened,” inquired Harry. “Piece of cake” the other guy replies. “The Doctor examined the problem, coated on some cream and after ten minutes told me to wash it all off. And that was it! The ring had gone!”
The other guy appears and starts to tell the same story and of the similar treatment just as the Doctor calls for Harry. Harry wanders in, full of confidence, drops his trousers and asks where the cream is kept. The Doctor looks at Harry over the top of his glasses, picks up a wooden spatula, and proceeds to examine Harry’s appendage with great concern. “I’ve got some bad news for you Harry,” the Doctor pronounces, “we will have to amputate your penis as soon as possible!”
Harry sinks into a chair in disbelief and horror. “Can’t you just give me the cream like you did for the other two guys. They’ve recovered OK.”
“Well Harry,” says the doc,”there’s all the difference in the world between removing lipstick and dealing with gangrene!”

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A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman’s boat and asks her what she’s doing?
She says, “Reading my book.” The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she’s not fishing. To which he replied, “But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!”
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, “If you do that, I will charge you with rape.”
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, “But I didn’t even touch you.”
To which the lady replied, “Yeah, but you have all the equipment!”

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The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked “Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?”
“Certainly not!” exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said “Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?”
After a brief pause, the woman replied “yes, I suppose I would.” Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked “Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?”
“Certainly not!” replied the young woman, getting angry now “What kind of girl do you take me for?”
“We’ve already established that” replied the man, “We’re just haggling over the price!”

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A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.
He turned to her and said, “This is a special day, I’m celebrating.”
“What a coincidence,” said the woman, “I’m celebrating, too”. She clinked glasses with him and asked, “What are you celebrating?”
“I’m a chicken farmer,” he replied. “For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re
finally fertile.”
“What a coincidence, the woman said. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m
pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?” she asked.
“I switched cocks,” he replied.
“What a coincidence,” she said.

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A high school English teacher reminded her class of tomorrow’s final exam: “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-butt guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.

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Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat……
He says, “Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, “Here – try these on.” She did and said, “These are too big, I can’t wear them.”
I replied, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we have never had any problems.”
“Hmmm,” says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, “Here try these on.”
She does and says, “These are too large, they don’t fit me.”
Mike says, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, “Here you try on mine.”
He does and says, “I can’t get into your pants.” Karen says, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will.”

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Song lyrics, to the tune of Big Rock Candy Mountain

A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, “If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?” She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. “Go get help,” he pleads.
She replies, “I can’t, I’m naked.”
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, “Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road.”
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, “Help! Help! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, “I think it’s too late- he’s too far in!”

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One day a lady goes to her doctor and asks her how to get her husband to sleep with her more. The doctor leaves the room then returns with a little bottle and says, “Put one pill into his coffee everyday, the results are instant.” The lady goes home and puts one into his coffee right away, and that night she got a little feel from her husband but nothing more. Disappointed, the next day she dumped in the whole bottle. Six months later the phone rings And the doctor asks, “Did they work”? The son replied, “My moms dead, my sister is pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad… Well Dad’s on the roof chasing the cat with a bottle of Vaseline.”

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Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Ans: Because women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.

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