Last week I was checking items on the shelf in the store I work in. As I walked along the main health and beauty aisle, to my surprise, a new product among the familiar ones. That product was the new Trojan Fire & Ice condoms.

Okay so my first thought immediately was of course, what the fuck? There was the image of fire: warm pee pee, hot pee pee, happy pee pee. And then there was the image of cold: freezing pee pee, shriveled pee pee, not happy pee pee.

Well, having been in a committed relationship of nearly nine years and married for five I have not really had the occasion to buy any condoms. I find that they slightly hinder the conception process if you know what I mean. In fact it’s been so long since I used one I’ve almost forgotten what one looks like, although since smells linger in the memory longer and better than visual things I can remember what latex and spermicide smell like together. And when you mix in sweaty sex that just brings back memories of the Havendale Drive-In and watching Hellbound: Hellraiser 2, kind of sort of, from the backseat of a ‘76 Mustang.

I could not help but pick up the box and read. Yes it was slightly intriguing. The description on the package included things like, …“dual action lubricant”… and …“warming and tingling sensations for both partners”… and …“uniquely shaped condom design”. There were also promises that these condoms, which are lubricated on both sides …“provide thrilling sensations of pleasure for both partners”… and it …“brings more passion and excitement.”

I just had to scratch my head, especially over the last part. More passion and excitement? Not sure about how Trojan Man feels, but a condom has never helped bring me more passion and excitement. What, in the past, a rubber always used to bring was that sense of relief that I was not getting Chlamydia or herpes from the half lit skank I hooked up with at La Pleasures.

Dual action lubricant? One would hope that lubricant was about 99% industrial strength spermicide. Lubrication on the outside is good, and I know a lot of the ladies, and some of the guys out there too, thank condom makers for that feature, especially when you’re with a partner who has a limited knowledge of how foreplay works.

Lubrication on the inside? I’m thinking that would have to be bad. You know what I mean? Just the right little pinch of vaginal muscles flexing and the next thing you know one of you is probing a finger up the old golden snapper in search of a lost rain coat.

Warming and tingling sensation for both partners? Eh. You could probably do without it. Usually a condom is a big help with someone who does not last too long. It gives him a little less to think about and worry over while doing his job. Add an element of warming-tingling sensations paired with lubricant inside, and well he will probably pop off like he’s not wearing a condom in the first place, and if it’s coupled with the thing getting slipped of by the tightening of vaginal muscles you may as well have forgone the condom in the first place.

Then to the “unique design”. Well, judging from the picture on the back of the box the design in question would be the shape of a penis. The visual brings back into my mind what a condom indeed looks like, and to me it looks like just another condom. To me there were always more uniquely designed condoms to be found in the bathroom vending machines of seedy neighborhood bars. I sure remember a few that either looked like Soviet space craft or Mon Calamari star cruiser from Return Of The Jedi.

And then there was the part about the thrilling sensations of pleasure for both partners. I seem to remember my first pack of Trojan ribbed. Yeah, that’s right, “Ribbed for her pleasure!” Well the first her did not notice anything different, nor did any other hers, and nor did a couple of hims, over the years. I can’t help it. I have as much stock in the pleasure claims of condom packages as I have faith that when I go to a motel and see that thin strip of paper across the lid of the toilet that says, “Sanitized for your protection”, that it is actually anywhere near clean.

Then I get to the next unique thing about the Trojan Fire & Ice. There are only ten in a box. Ten? I mean I know it’s 2010 and the economy is in the toilet, but can I really believe that Trojans are reducing their pack size the same way as Breyer’s Ice Cream and Ragu Pasta Sauce? I mean, up until I met my first wife I had always though of condoms as 12 fucks in a box, you just had to find a different box to put the actual fuck into, but basically that was what a box of condoms was to me.

Ironically, earlier today, I was discussing this very thing with a co-worker on the aforementioned aisle, right in front of the contraception section, when I noticed that Trojan Magnums were being sold with two free Trojan Fire & Ice in each box. So, woo-hooo, the mystery of the two missing condoms is solved.

However…

Well, however, the question remains now, are those just Trojan Fire & Ice being sold free with a pack of Magnums, or are they Trojan Fire & Ice Magnums as well? I mean, you know, if not, then there are guys buying these things to try out with their box of Magnums and discovering they do not fit. Perhaps this is where the lubricant on the inside of the Trojan Fire & Ice condom comes in useful.

Then again, I can imagine one flying off a stiff 10 incher that’s about 3 inches around as well. If it happened after penetration was occurring I wonder if it would move with the speed to strike a g-spot with the force of a snapped rubber band.

Additionally it seems so far that nearly no one is wanting to pay for being shorted two condoms. Out of the four boxes that come packed together in shipping we only sold one. The other three boxes were sitting empty on the office counter the morning after I discovered the existence of such a thing as Trojan Fire & Ice. The second sleeve disappeared an hour after it was put on the shelf, and it seems unlikely that we sold out that quickly.

Now I would have to say that specialty condoms have never been my thing, and even as time has went on and technology has improved things I am still unlikely to give them a try. If I ever had to start using them again I know it would be right to the classic old Trojan Enzs in the familiar blue box. I believe specialty condoms are usually marketed at the young and the daring who hope to make safe sex feel spectacular, and of course there’s nothing wrong with that. If anyone out there gives them a try, either store bought or five finger discounted, let me know what you thought.

Until then I will keep on keeping on, and pretty soon condoms will again be one of the farthest things from my mind. I just have to say I am glad that Trojan came out with a product, other than the female condom, which actually made me take a pause and think: What the fuck?

THE END

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