A guy is standing in a men’s locker room when he notices that the man next to him has the name of a women tattooed down the length of his penis. He asks the man about this and is told that penile tattoos are the current rage; that when a woman sees her name tattooed there, she goes wild and can be possessed forever. The man thinks about this for a while and decides to get his girlfriend, Wendy’s name, tattooed on his penis.
One day he is standing in the locker room shower and he notices an Irish guy and just the letter “W” tattooed on his penis because his penis is suffering shrinkage from the water. Concerned that another man has tattooed the name, Wendy, on his penis, he asks the guy if this is the name on his. The Irishman replies in an Irish brogue that the name tattooed on his penis is Welynn, his girlfriend’s name. The guy is relieved and leaves the shower.
A few days later in the same shower, he notices a German man with the letter “W” showing from his shrunken penis. Concerned that this man could have used the name Wendy, he decides to ask him what the “W” stands for. The man tells him in a thick German accent that the name on his penis is, Westrund, his wife’s family name. Relieved to learn that no one else has used the name Wendy, he leaves the shower.
The next week in the shower, he notices a large black man and showing from his water shrunkened penis are two tattooed letters, “W” and “E.” This time he is convinced that someone else has also taken the name Wendy and frustrated, he asks the man what the “W” and “E” stand for.
The black man looks at him and in a Jamaican accent replies, “Welcome to Jamaica, Mon, have a nice day.”

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A man goes in to a bar. He looks up and sees a sign on the wall: “HAND JOBS $5…CHEESE SANDWICHES $2. He looks around, sees a waitress and says, “Are you the one who does the hand jobs?”
She says happily, “Yes I am!”
He says, “Well wash them hands and make me a Cheese sandwich.”

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There is this chinese family with surname Kok just decided to migrated to United State. The father tell his childred, “why does we each get a Christian name once we are in United State, so it will be easier for us to introduce ourself to the American. ” All the children agree. This man thinks for a while and say I will name myself Robert as to Robert Kok. I will name my eldest son Steve, my second son Harry. His daughter then ask, “What about me ?” and the man said I will name you Annie.

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There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, “Go get the farmer! Save me! Save me!” The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can’t find him. So he gets the farmer’s BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out.
The horse says, “Thank you, thank you, I owe you my life.” Then a couple days later they are playing there again and this time the chicken falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, “Help me, help me!!! Go get the farmer!!!”
So the horse says, “No! No! No! I think I can get you.”
The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, “Grab onto my dick.”
The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the horse saves the chicken’s life.So what’s the moral of the story???
If you have a dick the size of a horse, then you don’t need a BMW to pickup chicks.

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On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him on board the airplane.
About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. “Are you okay, sir?” asked the stewardess
“Yes, I’m fine,” said the man.
Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. “Are you sure you’re alright sir?”
“Yes,” said the man, “but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.”
“What’s wrong?” asked the stewardess. “Is he not house trained?”
“No, that’s not the problem. The problem is he’s not weaned yet!”

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In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?”
“Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”
“Triple filter?”
“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and…”
“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”
“No, on the contrary…”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”
“No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out his best friend was banging his wife.

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A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, “You need more tail.”
The guy turns to his son and says, “Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!”

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A blonde goes into the Western Union office and says to the clerk, “I need to get a message to my mother in New York city quickly, so how much?”
“Well that will be $80.00,” he tells her.
“$80.00!” she exclaims, “I don’t have nearly that much money in my purse. Please help me out. I will do anything you want if you let me contact my mom.”
“Anything,” he asks.
“Yes, anything,” she replies.
So he instructs her to go with him to the back room. He then says to her, “Kneel down.” The blonde obeys.
Then he says, “Unzip my pants.”
The blonde obeys.
Then he says to her, “Take it out.”
The blonde does as she’s told and impatiently asks, “When can I contact my mom?”
The man replies, “Soon. I will let you talk to your mom but first put it next to your mouth.”
The blonde does as she’s told and says, “HELLO, MOM!”

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A man walks into a clock store and approaches the blonde attending the counter. The blonde says ” Can I help you? ” The man pulls out his dick.
The blonde says, “I’m sorry sir but we only deal with watches and clocks.
So he turns to her and says, “can you put two hands and a face on it?”

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On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled, she asks, “My picture?”
He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.”
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture.”
He beams and asks, “Why?” She answers, “So I can get it enlarged.”

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Two guys and a girl are stranded on a deserted island.
After a week the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the two guys are so ashamed of what they are doing, they bury her.
After another week they are so ashamed of what they are doing, they dig her back up.

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Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
“Hello, sir,” she said, “Do you like movies?”
“Yes, I do,” he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?”
The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man thought for a moment and replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

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What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
Ans: 100 people who don’t do dick.

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Two pretty good jokes

A blonde’s car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in the history of this highway occurs. It’s not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What the hell is going on here?” “My car broke down,” says the blonde, calmly.
“Well, what are these perverts doing here behind your car in the road?” screams the cop. “Just look at this mess you have made!! Who are those men?”
“Why. . .Those are my emergency flashers!” replied the blonde.

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A man was trying to show his son how to fly a kite, but he could not get it to stay in flight. Observing the problem, his wife yelled out the window, “Honey, you need more tale.”
He yells back, “Yeah, right, last night you told me to go fly a kite.”

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What does an Old Lady Taste like?
Ans: Depends!!!!!

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What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
Ans: No one to talk to during orgasm.

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One day 3 guys got stranded on an island, and they were captured by cannibals. They begged for their lives, and the king cannibal said, “Ok I’ll give you 2 trials. I’ll tell you the first one now and the second one later. The first one is pick 10 fruits of the same kind.” So they set off to get their fruits. The first guy came back to the king with 10 apples. The king says, “Ok now you have to shove them up your ass without flinching or anything.” So he shoves the first one up the guy’s ass but on the second one he flinches so they eat him and he goes to heaven. The second guys comes and the king tells him the 2nd trial. He has berries, so he shoves 9 up his ass and on the last one he laughs so they eat him and he goes to heaven. The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven the first guy says to the second guy, “Why did you laugh? You coulda lived!” and the second guy says, I was fine until I saw the third guy coming with all those watermelons!”

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GUY LOST IN DESERT WITH CAMEL
The Arab overslept and found the caravan gone and he was totally alone in the middle of the desert lost. He decided that he would head out on his camel and hope it was the right direction. If it wasn’t, he would before he died, allow himself one last earthly pleasure and make love to his camel. Hour after hour he rode in the blazing sun, but saw in the far distance a dot. He steered toward the dot and after awhile the dot was a tent and as he came upon the tent a beautiful woman came out and met him. He asked what she was doing in the desert all alone and she explained that she had been unfaithful to her husband and he left her here to die and would he please save her?
She told him that she would do anything he wanted if he would save her.
“Anything?” the Arab asked.
She replied, “Yes, anything, you name it.”
The Arab got down off his camel and told her, “Come closer”…. closer still. Now hold this camel.”

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What does a Kodak camera and condom have in common?
Ans: They always catch those special moments.

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What is the difference between a golf ball and the G-spot?
Ans: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for his golf ball.

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What do prawns and women have in common?
Ans: Their heads are full of shit but the pink stuff tastes great!

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What do dildos and soybeans have in common?
Ans: Both are meat substitutes.

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At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”. The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

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A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister.
The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, “What good will Viagra do him in that condition?”
The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheet off of his legs.”

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Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
Ans: They don’t have time.

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