After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

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Pretty hilarious story. Be careful for what you wish for.

A redneck man says to his doctor, “Doc I just had my eleventh kid and we don’t ha a bed bigenough for any more kids. I needs one of them vasectomy’s done.”
The doctor Says ” A vasectomy is a shorefire way to eliminate that problem, but that operation cost alot of money and you don’t have any insurance to cover it. What you can do is get a Redneck Vasectomy done.”
The man says “A What”
“Yes” the doc goes. “You go home light a cherry bomb, drop it in a coke bottle, put it up to your ear and count to ten.”
The man say “I might not be the smartest person in the world, but I don’t see how doing all that is going to help me”
“Just go home and try it” the doc told him
When the man got home he did as the doctor had told him. He lit a cherry bomb, droped it in a coke bottle held it up to his ear and started to count. “one, two, three, four, five” at which time he placed the coke bottle between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

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One morning, as Gary is getting ready for work, he happens to pass his daughter’s room and overhears her saying her prayers. “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye Grandpa.” He finds it odd but thinks no more of it.
Later that day when he comes home from work, there is bad news. Gary’s father suffered a heart attack, but nothing could be done to save him.
A few months later, Gary once again hears his daughter as she prays: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma.” Now Gary becomes a little afraid, remembering what happened before with his father.
Sure enough, his mother is found to have died in her sleep that morning. Now Gary is convinced the girl must be in touch with someone or something on the other side, so every morning he listens to her prayers.
He hears nothing out of the ordinary until again, a few months later: “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”
Now Gary is frightened. At work, it’s all he can focus on. He doesn’t leave his office for lunch, and when it’s time to come home for the day, he doesn’t even do that. Instead he insists on staying in the office, telling everyone he has a lot of work that must be done. As the seconds, minutes, and hours tick away, Gary finds himself literally shaking with fear, and he has crawled underneath his death, eyes glued to his watch, tick, tick, tick…
Finally, it is past midnight and Gary is still alive. He decides maybe the “curse” on him is broken, so he leaves the office and drives home.
As soon as he opens the front door, his wife is there. “Where have you been?!?!” she asks. “Honey,” Gary starts, “I have had one of the roughest days of my entire life and I’m just glad to be home.”
“You think YOU’VE had a hard day?!?,” she screams. “Today the mailman dropped dead on our front step!!!”

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Women bursting to piss.

(with respect to my brother in arms The Marines who tell this Joke differently)
One day A boy was taking a piss in the bathroom, when a Marine Walked in in his dress uniform.
The Boy looked up wide eyed and said “Wow, are you a REAL Marine?”
“Thats RIght Boy” the Marine said “Wanna wear my hat?”
SURE the boy said taking the hat and trying it on while the Marine went into a stall.
Just that moment an Army Ranger walked in. Again The boys eyes got wide.
“Wow are you a REAL Army Ranger?”
The Ranger looked won and said “thats right boy, you wanna suck my cock?”
The boy stepped back suddenly and replied “Hey, I’m not a REAL Marine, I’m just airing his hat!
(For all those who FLame, 🙂 Inter service rivalry is with the understanding that we are brothers in arms, and The army takes it as good naturedly when the 2 role are reversed)
HOOAH!
Spemper FI

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Installment no. 2 Enjoy!! Comments would be greatly appreciated, as would telling me your favourite jokes, since I’m planning to make a ‘Reader Favourite’ section

Comments greatly appreciated ………….. Not mine, got these from a different site…………. For anyone whose read any of my other intro’s you pretty much know everything i’ve got to say anyway, so enjoy!

a little bit of humor to start off…

What is in a mans pants is close to 7 inches long has a HEAD and women love to Blow this…..?
A doller bill you Pervert 🙂

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These arn’t related to sex (sorry to disappoint), merely things that I think you’d find funny, they come from a site a friend showed me, enjoy……… or don’t enjoy, depends on the type of person you are, as always comments are greatly appreciated.

This came from a particularly amusing friend….. When he came up with this, or were he got it from I can only guess, and I can only hope he didn’t try any of these…..

Recently girls have been complaining to me that all my jokes are for men, and that I’m a horrible person, well GET OVER IT…….. but so that mabye, just mabye, you’ll stop spamming my email account, I’ve got this for you to ‘gloat’ over men with….

The Sunday School teacher posed the question which part of the body reaches heaven first to her nine and ten year old students.Stephanie was the the first chosen to answer and she said your arms because your arms will be above your head making them first to heaven.Tommy was next and he said your head that your arms will be at your side making your head first to heaven.Little Johnny waving his arm with all his might was next to be called on by the reluctant teacher and his answer was your feet no doubt its your feet because last night I peeked in my parents bedroom and my mom was on the bed laying on her back with her legs spread high in the air and she was screaming OH GOD I’M COMING and if my dad hadn’t been on top of her I think she would have went

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WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH………….
1. They have absolutely no idea where their purse is. 
2. They believe that dancing with their arms overhead and wiggling their butt while yelling ‘woo-hoo!’ is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. They’ve suddenly decided that they want to kick someone’s butt and honestly believe they could do it too.  
4. In their last trip to pee, they realize that they now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess they were just four hours ago.
5. They start crying and telling everyone they see that they love them sooooo much.
6. They get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song play’s because ‘oh my god! I love this song!’
7. They’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to them.
8. They’ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
9. They yell at the bartender, who they believe cheat them by giving them just lemonade, but that’s just because they can no longer taste the chardonnay.
10. They think they are in bed, but their pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop … Or the bathmat?). 
11. They fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when they sit on it.
12. They take their shoes off because they believe it’s their fault that they’re having problems walking straight.

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This gynecologist gets a surprise from a patient.

A man goes to the doctor and says “I’ve got a huge hole in my ass.”
The doctors says “Drop your pants, bend over and I will have a look”.
“Fuck me” says the doctor ” What could have made a hole as big as that?”
The patient replies “I’ve been fucked by an elephant”.
The doctor says “An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous”.
The patient replies “He fingered me first”.
==========================================================================================================================================================================

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‘Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!’
‘Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?’
‘Put that thing away before you get us all killed.’
‘You’ve got something jammed in here real good.’
‘Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?’
‘You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.’
‘Sorry about the mess…’
‘Look at the size of that thing!’
‘Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!’
‘She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.’
‘I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.’
‘Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?’
‘There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.’
‘But now we must eat. Come, good food, come…’
‘That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.’
‘Hurry up, golden-rod…’
‘I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?’
‘Possible he came in through the south entrance.’
‘And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!’
‘Control, control! You must learn control!’
‘Hey, point that thing someplace else.’
‘I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.’
‘I never knew I had it in me.’
‘There is good in him, I’ve felt it.’
‘Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me — now I owe you one.’
‘Back door, huh? Good idea!’
‘She’s gonna blow!’
‘I think you’ll fit in nicely.’
‘Rise, my friend.’
‘Wedge! Pull out! You’re not doing any good back there!’

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Paddy looking for sex.

sex joke

A man sees a new machine at the drug store which has a sign “Any ailment diagnosed – only $1”. His right arm has been sore for a week so he decides to give it a try. He follows the instructions by bringing in a small urine sample, dumping it in the machine, and inserting a dollar bill. Two minutes later he receives a slip on which is written “Tennis Elbow”. Bullshit, he thinks, because he has never played tennis in his life. He decides to try it again the next day, and again it says “Tennis Elbow”. Now he’s pissed so he decides to really show the machine is bullshitting- He brings in a sample which is a mixture of urine from his wife, urine from his dog, and his own sperm. This time the diagnose slip says “Your dog is pregnant, your wife has the clap, and if you don’t stop jacking off you’ll never get rid of that Tennis Elbow”.

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Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow
between them. One tree says to the other: “Is that a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?”
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the
sappling. The tall tree says “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can
you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: “It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is
the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”

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Lovers in bed.

An American, an Englishman and a NewZealander were waling down the road one day, when they saw a sheep that had tried to jump a fence. The poor beast was hung up with it’s rump in the air and the back legs splayed and tangled in the wire.
The American looked up and said “oh Gods I wish that was Jaylo
The Englishman looked up and said “Lords I wish that was twiggy
And the New Zealander looked up and said “God I wish it were dark.

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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.
The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re going to live on $800 a year!’

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A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”

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A joke I once heard