A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
“It’s a period,” said the little boy.
“Well, I can see that,” she said, ”but what is so exciting about a period?”
”Damned if I know,” said the little boy, ”but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

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A deputy sheriff was patrolling the local back roads when he notices a man lying naked in the ditch. He pulls over to get a better view and approaches the man, noticing that the man was holding his penis straight up in the air while lying there completely naked. The patrolman asks the man what he is doing like this and the man replies that he didn’t have a watch and needed to know the time of day and by lying this way, he could cast a shadow that would tell him the correct time. “Yep, almost 2:00,” he proclaimed.
The patrolman, looking at his watch, noticed that it was almost 2:00 but told the man that he couldn’t lay in the ditch naked and that he should get dressed right away or else he would issue him a ticket for indecent exposure. The man got up, put his clothes on and left and the patrolman drove away.
A little while later, the patrolman notices another man lying near the roadway, naked and holding his penis up in the air. He stops and goes over to the man to ask him what he is doing. The man tells him that he didn’t have his watch handy and needed to know the time and by casting the right shadow, he would have the time of day. “Yup, about 2:30,” he says. The patrolman looks at his watch and sure enough it is just about 2:30. The sheriff is again upset and orders the man to get dressed and leave or else he would give him a ticket. The man complied and the sheriff went on his way.
About another 3 miles down the road, the sheriff sees another man lying naked near the road and he stops and goes over to him. This time however, the man is masturbating himself. The sheriff approaches him and says, “don’t tell me you need to cast a shadow to determine the correct time of day?”
“No,” replied the man, “I am just winding my watch.”

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What do men and floor tile have in common?
Ans: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

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What does a computer accept that a women doesn’t?
Ans: A three and a half inch floppy.

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I wonder if you can figure this one out?!! Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come to a lake. The water looks enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. She tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too. Snow White relents and says, “When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.”
Snow White undresses, and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised? Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers. If you

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Two sperm are in the body looking for the egg when one of them starts to wonder why it is taking so long. He asks the other sperm, “aren’t we near the uterus yet?”
“No,” replied the other sperm, “we haven’t even gotten to the esophagus.”

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I have had this joke since I was at Catholic school. Read all the way through, and yes it is a sports joke

A woman is all ready to give birth to her first baby. The doctor, obstetrician, and nurses are all waiting for the birth. The doc checks for any signs of progress and suddenly he feels something moving, pulls back his hand and this little head pops out, sees the doc and asks him, “Are you my daddy?”
“No, I’m not,” the doctor replies. The head pops back in. Then the obstetrician goes over to check out the situation. The baby pops out his head and asks him, “Are you my daddy?”
“Nope, I didn’t do it,” and the baby pops back in.
The doctor calls the father and says, “Sir, the baby seems to be reluctant to come out—he keeps asking for his father. Would you please come to the delivery room?” So the father is standing there and the baby pops his head out again, and seeing his father the little one asks in an annoyed voice, “Are YOU my daddy?”
Dad kneels down and answers proudly, “Yes, son, I am your lucky father!”
The baby starts tapping his index finger violently and repeatedly on his father’s forehead and asks, “This is pretty annoying, isn’t it?”

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Frank Sinatra was playing a gig in Chicago when he noticed female Siamese twins in the audience sitting in the front row enjoying his performance. Frank had a sexual thing for Siamese twins, so he asked his manager to invite them to his hotel room nearby. The manager went over to the two young attractive Siamese twins and asked them if they would like to spend the evening with Mr. Sinatra.
“Oh, yes,” they both eagerly replied, excited by the opportunity to spend time with a legend. The manager then escorted them both to Frank’s room and he got into bed with them and started to have sex with them. When he was screwing the first twin, the other one took out a saxophone and started playing jazz tunes, sounding just like Charlie Parker. When he was finished with the first twin, the second one took out a trumpet and started playing jazz tunes. She sounded great also like Dizzy Gillespie.
About a year later, Frank was back in Chicago for another gig and the Siamese twins noticed that he would be playing at a club nearby. The one asks the other, “should we go to see him again?”
The other replied, “I don’t know, do you think he would remember us?”

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A really great jazz pianist is playing for a jam session and a nightclub owner is listening to him wow the crowd with his playing ability. The club owner goes over to the pianist after the session and asks him if he is currently booked somewhere. The piano player tells him that he doesn’t have any gigs lined up and so the bar owner asks him if he would like to come in and audition for his nightclub. The pianist agrees and goes over to the guy’s club.
The club owner asks him if he can play a nice ballad. The pianist says that he can and starts playing this beautiful ballad. The club owner is almost in tears over the wonderful melody and asks the pianist what the name of that tune was. The pianist replies, “I call that tune, Bend Over Baby I Want to Screw your Brains Out.”
The club owner is appalled that the tune has such a horrible sounding name and asks the pianist if he could change it to better fit into the high standards of his club. The pianist tells the club owner that all of his music is original material and that he cannot change his standards just to fit this particular situation; that he has an image to maintain of keeping his music pure and original.
So the club owner then asks the pianist to play an up-tempo number and the pianist does. Again the music sounds superior and the club owner asks him for the name of that tune. The piano player replies, “that is another original tune I call, Open Up Baby, I Want to Come in Your Mouth.”
Again the club owner is appalled and tells the pianist that he runs a respectable club and he doesn’t want someone playing a tune by that name. The club owner is scratching his head deciding what he is going to do with this situation when the pianist asks him where his bathroom is. After a short while the pianist emerges from the bathroom with his fly unzipped and his dick hanging out. The club owner says to him, “do you know your fly is unzipped and your dick is hanging out?”
“Know it!” replied the pianist, “I wrote it!”

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What’s the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth?
Ans: One US leader.

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How do you circumcise a redneck?
Ans: You kick his sister’s chin.

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A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye. In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.
“There is a mistake here,” he protested. “I have been here only three days.”
“Yes,” replied the clerk, “But your wife has been here a month.”

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There was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day’s work.
He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said “Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It’s the least I can do.” He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
“Oh my God!” he whispered loudly, “It’s my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off.”

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A social worker gets a strange call that one of his clients is having sex with a sheep. He decides to check out the story for himself and goes over to the ladies home. He knocks on the door but no one answers and when he notices that the door is not locked, he lets himself inside. He looks around the house and doesn’t notice anything until he gets to the back window. Sure enough, the lady is outside in her back yard having sex with a sheep. He is getting ready to take action when he notices a small girl sitting on a sofa nearby. He goes over to her and says, “little girl, doesn’t it bother you that your mom is outside having sex with a sheep?”
The small girl answers in a bleating noise, “Naaaaahhhh!”

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Pfizer Corp. (PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as-is or as a mixer, under the name “Mount and Do.” Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign suggests: “It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.”
Recommendation: BUY

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Whats the difference between acne and priests?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after the age of 13.

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Cinderella wanted to go to the ball so she sought out her Fairy Godmother for advice. “I will let you go to the ball, Cinderella,” she said, “but you must do two things. You must wear a diaphragm and you must return before 2:00 a.m. or else your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.”
Well Cinderella went to the ball but it was already past 2:00 a.m. and she wasn’t home yet. Then it was 3:00 a.m….then 4:00 a.m….and finally Cinderella arrived safely home. Her Fairy Godmother looked at her and said, “I see you have finally made it home. How was the ball?”
“Just fine,” replied Cinderella. “Everything went fine.”
“Well how can that be?” replied the Fairy Godmother.
“I met this nice Prince and we had a wonderful time.”
“You knew what would happen to your diaphragm if you didn’t return by 2:00 a.m. and this is always a sure thing. So tell me about the Prince. What was his name?”
“I’m not sure but it was something like, Peter, Peter, Pumpkin…….”

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This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
“No thanks,” the girl says. “You know I don’t smoke.”

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An older couple was contemplating marriage. The man was concerned about what the expectations of his wife might be. So he said to her: “Honey, I need to understand how often you expect us to have sex once we get married?”
She thought for a moment and then replied, “In-frequently.”
He scratched his head and asked, “Do you mean this as one word or two?”

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What’s pink and has seven dents?
Ans: Snow White’s hymen.

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A young couple were making passionate love in the guy’s van…..when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out “Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!”
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, “Did you get these marks having sex?”
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, “I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you’ve got the worst case of van aerial disease that I’ve ever seen.”

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A very sexy new lady moved into town and all of the guys wanted to sleep with her but she was not going for it. She had taken a position with the local church and her religious upbringing kept her away from the throngs of lusty males in town. Finally one of the more attractive hunks in town finally was able to ask her out. That night they ended up in bed together. Afterwards she says to him, “Well now I’m in trouble. I committed two acts of sin tonight.”
“What do you mean two acts of sin,” he replied.
“Well aren’t we going to do this one more time?”

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How is a vagina like a grapefruit?
Ans: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

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Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
“Well,” answered the man, “I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically.”
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, “do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?”
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, “what is the difference?”
The clerk responds, “Well when it’s sliced, it gets harder faster.”
To which the man responded, “How come everyone knew about this but me?”

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BROTHERS WHO CROSS MEDICINES
Once there were two brothers who were depressed. One was depressed because his penis was too small; the other was depressed because his pubic hair was too long, so they decided to go to the doctor.The doctor prescribed different medicine for them both and told them to never cross them up and to take only one capsule a week.
When the brothers got home they thought to themselves if they cross the medicine and double the dosage everything would even out. So they took the medicine mixed, and doubled the dosage and went to bed. They were so anxious they couldn’t wait. When one brother awoke he felt strange. He looked around and saw he was in a jungle of some sort, so he panicked and screamed HELP! I’M LOST IN THIS JUNGLE. To his surprise his brother heard his cries and replied, “HANG ON, I’LL THROW YOU SOME ROPE!”

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What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Ans: Spit, Swallow, and Gargle.

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July 12, 1990
Subject: IBM BALL REPLACEMENT
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive; however, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33F6424 – Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 – Foreign Mouse Balls

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A man with a 12 inch penis who practices autofellatio is prone to putting a foot in his mouth.

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